To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

[Playingdevilsadvocate]

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

That’s the thing for me too @Mummyoflittledragon.

People who know her and my dad on a superficial level will think they’re great and will be fed a load of lies about me and why they don’t see me.

I’ll be painted as the difficult one. The emotional one. The nasty one.

And none of that is true.

I’m not going to list out all the stuff that they did but it would be dangerous physically and mentally for me to have continued to be around them.

I went NC to protect myself and I had VERY good reasons.

I adore my parents. But they have a lot of issues and because of those, it meant I was horribly abused by other people. They chose to stay living where it all happened and refuse to see their part in it or perhaps more just cannot ever have that sort of self awareness, so we are very low contact. Not sure I’ll attend funerals as where they have chosen to have their services and burial both places have been where I have been abused so I don’t know if I will go for that reason.
If I decide to I do not think some people will want me there because all they see is their daughter who abandoned her lovely parents.
They can be lovely. They try hard and I really love them so much but it is harmful for me to see them much. Only my therapist and one or two close friends know all of this. If you were a relation you wouldn’t know. So don’t judge what you don’t understand.

You have no idea why she is NC

I'm NC with my parents. No one in my family knows why. I did it for my mental health and to protect my own dc from him. I would have contact with my mum, but not while he is around.

I'm an only child so will probably end up having to sort the funeral out. I'd be very tempted to have phedophile engraved on his grave.

There are two sides to every story, you won’t know the full facts

If she wishes to his funeral then she can do, there are no restrictions on numbers now, and anyone can go to a funeral

Mind your own business

My mother told me she doesn't want to know me last week, she also held a massive grudge against her own mom for years on end (they were both just as spiteful as each other but she will not tolerate being told as much!). Then she proceeded to tell me when something happens to her or my dad I am not welcome.

And if I'm honest, I will respect that decision. I dont want to be at the funeral of someone who has told me I am a horrible person, who has threatened court action against me to see her grandkids (after she stopped my siblings & I seeing our grandparents apart from Christmas day) and much more. I'm happier now she's cut contact with me, it's the best thing she could ever do for me. If I'm honest though I will probably go to my dad's but I hope he's around for years and years, he wanted to fix stuff but nope she speaks for him.

My experience aside, I get the reasons for against but I don't think it's anyones decision aside from hers? Someone could always request she sits at the back then can be the first to leave?

@Binthescales

Going no contact is never a jump up out of bed, this is what I’m going to do today decision.

It is a final resort surrounded by years worth of pain and trauma, regardless of the instigator. The only individuals who will really understand are the directly affected ones, in this instance SIL and her father.

The situation with no contact often appears very black and white to outsiders - he was abusive, she was spoilt, he acted like a dick when xyz. It’s rarely so cut and dry. As the adage goes - there’s three sides to all stories - this side, that side and the truth.

SIL has felt so pained that it’s a necessity to cut contact with half of her DNA. That’s a very traumatic decision to make with lifelong impacts. Her father died without her saying goodbye. Whilst, yes, that was the intent whilst being no contact it’s still a terrible burden she will have to live with and you can guarantee not the outcome she ever wanted or envisioned for her life.

She may want to go to the funeral to solidify the fact he is dead, she may want to go for closure and to say a silent fuck you, she may want to go to apologise that they never had an opportunity to reconcile, she may want to grieve for the man he used to be. You don’t know. What you do know is that it is none of your business or concern whether she decides to attend.

@Binthescales- Wise words! please take them on board OP. Focus on being there for your DH and whatever else you do, please don't cause or add to any drama but take a back seat, a supporting role. As most people have said, you don't know why she went NC, nor if she is even going to attend the funeral but whatever she does, it's not your business and in your place, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt at the very least and stay out of it. Other than that, I send my sympathies to you and your DH at this painful time . Both my parents are long gone and I know that death brings up all sorts of feelings, mostly difficult ones.

Keep out of it. You sound like you have opinions on why she went NC too (which in my experience is a very difficult decision, and no one else’s business). Of course she’s entitled to go - it’s her father regardless of the state of their relationship.

@Inspectorslack
I’ve read your posts with horror. This is exactly me. The difficult, nasty, abusive one. My mother even told me shortly after going nc that I abused my brother. It’s like, how? I was younger, far smaller, never physically strong and never went looking for trouble as I knew that bred violence. He used to enjoy imprisoning me, throwing me around like a rag doll, encouraging his mates to call me the most sexually degrading names he’d made up from when I was around 12, wanging their dicks in my face. The violence and threats continued into adulthood.

I certainly never went looking for any of this. As a child he used to wind me up until I couldn’t cope and would shout and scream. My mother and brother both enjoyed doing this to me actually. Crazy making. Then they could go see, look at her. I presume this is what she’s terming abuse when they got relief / pleasure from doing this to me. She’s tried it on a few times since therapy and of course it no longer works as I know the triggers and how to diffuse them. But I can’t diffuse my brother because it is now based on threatens and violence against me because I’m ill.

@Chipsahoy

@Opal4

Harrowing tales. And exactly why this is such a distasteful thread. Op is not privy to her Sil’s reasons.

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I’ve not managed to read all comments just yet but the first page is interesting. It’s not my business to say anything of course! I just wanted to see how the opinions fell. Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out. Just my opinion which of course my SIL will never have to hear.

NC situations are never than black and white.

@Mummyoflittledragon agreed. Am inclined to report this thread now as I think it's causing a lot of distress

Some great posts on this topic.

That you have an opinion at all shows that you’ve heard this or that story. I’ve been the subject of such stories… and was made very unwelcome at my own mothers funeral. I wasn’t even no contact with my mum! I saw more of her that any of the rest of my family.

I am now NC with family as a result of what happened to me. My choice. Maybe one day I might want to go to one of their funerals, as a way of putting this awful burden down. It isn’t up to anyone else to make that decision.

Thinking on this a bit further, I’ve been trying to work out where you sit in the family @Playingdevilsadvocate.

Are you married to the B of your SIL, who is also the son of the father who died? And so you have your feet under the table with the family and are actively perpetuating the vitriol spoken about your sister in law (going by your tone and chosen words such as ‘wailing’). If that’s the case, it sounds like you’re just creating/relishing drama.

Either way, you cannot possibly really know what caused your sister in law to cut the father out of her life.

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@Inspectorslack
I’ve read your posts with horror. This is exactly me. The difficult, nasty, abusive one. My mother even told me shortly after going nc that I abused my brother. It’s like, how? I was younger, far smaller, never physically strong and never went looking for trouble as I knew that bred violence. He used to enjoy imprisoning me, throwing me around like a rag doll, encouraging his mates to call me the most sexually degrading names he’d made up from when I was around 12, wanging their dicks in my face. The violence and threats continued into adulthood.

I certainly never went looking for any of this. As a child he used to wind me up until I couldn’t cope and would shout and scream. My mother and brother both enjoyed doing this to me actually. Crazy making. Then they could go see, look at her. I presume this is what she’s terming abuse when they got relief / pleasure from doing this to me. She’s tried it on a few times since therapy and of course it no longer works as I know the triggers and how to diffuse them. But I can’t diffuse my brother because it is now based on threatens and violence against me because I’m ill.

@Chipsahoy [/quote]
I’m so sorry

It is none of your business. Keep out of it!

I think it is hypocritical and it could upset other people at the funeral as well
If your NC for a good reason why would you want to then go to the funeral , you go to pay respect surely
Fair enough if other family wanted you there to support them thats different

@Jasmine11

In my wider family someone cut off their parents, siblings and the rest of the family with no explanation in a quite cruel way. Although as they were quite a toxic person I understand that in some way it was a relief not having that person in their day to day lives. That person was not informed of the death of their parent, and I have no idea if they even know now. They were written out of the will after some years, so no need for them to be informed from a legal perspective.

I agree with you OP, no contact is no contact, choices have consequences - although as people have said if the funeral is in a church they won't be able to stop whoever coming as it is a public place.

This was me!

I have been NC with the whole side of my family for 30 years. I know everyone will have called me all the names under the sun over the years but I never revealed one of the main reasons for my finally taking this decision. ( The family would have been totally disgraced and someone would have been jailed.) I wouldn’t have been believed by them anyway and, in fairness, I was mostly raised by relatives as a child as I was illegitimate and definitely unwanted. (My mother married when I was 4 years old and moved to another town to raise her “New” family to which I didn’t belong.)

During the past 10 years my mother, her husband, a half sibling, my grandmother, an aunt and an uncle - some of these actually raised me - have all died and I was never informed despite them all knowing where I live. (Another reason they all hate me is I married “Well”, had a great career and, compared to them, am viewed as very affluent and live in a “Big house.” 🙄)

Sorry to say I have never lost any sleep over it. Callous as it may sound, certainly in my mother’s case, I felt a weird sense of relief. I found out about all these deaths on the internet usually many months later.

Also some need to remember if nc and no longer next of kin others may keep it from you anyway
If my brother was nc with my parents and they said they didn't want him there etc I wouldn't tell him as why would I
Especially if the nc was due to him as its not always the parents fault

To be honest, I think all the drama and posturing about who has the right to attend is lot more distracting and intrusive than the presence of one person at a funeral.

Well said @5128gap

And i though some funerals were invite only , such as in covid times when it was restricted

My friend has a terminal illness she has made it clear she does not want a nc family member at her funeral that she is planning , does she not have a right to have a say then either

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@Opal4

Harrowing tales. And exactly why this is such a distasteful thread. Op is not privy to her Sil’s reasons.[/quote]
So true!

NC , as already mentioned, is definitely not a decision taken lightly and I would hazard a guess that, like me, many keep the true, full reasons for taking this action to themselves and just learn to rebuild their lives without their family.

The family who have been cut off invariably project themselves as the injured party and paint the family member who took this decision as spoilt, selfish, ungrateful, uncaring etc. etc. which is rarely true. 🤔

You have obviously not been in a position where going NC has even crossed your mind. I doubt your SIL took her decision lightly. It’s heartbreaking making that step away from your own parent and I think instead of vilifying her you should believe she had her reasons. She has a right to attend the funeral. It’s not your business.

@worriedatthemoment

My friend has a terminal illness she has made it clear she does not want a nc family member at her funeral that she is planning , does she not have a right to have a say then either

Uhmm she'll be dead, it won't make a difference. Funerals are for the living

I agree with you. One of my uncles hadn't spoken to the other for years, and had been vile to him. He had the nerve to show up at the funeral and it was very upsetting for the family.

He hasn't spoken to my DF for a couple of years either and my DF is ill, suddenly he's started asking for his phone number wanting to catch up. We haven't given it to him as he will just cause my DF stress that he doesn't need (this person has always been a trouble maker and has no contact with any of the family)