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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's an inheritance one, who is right here?

679 replies

anotherinheritanceq · 27/01/2022 21:14

This one is more about what's morally right than legalities iyswim, hence why I'm posting here.

So someone I know has assets over half a million, not sure on figure but I know she owns her big house outright and has money in the bank etc. She has children from previous marriage, and she is engaged to her partner who also has children. He can't work and doesn't have any assets, he's on disability benefits. Obviously when marrying what's hers is his, fair enough.

However they've been talking about things including wills, and basically it's come up that if she were to die first (and naturally he would inherit the whole lot), once he dies he would pass everything including the house onto his children and not a penny for his wife's children. Of course she says that's not fair that her children would get nothing if she happens to die first, all her children grew up in that home etc. He argues that everyone puts their own children first and it'll be the only opportunity of giving anything to his children because of his disability/not being able to work.

Who is being unreasonable? What's the done thing in these situations?

I know she is now on about writing a will to leave something to her kids but obviously she can't leave her partner homeless and penniless!

OP posts:
Crimeismymiddlename · 27/01/2022 22:21

She absolutely can’t marry him. She can make a will, but once she is gone he can, and probably will contest it, and more than likely get through the inheritance via legal fees.
Also, the greed of the man. I understand he is disabled but openly telling the women he is getting married to that he will completely disregard her wishes, and children to give the
assets she has worked and saved so hard for to his children, because that is the only chance he will get to set them up is something else.
He has shown his true colours, she really can’t marry him if she wants to give her children an inheritance.

NoJaffaCakesAreKeptInThisVan · 27/01/2022 22:21

Why the hell is she marrying this man? I have two children. I am NEVER marrying again (unless I meet a multi millionaire 😉).

Original poster
anotherinheritanceq · 27/01/2022 22:21

[quote user313213521]This is known as the Sideways Disinheritance Trap

The easy way to avoid this is to simply not marry him

The more complicated way to avoid this, and to provide for him in his lifetime but not the stepchildren after his death, is a Lifetime Interest Trust
foresightwills.co.uk/avoiding-the-sideways-disinheritance-trap/[/quote]
I never knew there was a proper name for this conundrum! Thank you

OP posts:
Thehouseofmarvels · 27/01/2022 22:22

@anotherinhearitanceq Nobody falls in love as fast as a man who needs a place to live. Would he be interested if she had no money ?

Whammyyammy · 27/01/2022 22:23

She should;

  1. Kick him out of her life
  2. Gey get a water tight will cutting him out
Twirldream · 27/01/2022 22:23

This is horrific - what kind of man does she think she is marrying? She needs to raise her standards and find a decent, reasonable man who understands that one does not treat one’s children like this upon your death.

I’d show her this thread to try and make her see sense. She should run for the hills and not marry such a ruthless gold digger.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/01/2022 22:25

@Hercisback

She should not marry him!
This in spades ♠️ She’d be bonkers to marry him…
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 27/01/2022 22:26

She needs to get advice, but he does not necessarily have the right to anything. If he moves into her home that she owns, he does not have a right to it when she dies. Nor does he have the right to her money. In fact there are many cases like this where the spouse is thrown out when the party who owns the house dies and their children inherit. You can write it so that the surviving spouse has the right to stay in the house until they die but then it goes where you want it to after they die. But I would be very concerned about his attitude in general.

OakPine · 27/01/2022 22:26

She needs legal advice.

She cares more about the cocklodger than you and your siblings. That's what she is telling you!

Hell would freeze over before I attended the wedding, or became her executor.

Best wishes. What a horrible situation for you and your siblings xx

PurpleCarpets · 27/01/2022 22:27

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I'm astonished at his honesty about how dishonest he is - he can't be very bright. At least, on Goldenballs, all of the finalists who were planning on choosing the Steal ball would lie beforehand and promise they were going to split.

As for it being the only way he can leave his kids an inheritance, he could rob a bank or commit benefit fraud or something else equally immoral and dishonest - if he has no principles at all.

Has she actually said anything about all of the money going to her kids or is she thinking half to his and half to hers or splitting it equally by the number of children? If so, his kids would still get a whacking inheritance that they would never otherwise have had, without stealing somebody else's as well.

She would be an absolute fool to marry him now that he's plainly shown his true colours. If he's already planning now on doing the dirty on her kids after she dies, he isn't going to treat them well in the meantime, is he?

Also, PP said about a trust that gives him a life interest and then it all goes to her kids after he dies - I would most certainly not do this, as it assumes that he wouldn't spend deliberately extravagantly or transfer it all early to his kids the instant she's gone - he's basically admitted that this would be his MO.

That problem is very easily avoided. He would not be the trustee.
LaChanticleer · 27/01/2022 22:27

He is unreasonable to the point of near criminality. I mean, I know it’s not criminal but he’s a greedy immoral wretch.

I wouldn’t be marrying him after that discussion.

But your friend can see a solicitor to draw up her will which would leave her children her property securely - a trust or similar. It’s pretty common for second marriages where there are children from previous marriages.

Bakewelltart987 · 27/01/2022 22:28

I'd been giving my children the inheritance early then signing over my house to them on the condition its mine till I die. Obviously this post is not real surely their isn't a person on earth that would marry a man like this.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/01/2022 22:28

In spite of us all wisely saying that she shouldn't marry him, if she tells him that she's put careful legal processes in place to ensure that her children's inheritance would be protected, would he suddenly lose interest in the prospect and decide that he now doesn't want to marry her after all?

lollipopsandrainbows · 27/01/2022 22:29

My mum has been going through this. My mum has myself and older brother from her marriage to my dad. Now married to my step-dad of 18 years, whom has one son who is older than me and my brother. Mum has much higher pension than step dad, however all savings are joint, house jointly owned outright. With the help of financial advisors and solicitors, they've done wills which allocate certain provisions to each child and grandchildren. I'm the executor even though I'm the youngest, and I also have all financial and health decisions if either of them lose capacity upon the death of another. Ultimately though, this could all be superseded if one of them died and then the other one re-married. Basically my step dad and his son could do a runner with everything if they wished upon my mums death...but we would be able to challenge this as the last will and testament is signed and dated at a time my mum has mental capacity. It's all down to trust though. In this instance, there's no way id be happy if my step dad said his son should have it all as he hasn't had the life my brother and I did growing up! That's not our fault. So she either needs a very good solicitor who can but things in trust and make it rock solid...or not marry him.

Original poster
anotherinheritanceq · 27/01/2022 22:31

@OakPine

She needs legal advice.

She cares more about the cocklodger than you and your siblings. That's what she is telling you!

Hell would freeze over before I attended the wedding, or became her executor.

Best wishes. What a horrible situation for you and your siblings xx

Well she seemed very upset and torn about it when she told me, but thinks she can sort out a will etc to prevent this from happening. I think she is quite naïve if anything. I do think she's scared of being lonely as well. I don't really want to get into all the ins and outs of it but she is rather vulnerable but there is little I can do sadly.

There won't be any wedding to attend anyway, she plans on having a small private ceremony away somewhere.

OP posts:
Cherrybomb197 · 27/01/2022 22:31

She should definitely not marry him!

If she does, she should get a solicitor to protect the inheritance for HER children.

If I was to be widowed I would never marry again; simply to ensure that my son received the inheritance

Pedallleur · 27/01/2022 22:31

If the house is in a trust it CANNOT be used for care home fees etc. It's in a trust. All this stuff you hear about that rich people do, trust funds etc is done for these reasons. Once its made it can't be contested assuming the will was properly done. Irrespective of if she stays with him she should domit anyway. Avoid mirror wills, a partner can secretly change theirs. Also there are revocable trusts and irrevocable trusts. You can see why solid legal advice is neccessary. She needs to think about passing the house bypassing him AND avoiding the clutches of HMRC.

FitAt50 · 27/01/2022 22:32

I'm a man and agree he is being an utter dick. Tell her to get a lawyer and a will before doing anything..

Original poster
anotherinheritanceq · 27/01/2022 22:32

@Bakewelltart987

I'd been giving my children the inheritance early then signing over my house to them on the condition its mine till I die. Obviously this post is not real surely their isn't a person on earth that would marry a man like this.
Obviously this post isn't real??? Um well it is.
OP posts:
RB68 · 27/01/2022 22:34

He is able to do this in law but fundamentally I would second guess marrying him if thats his attitude.

She can have seperate will that leaves things differently - the best solution will depend on the age of her kids and also of him. So an interest for life in a property is tying for the kids - Personally in her situation I would ring fence my assets by putting them in a trust that once I died goes to my kids and then its with them what to do - I wouldnt even give him an interest for life to be honest as that is the sort of person that would then tie the property up for however long he lives and even with a disability that could be a long time and give no consideration to her kids. So yes in Trust straight to them on death, any gains subsequently could be treated differently with x% to each child and x% to him. Wouldn''t bother with anything from her to his kids.

ChastainsMisery · 27/01/2022 22:35

@Hercisback

She should not marry him!
Bear me to it!
lollipopsandrainbows · 27/01/2022 22:35

@Pedallleur is right about Trusts, we looked into this however if they needed to go into care none of us siblings have a means to pay, so the house would need to sell. So the final will states that any financial matters left over after long term care be then split 3 ways. So all savings and property to go first to pay for any required care. If you place the property in trust, you cannot utilise it to pay for care, and would need to find the money.

SummerWhisper · 27/01/2022 22:35

Ask her to see a solicitor next week re the will. He might try to bring the wedding forward if he cottons on to a will n the process of being written.

She could leave him a fixed amount if she wishes, e.g. a percentage of the house sale on her death, for example, he could have 1/5 and each child of your mum's could have 1/5 each if there are say 4 children. It's better than him being a lifetime tenant as you and your child may not benefit for many years.

Late 40s is still young - he could marry then divorce her in order to 'cash in' his perceived share and she could lose half without a will, which would drastically reduce your inheritance but importantly, she needs to consider her healthcare in her later years.

If his disability will lead to a worsened condition, she will be required to use her assets to pay for his care.

So much for a legal mind to wade through and should be done ASAP!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/01/2022 22:37

Honestly? If she's willing to put a man before her own kids by marrying someone who has outright said he will leave her kids with nothing if she dies first, I'm not sure I would be able to be friends with her.

She's even worse than him if she goes ahead with marrying him IMO.

deleteasappropriate · 27/01/2022 22:39

Remind her of Linda Bellingham's poor children. She assumed the cocklodger she married would do the right thing. He did - for himself, I don't think they got a penny.