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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding in a popular coffeeshop

344 replies

Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 17:34

Ok - so I am entirely prepared to be told IBU and precious. Don't hold back - be my sounding board please MN. I've recently complained to a popular coffeeshop about this incident but I wanted to check here what others think.

I have a ebf five month old baby and a toddler under 2. I tend to spend all day out and about as it's just so much easier than being couped up in the house. Recently I was in a shopping centre - toddler ds was asleep in the pram and baby dd was in the sling and was making it known quite clearly that she needed fed. I was near a popular coffeeshop, which had two tables available - other cafes were all full. As I got in the queue others joined behind me and bagged the free tables - one man put his coat and bag on one and the other had her husband go and sit there. I accept that I could have turned around and spoken to them but this felt a bit confrontational and felt awkward.

When I got to the barista I explained the situation and said I needed to feed my baby and that was really the only reason I was buying a coffee - essentially to 'purchase' a table. The man apologised politely and said there was nothing he could do but I could get a takeaway coffee and sit on a bench. I know many new mums find feeding in public a hugely anxiety inducing issue and I totally understand why. It's extremely stressful having a baby scream at you while you try to latch in a discrete way.

As luck would have it, someone finished up at this point and left - so I did have a table. However, surely it's not just bf mothers inconvenienced by this kind of dog eat dog system where first come first served is not abided by? Those with mobility issues must find it similarly stressful when people behind them rudely nab a table and avoid eye contact with those ahead in the queue.

The coffeeshop in question responded to my message with a token of goodwill of 3 free coffees. So... aibu? Could they have handled this better? Should I pursue it further? Or is three free coffees a sufficient response to this issue?

OP posts:
Original poster
Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 19:04

@EL1984 Thanks - much appreciated! Flowers

OP posts:
HauntedPencil · 27/01/2022 19:04

@downtonupton

this so rarely happens that I completely disagree with the popular opinion. I hate when people grab a table then go and queue. I find it very selfish and when someone is alone they can't do that.

I see it as no different from that car that nips into the parking space you are about to manoeuvre in to... in fact I had an occasion at a car park there was quite a queue to get in and because of the design of the carpark you could see spaces further round but you were stuck behind manoeuvring cars - the queue was longer than the spaces available.

Families behind me were sending people from their car to go and reserve a parking space by standing in it. Not something I was able to do as I was only with my two kids. TBH I was outraged.

And another time in a museum cafe with my parents we were about to go and sit down when a woman sent her toddlers over to go and nab the table we were about to sit at. The queue for the cafe was long and they hadn't even decide what to order yet so started to discuss it. I pointed out that we were about to sit there with the stuff we had just bought... 'oh but we have kids we need a table' - Yes you need a table in 10 minutes when you have queued, ordered and got your order. I am with pensioners who need a seat now! Really made me angry.

So OP no, you are not being unreasonable

You can easily do it alone with a bag or coat - everyone does it in Costa or Starbucks .. if people hate it I think the answer is to go to a small independent cafe with table service or a system in place. It's the coffee equivalent of a maccy D.
Catkin8 · 27/01/2022 19:04

@PurpleCarpets Surely that's the exact reason why no-one should reserve a table before they have their food/drink?!

Mydogmylife · 27/01/2022 19:05

@Caramelnipple

My point is I was on my own and couldn't go nab a seat - it's hardly first come first served. I just think it's very rude to go grab a table when someone ahead of you quite clearly needs one.
And who says that other people don't 'need' a table. Entitled much ?
PurpleCarpets · 27/01/2022 19:05

@Catkin8

OP I've no idea why you're getting such a hard time. I agree that it's rude to bagsy a table before you've even been served. It could leave someone at the front of the queue with nowhere to sit and consume the food/drink they've just paid for.
Well guess what they should have done!
MaudieandMe · 27/01/2022 19:05

YANBU

It pisses me off hugely when couples get their other half to grab a table in a cafe when there are people already queuing ahead of them about to be served.

It completely discriminates against single adults queuing politely. If you think about it logically, it's really no different to walking ahead of the queue and demanding to be served ahead of everyone queuing.

It's rude and pushy.

However, as a post menopausal woman, I am happy to confront the table grabber either by putting my food tray on the table or pointing out that I was already in the queue before they arrived and I intend to sit and eat my food in comfort. I'm happy to share a table though.

Original poster
Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 19:06

Exactly @Somethingsnappy - it can be a real challenge to find somewhere! And to the poster who said they'd have sympathy if dd was a newborn but not as they're a couple of months old - why?! It's not as though they're having anything other than milk.

OP posts:
HauntedPencil · 27/01/2022 19:06

More people can easily queue and purchase food than there are tables.. this is why people order when they are sure they have a table.. absolutely everyone does it in that type of place.

Eminybob · 27/01/2022 19:06

You should have put your coat on a free table/parked your buggy or whatever then queued up.

No it’s not what you, I or any other polite courteous person would naturally think to do, but you have to beat people at their own game. It’s a dog eat dog world out there.

PurpleCarpets · 27/01/2022 19:07

[quote Catkin8]@PurpleCarpets Surely that's the exact reason why no-one should reserve a table before they have their food/drink?![/quote]
Au contraire, how does your system ensure that there will be a table once you've paid? In the time you've been queueing any tables that were free may well have been taken by people ahead of you in the queue!

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 27/01/2022 19:07

Blimey, you are so entitled. You were going to ask people to not sit whilst one of them queues to buy a coffee and secure a table because you needed it? After complaining to the barista did you want them to kick others out so you could breastfeed? Jeez

KevinTheKoala · 27/01/2022 19:08

This isn't a breastfeeding issue though its a seating issue, and unfortunatley tables have never been first come first served - it's whoever grabs it quickest. Not having a table doesn't stop you from breastfeeding though, or indeed having a seat - if baby was in the sling you can even feed them in there (it takes a bit of practice but honestly it's a life saver when shopping!).

Original poster
Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 19:08

@MaudieandMe I like your style! Perhaps I should just go sit with said table-grabbers and whip a (discrete) boob out? Grin

OP posts:
HauntedPencil · 27/01/2022 19:08

Who made the rule that it was ghastly to take a table then order anyway? Surely it's something that's arrived with crap coffee shops.

Changechangychange · 27/01/2022 19:08

Sit down and order with the app. Problem solved Wink

whenthedoveslie · 27/01/2022 19:08

[quote Caramelnipple]@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea Ha! Pretty happy to come back - I'm big enough to be told I'm wrong. Thanks for all of the replies - apparently IABU! I guess I've always thought of it as rude to bag a table before buying anything. But, hey - apparently not![/quote]
On what planet?

I assume as you are old enough to have babies you must be old enough to know the you queue I bag table system.

Bf doesn't give you a special pass sadly.

Allsorts1 · 27/01/2022 19:09

I guess the issue is - people think it’s queue jumping because they see getting the food and then sitting down as “the end of the queue” - I see the queue ending when you walk into the cafe - whoever walks in first is then at the front of the queue for seats. Nab a seat. Then start queuing for coffee. If you want to lose your place in the initial nabbing a seat queue and go straight up to order - then that’s on you!

HauntedPencil · 27/01/2022 19:10

Clearly some people think they are on a higher moral plane with this - weird.

Katyppp · 27/01/2022 19:11

I think you are being very entitled and seem to imply having a baby means you can jump the queue. What would you do if someone with newborn twins came along? Would their need be greater than yours?
That said, I do think it is very rude to reserve tables when the cafe is busy. I have seen people wandering around with trays of hot food with nowhere to sit while people way behind them in the queue have sent their friend/partner/mum to sit at, an empty table and they avoid eye contact.
How can that not be rude?

PurpleCarpets · 27/01/2022 19:12

@HauntedPencil

Clearly some people think they are on a higher moral plane with this - weird.
Not at all. Queueing is a moral issue.
Viviennemary · 27/01/2022 19:12

I don't think you had any more right to a table than any other person. Why would you have. People in the queue could have been diabetic and needed something to eat.

HauntedPencil · 27/01/2022 19:13

You are still queuing. You've just had the sense to ensure you can sit down afterwards. Why are you right? There is no tome of Costa Etiquette.

HauntedPencil · 27/01/2022 19:14

A moral issue - Grin

Original poster
Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 19:14

This has been so eye-opening. I'm honestly so glad I posted. Thanks for the replies - I had no idea that I interpreted the queue system differently. I honestly thought that others knew they were being rude... though apparently they're not being rude at all and I've made up my own rules.

I'm honestly flabberghasted that 95% think IABU! MN speaks, however - from now on I'll fling my coat down and order!

OP posts:
whenthedoveslie · 27/01/2022 19:14

However, as a post menopausal woman, I am happy to confront the table grabber either by putting my food tray on the table or pointing out that I was already in the queue before they arrived and I intend to sit and eat my food in comfort. I'm happy to share a table though

And I would be happy to take you on!

There are some real numpties trotting around the place.

Unless rules stipulate, folk can nab tables while their friends/partners etc... queue.