Page 14 | To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

ChargingBuck · 27/01/2022 14:29

If your NC for a good reason why would you want to then go to the funeral

If you genuinely want to know why, try RTFT.
Many PP have explained some of the reasons, @worriedatthemoment

gogohm · 27/01/2022 14:35

I think attending the service is up to your sister, if it's in a church they are public anyway. Attendance at the reception/wake is definitely down to the person organising

BobMortimersPetOwl · 27/01/2022 14:35

The strangest thing about any of this is you thinking it has fuck all to do with you.

The relationship between your SIL and her father is absolutely none of your business. Likewise the relationship between her and her mother, who may or may not be glad to see her IF she decides to attend.

MeridasMum · 27/01/2022 14:36

@Playingdevilsadvocate

Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life

You seem very sure your SIL has been pretty vile to her parent. What grounds do you have for that? Are you actually reading the replies to you nasty narrow-minded views on this thread?

3scape · 27/01/2022 14:41

It depends a lot. Having chosen to go NC I will never mourn my parents (i think) BUT i know my gran would have been upset by their loss and would have wanted my support. My gran who raised me has died, i was kept from her funeral which just underlines the continuing cruelty my parents exhibit. Thankfully my gran doesn't know. But that's just one set up.

Funerals are for the living. Yes. But noone goes NC for easy reasons. It's always a complex decision. You sound like flying monkeys.

DrSbaitso · 27/01/2022 14:50

As you've acknowledged, it isn't any of your business.

There's clearly a complicated back story going on and I'm wary of families who turn entirely on one child.

Salmakia · 27/01/2022 14:57

I'm NC with my mother and it is incredibly difficult and has actually been a traumatic thing to go through - not just the reasons leading up to the decision but difficulties of grieving for a relationship you can never have but others get to have. People who don't experience estrangement from a parent probably don't understand. Grieving for the relationship you deserve to have is valid and if your SIL is in a similar situation it is reasonable for her to want to attend a funeral to have a concrete event to get peace and then to move on from. I don't think it is up to you to judge and there is no reason for you to get involved.

mibbelucieachwell · 27/01/2022 15:07

I was estranged from one of my parents who died recently. They had been divorced from my other parent and remarried for a long time.The decision about whether to attend the funeral was very difficult. I felt it would be awkward for their spouse but it might be supportive for my sibling and that as I'd be sitting there quietly and would be polite and hopefully pleasant to everyone I would exercise my right to go. Partly, because it seemed like a very strong statement to not go and I hoped it might bring the beginnings of closure.

In the end, omicron came along, the private funeral was mostly attended by elderly people. My travel would have had to involve public transport to a place where the incidence of covid was much lower than in my area and so I watched a live stream of it instead. If the livestream hadn't been available it would have been much harder.

Although I didn't feel bereaved as such, it was still a sad time. I did achieve some closure from the conversations I had with my sibling about the funeral, the end of our parent's life and subsequently the Will.

Alisae · 27/01/2022 15:11

Unless it is a private ‘invite only’ funeral then there isn’t really anything that could stop her going. I can see both side but understand where you are coming from op.

My step sister insisted on coming to Ddads funeral as she just wanted to harass and make my Dmums day as difficult as possible. Luckily it was a private funeral and we had given instructions that she wasn’t to be let in.

She has BPD, a very difficult condition and it must be horrible for her. But she is also an adult in control of her own actions…and she behaved truly appallingly to the family which is why we all had no choice in the end but to go nc with her.

Siepie · 27/01/2022 15:12

Most people don't go NC to hurt someone else, they go NC to protect themselves

This. I'm NC with both my parents to protect myself.

If my father died, I wouldn't go to his funeral.

If my mother died, I might go. It's complicated. She would watch my father abusing me and justify it: "well, if you walked faster he wouldn't have had to push you down the stairs!" But when my father wasn't there, we had lots of lovely times just the two of us. Sometimes even now, a small part of me still wishes my mother could leave my father and we could have good times together again. When she dies, I'll have to mourn that that will never ever happen.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/01/2022 15:15

@Playingdevilsadvocate

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

There's a lot said in your two posts, OP, that I have to wonder about.

"she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family."
Would she be wailing?
Are his family grieving? Or glad to see the back of him because they had been unable to go NC with him too and his death releases them?

"They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her."
How do you know what they think and how they feel?

"Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh?"
Again, how do you know SIL's behaviour caused he father any pain? How do you know SIL's stepmother will be grieving?

"Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out."
Broadly speaking, people who go NC do not do it with the intention of 'being awful', but with the intention of protecting themselves from someone who is awful to them.

It's clear that you really dislike your SIL. Maybe she is this awful, wicked person that you portray so very, very vividly and your dislike of her is merited. Or maybe she was right to have no contact with an abusive family, and you are either ignorant of their behaviour when she did have contact with them or you are a bit of a bully yourself who loves to have a victim to kick.

Whatever.

Just bear in mind that funerals are not just about saying goodbye to the dead, but also about gathering with the living. Just because your SIL was NC with her dad, she may have wanted contact with other family members but that was not possible for - reasons. The funeral could allow her to renew those relationships.

Why DO you dislike her so much?

Alisae · 27/01/2022 15:27

Broadly speaking, people who go NC do not do it with the intention of 'being awful', but with the intention of protecting themselves from someone who is awful to them.

That is true, but in these situations I think people often assume it is the dc who is justified, when it might not be.

Stepsister tells anyone who will listen that my mum is a gold digging bitch (false) that it was her who went no contact with dad/us (false) and that dad actually wanted to leave everything in his will to her (definitely false).

People probably assume that she is justified and would have egged her on to come to the funeral and harass us as it is her ‘right’.

BoredZelda · 27/01/2022 15:30

She probably had a reason for feeling the way she did, people don’t tend to cut their parents out just for fun.

Yep. I guarantee OP only has half the story here.

QOD · 27/01/2022 15:38

the most relevant thing is SIL how?
if it's your husbands father we are talking about then you are maybe entitled to feel angry on his behalf for any upset caused - but surely she wouldnt have gone NC for no reason?

and now I am massively confused as my theory was great when i thought that your SIL other FIL could be her spoouses father ... then I realised that would be YOUR father so now i umm

tigger1001 · 27/01/2022 15:41

Relationships can be tricky and grief is individual.

If she wants to go to the funeral then of course she should go. It's not up to anyone else. She doesn't need permission.

Funerals often provide closure for estranged family members.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2022 16:00

@Inspectorslack
Thank you. And to you too. Your username is great.

@Lilifer
Idk if you have reported the thread. I think enough people have told op she’s being a dick. Hopefully she will come back with a less goady commment now.

HappySonHappyMum · 27/01/2022 16:04

To be perfectly honest OP you have no idea whether your SIL did choose to go NC. My DF died two weeks ago. My 'D'SM only let me know that my DF was in hospital suffering from Covid once he had been put on end of life care - an unbelieveably cruel thing to do as it robbed me of the chance to say goodbye while he was still conscious. My DF dropped me and my DB when he divorced my DM and married my DM's best friend 20 years ago - I always hoped my 'D'SM would die first and I would get my DF back. I will be going to his funeral and have got in touch with family who I have had no contact with to share the details. It turns out my DF has lied to everyone about me and my DB to save face. I'm sure my 'D'SM will be horrified to see me and my family at the funeral. Tough shit - and I will tell anyone who asks on the day how things really were.

Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 16:09

@HappySonHappyMum I’m so sorry.

Newnamefor2022 · 27/01/2022 16:14

@Handsoffreturns

inspectorslack could I ask that you attend the funeral exactly as Jill Tyrell did in Nighty Night. Just to make sure your Dads wife definitely sees you. I have the top hat, black veil and can lend you the horse if needed.

We should keep a set of all these things, at the ready, at all times, in case one of us needs to use them.

BigYellowHat · 27/01/2022 16:18

Are you my brother in law? If so, fuck off.

RammyEwie · 27/01/2022 16:49

I've recently been to a difficult funeral of a LC relative. Where the blame in the relationship laid was complex between 4 parties, but the LC (adult) child was never on a level playing field against the power play of parents and step-parents. By default my relationship was LC but it did exist in a peripheral way.

The child, their deceased sibling and the marriage that they came from were seamlessly edited out by the step parent. The deceased child could never have represented themself in life either and I am disgusted that they were erased from their parent's biography.

Attending the funeral was a combination of grieving the relationship that had been, what had not been and representing a significant chapter of the deceased's life. It also shows up the agenda of the step parent that they could not even acknowledge their step-children's existence.

As hard as it was, I'm glad I went. The tears were genuine.
We didn't waste time mingling afterwards and quietly departed.

Reasons for being LC/ NC are complex and often not transparent within families.
It doesn't mean grief isn't genuine and often makes it more complex and needing closure. Years ago, I had an older relative hit surprisingly hard by the loss of her mother despite the inevitability of the death and a lifelong poor relationship.

Unless you're pretty clear about the story from all sides (surprisingly difficult) it's not your business to veto other peoples' relationships.

sweetbellyhigh · 27/01/2022 17:39

@chaosrabbitland

it would be very hypocritcal of her to attend it i agree , but unless shes actually told dont bother coming by the widow there of course is the risk shes gonna turn up

How is it hypocritical?

There is no rule that funeral attendees have to adore the deceased.

Quite sure of you surveyed the average funeral crowd that only a percentage would fall into the heartbroken category.

Intothelight123 · 27/01/2022 18:00

Im no contact with my dad but if he was dying/died I'd see him/go to the funeral

Barnybrown · 27/01/2022 18:11

You are not a friend of your SIL. Mind your own business.

Lilifer · 27/01/2022 18:11

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@Inspectorslack
Thank you. And to you too. Your username is great.

@Lilifer
Idk if you have reported the thread. I think enough people have told op she’s being a dick. Hopefully she will come back with a less goady commment now.[/quote]
@Mummyoflittledragon no I have not yet as I have been out of the house all afternoon and just home now. Probably no point at this stage because it looks as tho OP has left the thread. Almost seems a deliberate wind up or attempt to upset posters who struggle with toxic family experiences and a very cruel shit stirring thing to do IMO.