To ask for help re missing clothes drama?!

[joggerdrama]

24 y/o dd is autistic, she is high functioning but has a few sensory issues and struggles with mental health. She is fairly picky about clothes she’s wears and goes through periods of having a “comfort outfit” when her mental health is low. Recently her comfort item has been a pair of puma joggers.

Last night she did some washing and put said joggers in. I actually saw her taking them off and putting them into the washing machine so whether or not they were hers they’re the ones she’s been wearing. I came home from work today to her absolutely distraught because she went to take her clothes off the clothes horse and her joggers were missing, ds’ gf had hung some of her washing, and she is now wearing the same pair of joggers. I talked to gf and she says they’re hers, both dd and ds’ gf can show me proof of them buying the exact same joggers in the same size.

Dd wants me to make gf give them to her but I’m not willing to do that without any proof they aren’t hers. Gf emptied out the wardrobe and drawers to show me and dd that whilst she does have 2 pairs, they’re 2 different sizes so the joggers she’s wearing are definitely hers.

Dd is breaking her heart over this, saying she can’t go out with her friends today without them and she’s gonna call in sick to work at the weekend as she can’t wear anything else. She’s even gone as far as saying she wishes gf would go back to her own house and when I said that this is her home now she said well she wishes she’d just drop dead then (which I spoke to her about dw). She’s now crying her eyes out in her room and saying she wishes she was dead.

To save all this hassle I thought I’d just buy dd a couple of new pairs but they’re £35 for just one pair!! And then almost £6 for next day delivery to guarantee they’re here before she goes to work. I just can’t afford that right now and pay day isn’t for another 10 days! Dd also can’t afford to replace the joggers and she doesn’t get paid til the 15th.

I don’t know what I can do to fix this. I can’t demand gf hand over the joggers because they might belong to dd can I? But due to dds autism she probably isn’t going to move on from this for a while.

Just want to add after all that before anyone says anything due to how “dramatic” she’s being, I say dd is high functioning as that’s how she’s been labelled but I’ve suspected for a while she isn’t as functioning as she appears to be but has just adapted due to no-one suspecting autism until she was 13/14 and not getting an official asd diagnosis until she was 18.

This was obvious from the start and I said it pages ago.
The GF clearly took them from the dryer after your daughter hung them from it. You should have stood up for your daughter right then and told her to put them back.

Your daughter does her own washing. It would be really unlikely that she would have got her stuff mixed up with gf's or taken the gf's. The Gf clearly lost hers.

It does sounds like the gf lost her joggers on new years eve at the hotel. I am glad your daughter is getting her joggers back. You sound like a caring mum.

If you DD put them on the dryer then surely they are hers, how can GF claim them?

Never mind just read the update, I hope GF is happy to return them to your DD

@aSofaNearYou exactly, l am neurodiverse but don’t just get what l want because of that. Especially if l was going around wishing people dead! Most likely the girlfriend won’t want to give or lend them (l hate lending clothes so won’t). It’s not as if she will get the money anytime soon. If OP’s daughter has such specific clothing desires then she needs to pay for them either by her money, klarna or similar. I’m anti-klarna but OP’s daughter desperately wants them allegedly

@christingle2

I do think people are painting the GF in a unnecessarily bad light.

GF shouldn’t be forced to give her own joggers up; just because where do you draw the line? If anything, the focus should be on seeing if medical advice from the GP can support the daughter through this vs giving in to her demands as she may be having a dip in her mental health. Eg what if the next thing she can’t function without is significantly more expensive or hard to source etc and she is in further turmoil as a result? Both of you need support

This reads like gaslighting to me. Dd has been wearing this pair, washed them and hung them on the airer - GF then removed them from there and is wearing them. Of course dd sees them as hers and so is upset (I would be too!). Hardly qualifies as a mental health crisis.

aSofaNearYou
I think it's really unreasonable to expect someone to give away their belongings out of the goodness of their heart because the other person has SEN, especially an item of this value.
Look at what you wrote yourself - 'give away their belongings' - you yourself assumed these are the gf's joggers! No one ever asked anyone to give away their belongings - their ownership has been unclear until OP's recent post that the last time the gf saw the joggers when she was ill and in a hotel on NY's eve.

On balance of probability these are DD's joggers as GF probably left hers in the hotel - she admits herself she was drunk and also that she didn't check she had them when she came back and hasn't seen them since! She took them out of DD's washing and needs to give them back.

I think the gf needs to go and find her own accommodation. Seems to me her presence in the house is causing tension for your DD. You have absulutely no obligation to house this girl. Get rid. You need to put your DD first.

With your update op, I think whatever the outcome/whoever they really belong to, you've decided that they are dds to wear now, and you're joining in on the gf pile on gf chooses to live here, dd does not, therefore if it’s so horrible and we’re all making her so miserable she can leave.
When your last post was how they were getting on. That's absolutely fine, its your and dds home, but let gf know how you feel, as this situation has probably caused the 'ick' to arrive and everything she does now will probably rile you up.

That was a reply to the people telling me how horrible my dds autism makes living here for everyone else. I do no feel that that way at all and would actually be sad to see her go if that’s what she was to chose. I also haven’t just decided they’re dds, everything that’s happened points to them being hers and gf misplacing hers.

I'm not autistic and I'd be similarly upset about losing a favourite item of clothing. Agree with pp, gf clearly took dd's joggers off airer.

Did you reply to your son then? To tell him your reasoning and tell them to return his sister's joggers?

To me it seems fairly obvious the GF was wearing DD’s joggers. You witnessed her placing them in the wash and the GF removed them from the clothes horse to place her own washing on there. They can’t just have vanished, I’d put money on those ones being DD’s. I’d just ask the GF if DD can wear them until hers are located.

Did you reply to your son then? To tell him your reasoning and tell them to return his sister's joggers?

Yes, I already said in one of my previous replies that I’ve asked him to return them to dd and told him why.

I really feel for you OP as you must feel really stuck! I did post last night saying had found several pairs of puma joggers in xs on vinted for less than £2 if you could say what style they are could try and find exact pair?

Well if the Gf wore them to travel to a hotel-did she then wear them to travel back??

If she's the only one who has stayed somewhere else it increases the possibility that she lost hers I would have thought.

@WiddlinDiddlinDd was also wearing her pair on New Year’s Eve though so there was definitely 2 pairs that day. Dd then wasn’t home for a couple days and didn’t get back until all ds and gfs washing had been returned to them, she then washed and dried her joggers within a day, and put them back on.

Could dd when away have been wearing a pair and also accidentally packed a pair or would she have only worn these while away?

Sorry widdlin have no idea how I tagged you in that!

The GF saying that she only has these 2 pairs so doesn't want to give DD one of them, she allegedly threw hers in the wash basket on New year's Eve and hasn't needed them since they were washed this week, so she can survive another week without a second pair surely!

It does sound that your dd is now coping better though and hopefully that will help her in the long run. If she wants to work etc most jobs there will a time where things go missing or her desk gets used for example temporarily and stuff get moved/nicked.
It's annoying but learning the coping skills will help your dd in the long run even if its she reflects and realise that going off to the loo or something else helped her calm down.

If she was to have this kind of reaction in the workplace even though people accommodate it, if she started wishing people dead etc it wouldn't work in her favour at all.

I'd personally tell gf to go asap but not make it out that this is the reason, let dd be at home without others who don't need to be there as it does sound like she's not coping with gf being there, especially to jump to wishing she was dead so quickly, that bit I think may need to be addressed separately even if it's that dd can't change the death threats therefore no one else can live at yours anymore!

Either way the gf has to go, and sounds like you're either gaining from her being there financially or your ds will leave if she goes because in the end it's your dd who needs the extra care and you'll have to put that in place.

For a start all three need to be paying you more 'lodging' allowance, you are far too soft on them & all three sound as though they are taking advantage of your good nature. They clearly have more money than you think if they can afford to go to a hotel for NYE etc (how many students do that?).

If the GF hasn't bothered about the joggers for a whole month it really sounds as though those aren't her joggers, it also makes her sound rather disrespectful if she is leaving unwashed clothes around in your home and then getting stressy about something after a month.

@MichelleScarn

They were both away from the house with their own joggers. How could the daughter have packed the pair that the gf had with her?

Could dd when away have been wearing a pair and also accidentally packed a pair or would she have only worn these while away?

She wore them out so she wouldn’t have packed them too, she also only took underwear and socks and the outfit she wore for New Year’s Eve so didn’t pack spare clothes anyway.

If she wants to work etc most jobs there will a time where things go missing or her desk gets used for example temporarily and stuff get moved/nicked.

She does work already but not in a job where those things would be a risk.

that bit I think may need to be addressed separately

I have addressed it with her already and she has since apologised and said she doesn’t know why she even said it. Her emotions just got the better of her.

Either way the gf has to go, and sounds like you're either gaining from her being there financially or your ds will leave if she goes because in the end it's your dd who needs the extra care and you'll have to put that in place.

Im not willing to ask her to leave right now over just one incident especially as dd is planning to move out herself soon but I am going to speak with dd over the weekend to try work out if she’s struggling with her being here. She has lived here since December 2020 and there’s been no issues but dds boyfriend hinted last night that she may have said some things to him to imply she isn’t happy with gf being here. I’m not gaining anything from the gf being here though.

For a start all three need to be paying you more 'lodging' allowance, you are far too soft on them & all three sound as though they are taking advantage of your good nature. They clearly have more money than you think if they can afford to go to a hotel for NYE etc (how many students do that?).

Dd actually pays £250 ( the extra £100 was her choice) as she has a dog here too, but as she does her own washing, buys her own food, often cooks for the whole family and only earns a small amount I don’t feel the need to take more from her, this is her home too after all! Good point about the hotel, I think it may have been an Airbnb rather than a hotel and they went with multiple people who all chipped in but gf regularly books hotels after nights out so she doesn’t come in late waking everyone up, maybe a conversation for later though. Dd didn’t go to a hotel, she was staying at her boyfriends.