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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

exdh thinks i should give him diesel money when he has the kids

74 replies

jenk1 · 29/12/2007 14:09

title says it all really.

Me and xdh have been split for 2 months, he has the kids on a saturday day and we have one each on saturday night (unless one of us is going out), he has been quite good over the kids but today just freaked at me.

he only has £50 left out of his wages and told me "im not fucking paying for diesel all weekend for the kids", he has told me to send the mobility car back cos he,s not putting diesel in it even though he has it all weekend and im about to start driving lessons, he has his own car in the week and uses the mobility one at the weekend.

this i suspect is because i have had my nails done this morning and he is skint BUT i dont take any maintenance money off him and am on benefits and dla.

i dont think im being unreasonable but just wondered what anyone else thinks?

OP posts:
differentYearbutthesamecack · 29/12/2007 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 29/12/2007 16:01

YANBU, he is a wanker

Nightynight · 29/12/2007 16:01

dont feel guilty. you are doing the work and taking the responsibility. Sounds as though you need a further degree of separation.

my ex quizzed my children for ages over whether I have a man...they always said no. Now, he has decided that when I am at work on friday afternoon, I am actually out shagging! Because nobody works on friday afternoon, you see. Now he tells the children that I am lying to them saying I am at work because I am actually with another man.
you just wonder why they havent got anything better to do!

discoverlife · 29/12/2007 16:08

Concerning the bank, cancel the card he uses. Then if you want to be really nasty, (only feeling bitchy of course) thank him very nicely for the £200+ donation towards the childrens keep.
But cancel the card, its your card, your money, your bank account. As replacement cards can take about a week to come through, plan it so that you have access to your bank or take enough out to tide you over. But cancel that card.

LittleSleighBellasRinging · 29/12/2007 16:16

If he's not prepared to feed his children when they are at his place, then he is an unfit parent and should not be having contact at his place, frankly.

Disgusting behaviour

colditz · 29/12/2007 16:31

My exp sometimes comes out with 'sad twattisms' like this. He's getting better, since I pointed out that I don't actually care if he is poor, it's not my responsibility and not my problem.

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 29/12/2007 16:34

Colditz

I love it when you turn up on threads like these you are the voice of reason. You could be a JR Custy only Custy despite all her wisdom is not that old.

colditz · 29/12/2007 16:40

I am what most men would refer to as

'A nightmare'

The thing is, I really do say these things, and IRL, people (ok, my parents) look horrified that I would be so mean. I don't know why, just because I look like a young Dawn French doesn't mean I can't have the temperament of a Prima Donna supermodel.

LittleSleighBellasRinging · 29/12/2007 16:48

I am constantly puzzled by men's expectation that we will somehow solve/ be sympathetic to their poverty.

Every year I get a letter along with the christmas cards from XP giving me an update as to how poor he is. Like I'm interested. I'm poor too, but I don't expect anyone to give a shit. And also, I'm poor too but I still raise his children without any bloody contribution from him. Because I don't have an opt out and if I did have, I wouldn't be bloody immoral enough to take it.

LittleSleighBellasRinging · 29/12/2007 16:48

I am constantly puzzled by men's expectation that we will somehow solve/ be sympathetic to their poverty.

Every year I get a letter along with the christmas cards from XP giving me an update as to how poor he is. Like I'm interested. I'm poor too, but I don't expect anyone to give a shit. And also, I'm poor too but I still raise his children without any bloody contribution from him. Because I don't have an opt out and if I did have, I wouldn't be bloody immoral enough to take it.

LittleSleighBellasRinging · 29/12/2007 16:49

Oops

I'm so puzzled I posted it twice...

Elizabetth · 29/12/2007 17:00

Got to agree with the idea that his contact should be limited if he's refusing to feed his children. That's neglect and abuse and will damage them.

AwayinaMargoNooNooCribForABed · 29/12/2007 17:14

I had an ex boyfriend who asked for petrol money - are you sure it's not him?

littleducks · 29/12/2007 17:39

ok, i think you should pay the parking ticket asap, as the charges will only increase and it will get messy, having just sorted out baliffs for a friend who sold a car and was not the dvla registered keeper but was still pursued, they came to clamp and tow the car, fine in her case as the car had been sold but could cause you probs you dont need.

Go to the bank and change your account number, i dont think you can block payments in, if dh gets nasty, you can tell him your bank recommended it as the child benefit people lost you details or something.

Don't let him control you!

discoverlife · 29/12/2007 17:44

He probably thinks you are being 'paid' to sit on your backside all day with the kids, and he has to work from 9 to 5. Not realising, as most men don't, how hard it is to look after 2 normal children, nevermind 2 disabled ones.

I do like Colditz's slant on life.

discoverlife · 29/12/2007 17:47

Dont let him use the car either. Take him off the insurance, saving you money, and reducing the risk that he may get points and you having to declare them when you next re-new, bumping up the cost (horrendously).
He has his own car, he can pick the kids up and return them, your counter is that if he wants he can do all the school runs for you instead.

tribpot · 29/12/2007 17:56

Am I right in thinking the DLA you get is for your kids? In which case in fairness, the motability vehicle should be used by whoever is caring for the kids - that's part of the condition of having the vehicle as I'm sure you know.

If it's yours, then he certainly shouldn't be driving the thing.

Since you're not taking any maintenance off him he's already getting off lightly, if he carries on I'd be tempted to say "sure I'll give you diesel money, at the same time as I shop you to the CSA". He'll have to do things that don't involve driving if he's skint, won't he? Simple.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 29/12/2007 17:58

He'd have to pay diesel if he still lived with you and they are still his kids so tell him to stop being such a dick head and be a proper provider for his kids.

tribpot · 29/12/2007 18:02

jenk1 presumably isn't paying for the insurance, btw, that comes with the car with the Motability scheme. Fuel is the only cost.

WinkyWinkola · 29/12/2007 18:03

Should you also pay for the toilet paper they use when with him? Or the tomato ketchup?

No wonder you're not with him anymore. What a tool.

ALomonderfulLife · 29/12/2007 18:06

Tell him to bugger off, the cheek!

bini · 29/12/2007 18:23

You don't need to feel guilty about getting money which you are entitled to. I would open a new bank account. His money is still going into your account because that way he still has some control over you. He sounds remarkably like my ex who went round and round in a kind of cycle from anger to tears to "I'll change" then to threatening me and then to being mr nice. I ended up taking out an injunction for many reasons but thats a long story. My advice is to cut every tie to him that is possible and look after yourself and the kids. Men can be such tossers can't they?And definitely don't give him any money, it sounds like he has plenty.

charmedhay · 29/12/2007 18:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all ! All these men seem to think seem to think they are doing us a favour when in reality they are just spending time with their children.

QueenBhannae · 29/12/2007 18:33

What does he do with them? Just drive around for hours and hours? What a knob.
My ex came tp pick up dd today and has not bothered to buy acar seat after MONTHS of me lending him mine(which I use for ds when dd is not here as its easier and I can transfer from car to car etc)
I said the car seat was unavailable and he would have to drive off and buy one before he could collect her.
He started wailing about how he was going to have to sell his house,he is that skint!!!ffs they only cost a fiver!He had new addidas on the tight ba*ard.I even put it on her christmas list but he chose to ignore most of the items.
She was upset he might leave her so I had to loan him ds car seat for dd(I had said that dd's was at my Mums)

Tell him to f right off.Pillock.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 29/12/2007 18:45

I've had an idea. bit stupid I know but since dad's seem to be okay about paying for thei kids when they are in the marriage but not once the split has happened, don't give them a divorce.