exdh thinks i should give him diesel money when he has the kids

[jenk1]

title says it all really.

Me and xdh have been split for 2 months, he has the kids on a saturday day and we have one each on saturday night (unless one of us is going out), he has been quite good over the kids but today just freaked at me.

he only has £50 left out of his wages and told me "im not fucking paying for diesel all weekend for the kids", he has told me to send the mobility car back cos he,s not putting diesel in it even though he has it all weekend and im about to start driving lessons, he has his own car in the week and uses the mobility one at the weekend.

this i suspect is because i have had my nails done this morning and he is skint BUT i dont take any maintenance money off him and am on benefits and dla.

i dont think im being unreasonable but just wondered what anyone else thinks?

Sounds like he's trying to be a git and doesn't think you are struggling enough without him.

YANBU. Why isn't he paying you any maintenance? If you have the kids for the rest of the week and he is in work but not paying maintenance, paying the expenses at weekends seems the least he could do.

i havent taken any off him cos he has one of them on a friday and the other on a saturday and also saturday day.

i buy all their clothes and everything else, he is annoyed cos i get dla for them both (they are both autistic) and WFTC and actually asked me the other week surely he is entitled to some of the WFTC.

he gets over £250 a week to himself and gives his mate £30 a week for rent, next week they are moving into a new property and he is annoyed cos its going to cost him £100 a week rent and bills but he still has £150 a week to himself, i on the other hand dont have that but im very careful with my money and use it wisely, he blows his on computer games etc, and im taking the kids on holiday next month and asked him would he be giving them any spends and he said you are having a laugh arent you?

Your not being unreasonable. He is.
Oh its wearing all this unreasonableness isnt it

i take it when you were together you managed all the household expenses? - sounds like he doesn't have a clue about the cost of keeping house and raising kids.

How old is he?!

YANBU.

Jenk - how awful - he is being very unfair.
I think you split by mutual agreement - it sounds as if something is now cranking away in his brain and making him feel he got the raw end of something. I wonder if it would help to get some mediation and come to some clear agreements? otherwise each toime you come to something new that has to be decided or divvied up, the aggro could add a little more friction and hostility. You can get Relate counselling as part of a splitting up process, I think, to help ensure things are as stable for the children as possible.

No of course yanbu. He is. He is doing that typical ex thing of making you responsible for every single expense - even the ones that he incurs. I don't know your situation but if he's not willing to pay for diesel, then presumably he can't use the car. Well he'll just have to do activities with them that don't require a car then, won't he? (Is that possible with your DC's autism?)

If you're taking driving lessons, hang on to the car, you'll find it invaluable once you've passed your test. It's up to him whether he uses it or not, but he's got no right to tell you not to.

yes i was in charge of all the household expenses as he got us into debt a few years ago and i took over.

he is 32.

we have been to relate a few times and i thought we had got all the "crap" out of our system and left it there, obviiusly not, he is a control freak and thats why i split with him, he didnt want me to go anywhere or see any friends and i do now and i think this is what is his problem.

the relate lady told him he needed to see a therapist or someone as he has a horrible view of women and how they should be treated but he made an appointment and cancelled it and hasnt made another one.

but thats his problem, ive put up with it for nearly 8 years and am not going back there.

of course YANBU

am astounded at what a selfish , heartless pig he is

i hope you and the kids have a much happier life without him living with you

Concerning the car, how long do you think it will take for you to pass your test? If its quickly, keep the car but transfer the registration docs to your name etc. If you think its going to take some months to pass your test, then hand it back as you could then pocket the Mobility part of the DLA. But only do this if you have a long time left on the DLA allowance as you have to be eligable for DLA for a certain amount of time before you can get a car.
On a side point we also get Full DLA mobility and care and have found personally that its cheaper for us to buy a decent secondhand car, and insure it ourselves. The maintenance costs only amount to, at max, £500 (if it costs more the car goes). Insurance is less than £250 and unlike a friend of ours, if the DLA recipient dies the car isn't snatched back within a week.

Concerning the diesel, if he doesn't want to pay then he doesn't have to take the kids out. His choice.

the registration docs are in my name and he and my friend are the named drivers.

my friend takes me out in the week in it and we go out with her kids and mine in the school holidays.

i think ill pass quickly although when i mentioned to him today he said "if you ever pass at all you mean".

i also have to give him food for the kids when he has them cos he doesnt get anything in for them.

oh and he,s just come in and thrown a parking ticket at me, there were no disabled parking bays free so he parked on the car park, didnt pay and doesnt understand why he has got a ticket which will be in MY name.

he wont pay it ill have to do it.

ive a good mind to take his name off the insurance for the mobility car.

LOL kerrymum.

Jenk1 is he a bit mad?
They are his children ffs, what next he want you to send food with them for the weekend?
He is being a twat of the highest order, also why is he not coughing up maintenance?

perhaps you just need to state either you pay maintenance and I will pay for diesel & food when you have them or you don't may maintenance and you cough up for the diesel & food - isn't maintenance 15% of his income??? If you are reliant on benefits I'm surprised they haven't actually insisted that you claim it or do you not receive income support?

Why is it men seem to think they can just walk away and leave it all to the mothers to cover all the bases>
They are his children too and he needs to pay up.

no not on income support on incapacity benefit.

yes thats a good idea, ill tell him when i next see him, he either gives me £30 cos thats how much the csa would take out of his wages or he pays for diesel and their food.

he,s just shouted at me cos im going out for something to eat with my neighbour, nastily "Where is this place i dont know it" so i said no and you dont need to either.

i went to see a solicitor about divorce but i dont qualify for legal aid cos i get too much WFTC (cos of 2 disabled kids) and they wanted £300 upfront and charge £150 an hour, well i cannot afford that.
im only £5 over the base for legal aid apparantly.
im sure i heard you can do it online but i dont know where to look or go, does anyone know if you can do it online cos i need to start proceedings now.

to get divorced I just picked up the forms from the court filled them. We did eventually get solicitors to sort out the money side (we had a house) because we had too but if you don't have a house/money to split then you don't need a solicitor.

what a nasty piece of work. You dont owe him anything! That is just the sort of thing my ex does as well.
Can you return the parking ticket and tell them who was the driver? My ex used to do this trick on me, speeding and parking all over the place in my car when he had the children.
Some of the tickets I told them who was driving, but others I had real problems, and teh council wouldn't accept that I wasn't driving. For 3 parking offences on double yellow lines, I had to report that he had taken the car without my consent at the police station, before I could get the tickets moved to his name.

YANBU.

What a completely wankerous dickhead!

They are his children ffs and he's not even paying you maintanance! stupid bloody man

see he makes me feel guilty for having the dla and WFTC and while i do accept that they are good amounts then surely i am entitled to them as i have 2 kids with ASD and one has CP and i look after them the majority of the time, i think he actually wants me to give him some money for having the kids.
think that is waht this all boils down to.

im so niave, im just thinking of what he,s been like since we split up.
turning up at nightime claiming to have forgotten something, falling asleep in my bed numerous times when he puts dd to bed,claiming he has no money to feed the kids, he still has his money paid into my account, he claims he opened one 3 weeks ago but his money still gets paid into my bank, keeping my bank card and leaving me with no money, he still acts like he owns me, demanding to know where i am and who im with, telling ds that i have a boyfriend, ds went ballistic and started kicking and hitting his dad he really is a complete bastard isnt he?
and now i need to get angry and tough, but he,s played the little boy lost act and ive felt sorry for him but i suppose its another way of gaining control.
i DO feel sorry for him, hes had a terrible childhood but there is help out there for him that he refuses to take.
he goes between tears and angry and ive had enough.
he,s extremely angry that ive cancelled him off the holiday next week and has said give me the keys to the house and ill watch it but i refused cos i know he,ll move in and ill never get rid of him.
oh what a mess

meant to add i DONT have a boyfriend, although if i did ds and dd wouldnt know about him and dh certainly wouldnt either cos hed use it as emotional abuse.

only dd is his natural child so he wouldnt have to pay for ds although he,s brought him up since he was a toddler, but that is another reason we split, he pushed ds away and lavished attention on dd, i know for a fact that he wouldnt pay money for ds.