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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taking your child's friend on holiday and charging them for accomodation?

110 replies

Indie4444 · 28/01/2022 17:45

.. I personally wouldn't, I would expect them to pay for their own flight and spending money but I wouldn't charge them for staying with us.

I'm in a situation that involves my best and oldest friend, her family and my son. The two families are exceptionally close and our friendship spans over 45 yrs. They first invited my son, then 15 to join them on a family holiday to Spain a few years ago. We paid for his flight and also covered his expenses whilst there which I thought was reasonable. I only recently found out that my friend charged him £270 for his stay (sharing a room with their son) which my son paid. He didn't tell me until recently so I was completely unaware.

Fast forward to a year ago, my son was again invited to join them on holiday. He bought his own flight and was again charged for his accommodation (sharing a room with their son).

Unfortunately Covid meant it had to be postponed until this January where it clashed with my son's final Uni exams (the exam dates were only released a few weeks beforehand so not much warning) which meant he couldn't go. It was a huge shame because he had been looking forward to it for so long. If he had gone he would have missed an important exam which is worth points to his final degree mark. Also if he had caught Covid whilst there he would have missed ALL his exams which would have been disastrous.

Me and his father felt he had made the right decision not to bin off his final year exams and he reluctantly had to pull out.

He has just been given a voucher for the full flight amount but my closest friend is keeping his accommodation money which I think it so morally wrong. The £300 was to cover his stay in the villa whilst he was there (showers, electricity etc) but the poor kid didn't go so he's basically given them almost £300 spending money for absolutely nothing!! It wasn't even as if my son had his own room (on either occasion!!).

My daughter has recently been asked if she would like to join one of her friend's and their family on a holiday this summer to Greece. The first thing they said was "We'd love it if your daughter could join us, we will obviously cover the accommodation side but if you could cover her flight and give her some spending money that would be great".

In my mind that is how this should work. Makes perfect sense. If a family are going on holiday anyway and an extra person doesn't increase the cost of the accommodation - why on earth charge them for it?!!!!

When my best friends returned from their holiday we asked if it would be possible if my son could have his money reimbursed and the answer was a straight out and out NO. End of. Their answer was "he chose not to go so he loses the money".

I am so shocked and hurt by this - a student who had worked hard during the Summer to save up for the holiday and they felt they were totally justified in keeping his money. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot there is no way firstly, I'd even consider charging for accommodation but if I did and the child couldn't go there would be no question of me giving the money back. I simply can't get over their decision which I believe shows zero loyalty and is totally morally wrong.

My best friend and I are no longer talking but hopefully my son and his friend will continue to remain close. 45+ yrs of friendship down the toilet. To rip off my son once is bad enough but to do it again is unforgiveable in my mind.

I would love your opinions on this whether you agree or not. It's a very sad situation but I think it's about principles and I feel my son has been treated very badly by so called life long family friends.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 28/01/2022 19:47

*though not rough.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 28/01/2022 19:51

Over the years I've invited a DC and a partner/ spouse on holiday . In recent times it's been our second home abroad, other times and in and amongst it's been elsewhere. I have never asked for a penny for accommodation ( they are our guests) and now I come to think about it to date I have never asked for anything for flights or anything else. Spending money they can sort for themselves.

Now they are forging their path in the world they can pay for flights for themselves and children, unless we are treating them ( and to be fair we usually will). But friends of the kids, no, would never charge for accommodation. Maybe a token amount for utilities, which are very expensive where we are, if they were there without us.

If you can't afford it you don't do it or offer. It's really tacky to expect other people to subsidise your dreams ( see also weddings).

On the other hand when we got compensation for late flights a few years ago, I took it without compunction, given that I had paid for everything. I thought that was fair and it paid for a good chunk of the holiday.

CatsOperatingInGangs · 28/01/2022 19:57

@Mummyoflittledragon

They took £270 from a 15 year old and didn’t discuss it with you. That for me right there would be the end of the friendship.
Absolutely this. What sort of person demands money from a child, a child away from his parents and dependant on them for care?
PinkiOcelot · 28/01/2022 19:57

That’s really poor form. Disgraceful.
We took dds friend away with us in July to a cottage. Didn’t ask for a penny from her. The cottage cost the same whether she came or not.

PinkSyCo · 28/01/2022 19:58

Wow so they basically secretly charged a 15 year money for something that would have cost them no more with him being there, and are now squeezing money out of him again, just more blatantly and even more unjustifiably this time. What awful people! I feel sorry for your DS, but also for theirs. How embarrassing for him to have such CF, money grabbing parents.

cherish123 · 28/01/2022 20:07

Your friend is being mean and tight.
You don't charge a guest.

JacquelineCarlyle · 28/01/2022 20:12

Agree with everyone else - that's shocking behaviour from your friend. So grabby and miserly. Your poor son being taken advantage of, especially when he was only 15 on one of the occasions!

Flickflak · 28/01/2022 20:13

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

IfBooksWereTheFoodOfLove · 28/01/2022 20:14

Personally I wouldnt have fallen out with a friend of 45 years over this.

I wouldn't like to fall out but couldn't trust or respect this person ever again. I'd distance myself and don't think I could forgive such pettiness.

AncrenneWisse · 28/01/2022 20:16

Your friend was totally wrong before and no less wrong now.

CorneliusVetch · 28/01/2022 20:21

I think it’s tight not to refund this time round, but the far greater crime is taking a large sum of money from a child direct without discussing with his parents.

Anna10309 · 28/01/2022 20:27

I think your friend is vile. 45 years of friendship meant 300 pounds to her. What utter trash she is. As pp suggested, send her a link to this thread.

SiobhanSharpe · 28/01/2022 20:29

We regularly took friends of DS (only child) away on holiday with us -- always in a cottage or villa so there was nothing extra to pay for accommodation and we never dreamed of asking for a contribution from the children's parents.
(No flights were involved, but ferry travel a couple of times. Again an extra passenger made little if any difference to the fare.)
AFAICR the parents always offered to pay something towards the holiday and we always declined, they only needed to provide their DC with spending money.
They were doing us a favour too, to some extent!

oakleaffy · 28/01/2022 20:30

@Indie4444
That is outrageous.
If your DS had had his own private room and en suite , it might be different .. But to share a room?
Get outta here!
Asking for money for accommodation is a really mean thing to do in these circumstances.

MrsAvocet · 28/01/2022 20:30

[quote MaudieandMe]@MrsAvocet

Completely different situation. 🤦🏻‍♀️

You've spectacularly missed the point of the thread you're referring to.

In that case the work colleague asked OP for a lift in return for petrol money and had been paying her for a while and then started making lame excuses and not paying her anything and expecting the OP to carry on giving the lift and putting herself out for nothing in return.

[/quote]
Ok, yes in that instance the colleague has renaged on an agreement and the OP here never made one, but they are still 2 instances where someone thinks it is ok not to offer payment because the other party was spending that money anyway.
Another parent in our village is giving my teenage DS a lift to a sporting event along with their son tomorrow. It's about 100 miles away and they'll be gone for most of the day. If she started a thread saying "My friend is expecting me to look after her kid all day and hasn't even offered me any petrol money for a 200 mile round trip" do you really think the overwhelming majority would support me and tell her that she shouldn't expect me to subsidise her travel as she was going anyway? That as long as I give my son money for his lunch that's fine? I doubt it. I think most people would say that I'd be in the wrong not to offer.
If my friend declines my offer, as she may well do, then that's very kind of her and I will appreciate her generosity, but not to offer would, in my opinion, be rude.
The OP's friends shouldn't have taken money off her son when he was 15 - that's wrong. They should have spoken to the OP. But if she had offered to contribute in the first place and discussed the situation properly, the situation would never have arisen.

oakleaffy · 28/01/2022 20:31

@CorneliusVetch

I think it’s tight not to refund this time round, but the far greater crime is taking a large sum of money from a child direct without discussing with his parents.
This in spades. Shoddy, greedy behaviour.
bert3400 · 28/01/2022 20:36

Omg this is shocking, we have often invited our kids friends on holiday and never ask for anything apart from thier own spending money.
We are in a fortunate position, financially but even when money was tight we would never of asked for anything as its a benefit for us, if our kids have friends so are can entertain themselves .
If your 'friend' is that mean and tight to withhold your sons money then she is not a friend - she is batshit crazy. I hope your son is not too badly affected by the circumstances

Fearnyleaves · 28/01/2022 20:47

These people are not friends. I hope you've made it abundantly clean how they have taken advantage of your son now and when he was a 15 year old child. Disgusting people. Was that £270 part of his spending money for that holiday too?

Hightemp · 28/01/2022 20:52

We took our sons friend on holiday to Corfu. His parents paid for the flight and some spending money…didn’t cross my mind to charge for accommodation! His company was the reason my son had such a lovely holiday.

caringcarer · 28/01/2022 20:52

Own spending money. If you invite them you pay for flight and accomodation.

Darbs76 · 28/01/2022 20:56

I’d be ending contact for that too, completely unreasonable if they hadn’t got a bigger accommodation based on him going, which they hadn’t. If I invited a friend I’d ask for flights and spends only like most. Absolutely disgusting to refuse to refund his accommodation costs when he had covid and it didn’t cost them a penny him not going. They literally enjoyed a few meals out on his money. Disgusting thing for a lifelong friend to do

BonnesVacances · 28/01/2022 20:59

Definitely send them a link to this thread. It won't salvage your decade-long friendship but it might make them feel ashamed at how money-grabbing they are. Angry

Padton · 28/01/2022 21:07

When we’ve taken our childrens’ friends away, we’ve only asked them to bring personal spending money. Everything else we’ve covered. It’s never occurred to me to charge them.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 28/01/2022 21:09

Utterly shitty behaviour.

Who takes £270 off a 15 yo child for a spare bed in a villa?

Most families (ours) see it as a bonus for the teens to have a friend on holiday: improves the quality of life for all.

Shocking to charge him for a holiday re-arranged to a time of their choosing that was not possible for him.

What absolute **s.

Catflapkitkat · 28/01/2022 21:09

To take £270 off a 15 year old without involving the parents is tantamount to extortion. How was that not discussed up front? Unless she discovered how much 'spending' he had and thought 'I'll have some of that'. It's outrageous. Your friend is grabby and cheap.

Has she got form for this? A 45 year old friendship must have given some clues