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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be reluctant to be a Godparent to a child about to be adopted

373 replies

LoveMyPiano · 28/01/2022 18:32

I have previously posted about the situation with my neighbour/friend (younger than my own daughter), who - after a lengthy process - is about to lose her daughter, after the baby has spent nearly 7 months in Foster Care (starting after her birth). Earlier this month, a Final Order was made by the Court and she will be placed with an adoptive family, in the next month or so I think.

A concession (amongst others that have been made) is that she can be Christened (not sure how that will work wrt to her name after adoption), and, at the last minute (...) I have been asked to be Godmother.

In view of the adoption proceess, I am not really sure of how my being Gp would work, or have any relevance whatsoever in her future life. I AM prepared to do it for my "friend", as I feel so very very sad for her, and she does need all the support she can get.

But I am not sure of the wisom of it, and how that is affeced also by her being Roman Catholic (and I am pretty much agnostic, Methodiist at a push and Buddhist by preference.... not that ANY of that will come into it); I would hate to just pay lip service to it - but really do wish that I had not been asked.

(My daughter's Godparents have been 100% hands off, I am sorry to say.)

I would welcome any thoughts, suggestions, opinions....
(Oh yes, it so last minute that the Christening [Baptism?] is on Sunday...) Help?

OP posts:
Happyher · 29/01/2022 20:12

Imagine from the child’s point of view in years to come. Maybe they will appreciate that their birth mother cared enough to have them christened even if they are brought up in that faith. And that someone else cared enough to stand as god parent. It may bring some comfort

CuriousCassie · 29/01/2022 20:27

I would do it.
It might be nothing more than a supportive gesture to your friend at this sad time. It might - who knows? - be a bridge in the future.

mathanxiety · 29/01/2022 20:39

@Tigger1895,
Only one godparent is required. Having two is traditional, usually one from each side of the family. That one godparent must be RC. Any other godparent doesn't have to be RC.

The one RC godparent has to be over 16 and a practising RC, though of course this part isn't always fulfilled and certainly can't be guaranteed for the lifetime of the godparent. Any other adult nominated for the role of godparent can be a 'Christian witness' if baptised in a Christian faith.

Assisting the parents in bringing up the child as a RC can involve as much or as little as anyone feels is necessary or can do in any given set of circumstances. Nobody is expected to fork over RC school fees or move house if the parents decide to up sticks and emigrate to Canada, or even to Slough, etc.

mathanxiety · 29/01/2022 20:42

During the baptism you and the parents will be asked to renounce Satan and all his empty promises, and also do you believe in God the father almighty. Are you able to do this in all honesty? Or would it make feel awkward and uncomfortable?

Hmm Or would you be willing to put yourself out for a few minutes in order to give this immense gift of support to the young mother who has been let down by everyone else in her life?
MargaretThursday · 29/01/2022 20:44

I'm interested that many people have said that the child will l=in the future know that their birthmum loved them enough to get them baptised.

I asked an adopted friend if they would have felt like that.
His feeling was that if he'd been baptised as a tiny baby, then yes he would. But being done now, no, because it wasn't being done because they felt baptism was important. So he'd have felt that it was done more to stop his adoptive mum doing it than because his birthmum wanted to.
He also added that because you can't be baptised twice, then he then wouldn't have had godparents in his life, and he had a wonderful godfather he adored so would have missed out on that.

So do bear in mind that it may not be seen as a loving gesture by the child in later years.

Silvercatowner · 29/01/2022 20:45

@Spanielsarepainless

To be a godparent you need to have been baptised (Christened). If you are not, you can't be a godparent in any mainstream church.
No, you don't.
Louelly · 29/01/2022 20:45

I was asked to be a godparent by a catholic friend. I am an atheist and am not really into the whole christening/godparent thing but accepted as if meant an awful lot to my friend. I think essentially in your case you should look at it as a kind gesture for your friend.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 29/01/2022 20:48

I think it would be very nice of you to be the GP and very supportive of the poor mother who must be feeling really low. It sounds like you have been a really good friend to her. FlowersWineBrew

sleepyhoglet · 29/01/2022 20:53

You will be a sponser not godparent if it is a Catholic baptism and you are not Catholic. She will need a Catholic godparent

jackfrosttoes · 29/01/2022 20:56

Both my dc were baptised (in an RC church) as toddlers as we were a bit slow getting around to it, not because it wasn't important, we were just exhausted and had little support so had to focus on the actual care of the babies.

Given all that's gone on, I don't think you can assume that this is being done 'late' out of spite. As for control, it isn't conferring a whole lot of control, any Christian denomination would recognise that baptism and if non religious any sort of welcoming ceremony can easily held by them.

Yummymummy2020 · 29/01/2022 21:11

I’d do it in a heart beat. I agree, it will likely be a comfort to your friend. There is no obligation to take on a child if a parent dies, maybe this was the case in the far past but I have never heard of that in modern times .

Mollymoostoo · 29/01/2022 21:14

This might have been said, but you uave yo be Catholic to be a Catholic god parent because she are saying you will raise the child in that faith should anything happen to the parents.
I'm Catholic, it isn't like a naming ceremony or christening so the church will say no for you.

Mollymoostoo · 29/01/2022 21:15

@sleepyhoglet

You will be a sponser not godparent if it is a Catholic baptism and you are not Catholic. She will need a Catholic godparent
Yes. Exactly this
WitchWithoutChips · 29/01/2022 21:15

@Mollymoostoo

This might have been said, but you uave yo be Catholic to be a Catholic god parent because she are saying you will raise the child in that faith should anything happen to the parents. I'm Catholic, it isn't like a naming ceremony or christening so the church will say no for you.
Only a few hundred times.

Cancel the cheque.

CPL593H · 29/01/2022 21:25

OP, I hope that you have been able to get some sort of clarity from talking to the priest on the situation and that you found a good book of poetry for the baby (lovely idea)

What made me fret is that theological/canon law issues about baptism aside, if it is not straight beforehand there could potential be a difficult situation on Sunday, I'm principally thinking about the mother in this. It does sound tortuous for you also and I know all you can do is what seems best, which is not always clear. Flowers

lordloveadog · 29/01/2022 21:41

Talk to the priest. Tell him all of this.

If he is a sensible and charitable man, he'll find a way that you can participate.

This needs to be an act of kindness towards the mother. And love for the child - all you can do for her now is send her on her way with love and blessings, which the poor wee thing is likely to need.

I have so much respect for the support you've already shown this young woman. I would have been too scared of the situation and heartbreak to stay around.

I'm not a Catholic and I don't have any illusions about priests. But a decent one will help you with this.

Feetupteashot · 29/01/2022 21:50

Very tricky situation, think you have to go with your gut feeling on this one x

MrsLighthouse · 29/01/2022 21:52

I’m late to this post as l’m assuming the baptism is/isn’t on for tomorrow ( Sunday ) and you will have made a choice by now. I just wanted to say you had an almost impossible decision and whatever way you went l think you must have some compassion for yourself and not beat yourself up whichever choice you made. It’s often a fine conflicting line between people-pleasing and doing something nice for someone x

Shelby2010 · 29/01/2022 22:05

Please go ahead and be a godparent & use this as a means to write a letter for the baby. Say how you know that going to new parents was the best thing for her, but she should know that she was well loved and many people will be praying for her whatever religion (or none) that she chooses to follow.

Support the mum as best you can through this.

me109f · 29/01/2022 22:20

Google the responsibilities of being a gp and see if you can fulfill them. If you would like to, then go ahead, but you should make a commitment to keep in touch with the child in the future. If you are the mother's choice it would be a very decent gesture on your part, and the child as she grows may well treasure your relationship as her birth parents may well be absent.

Snaketime · 29/01/2022 22:55

My DD has 3 godparents and only one of them is actually Christian. One doesn't believe in any religion at all and one follows the Norse religion. The 2 that aren't are our best friends and the only people we would ever have thought to ask. Just lie on the day, sit through it and get on with your life.

CPL593H · 29/01/2022 23:24

@Snaketime

My DD has 3 godparents and only one of them is actually Christian. One doesn't believe in any religion at all and one follows the Norse religion. The 2 that aren't are our best friends and the only people we would ever have thought to ask. Just lie on the day, sit through it and get on with your life.
So far on this thread, people have had Christian baptism services with atheist godparents/Jewish godparents/followers of the Norse religion godparents (I have no idea what Odin and Thor would make of it, I'm sure)

The OP is describing a very emotional situation where I can see a desire to provide support against being conflicted about it all, but really, why is it OK to say "lie on the day" about what is for many people a deeply serious thing? Why not have a naming ceremony where you can have anyone you choose involved making whatever promises, no problem, why have an actual baptism? I truly do not understand.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2022 00:01

You don't have to 'lie on the day'.

The RC church requires only one RC godparent. The priest can ask the sacristan or any other willing and present RC adult to stand in if the OP is the only adult present apart from the mother. Or he can stand in himself. Or some distant relative or friend who is RC can be nominated - they don't have to be present. They can send word that they agree to be the one required godparent. There may be a midwife or SW or teacher or someone else the mother knows who is RC who can be the required RC godparent. The godparent relationship is seen as being a spiritual bond, not a material one as in times past.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2022 00:02

Why not have a naming ceremony where you can have anyone you choose involved making whatever promises, no problem, why have an actual baptism? I truly do not understand.

Because Catholic baptism is clearly very important to the mother.

A naming ceremony is nice, but it is not a sacrament of the Catholic Church.

CPL593H · 30/01/2022 00:16

@mathanxiety

Why not have a naming ceremony where you can have anyone you choose involved making whatever promises, no problem, why have an actual baptism? I truly do not understand.

Because Catholic baptism is clearly very important to the mother.

A naming ceremony is nice, but it is not a sacrament of the Catholic Church.

If a Catholic baptism was that important in religious terms, there would be more care with choosing the godparents for a sacrament. However, I was as actually referring to another poster who suggested that it was OK to "lie on the day" and have a follower of the Norse religion as a godparent, not the mother/godmother on this thread.
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