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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding in a popular coffeeshop

344 replies

Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 17:34

Ok - so I am entirely prepared to be told IBU and precious. Don't hold back - be my sounding board please MN. I've recently complained to a popular coffeeshop about this incident but I wanted to check here what others think.

I have a ebf five month old baby and a toddler under 2. I tend to spend all day out and about as it's just so much easier than being couped up in the house. Recently I was in a shopping centre - toddler ds was asleep in the pram and baby dd was in the sling and was making it known quite clearly that she needed fed. I was near a popular coffeeshop, which had two tables available - other cafes were all full. As I got in the queue others joined behind me and bagged the free tables - one man put his coat and bag on one and the other had her husband go and sit there. I accept that I could have turned around and spoken to them but this felt a bit confrontational and felt awkward.

When I got to the barista I explained the situation and said I needed to feed my baby and that was really the only reason I was buying a coffee - essentially to 'purchase' a table. The man apologised politely and said there was nothing he could do but I could get a takeaway coffee and sit on a bench. I know many new mums find feeding in public a hugely anxiety inducing issue and I totally understand why. It's extremely stressful having a baby scream at you while you try to latch in a discrete way.

As luck would have it, someone finished up at this point and left - so I did have a table. However, surely it's not just bf mothers inconvenienced by this kind of dog eat dog system where first come first served is not abided by? Those with mobility issues must find it similarly stressful when people behind them rudely nab a table and avoid eye contact with those ahead in the queue.

The coffeeshop in question responded to my message with a token of goodwill of 3 free coffees. So... aibu? Could they have handled this better? Should I pursue it further? Or is three free coffees a sufficient response to this issue?

OP posts:
GreenCareBear · 27/01/2022 19:14

I have an EBF baby at the moment so I do get how annoying it is! For me it’s more about getting the best seats that I can (with arm rests to help me feed!) so I’d just plonk the changing bag down, I wouldn’t leave the pram though.

DappledThings · 27/01/2022 19:15

[quote Caramelnipple]@MaudieandMe I like your style! Perhaps I should just go sit with said table-grabbers and whip a (discrete) boob out? Grin[/quote]
Well yes. This is what I said upthread I would do. You dont have to just go sit down aggressively without a word, you can ask politely if anyone minds you joining them. I don't think that's at all outlandish.

But I also think getting a table first is fine. If I ever run a cafe I will positively encourage it to help it flow better. I've sometimes had to stand with a tray waiting for a table to come free if I haven't been able to bag one. Don't begrudge those who were able to/had the foresight to.

Original poster
Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 19:15

@Katyppp - How on earth is it jumping the queue?! I arrived there first - I walked into the cafe first. People who arrived after me were literally behind me in the queue. Thereby I was not 'jumping the queue'. RTFT

OP posts:
SoftPillow · 27/01/2022 19:16

I thought that everyone bagsied a table in this type of place / scenario.

If I'm there with small children and / or multiple adults are we all meant to queue together, taking up tonnes of space in what's a congested area? Isn't it better for everyone to sit the children / extra people down at a table and then one single adult queue?

Perhaps it's a local thing, the queues in my local coffee shop are often long and I've never yet seen a shortage of tables. Surely over half of people are taking drinks away.

No way would I have a whingy 5yr old queue with me when I could sit them down quietly instead.

HauntedPencil · 27/01/2022 19:17

@whenthedoveslie

However, as a post menopausal woman, I am happy to confront the table grabber either by putting my food tray on the table or pointing out that I was already in the queue before they arrived and I intend to sit and eat my food in comfort. I'm happy to share a table though

And I would be happy to take you on!

There are some real numpties trotting around the place.

Unless rules stipulate, folk can nab tables while their friends/partners etc... queue.

That's bonkers behaviour- yet they think it's ruder to put your coat on table.

This is what annoys me about people that aggressively police other peoples manners but think they can go around behaving like this. Bizarre.

OfstedOffred · 27/01/2022 19:18

I just think it's very rude to go grab a table when someone ahead of you quite clearly needs one.

But it's a cafe everyone needs/wants one.

If you literally require a table, you need to choose somewhere with table service.

TableLampy · 27/01/2022 19:18

How would anyone know you needed a table anyway? You could have been queuing for a takeaway coffee

Ijustneedtosleep21 · 27/01/2022 19:18

YABU .... massively

OfstedOffred · 27/01/2022 19:20

I thought that everyone bagsied a table in this type of place / scenario.

This.

Tbh op if you'd sat down without buying anything and just started bf I'm willing to bet a barista would have brought a coffee to you, a few did when I had tiny ones.

Mydogmylife · 27/01/2022 19:20

@Caramelnipple

I do think quite a few pp have misunderstood though - I didn't expect anyone to give up their table. I expected people to respect the fact that those ahead in the queue should have priority wrt tables.

And I've worked in hospitality - I would certainly have politely explained the situation to someone plonked at a table without buying anything.

But the person 'plonked' at the table may not be physically buying anything , but the person they are with certainly will be . This is a coffee shop not a restaurant
Mountaingoat12 · 27/01/2022 19:21

If I ran a cafe I’d be turfing the table bagsyers off. I would want to keep tables free for those with food and drinks, not those that might get food and drinks at some point too.

Most of all I’m dismayed that table bagsying is deemed ‘normal’. Since when has such selfish behaviour become normal?

Nsky · 27/01/2022 19:22

It’s just the way of things

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2022 19:23

If I ran a cafe I’d be turfing the table bagsyers off. I would want to keep tables free for those with food and drinks, not those that might get food and drinks at some point too.

The table bagsiers are presumably in the queue buying food and/or drinks. Why would they need a table otherwise? Confused

AgentProvocateur · 27/01/2022 19:23

I live in the UAE, and here people baggsy their table by leaving their phone or their handbag on the table! 😱 And they’ll happily wander off to the toilet or wherever and leave their phone/laptop/handbag as a placeholder.

I still can’t do that. A book is my limit 😂

HauntedPencil · 27/01/2022 19:24

I bet they wouldn't have minded brining one over either and I would have been more than happy to give you my seat if I noticed you too - but the system is what it is.

When your children are one and three it makes no sense to queue with them whatsoever

PurpleCarpets · 27/01/2022 19:24

@Mountaingoat12

If I ran a cafe I’d be turfing the table bagsyers off. I would want to keep tables free for those with food and drinks, not those that might get food and drinks at some point too.

Most of all I’m dismayed that table bagsying is deemed ‘normal’. Since when has such selfish behaviour become normal?

But why would I join the queue for coffee when I don't know if I'll get a table when I get to the front?
Lastater · 27/01/2022 19:26

You should have sat down first then purchased later. I've done that before, and explained to the staff if they came close. Often, they brought a drink to me. This was. Costa.

Howtotameyourtoddler · 27/01/2022 19:26

People sitting at empty tables while others walk around with trays of paid-for food and drinks while looking for a space to sit down, is absolutely rage inducing, to be fair.

Had almost precisely the same experience in an M&S cafe recently. I was on my own and needed to feed my newborn. Queue was 15 minuted long and snaking around and out of the cafe. Easily half the tables were had been bagsied. I could have fed my baby and downed my espresso in the time it would have taken someone to join the queue and get served. As it was, I had to just stand at the counter with a hot coffee, a bawling baby and my pram waiting until a table was vacated while everyone pretended not to notice me.

Allsorts1 · 27/01/2022 19:27

@Mountaingoat12 but table bagsiers are in the queue for food and drink! They have just nabbed a table before getting in line.

People need to think about this logically - if it’s okay for a couple to walk into a cafe and one of them grabs a table while the other goes up to order, then it’s OK for a single person to do this with their laptop/coat.

Either they are both okay or neither are okay. There is no reason for one to be more socially acceptable than the other.

Somethingsnappy · 27/01/2022 19:28

@Caramelnipple

This has been so eye-opening. I'm honestly so glad I posted. Thanks for the replies - I had no idea that I interpreted the queue system differently. I honestly thought that others knew they were being rude... though apparently they're not being rude at all and I've made up my own rules.

I'm honestly flabberghasted that 95% think IABU! MN speaks, however - from now on I'll fling my coat down and order!

Me too, unashamedly so! I'm glad I read this thread.
HauntedPencil · 27/01/2022 19:29

If you ran a cafe and didn't want table bagging then you would quite simply have to pay for enough staff to run a table service or at least show people to seats on arrival

This is not the business model of Costa it's a quick in and out.

Arsewangry · 27/01/2022 19:29

There's nothing tricky about this. And in the kindest possible way I think you might look back on it and cringe in a years time. You wanted a table, there wasn't one available the instant you needed it, but one came available moments later. You got 3 free coffees for your few moments of slight inconvenience. Your baby presumably was fed. Nothing to take any further.

DappledThings · 27/01/2022 19:30

Had almost precisely the same experience in an M&S cafe recently. I was on my own and needed to feed my newborn. Queue was 15 minuted long and snaking around and out of the cafe. Easily half the tables were had been bagsied. I could have fed my baby and downed my espresso in the time it would have taken someone to join the queue and get served. As it was, I had to just stand at the counter with a hot coffee, a bawling baby and my pram waiting until a table was vacated while everyone pretended not to notice me.
Or you could have just asked to sit down and share a table and skip the queue altogether rather than being a martyr and expecting other people to notice you. Same as those Baby on Board badges. So many issues can be saved by finding a voice.

Allsorts1 · 27/01/2022 19:30

I have to say that even though I am staunchly defending my right to table bagsy, I can’t recall ever doing it 😂😂

whenthedoveslie · 27/01/2022 19:31

If I ran a cafe I’d be turfing the table bagsyers off. I would want to keep tables free for those with food and drinks, not those that might get food and drinks at some point too

One assumes that unless your cafe was without walls and a door, and in the middle of a field, those bagseyers would be your clients.

Is stupid out in force today.

I live between the UK and 2 European countries, have been a mother of bf babies, but have yet to encounter the grievance the OP has.

Logic and common sense becomes me.

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