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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's an inheritance one, who is right here?

679 replies

anotherinheritanceq · 27/01/2022 21:14

This one is more about what's morally right than legalities iyswim, hence why I'm posting here.

So someone I know has assets over half a million, not sure on figure but I know she owns her big house outright and has money in the bank etc. She has children from previous marriage, and she is engaged to her partner who also has children. He can't work and doesn't have any assets, he's on disability benefits. Obviously when marrying what's hers is his, fair enough.

However they've been talking about things including wills, and basically it's come up that if she were to die first (and naturally he would inherit the whole lot), once he dies he would pass everything including the house onto his children and not a penny for his wife's children. Of course she says that's not fair that her children would get nothing if she happens to die first, all her children grew up in that home etc. He argues that everyone puts their own children first and it'll be the only opportunity of giving anything to his children because of his disability/not being able to work.

Who is being unreasonable? What's the done thing in these situations?

I know she is now on about writing a will to leave something to her kids but obviously she can't leave her partner homeless and penniless!

OP posts:

SummerWhisper · 27/01/2022 23:04

Please don't listen to any advice about allowing him to live in the house until his death. He cannot be trusted with your mother's assets. Her will at the very most needs to leave him a small percentage share of sale and split of assets on her death and the rest to be divided equally between her offspring. Nothing more should go to him, certainly not a lifetime tenancy. That's too unfair on you and your siblings and your mother's grandchildren.

ChimChimeny · 27/01/2022 23:04

Isn't divorce a greater risk than her dying given her age? Presumably he only has to hang on for a few years and then divorce her taking as much as he can get his grubby hands on...

Octomore · 27/01/2022 23:05

Any man who would leave your children with nothing is not worth marrying

She needs to cancel the wedding because he's a shit.

If she does marry him like a fool she needs to make a will and leave her estate to her children. It's by no means 'natural' that he should inherit everything given that she has children.

Octomore · 27/01/2022 23:06

@ChimChimeny

Isn't divorce a greater risk than her dying given her age? Presumably he only has to hang on for a few years and then divorce her taking as much as he can get his grubby hands on...

Good point. I mean, he's not even hiding the fact that he doesn't give a shit about her wishes or her kids at this stage. Divorce is probably likely.

Original poster

anotherinheritanceq · 27/01/2022 23:10

@ChimChimeny

Isn't divorce a greater risk than her dying given her age? Presumably he only has to hang on for a few years and then divorce her taking as much as he can get his grubby hands on...

Obviously divorce is a higher risk, I'm not at all expecting my mum to pass for a very long time, she was a teen mum so she is still young while her children are adults. But it's the fact that he's said this about inheritance, I was shocked. Wondered what others think because I didn't know if I'm just being biased. But I can see everyone agrees it's awful.

OP posts:

Flickflak · 27/01/2022 23:10

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Pallisers · 27/01/2022 23:11

She'd be mad to marry him. He will either divorce her and take what he can get or hope he outlives her so his children can steal her children's inheritance.

She'd be better off paying for companionship than marrying him.

PlntLady · 27/01/2022 23:12

Wow.... this man sounds like he has no moral fibre!
When my parents mother passed, half her assets went to her new husband and the other half was split between her surviving children (these are not his children). Although tbf they bought the house together and paid for it together.
Why cant you friend have a will drawn up to do something similar... perhaps to say that her children inherit all rather than her potential new husband... after all, by his standards she she only consider her children and not his!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2022 23:13

You mum needs therapy, not marriage to this vile specimen. Maybe you can persuade her? She’s a little younger than me. How can she not think about her kids?!

NettleTea · 27/01/2022 23:14

@AmandaHoldensLips

Before marrying, she could have a will written up which protects her assets upon death - meaning her assets go to her kids.

But whatever she decides, she should consult a solicitor to make things simple and tidy in the event of her death (or the marriage not working out).

she would need to do this AFTER she marries him, as marrying makes all previous wills null and void

giveyou2reasons · 27/01/2022 23:14

I simply cannot understand why she'd go forward with marrying him, after hearing this. I'm sorry you're in this situation with your mother, OP. I hope she at least finds a way to protect what she owns.

I do believe in marriage, but with a man like this? No way! It sounds like she has everything to lose and nothing to gain by marrying him. She's being too soft-hearted (...and soft-headed...) where he's concerned. If she were to die before he does, he wouldn't be in any worse a situation than if he hadn't met her. He won't be left penniless and homeless. He should still qualify for disability benefits, and his children won't see him starving on the streets.

Seriously, what in the hell can she see in this man?!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/01/2022 23:15

Well she seemed very upset and torn about it when she told me, but thinks she can sort out a will etc to prevent this from happening.

So she's being forced into finding a way by which she can legally force him to comply with her wishes, against his express wishes? And she still wants to marry him? It's like a chicken seeking out for safeguarding measures to ensure that its fox 'friend' - who has frequently expressed a love for the taste of chicken - doesn't 'accidentally' eat it.

User57327259 · 27/01/2022 23:15

I suspect hobosexuality here. He is winning a watch here. A youngish woman with grown up child (likely all have left home), She is a home owner and has a job/career.

She should not marry him or even officially move him in. They could spend their nights together purely on visiting terms rather than moving in.

Apart from a situation where the lady's grown up children are nasty or abusive most people would want their children to inherit. Be careful he is not talking her out of leaving to her children and giving her a "poor me" story.

Sceptre86 · 27/01/2022 23:18

He's a leach and she needs to set the bar higher. If he is openly saying that if she died all her assets would go to him and his kids then he isn't someone she should be sharing her life with.

FlimFlamJimJams · 27/01/2022 23:18

I think he's doing her a massive favour by telling her this before they get married so now she can run screaming in the opposite direction.

justasking111 · 27/01/2022 23:18

A friends mum very wealthy widow, they owned a chain of businesses. Friend and husband sold up their home and moved into a cottage on the estate. They cared for her did all the house care, grounds care. Aged 84 she up and married a man, sold up making the offspring homeless and moved away. She died and he inherited everything, he died the kids got the lot.

Another family widower had made a will leaving everything to eldest son. Son died, dad got sick and died. Second wife got everything she was unwell her kids sold up, grabbing everything, put her in a home and never visited.

EmmaH2022 · 27/01/2022 23:20

@User57327259

I suspect hobosexuality here. He is winning a watch here. A youngish woman with grown up child (likely all have left home), She is a home owner and has a job/career. She should not marry him or even officially move him in. They could spend their nights together purely on visiting terms rather than moving in. Apart from a situation where the lady's grown up children are nasty or abusive most people would want their children to inherit. Be careful he is not talking her out of leaving to her children and giving her a "poor me" story.

Hobosexuality 😂

Joking aside, I agree. Actually the fact he said this means she should leave him.

EmmaH2022 · 27/01/2022 23:22

@justasking111

I'm not sure I understand the first scenario.

MsFogi · 27/01/2022 23:23

Run for the hills;

If she is a complete nutjob and decides to stay

write a will passing everything on to her children, nothing for him (and she should not tell him she has done this).

Octomore · 27/01/2022 23:23

It sounds like your mum is approaching this in a romantic, head in the clouds sort of way. She's not even thought about the potential financial implications before getting engaged!

She needs to wise up, and I'd definitely recommend legal advice. Marriage is a legal contract - she is signing up to a potential 50/50 split in the event of a divorce, and for what benefit?

Would she be open to taking legal advice do you think?

I think the wedding industry's marketing of marriage as romantic and fluffy has a lot to answer for. Hundreds of years ago, people knew it was primarily a contract rather than hearts and flowers, but now people are blinded by the image.

Doodar · 27/01/2022 23:25

show her this thread

UniversalAunt · 27/01/2022 23:25

To pull out the classic MN phrase: he has shown her who he is, she should believe him.

It’s his sense of entitlement & skewed thinking that gets the red flags out for me.

OP says ‘Obviously when marrying what's hers is his, fair enough.’ The straight answer to that is ‘no’ & that is not fair.

Said friend needs to see a good lawyer before she marries for advice about legally ringfencing her assets before marriage & after that event, ensuring that what she wants is passed to her children.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2022 23:25

He argues that everyone puts their own children first

So, your mum should take him at his word and put HER children first. He should be happy to accept her doing this as it's exactly what HE would do were he the 'asset owner'. And just what he is planning to do should she pre-decease him. Wonder what his children think of this?

I can't believe she can't see what an absolutely horrible arse he is. Love is blind, indeed. I hope you can make her see sense and not marry this man. She has as much to lose as you do.

If she insists on marriage, would she see a solicitor with you to find out what might happen in the event of a divorce? Or even how he could 'clean her out' if they have joint finances? And how she can plan her estate to 'protect' him via a 'life estate' but still leave her house and assets to her children?

Situations like this just make me sick. He's nothing but a gold digger.

Sittingonabench · 27/01/2022 23:28

I think you can state that your assets which pass to a spouse then get passed onto your own children when they die but the problem is while it’s theirs he could give it to his own so I would definitely write the will to pass money/assets straight to children.
On the positive side - while he sounds terrible, at least he’s honest and it allows her to protect herself.

Bunnycat101 · 27/01/2022 23:28

Think very carefully about whether you do actually want to be executor. Having been executor on a will that was disputed it was an awful experience. If you’re not likely to be a beneficiary, you’re opening yourself up to a whole heap of shit if you get involved in this.

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