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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for my money back and end this friendship

139 replies

KeeG8181 · 29/01/2022 16:36

Hi everyone.

Last January I lent a "friend" a substantial amount of money that I had saved up. They claimed to be going through financial abuse at the time and needed help getting away. Going through that myself I wanted to help and my head was all over the place. She repaid £100, whilst being "financially abused" she has managed to live off Domino's pizza and afford nice clothes and shoes on a weekly basis. But has never once offered to pay back what she owes me.

This "friend" left in November, she has paid to have her new home professionally decorated, alongside sky TV, endless amounts of clothes and shoes, piercings and tattoos, £1000 laptops and phones. I haven't been offered a penny back.

She messaged me today informing me that once she gets her student loan in September she's buying a car. I haven't replied. I'm so hurt that she couldn't even be bothered to pay back even a fiver a week but I'm worried I've left it too late.

I don't wanna continue a one sided friendship anyway but I haven't got much confidence myself and I'm not very forthcoming so I have no idea how to ask for it back.

OP posts:

Sockpile · 29/01/2022 17:32

It really doesn’t sound like she’ll offer it back. I agree with the PPs about suggesting a repayment schedule now she’s financially more secure (able to spend money buying a new car)

skybluee · 29/01/2022 17:32

Lots of these options are going to end up massively getting her back up resulting in her possibly not paying you. Why threaten someone with court? I'd just keep it casual and text her 'Hey, how are you? Would you be able to pay me back some of the money I lent you? I'm really struggling right now. Hope all's well'. See what happens. If you haven't asked for it back it's pointless going in all guns blazing before simply asking politely. If you start talking about payment plans you may scare her off.

I hope you get your money back.

skybluee · 29/01/2022 17:33

TBH I'd actually do it face to face as I think you're more likely to have success that way.

sansucre · 29/01/2022 17:34

I've been in your position albeit with paperwork and a signed loan agreement. The friend is no longer my friend and I have had to take her to court to recover the debt. As this has been going on for 6 years now, she is having to pay statutory interest on the loan which is almost 50% of the loan's value. Despite the judgement ruling in my favour, I am resigned to never seeing this money again

Do not be like me and allow it to carry on for years. Now is the time to tell her that she needs to start to repay this money either in its entirety, or in regular monthly repayments. If she ignores this, file in the small claims court. Do it ASAP.

As an aside, she clearly is not your friend, so do not even bother to mourn any loss of friendship.

NoSquirrels · 29/01/2022 17:35

How much does she owe you?
Did you have an agreement on repayments?
Do you have a paper trail?

And crucially - when did you last ask her to start paying you back?

HeartTerriers · 29/01/2022 17:35

I'd text back 'I need the money I lent you back please. I was saving to X'.

MaudieandMe · 29/01/2022 17:37

A substantial amount? You really can’t let this go due to feeling a bit awkward.

Initially, I’d message her using the wording that other posters have suggested and get her to acknowledge the loan amount and that she still intends to replay you. Doesn’t matter if her reply is full of excuses at this stage. You need her to admit that she accepted the money on a loan basis to be repaid when she was no longer living with her ex partner.

Then take her to the small claims court if she doesn’t make good on the repayments. Your friendship is already toast by the sounds of it.

sansucre · 29/01/2022 17:37

To those who are saying to do this face to face, not file a claim etc, it doesn't work. If someone doesn't want to pay back a loan, they won't do it, so there's no point treading softly softly around them. I know this from experience having tried every nice way I could think of to get my (ex) friend to repay me. We had a contract and a deadline for the loan to be repaid. She repeatedly promised me to start making repayments numerous times and no money ever materialised. Sometimes, you have to take definitive action.

Yuckypretty · 29/01/2022 17:37

I would keep her sweet until you get your money back. She sounds like the sort that won't give you the money back if you fall out.

I'd just text something like." Hi, how are you? Please let me know when you are going to pay me back the £x you owe me. I could do with it back by £x."

ClaymationHeartsStillBeat · 29/01/2022 17:43

I think the small claims court is full of cases of friends lending money to friends (aka grifters).

Do you have proof of bank transfer?
How much was it? Hopefully under the amount dealt with by a small claims court.

It's going to be very hard to not get her back up with a text. I would suggest meeting her for coffee. When she starts talking about her circumstances then bring it up. The chances are she is not an idiot and will be aware that you are meeting her for this reason so be prepared for her to claim poverty. Nevertheless stand your ground. Tell her you need the money. If needs be spin the same lines that she gave you. As suggested above, mention the boiler etc. It is your money. Do not wave goodbye to it.

billy1966 · 29/01/2022 17:44

How much money OP?

1,000 is substantial to some people?

5,000?

10,000?

How much will inform answers.

BluebellsGreenbells · 29/01/2022 17:46

Funny how these people are always free with others money. Friend owes me £50 - will be payday I’m sure - but she’s brought the kids a lot of stuff, lid for her nails to be done and cut and colour on her hair.

People just don’t think.

Original poster

KeeG8181 · 29/01/2022 17:47

I do actually have a paper trail of this being a loan! It was £1850.

She paid me once in February and that was it.
I kept asking and she said she was doing it. Then started with the "he's took all my money" crap so I felt bad. She offered to pay it once she's "on her feet" but she's never been off them.

OP posts:

EmmaGrundyForPM · 29/01/2022 17:47

She's not a friend.
Ask for the money back.

NoSquirrels · 29/01/2022 17:50

She messaged me today informing me that once she gets her student loan in September she's buying a car. I haven't replied.

Then now is the perfect time to reply.

‘Friend, that sounds good. Cars are expensive to run, though? And you haven’t been able to start paying me back yet. We need to have a chat about a payment plan because I do need to start getting that loan repaid as I leant you my savings.’

sansucre · 29/01/2022 17:50

To those who suggest meeting face to face, record the conversation. I wish I had as we agreed (yet again) a repayment schedule which she queried when I put it in writing later that day, and later refused to pay claiming she hadn't agreed to do so.

Also, OP does not need to justify reasons for the money to be repaid.

What is most important is to make sure the friend acknowledges the loan, along with any kind of paper/electronic trail.

thefirstmrsrochester · 29/01/2022 17:51

OP…..that’s your savings she’s enjoying living on. Why the fuck should she get away with availing herself of your money. It was a loan, not a gift, and it wasn’t money you had going spare - you saved it.

The friendship is over for sure do you have nothing to lose by asking her to pay you back before going to the small claims court to get it.

Georgyporky · 29/01/2022 17:51

I agree with small claims court.

The threat alone might frighten her into paying.

Riverlee · 29/01/2022 17:53

Came on to mention the small claims court, as detailed bone. We took someone ‘to court’ a few years ago and won.

It’s quite easy now and done online. We didn’t see the inside of a court.

If I recall, you have to send a letter asking for the money, send it tracked/recorded/signed for so there’s proof they have received it. When they refuse to pay, you then submit the claim online. There are fees, but if you win, you get these back.

The result proves they owe the money. If they still refuse to pay, you can escalate the case (to high sheriffs?). These people have the authority to go and get the money.

We were surprised how easy the process was. Worth looking into.

Mrstwiddle · 29/01/2022 17:53

That’s a lot of money to lend a friend! Ask her for it first and then Small claims court, don’t just write it off, it will annoy you forever.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/01/2022 17:53

It was £1850

Ouch

But thank god you can prove it was a loan if it comes to small claims, which is probably the only way you'd stand a slight chance of getting it back - if she was going to do it willingly she'd have done it before lashing your money on other stuff

Ophanim · 29/01/2022 17:53

@skybluee

I hope you get your money back.

Not SOME of the money, ask for ALL of it back.

Riverlee · 29/01/2022 17:53

If you have a paper trail, that’s good evidence.

Mrstwiddle · 29/01/2022 17:54

And if you have mutual friends, I would warn them too.

Thesearmsofmine · 29/01/2022 17:54

I would text and ask for the money back. If she ignores or says no then I would go down the small claims court route.

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