To be reluctant to be a Godparent to a child about to be adopted

[LoveMyPiano]

I have previously posted about the situation with my neighbour/friend (younger than my own daughter), who - after a lengthy process - is about to lose her daughter, after the baby has spent nearly 7 months in Foster Care (starting after her birth). Earlier this month, a Final Order was made by the Court and she will be placed with an adoptive family, in the next month or so I think.

A concession (amongst others that have been made) is that she can be Christened (not sure how that will work wrt to her name after adoption), and, at the last minute (...) I have been asked to be Godmother.

In view of the adoption proceess, I am not really sure of how my being Gp would work, or have any relevance whatsoever in her future life. I AM prepared to do it for my "friend", as I feel so very very sad for her, and she does need all the support she can get.

But I am not sure of the wisom of it, and how that is affeced also by her being Roman Catholic (and I am pretty much agnostic, Methodiist at a push and Buddhist by preference.... not that ANY of that will come into it); I would hate to just pay lip service to it - but really do wish that I had not been asked.

(My daughter's Godparents have been 100% hands off, I am sorry to say.)

I would welcome any thoughts, suggestions, opinions....
(Oh yes, it so last minute that the Christening [Baptism?] is on Sunday...) Help?

@PatriotCanes This is certainly NOT true in my case!

I don’t think any of the Catholic technicalities/legalities raised here are relevant for the OP’s own decision. Those issues are the priest’s decision - and he has said that this is fine.

If you have gone to get a book OP, it sounds like you’re going to go ahead tomorrow? If so, I think you are without a doubt doing the right thing. I am a Christian with a strong faith, and I agree with @gracewitt that this is a pastoral situation and is all about kindness. The priest will be aware of the circumstances, and he is offering his support to your friend and her daughter - and it’s great if you are also going to stand with her tomorrow.

yes. do it. for the sake of your friend. for the sake of the baby.

I think you could get out of this by offering to take your friend out for the day or some other activity she might like. It would be a way of remembering the day without full-on trauma. As someone adopted, I don't think I should like to think someone was press-ganged into doing this, however well-meaning. Perhaps she could write a letter for the new parents to give her where and when appropriate. I would urge you not to do something significant like this if you are not comfortable.

Why don't you ring the priest at the church and ask? I am a catholic god parent - my god child has 4 god parents and I am the only one who is catholic - I think at least one of the god parents need to be catholic. The only thing I would say is I also assumed you would need to be Christian. From memory I did have to pledge I would help bring up the girl in the christian faith so not sure how that is all going to work with your conscious...except you won't see her after she is adopted so maybe that might make the process easier on you. Its kind of you to do this. As a small thing - sure there will be a legally batispm certificate so the girl can trace you when she is older - maybe not a bad thing.

It’s not correct to say that a RC baptism must have entirely RC godparents. DH and I are godparents to two RC children. The other godmother is RC- the priest was satisfied with that. We’re Protestant.

@2holibobssofar

If she’s catholic, the god parent would be required to be catholic, as you are assuming the role of ensuring and supporting her spiritual education. Also, usually, taking her in should her parents die. Which you won’t be able to do if she’s being adopted, so maybe the priest is letting this slide if he knows she’s being adopted.

None of this is true.

To be a godparent you need to have been baptised (Christened). If you are not, you can't be a godparent in any mainstream church.

Although I'm not religious, I think this is a lovely thing for the mother to do. I have often though about potentially adopting and how I would approach making it know to the child. I think that for many adopted children they can develop abandonment issues. How warming would it be for this child in the future to know that although the birth mother was unable to raise them, they were loved so much that she went to the extent to have them christened. A day which will actually be incredibly painful for the mother, to know this will probably be the final act of love for the child.
I think as for being a god parent, regardless of religion, this is about being their for the child in a time of need. Although this child will be completely unaware of what is coming, this will be one of their greatest moments of need in their life so far.
Although this lady will be unable to parent this child in the future, I think what she is doing is very noble and an amazing act of love. What a privilege for you to be apart of this final act of love.
Good luck for the day. I hope all goes well. 🙂 x

@2holibobssofar

If she’s catholic, the god parent would be required to be catholic, as you are assuming the role of ensuring and supporting her spiritual education. Also, usually, taking her in should her parents die. Which you won’t be able to do if she’s being adopted, so maybe the priest is letting this slide if he knows she’s being adopted.

They have to be Christian, not RC. It's been like this for a long time now, my daughter was baptised over 30 years ago and this was the case.

I doubt whether a non Catholic could be a God patent at a Catholic christening. You could tell your friend you will attend with her, and wish baby well.

Your best bet is to speak to the child's social worker to ask about your role or involvement

I wonder if the birth mother feels she needs to somehow safeguard a memory of her and her love for when the child grows up. if the poor Birth-Mother was to pass away, or for any reason be unable to meet her adult child in future, there will be nobody who can tell the child anything from personal experience about her Mum unless you are there to do so. Sad and a bit morbid but not unreasonable from the birth-mothers perspective and a personal link might be very important to a young person who wants to discover more about where they came from. I wouldn't sign up for this lightly and if I did agree I'd want the child to be able to contact me when they were old enough if they wanted.

It could be nothing to do with religion, but a way for the mum, to put someone's name who she knows on a form, or for her adoptive parents, to know your name.
Probably in the desperate hope when her child grows up and wants to know who their mum is, they can contact you and you can say what she was like, etc maybe give her address if she moves.

I couldn't read the entire thread.. it's distressing.

What has compassion got to do with religion????
I would be a god parent to my friend’s child in a heartbeat.

You are no friend!

Agree with PP you should have asked the priest. In other churches you can be a witness.

Do it the godparents term has little to do with religion anymore and mainly just for the ceremony/ party.
Your friend may be asking so that if the adopted child comes looking for her later on and she’s untraceable then you would be the next point of call to give e her some information on her life pre adoption

I haven't read the whole thread; but as the adoptive parent to children, I say do it and write a card with a letter to the baby for the future. The baby will be adopted, hopefully into a secure and loving home that will talk about their past and they'll have a 'treasure box' with things from their past; this won't have much but, know that these things really will be treasure so giving a christening card with a letter about your hopes for their future will be read and treasured in the future. You will be supporting your friend now, and the child as they grow. It's so important for them to know they were loved.

Only one of the godparents needs to be Catholic.

I would still do it just out of kindness.

My partner and I watched Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban over Christmas (this is relevant I promise). We both commented on how weird it was that Sirius Black being Harry’s Godfather was made out to be such a big deal as if it actually means something

I’m really not sure being a “Godparent” really means anything it’s just a nice thing to do when you get baptised. It gives you no rights or responsibilities whatsoever. I am godmother to my niece which I periodically forget because she’s my niece so I would want to have a relationship with her regardless. It’s just performative don’t give it another thought.

Normally I’d say don’t do it if you are not Christian.
However for the sake of this very vulnerable and young woman I think you should consider.

I think you care about that little baby. I think if they met you in the future as an adult, speaking to you might help them understand how it all came about.

I think I would do it. It is unlikely you will have any major role, but you could be named as part of the child's life story before they were adopted as well as the birth family and foster parents. This is handed to the adopters for the child. I think this is a nice gesture especially as you know the birth family history and for the child to have a positive link to their birth family.

You have to be Catholic to be a GP to a Catholic child. Otherwise you are just a sponsor

During the baptism you and the parents will be asked to renounce Satan and all his empty promises, and also do you believe in God the father almighty. Are you able to do this in all honesty? Or would it make feel awkward and uncomfortable?

@LoveMyPiano I wouldn't get hung up on the godparent rules - in extremis, anyone can baptise someone after all.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baptismoff_desire

The baptismal rite is extremely important to some catholics and I expect it's a sort of asking someone to watch over the baby because the mother can't. You can think of it of allowing the mother some peace.