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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

exdh thinks i should give him diesel money when he has the kids

74 replies

jenk1 · 29/12/2007 14:09

title says it all really.

Me and xdh have been split for 2 months, he has the kids on a saturday day and we have one each on saturday night (unless one of us is going out), he has been quite good over the kids but today just freaked at me.

he only has £50 left out of his wages and told me "im not fucking paying for diesel all weekend for the kids", he has told me to send the mobility car back cos he,s not putting diesel in it even though he has it all weekend and im about to start driving lessons, he has his own car in the week and uses the mobility one at the weekend.

this i suspect is because i have had my nails done this morning and he is skint BUT i dont take any maintenance money off him and am on benefits and dla.

i dont think im being unreasonable but just wondered what anyone else thinks?

OP posts:

Original poster

jenk1 · 29/12/2007 19:11

well he,s left the parket ticket here so i presume thats for me to pay

but i will pay it cos i dont want any further trouble and im taking off the car insurance as well.

im not letting him put dd to bed tonight as he will "fall asleep" the other night i woke him up he was angry and came down and sat in the kitchen eating the kids chocolate biscuits my dad had bought for them, he said he "didnt have much food in" then came back half an hour later saying he,d forgotten his jacket.

i hate him i really do

OP posts:

Nightynight · 29/12/2007 21:12

"I am constantly puzzled by men's expectation that we will somehow solve/ be sympathetic to their poverty.
"

Yes, yes yes I could not agree with this more. My ex just cannot bear to think that I might have any money in the bank that he cant get his hands on.

I have told him to get a job as well, it didnt go down well.

jenk, do try and get the ticket lifted first, wont you. I have transferred loads of them to my ex (collected by him, of course!)

amytheearwaxbanisher · 29/12/2007 21:16

sounds a bit twatish ynbu

Original poster

jenk1 · 30/12/2007 12:24

how do i go about getting the ticket lifted?

he brought ds back this morning, he was late for work and in a bad mood, now usually i phone him in the morning when he has the kids but this time i thought no, he,s a grown man, he obviously is using me as an alarm clock but during the week he manages to get up fine.

also i had to give ds his breakfast and when he has dd instead of buying her another set of noddy cutlery and plate/bowl he takes mine but then "forgets" to bring it back.

i am thinking i should just buy a set for her to use at his cos its another excuse for him to call round with the forgotten cutlery.

i would stop the kids from going round, but they adore him and it would break their hearts and also i need a break from 2 asd kids cos then i would start to get ill/depressed, but he is controlling everything and its driving me mad but i dont know what i can do about it.

OP posts:

Emprexia · 30/12/2007 12:36

Take his keys and don't let him in. Put DD to bed yourself. That'll stop the visits if he knows he can't come in the house

cancel his bank card and order a new one with a new PIN for yourself

Tell him you'll give him diesel money when he pays you Child support.

Stop giving him leeway to be an ass, you give him an inch and he's walking all over you.

Nightynight · 30/12/2007 16:47

Is there a section on the form to fill in? or you can write back to the address disputing the ticket.

I did have a hard time though, one of the tickets was when I could prove that I wasnt even in the UK, and they weren't interested. I dont know what would have happened if I had taken it to court.

Original poster

jenk1 · 30/12/2007 18:48

oh it just gets worse it really does.

he came round and me and the kids were having our tea, he looked at us all eating and pulled his face, he said whats up with your face and i said nothing.

ds said to me tell him mum, -ds told me that last night dh and his mate had been talking about girlfriends and dh had said he was "getting one" and ds was upset and told his dad and his dad told him to shut up and stop earwigging.
Ds has AS and has been really upset all day and i said to him perhaps you should stop staying with dad and stay with me instead, he started crying but i want to stay with dad i just dont want him talking about girlfriends in front of me and if he doesnt i dont wnt to stay with him anymore

so,
i said to dh that ds was upset and he said and thats whats wrong with your face is it and i said yes i think thats out of order saying it in front of him, he said "shut the fuck up" and i said well ds has said he doesnt want to say with you anymore and he said fine if thats what he wants i cant make him can i.

so i said well i was right all along wasnt i, you never had any time for him,
then he started shouting at me saying he was friggin sick of paying for 2 cars and i said im sending the mobility car back and keeping the money and he said yes well id be happy with all that friggin money.

he then started sweraing at me more and i told him to shut up and he said DS i will not talk about girlfriends anymore but you have to learn to stop ear wigging,
so i said no he,s not at fault, you shouldnt talk like that with him.

i mentioned maintenance and he laughed and i said if you cant feed the kids you are not having them any more and he laughed again.

so from now on im not letting him in the house, when he picks the kids up he can wait in the car outside, i also told him if his money goes into my bank again im phoning up his employer and asking them to stop doing it.

OP posts:

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 30/12/2007 18:53

Well done you.

melinda · 30/12/2007 18:55

Good for you. He sounds HORRIBLE!

charliecat · 30/12/2007 19:03

Oh he sounds like a tosser
It probably is best he picks them up with little contact with you, less arguing to be overheard.
My x is similar. another twat
I ended up punching him in the mouth after one insult too many.
You have my sympathy.

mummy2olivia · 30/12/2007 19:24

He sounds like my ex- completely immature selfish and pig-ignorant.

Start divorce proceedings- get the form from the courts for free. dont do it online- they charge you for FREE legal forms!!

nodder · 30/12/2007 19:30

DH says, to tell your dh he is a prick .... believe me they are strong words for dh.

Original poster

jenk1 · 30/12/2007 19:58

nodder-tell your dh thanks cos if a guy is saying it it reinforces what i feel

i am going to start divorce proceedings, ive tried to be nice but he cant handle that.

OP posts:

holidaywonk · 30/12/2007 20:20

jenk1, I don't 'know' you but from your posts on this thread you sound fantastic. You are being sorely provoked and are handling it brilliantly (fwiw, someone further down the thread said that your ex is 'walking all over you', but I don't think that's the case at all).

This might be utterly obvious to you already, but it sounds as though he very much didn't want the relationship to end and is desperately trying various tactics to get his feet back under the table - falling asleep in your bed, 'forgetting' your dd's crockery so that he has to come around and fetch yours...

Just wanted to say that, and also: if you haven't already consulted the CAB, please do - it's free and they can give you advice about just about every issue you've mentioned here.

link to CAN online advice about divorce, but there's a lot of other stuff on the CAB site that might help you.

Good luck!

Original poster

jenk1 · 30/12/2007 20:26

thanks for that link holidaywonk its very helpful

yes he is using various tactics as he refuses to let me go, hes now trying the "i dont have enough money to live on" technique the "if ds doesnt want to stay with me then what can i do" thinking i wont have a social life-but i will, my neice who is 16 and gets on fantastic with ds has offered to babysit him whenever i want a night out (he doesnt know this) he is pathetic, if he had anything about him he would be trying to change the way he behaves to me and ds and he isnt.

he actually had the nerve to call me a cheeky bitch for expecting him to have the kids during the xmas holidays, well he has been off for over a week and he has offered,now it seems there were conditions.

OP posts:

Original poster

jenk1 · 31/12/2007 13:37

well today i took the first step, my next door neighbour changed my locks for me

OP posts:

CarGirl · 31/12/2007 13:47

well done.

I know he is being a control twat but please to ensure that you don't talk to yor ex about stuff in front of the children as it seems it won't be a reasonable conversation! A solicitor once advised me and exdh (when we were together and dealing with his nutty ex) to give them enough rope and they will hang themselves.

I can only suggest that you try and make arrangements by letter or text and that way you can prove what he's said etc.

Also suggest that when he brings up money just refuse to discuss it with him - your financial circumsstances are non of his business. I think you should close your current bank accout, set up a new one transfer all your stuff to the new one, tell your ex that the account is closed so he needs to sort out with his employer to get paid. Complete the break!

Hope this makes sense, 3 miserable dc in the background making it hard to think!

Original poster

jenk1 · 31/12/2007 15:22

will do, will go to the bank on monday, when kids are back at school,i know what you are saying about not having arguments in front of the kids.
i refused to speak to him this morning and i shant speak to him later when he comes for dd.

any arrangements now are done by text, at least i know he cant get into my house anymore cos he doesnt have a new spare key.

OP posts:

peanutbear · 31/12/2007 15:33

if his money went into my bank I would keep it I'll bet it will never go in there again

my DS has ASD (apergers) and he gets touchy about things like that with his dad too my ex h

TBH you are being more than reasonable but with my ex h it always comes down to money the best thing to do is completly seperate your life from his if you have a disability car thats great you learn to drive it he doesnt need it he has a car of his own

helenhismadwife · 01/01/2008 13:18

what a manipulative twat I can see why he is an ex!!!!

I hope this year things settle down for you

ADDICTEDtosayingHAAAAAAAPYxmas · 01/01/2008 13:20

he should be giving you maintenance. the csa willtake into account how often he has the kids so it is fair.

i thought they stopped benefits if you wouldn't accept maintenance from the father thougH?

Original poster

jenk1 · 01/01/2008 16:27

hey do usually but im on incapacity benefit so i think thats different.

he phoned this morning, couldnt stop apologising, said its a new year ive been a twat, i should never had said that to you about diesel and im really sorry, i really want to be a good dad to ds.

dont think i believe him, i want to but i know the games he plays so i just said right lets be friends then.

he is moving into a new house next week and said he was majorly stressed cos of money etc and took it out on me, he has agreed not to ask me for deisel/food for kids and said hes going to sort himself out.

we shall see.................

OP posts:

CarGirl · 01/01/2008 16:34

perhaps you should give him the broken record treatment, he brings money up etc, you say - "new year new start, let's be friends, remember?" then change the subject! He probably is a bit more stressed due to moving house, still you seem aware of the games he plays so you'll be fine - just come here for a rant & reality check!

Elasticwoman · 01/01/2008 16:50

Don't pay that parking ticket, whatever you do, OP. You were not driving the car, it's not your responsibility, it's his.

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