To ask for my money back and end this friendship

[KeeG8181]

Hi everyone.

Last January I lent a "friend" a substantial amount of money that I had saved up. They claimed to be going through financial abuse at the time and needed help getting away. Going through that myself I wanted to help and my head was all over the place. She repaid £100, whilst being "financially abused" she has managed to live off Domino's pizza and afford nice clothes and shoes on a weekly basis. But has never once offered to pay back what she owes me.

This "friend" left in November, she has paid to have her new home professionally decorated, alongside sky TV, endless amounts of clothes and shoes, piercings and tattoos, £1000 laptops and phones. I haven't been offered a penny back.

She messaged me today informing me that once she gets her student loan in September she's buying a car. I haven't replied. I'm so hurt that she couldn't even be bothered to pay back even a fiver a week but I'm worried I've left it too late.

I don't wanna continue a one sided friendship anyway but I haven't got much confidence myself and I'm not very forthcoming so I have no idea how to ask for it back.

Be brave

I agree that you need to ask but in writing so you have a paper trail. The first suggestion offered in this thread was good - firm, repayment etc. next step is small claims. Keep copies of posts on social media showing she has disposable income. Be polite but firm . To be fair to her as you haven’t mentioned it she probably thinks she’s got away with stalling and you don’t want it back. Firm and direct.

Am so sorry to hear this. Had similar which I’ll detail for solidarity- called by mother in-law, whilst I was busy at work, to say bailiffs at door and they owed £12k in unpaid taxes. Nothing said before about mounting debt or to ask for help and then just hysteria on the day. I asked to speak to Bailif and offered them £4K which they immediately accepted and left. The relatives just said “we’re very grateful,blah, blah, blah, will pay you back when we’re more sorted ”. They weirdly then toasted me that Christmas for saving the day and then never mentioned it again. It ate me up inside that it was just not acknowledged and no hint of a repayment plan. Eventually (after 4 years) of realising they had no intention of repaying no matter what their financial situation, I made my husband tell them how I/we felt, and they called me and said “we did say thank you”. It was clear to me then that they had decided we could afford it and was a gift (none of this was true, nor their place to decide). Eventually they had a minor inheritance and did an equity release and when I watched MIL spank money on new double glazing and spiralisers etc I requested it was paid back. They paid it back and not a penny more. They also bought other relatives little gifts with their windfall, but said to everyone and us, that we’d not get anything as we’d had the major gift from them! I’ve basically concluded two life lessons: firstly that if you ever lend people money never expect it back and work out how you’ll feel about that person when it happens and secondly, the bailiffs backed down immediately when offering 1/3 as settlement and in that scenario again would go in with much lower offer!

My mum always said if you lend a friend money then just forger about it. Gift it to them and if you get it back it's a bonus otherwise you'll risk the friendship going sour.
Following this advice I lend a good friend £500 in 2018, I had been given a pay rise that was backdated a few months so could afford it. She's been paying me back here and there and I'm always surprised as I genuinely have forgotten. It's only just crossed my mind as this month she's paid me back the final £200. She always said she'd pay it back when she could.

Wow your ‘friend’ isn’t even trying to hide the fact that she’s a lowlife thieving pisstaker! And you know why that is OP. It’s because she has no respect for you and she thinks she’ll get away with it with you because you lack confidence. Please don’t let her get away with it. Take some of the good advice you’ve been given on here and show this scumbag that you’re not a doormat and won’t be cheated out of the money you worked hard for. Good luck.

'Never a borrower or lender be...'

Lesson learned. Hope you get your money back @KeeG8181 but I doubt she will willingly give it. You may need to go to the smalls claims court, but will NEED to prove it was a loan and not a gift.

@Apandemicyousay
That's awful!
Who had sent in the bailiffs - HMRC? I know you spoke to them but it just sounds a bit suspect.

Hi, it's great to see you're getting on so much better now. Can you let me know your plan for paying back the £x that I loaned you in January 2021 please? I was thinking £250/ month would be best, but if you want to pay all at once that's fine too obviously. Speak soon xxx"

This hit the nail on the head for me.

You must ask. If it’s the end of the friendship, so be it, but you can’t let it go.

I’ve lent friends £200 in the past. Last time I lent a friend money she asked me to pay to western union I messed it up slightly and I hit abuse. End of that friendship.

Took out mobile phone contract for best friend but she paid it all off.

I’d never lend now only give money.

In fact a close friendship ended due to best friend thinking me and another friend had conned her by falsely claiming at DHSS. I’d never do that, other friend might’ve.

Another time i paid for almost all holiday abroad then best friend decided her ex whom she’d reconnected with was coming. I threatened her with me coming to her house for payment if it wasn’t paid ASAP. (she’d moved back to parents). Was paid same night. I think this friend thought I was a soft touch and she’d told me stories of her hard past…

Threaten your friend with small claims court and warn other mutual friends.

I wouldn’t be nicey nicey. Be polite but not rude.

None of this “I was thinking of…” it’s either please pay me in instalments or one lump sum. And add interest if you’re so inclined. I was too nice, so are you, and this CFer is walking all over you! I’d want an apology for messing me around that might make the friendship salvageable.

I think JustUseTheDoorSanta's reply is a good one. Hope you get the money back.
We had a friend like this years ago. They were a lodger in our house and paid a very low rent. But they got into difficulties and couldn't pay any more, or not as much as we were asking. They could still go out to the pub every night and buy their monthly subscription magazines, but if we mentioned it they went mad! Totally ruined what was a good friendship and it never recovered.

It’s always tattoos phones and laptops, isn’t it.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I like your thinking here..very judge rinder of you lol

I would email her, asking for her to pay some back, mentioning the original sum, the aim being to get her to confirm that there had been a loan.
If you get that confirmation in writing you have a much better chance at court if you need to.

@LetsGoParty's suggestion is good.

She's a jerk but you have learned a hard lesson

@KeeG8181

I do actually have a paper trail of this being a loan! It was £1850.

She paid me once in February and that was it.
I kept asking and she said she was doing it. Then started with the "he's took all my money" crap so I felt bad. She offered to pay it once she's "on her feet" but she's never been off them.

If you have it in writing that it was a loan and you can prove that you gave her the money (ie not cash) then you can go through the Small Claims Court. I have known two people do this and because they had written evidence/ text evidence they won quite easily.

I'd look through her social media etc and take screenshots of new shoes, new clothes, posts about holidays, tattoos or other expenditure and screenshot them.

Then I'd write to her or email her stating the sum borrowed, with a copy of the evidence that she had asked for a loan and evidence that you had agreed to a loan, the evidence of how much she has paid back so far and a request that she pays you back in full in 28 days.

If she says she can't afford to, you might want to point out all the evidence you've gathered for the Court. At this point you might accept a realistic repayment schedule — perhaps £200pm for nine months or whatever. But as she's planning to buy a car, I'd get in beforehand and grab that car money.

If she doesn't pay or she wriggles, give her another 14 days to pay before you go to Small Claims. If she still doesn't pay then you can claim online.

So she’s messaged you saying she’s buying a car but not mentioned repayment? And you’ve not said anything? Why not?!

Time to talk tough. “Hi x. I lent you £x in x and you’ve only repaid me £100. I need the money back as soon as possible. Please repay it by x”.

The friendship is over anyway I’m afraid OP. Friend is a CF of the highest order.

I just dont get some people shes got the front to say the first thing shes going to do with her loan is buy a car?

Oh that's a lot of money to lose but it sounds good that you have proof of a loan. I disagree with face to face, I think messages are better as they make a paper trail. Also dont leave the repayment amount in her court , you work it out , otherwise you may find she suggests a really small monthly amount and you have to fight her over and over agsin

It didn't happen to me, but my ex DH lent a very good friend of both of ours nearly £7000 years ago. Same as you, wanted to help out a friend. He kept saying once his house sold, he would pay it back.

House sold. He bought a flash new car, treated him family to a fancy holiday and boasted about god knows what. No sign of ex DH's £7k.

Ex DH was too polite to ask. I wasn't.

I went round and gave him both barrels. The £7k turned up less than a month later. Ex DH rang me and said, you're never going to guess who's just paid me etc. He's still none the wiser it was because of me. I'm just glad he's got his money back.

Please please don't let her walk all over you. DEMAND your money back. She's a complete CF!!!

[quote whatisheupto]@Apandemicyousay
That's awful!
Who had sent in the bailiffs - HMRC? I know you spoke to them but it just sounds a bit suspect.[/quote]
Yep, unless you’ve seen the paperwork it sounds more like your in laws conned you, tbh. I’ve not known bailiffs walk away from assets (and I bet your MIL had a car, tv, white goods etc that they could have taken alongside the £4k, to get them closer to £12k).

You need to grow a back bone and tell her you like your money paid back in installments or all back. Small claims court if you have proof of loan. She is an awful friend so you have nothing to lose.

@BikiniB0tt0m

You need to grow a back bone and tell her you like your money paid back in installments or all back. Small claims court if you have proof of loan. She is an awful friend so you have nothing to lose.

This. It’s dead easy to use small claims court .

Keep it polite to start with .

Dear CF (Cheeky Friend),

I'm so glad you're back on your feet, I can see that with all the new shoes you've been buying.

May I remind you that you owe me £1,850 - please set up a standing order for the first of each month for £154.16. This will pay it off over the next 12 months. If you overpay I will reduce your term.

Thanks, and enjoy the car.

OP

Please tell us you've asked for the money back now.