To ask for help re missing clothes drama?!

[joggerdrama]

24 y/o dd is autistic, she is high functioning but has a few sensory issues and struggles with mental health. She is fairly picky about clothes she’s wears and goes through periods of having a “comfort outfit” when her mental health is low. Recently her comfort item has been a pair of puma joggers.

Last night she did some washing and put said joggers in. I actually saw her taking them off and putting them into the washing machine so whether or not they were hers they’re the ones she’s been wearing. I came home from work today to her absolutely distraught because she went to take her clothes off the clothes horse and her joggers were missing, ds’ gf had hung some of her washing, and she is now wearing the same pair of joggers. I talked to gf and she says they’re hers, both dd and ds’ gf can show me proof of them buying the exact same joggers in the same size.

Dd wants me to make gf give them to her but I’m not willing to do that without any proof they aren’t hers. Gf emptied out the wardrobe and drawers to show me and dd that whilst she does have 2 pairs, they’re 2 different sizes so the joggers she’s wearing are definitely hers.

Dd is breaking her heart over this, saying she can’t go out with her friends today without them and she’s gonna call in sick to work at the weekend as she can’t wear anything else. She’s even gone as far as saying she wishes gf would go back to her own house and when I said that this is her home now she said well she wishes she’d just drop dead then (which I spoke to her about dw). She’s now crying her eyes out in her room and saying she wishes she was dead.

To save all this hassle I thought I’d just buy dd a couple of new pairs but they’re £35 for just one pair!! And then almost £6 for next day delivery to guarantee they’re here before she goes to work. I just can’t afford that right now and pay day isn’t for another 10 days! Dd also can’t afford to replace the joggers and she doesn’t get paid til the 15th.

I don’t know what I can do to fix this. I can’t demand gf hand over the joggers because they might belong to dd can I? But due to dds autism she probably isn’t going to move on from this for a while.

Just want to add after all that before anyone says anything due to how “dramatic” she’s being, I say dd is high functioning as that’s how she’s been labelled but I’ve suspected for a while she isn’t as functioning as she appears to be but has just adapted due to no-one suspecting autism until she was 13/14 and not getting an official asd diagnosis until she was 18.

@steff13

She probably doesn’t want her meal ticket to disappear hence the turning out of drawers etc but really why take clothes off the airer…?

Maybe she suspected they were hers all along, but didn't want to broach it because the daughter is so difficult. She saw them on the airer, and decided that was the time to take them back...

Difficult, daaammmnnn.

Hey they have Puma joggers XS at asos down from 30 to 12 in ochre, you can also use another sale voucher to get more off I think.

The Pums Essentials joggers, in black down to £22 and grey down to £19

@Bananarama21

I suspect she was asked to leave because of rent arrears or the tenancy ended. She wouldn't have been kicked out for nothing.

What a nasty presumption

I do think people are painting the GF in a unnecessarily bad light.

GF shouldn’t be forced to give her own joggers up; just because where do you draw the line? If anything, the focus should be on seeing if medical advice from the GP can support the daughter through this vs giving in to her demands as she may be having a dip in her mental health. Eg what if the next thing she can’t function without is significantly more expensive or hard to source etc and she is in further turmoil as a result? Both of you need support

ASOS have 20% off at the moment, pay later with Klarna and next day delivery. Some of the Puma joggers are on sale too. You might be able to get the same pair there.

@Porcupineintherough

It's interesting how many people on this thread are determined to paint the gf in the worst possible light, regardless of how the OP portrays her. What's that all about then?

In training to be MILs from hades?

Which Puma joggers are they? If you post the asos link one of us may be able to find them elsewhere for cheaper. Can’t see why people are going on about why the gf lives with you, it’s not relevant in the slightest. Another pair of joggers just needs to be sourced asap.

If DDs been wearing them for ages, where did GF think they were during that time? Did she not notice your daughter was wearing hers? And both girls bought one pair in XS, as proven by receipts , so 2 pairs exist. So where is the other one? I get that you don't budget for clothes for your adult kids but you must surely have a budget for emergencies, which this would count as.

Miraville believe it or not, some people don’t have enough money to budget for emergencies!

If your daughter has been wearing these joggers and the gf has been wearing something else all this time - it’s a bit sad she won’t at least lend these joggers to your daughter considering she knows about her sen needs and you are kindly helping her out. It seems like she is being treated like family but is behaving like a lodger. Her giving dd these joggers and you buying her a new pair in a few weeks sounds like a good deal for her to be honest.

I suspect the gf has known for sometime your daughter has been wearing her joggers and the gf saw and opportunity to get them back. If you daughter has been wearing these constantly than everyone would have noticed she was.

I agree the gf is getting far too much stick here. I think if you don't like the set up with gf wanting her own clothes to wear then you should say to your ds it's not working out and send gf back home.

Your dd will have to function at times without things if she doesn't look after them, which in this case it appears she has lost her own paid of joggers.

If she can't I would be seeking help for her to have coping strategies as this won't be the last time she loses something.
I feel sorry that she feels awful but having grown up in a household like this it's uncomfortable when everything is set aside for one dc over others, this isn't really practical at all times and the gf is being fair by not wanting to lend her things out. It sounds like your dd may actually already be coping anyway so I'd leave your dd unless she needs comforting again now and then decide if you want gf to stay.

@Blossom64265

This is ridiculous. You know your daughter was wearing the pants, washed them, and was drying them. They were essentially in her possession. The girlfriend needs to return them.

Your daughters space and trust in her home has been violated. This is huge for someone with ASD. This is much bigger than a pair of joggers.

With two people wearing similar sizes, I suggest they both start labeling their clothing going forward. A fabric marker is cheap, but doesn’t always show up. Adhesive clothing labels are another option, but there can be sensory issues. My own ASD child doesn’t have a problem with them and I don’t either, but some might.

This. If the gf thought they were her joggers, she shouldn’t have just taken them back. She should have discussed it with your or your ds. And it’s very likely she did take them seeing as your dd took them off, washed them, left them to dry and they disappeared. As you say the rest of the gf’s washing was not dry, they therefore must be the joggers your dd washed. Considering that you say everyone does their own washing, it is far more likely they have always belonged to your dd rather than some previous mix up and the gf is mistaken.

The question for me is why are you prioritising not upsetting the gf more when your dd was very distressed.

I think its assumed the GF is right and these are her joggers. They might not be. They could genuinely be your daughters and its the gf who has lost her's and assumed your daughter's are her's. I don't believe for one second the gf didn't remember what she hung on the line ie she 'accidentally' pulled off your daughter's washing when she was pulling off her own and put the joggers on her body and left the house. Presumably your daughter hung up her clothes and the gf would have had to go cherry pick the joggers out the a pile of your daughter's hung up clothes. I have a terrible memory but to sort washing and hang it up - if you had of said all their washing went in a dryer together and got mixed up I would understand a potential mix up - but when we hang things we need to consider the size of the item and if there is space for it etc - the gf would know she did not hang up these joggers. She thinks there are her joggers and saw a chance to get them back. But they might not be her joggers. Why are people assuming because your daughter has sen needs she was the one who made a mistake about whose joggers they are?

I’ve spoken with gf and unfortunately she doesn’t want to hand over the joggers as they are apparently one of only 2 pairs she has atm

Why would the poor girl want to hand over her joggers to your DD just because DD is having a meltdown and thinks they’re hers?

As you said earlier you could have accidentally mixed up the clean laundry at some point, and given the gf’s joggers to DD. So gf may have been waiting for DD to wash them so she could discreetly take them back, rather than making a scene and embarrassing you/DD.

I think you need to talk to your DD about appropriate behaviour and not becoming so attached to one pair of joggers that if she loses them she ‘cannot’ go to work and demands. I’ve worked on an acute MH unit and many patients had ASD. The shared laundry room was a nightmare as pairs of black leggings especially constantly got muddled up/borrowed/stolen and there were many meltdowns and even fights over clothes. The attitude of staff was to de escalate and remind constantly that if you don’t label your clothes or dry them in your room, they might go missing and any drama over this won’t be tolerated, ASD or not.

There doesn't seem to be anyway to confirm whose they are and I know you mentioned that gf is not willing to hand over the joggers to your dd until you can replace them but I find that a bit unsympathetic.

The gf doesn't have the same issues as your dd surely she can lend them to dd and wear something else.

I mean you are being kind enough to let her live with you and I know she pays rent but it doesn't sound like close to market value. It's just a small favor you are asking if her.

it’s a bit sad she won’t at least lend these joggers to your daughter considering she knows about her sen needs and you are kindly helping her out

Why should she lend her joggers? She might never get them back if DD is convinced they’re hers and only wears that style. Not everyone wants someone living in their clothes either!
It would also send the message to DD that if she has a meltdown and makes threats to kill herself/wishes gf would ‘drop down dead’ she gets her own way.

Clothes get mixed up sometimes in a family house. DD needs to learn to deal with that, it’s an important life skill.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

it’s a bit sad she won’t at least lend these joggers to your daughter considering she knows about her sen needs and you are kindly helping her out

Why should she lend her joggers? She might never get them back if DD is convinced they’re hers and only wears that style. Not everyone wants someone living in their clothes either!
It would also send the message to DD that if she has a meltdown and makes threats to kill herself/wishes gf would ‘drop down dead’ she gets her own way.

Clothes get mixed up sometimes in a family house. DD needs to learn to deal with that, it’s an important life skill.

You clearly have no idea about sen and autism so for someone else yes they need to ‘ learn’ but for sen they don’t have that life skill .

@gettingolderandgrumpy but it's not for gf to accommodate.
OP needs to say to ds that gf needs to leave as this set up clearly won't work. It's unfair on all involved.

You clearly have no idea about sen and autism so for someone else yes they need to ‘ learn’ but for sen they don’t have that life skill .

It is much harder but it's not accurate to say that people with SEN and autism cannot in any way learn to better manage stress and difficult emotions.

Definitely try Vinted, it's brilliant. I buy almost all my clothes on there now and have saved a fortune.

I think GF sounds like a good person and also that she is enjoying the advantages of family life without all the responsibilities - because in some ways she's being treated like a guest and you're tiptoeing around her not letting her know the extent of DD's upset for example. I would sit her down and tell her that as a member of the family now she has a responsibility to help look after the more vulnerable members - such as DD. Tell her it's impossible to know whose joggers they are and because of that they need to go to the person who needs them more and that's DD. Offer to go in half for a new pair for her or to buy a pair off vinted for her (if they are a common enough pair of joggers that there are a total of 3 pairs somewhere in your household I reckon there should be a number of pairs for sale on Vinted). I do think GF was a little sneaky to take them out of DD's washing instead of saying hey I think those are my joggers straight-up.

My sister and I actually had the exact same issue once with a different piece of clothing and I let her have it because she's got some mental health issues - that's just what you have to do in a family! If one person is neurodiverse you make allowances and have to be generous, knowing their struggles are much greater than yours overall.

*it’s a bit sad she won’t at least lend these joggers to your daughter considering she knows about her sen needs and you are kindly helping her out

Why should she lend her joggers? She might never get them back if DD is convinced they’re hers and only wears that style.*
The rest of my post explained lending the joggers while the gf waited for a new pair to be bought. The OP has been very reasonable - I expect if the OP promises the gf new joggers in a few weeks she will get these.
Besides...there is no way of knowing whose joggers these really are. Its really frustrating me that people are assuming because the OPs daughter has SEN she is the one who made the mistake about the joggers!

Woke up this morning to a text from ds saying gf did get them off the airer but only because she can be 100% they were hers and didn’t know everything hanging up was dds. I asked how she knew they were hers and he didn’t give a proper answer but said she wore the joggers last on New Year’s Eve to travel to a hotel, when she came home ds chucked everything in the wash basket him and I use as they were “hungover and cba to sort it yet” and she hadn’t seen them since, she assumed they got left at the bottom for a while and then I did a wash yesterday. Dd was also wearing her pair on New Year’s Eve though so there was definitely 2 pairs that day. Dd then wasn’t home for a couple days and didn’t get back until all ds and gfs washing had been returned to them, she then washed and dried her joggers within a day, and put them back on.

This is the same pair of joggers she’s been wearing since early December so it seems likely what’s happened is they did get mixed up before dd started wearing them constantly and no one noticed then gf probably lost the pair she had at the hotel. The pair put in the wash are definitely the same pair dd has been wearing all this time so I’ve asked ds if they can please return them to dd as whether or not they are her original joggers they are the pair she’s been wearing and gf has most likely lost the other pair. Ds says he’ll see what gf says but they’re both out until this evening now.

I also didn’t realise dd actually wanted to buy a couple of back up pairs not long ago and I told her it’s not a good idea to spend £100 on joggers, to her this meant I was telling her not to buy any. Had I known what they were to her i wouldn’t have said anything.

I would think if gf had seen dd wearing the joggers and thought they were hers she would’ve come to me, not long ago I kept giving dd gfs socks, they also both wear white socks pretty exclusively, and she came to me and said she thinks dd has loads of her socks and could I ask her to sort through them so she can have some back. If she can do that for socks that cost £5 to replace I think it’s likely she’ll do it for an expensive pair of joggers.

I don’t like the implication dd is difficult because of this, she’s far from it and even if she was what a harmful thing to say. Autistic people are not difficult, they’re, well, autistic!

I’m also not putting gfs feelings over dds, I just know that the whole world can’t bend to the way dd wants it and I can’t demand someone hand over their clothes to please her. Now I know they’re definitely the pair dd has been wearing for 2 months I will be making sure they are given back to her. As some of you keep pointing out it may be soooo hard and horrible to live with someone with autism but I can guarantee it’s even harder for dd living with autism herself! gf chooses to live here, dd does not, therefore if it’s so horrible and we’re all making her so miserable she can leave.

As for the uni stuff I don’t have a clue, maybe gf can return now and maybe I have been lied to but she’s hardly a bother being here so I don’t mind.

Its really frustrating me that people are assuming because the OPs daughter has SEN she is the one who made the mistake about the joggers!

I don't think anyone's saying that. Most people are either saying they are the DDs, or they could be either and there's no way of knowing. I fall into the second camp.

What I find frustrating is the amount of people that are saying because DD has SEN, GF should hand them over regardless of whose they are, calling her unempathetic, heartless, lacking in morals for not doing so. I think it's really unreasonable to expect someone to give away their belongings out of the goodness of their heart because the other person has SEN, especially an item of this value. It's staggering to me that people seem to think she should do that even if they ARE hers.