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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taking your child's friend on holiday and charging them for accomodation?

110 replies

Indie4444 · 28/01/2022 17:45

.. I personally wouldn't, I would expect them to pay for their own flight and spending money but I wouldn't charge them for staying with us.

I'm in a situation that involves my best and oldest friend, her family and my son. The two families are exceptionally close and our friendship spans over 45 yrs. They first invited my son, then 15 to join them on a family holiday to Spain a few years ago. We paid for his flight and also covered his expenses whilst there which I thought was reasonable. I only recently found out that my friend charged him £270 for his stay (sharing a room with their son) which my son paid. He didn't tell me until recently so I was completely unaware.

Fast forward to a year ago, my son was again invited to join them on holiday. He bought his own flight and was again charged for his accommodation (sharing a room with their son).

Unfortunately Covid meant it had to be postponed until this January where it clashed with my son's final Uni exams (the exam dates were only released a few weeks beforehand so not much warning) which meant he couldn't go. It was a huge shame because he had been looking forward to it for so long. If he had gone he would have missed an important exam which is worth points to his final degree mark. Also if he had caught Covid whilst there he would have missed ALL his exams which would have been disastrous.

Me and his father felt he had made the right decision not to bin off his final year exams and he reluctantly had to pull out.

He has just been given a voucher for the full flight amount but my closest friend is keeping his accommodation money which I think it so morally wrong. The £300 was to cover his stay in the villa whilst he was there (showers, electricity etc) but the poor kid didn't go so he's basically given them almost £300 spending money for absolutely nothing!! It wasn't even as if my son had his own room (on either occasion!!).

My daughter has recently been asked if she would like to join one of her friend's and their family on a holiday this summer to Greece. The first thing they said was "We'd love it if your daughter could join us, we will obviously cover the accommodation side but if you could cover her flight and give her some spending money that would be great".

In my mind that is how this should work. Makes perfect sense. If a family are going on holiday anyway and an extra person doesn't increase the cost of the accommodation - why on earth charge them for it?!!!!

When my best friends returned from their holiday we asked if it would be possible if my son could have his money reimbursed and the answer was a straight out and out NO. End of. Their answer was "he chose not to go so he loses the money".

I am so shocked and hurt by this - a student who had worked hard during the Summer to save up for the holiday and they felt they were totally justified in keeping his money. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot there is no way firstly, I'd even consider charging for accommodation but if I did and the child couldn't go there would be no question of me giving the money back. I simply can't get over their decision which I believe shows zero loyalty and is totally morally wrong.

My best friend and I are no longer talking but hopefully my son and his friend will continue to remain close. 45+ yrs of friendship down the toilet. To rip off my son once is bad enough but to do it again is unforgiveable in my mind.

I would love your opinions on this whether you agree or not. It's a very sad situation but I think it's about principles and I feel my son has been treated very badly by so called life long family friends.

OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 28/01/2022 17:49

That is really shocking of your former friend.

Sockpile · 28/01/2022 17:49

If it costs more to accommodate the extra person then it’s not unreasonable to ask for the difference but this should be made clear from the start so you can choose to send your child or not.

Aworldofmyown · 28/01/2022 17:52

One extra person in a villa makes no difference to the cost, especially as he's sharing a room. That's awful behaviour 😕

yourestandingonmyneck · 28/01/2022 17:55

From what you've said here, your friend is clearly in the wrong.

Does she have form for being cheap / a bit of a wheeler dealer?

If not, could there be some kind of misunderstanding?

I would either ask her if there's been a misunderstanding, or send her a link to this thread (because I imagine most people will say she is out of order).

Iamkmackered1979 · 28/01/2022 17:56

Surely she was paying for the accommodation anyway, didn’t need something bigger because he shared with her son? He could’ve probably gone on holiday himself for the 300 he paid. I def don’t think ybu. Mine wouldn’t be going on holidays with friends though, we don’t do sleepovers either so unlikely to come up thankfully.

Indie4444 · 28/01/2022 18:00

We sent an email saying that perhaps we have misunderstood and that our son's money would be forthcoming but they just stuck to their guns and said no, they used it to pay for the villa so can't refund it.

OP posts:
WineNoMore20 · 28/01/2022 18:03

It sounds as though they wouldn’t have been able to afford the holiday without his contribution. Do you know if they asked their own son to pay for his stay?

Jeschara · 28/01/2022 18:03

Your friend sounds a granny cow. I would be an ex friend now. I loathe greedy people.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 28/01/2022 18:04

Wow, that's shocking. We've taken our sons' friends on holiday with us and paid for everything including flights and meals out. That was probably overly generous but they were a bit younger (not old enough to earn their own income) but, at any age, wouldn't dream of making them pay for accomodation

yourestandingonmyneck · 28/01/2022 18:04

Well in that case it sounds like they invite your son as a way to offset the cost of their own holiday. If he asking them to confirm if this is the case.

HangOnToYourself · 28/01/2022 18:04

Unless.they got a bigger villa specifically to accommodate your son going then your former friend is a prick.

Thehop · 28/01/2022 18:09

This is so so wrong of your former friend!

A) I wouldn’t charge a friend if taking them cost me no extra.

B) as with you, we’ve always done “pay your own extras and bring spends” eg flights on you, accommodation covered.

Your friend refusing to refund his money despite costing no extra to take him is despicable. Your poor son giving her his spending money last time and keeping quiet bless him. She’s horrid.

Dogdayafternoonz · 28/01/2022 18:10

Thieving bastards. If he was sharing a room with their son he was basically funding party of their holiday if he went. Can't believe he is still funding part of their holiday when he isn't even going. I wouldn't expect a stranger to do this. She is not your friend. No loss to lose her friendship. I would be really angry. She has stolen from your son.

Thehop · 28/01/2022 18:10

And even if she thinks charging him is right, throwing away your friendship to keep hold of £300 has told you all you need to know about how she values you .

MrsAvocet · 28/01/2022 18:20

Hmm. I think it is a bit unreasonable of your friends not to return the money on the occasion when your DS didn't go. I wonder if they'd over stretched their budget and actually needed to sell that place so to speak? It's a bit off really. I'd be upset about that too.
But I would never dream of going on holiday with another family, or allowing one of my children to go without offering to pay towards the accommodation costs. Yes, they are paying anyway, but I think it's cheeky to expect free accomodation. You wouldn't expect the airline to offer a free flight because there's an unsold seat would you? Ok, they're a business not friends but it's still effectively expecting something for nothing.
A lot of people would refuse the offer of course, as indeed we did when my DD's friend came with us. But we did accept her offer of taking us all out for a nice meal during the holiday. Unless you have previously taken their child away and paid, in which case I would expect them to reciprocate, then I think YABU not to offer to contribute to the accomodation.

SecretKeeper1 · 28/01/2022 18:20

So they took £270 extra from him the first time, and now £300 this time? The friendship would probably be over for me to be honest.

How much did the one holiday cost if he adds it all up (ie 270+300+flights/spends) in total? And for how long / what sort of holiday? That would probably dictate whether I just chalked it up to experience or went gunning for the mean bitch.

1FootInTheRave · 28/01/2022 18:24

She took 270 of a teenaged kid?

She is a thieving rat.

DrManhattan · 28/01/2022 18:25

Your friend is awful, that's so tight. She should be embarrassed. I'd have nothing to do with them going forward.

justustwoandmoo · 28/01/2022 18:27

Send your friend a link to this thread. She's acting terribly! I can't believe anyone would actually do that! I'd be so angry

ILoveYouMoreTheEnd · 28/01/2022 18:31

Wow so she took £270 off a 15 year old boy how must he have felt then that's awful! Good job you gave him money then. He must have been mortified and didn't want to tell you. This is not a friend at all doing that to your son. Then this £300, what has your sons friend said if anything? Xx

Blossomtoes · 28/01/2022 18:32

So he’s subsidised their holiday - twice. I wouldn’t want anything to do with her, it’s one of the meanest things I’ve ever heard.

LaChanticleer · 28/01/2022 18:33

Oh @Indie4444 how very very sad to lose 45 shared years. But I don't blame you for retreating from the friendship.

It's hard to be friends with someone so mean & tight-fisted.

HanSB · 28/01/2022 18:34

That's pretty shoddy behaviour especially towards a teenager who obviously doesn't have much money going. I think they know they are in the wrong as they didn't mention to you charging your son for accommodation in the first holiday. They would have had to pay for the room regardless if the boys were sharing so it's not acceptable to use your son's money to subsidise their holiday costs. You made the right decision with regards to the friendship. I hope the boys can work their way through this too.
Generally I think asking for costs can be acceptable as long as beforehand everyone is aware of what is being asked and has accepted those terms. However usually if someone asks to host another child then I would expect some cost to be covered like the accommodation.

Hankunamatata · 28/01/2022 18:34

Personally I wouldnt have fallen out with a friend of 45 years over this.

Your son isnt a child if he is finishing a degree, he is 20/21 adult. He made the choice to go on holiday with them knowing like last time he had to pay accommodation. The holiday still went ahead and he couldn't go.

SockFluffInTheBath · 28/01/2022 18:35

Time to be nc and mean it- no cards no nothing. They sound awful, your poor DS. I would be inclined to give him the money from my own pocket, it’s not right he’s been ripped off like this.