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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

496 replies

Playingdevilsadvocate · 27/01/2022 06:35

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

OP posts:
peboh · 27/01/2022 11:37

It doubtful you know the full story of why she went NC. Also that is her father, you have no right to say wether or not she should go.
That's up to her.

I have been NC with my dad for over 10 years, however I would go to his funeral. He's still my dad, and I think that closure would be important to finally end that chapter.

MorningStarling · 27/01/2022 11:41

I can't wait to go to my brother's funeral, in the most garish outfit I can find.

Nobody has the right to tell me I can't go because I'm NC with him. All that is doing is perpetuating the pattern of control and abuse he gave me for the first 18 years of my life. If it upsets anyone that I'm there, in celebratory mood, I really don't give a toss. Whatever pain my presence causes is nothing compared to a childhood of abuse and a lifetime of PTSD.

Fuck 'em.

Hmmmm2018 · 27/01/2022 11:41

@A580Hojas

You've just confirmed exactly what I said Hmmmm. You've already mourned the relationship you didn't have.

Best for you not to make assumptions about my own experience of estrangement within the family.

A580Holas I apologize I didn't mean to make assumptions I certainly don't know your situation and of course you may have been through these situations yourself, each of us has our own experience and difficulties. Equally you too don't know others peoples situations, and to dismiss people as non genuine mourners and to say that people have mourned already so can't attend a funeral is not going to be the case for all. Of course some people will have processed things and feel they have had closure and want nothing to do with the funeral but others will need that final bit of closure to be at peace. Just because I have been mourning for the past 30 years does not mean I am over and done with it. As my parents health is poor I am likely to face his funeral in the next few years, and just because things have been dreadful at times and I have been mourning the loss of a parent child relationship that was not what it should have been I have certainly not mourned the death and final loss of that person as it hasn't happened yet. Only when it finally comes will I know how it feels but I will have every right to mourn his death and attend his funeral.
OneInEight · 27/01/2022 11:50

dh and his sister went to their dm's funeral even though they had been out of contact (final straw was disagreement over care needs with other siblings). I thought it might have been very awkward but everyone was civil towards each other. dh has not been in contact since though with the other siblings I think as much through simple disinterest as animosity.

MrsColinRobinson · 27/01/2022 11:54

Absolutely none of your business.

Unless you've been in a NC situation with a parent you have no idea of the emotional torment that results.

My DF died last year after decades of LC/NC. I was denied an active, loving father most of my life and if one of my sil had expressed any opinion of my entitlement to attend his funeral I would have told them to fuck off.

5128gap · 27/01/2022 11:55

A funeral is a time for remembering the whole life of the person, not just the time leading up to their death. If she wants to attend presumably it's out of respect for the times in his life when they did have a relationship, which you are not really in a position to know anything about.
To be honest, I think all the drama and posturing about who has the right to attend is lot more distracting and intrusive than the presence of one person at a funeral. You and you MIL need to focus on what you're there for on the day, and not let feuds and squabbles take your mind off the man you're there to pay respect to.

Lilifer · 27/01/2022 11:55

@MrsColinRobinson

Absolutely none of your business.

Unless you've been in a NC situation with a parent you have no idea of the emotional torment that results.

My DF died last year after decades of LC/NC. I was denied an active, loving father most of my life and if one of my sil had expressed any opinion of my entitlement to attend his funeral I would have told them to fuck off.

And quite rightly too! 😔

FooKingDong · 27/01/2022 11:57

@THisbackwithavengeance

I note that when people frequently go NC with a parent on here, it's always assumed to be the fault of the parent who must've been abusive and the person who goes NC is the innocent lamb.

My uncle was NC with my grandmother. She was a wonderful woman who did everything for him; he was just a spoilt, spiteful cunt who threw his toys out the pram when my grandma didn't agree with him about something.

Luckily he didn't come to the funeral; my mum would've killed him herself.

I actually think your SIL does have the right to attend but depending on the reasons for going NC, she needs to be circumspect and mindful of others. If she's going to get pissed and mouth off or air grievances, she should stay at home.

Very true.
Butteryflakycrust83 · 27/01/2022 12:01

Of course she can attend.

People go NC for all sorts of reasons and its normally to protect her own mental health.

We can love our family members whilst not liking them as people.

godmum56 · 27/01/2022 12:02

why is this your business?

TonksInPurple · 27/01/2022 12:03

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I’ve not managed to read all comments just yet but the first page is interesting. It’s not my business to say anything of course! I just wanted to see how the opinions fell. Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out. Just my opinion which of course my SIL will never have to hear.
Most people go no contact to protect themselves from a parent not to be evil to the parent.
Carryonmarion · 27/01/2022 12:05

She should be able to go to the funeral if she wants. I have similar situation with my in laws - I have never met my SIL. I know she is NC but I assume she has her reasons, my husband is reconciled to it so I am indifferent to the situation - too much going on in my life to have room to worry about it. I or my husband would never even consider gate keeping who does or does not come to his parents funeral when the time arises. Assuming she is not publicly violent or abusive, then I think it's pretty controlling to think that you can stop someone from coming to their parent's funeral.

Blossomtoes · 27/01/2022 12:08

I’d say it’s nothing to do with you @Playingdevilsadvocate.

MrMrsJones · 27/01/2022 12:09

@Peas252

I was nc with my dad. I went to the funeral just to make sure the fucker was cremated.
Same here

And I did cry, but only for the father he should have been and not the asshole he was.

Washermother33 · 27/01/2022 12:12

In my experience when anabusive parent dies you grieve for the relationship you didn’t have . I presume she had her reasons for the NC - let her grieve

nothankyouverymuchly · 27/01/2022 12:13

My B is NC with all of us. My DP have written a letter to be given to him explaining why he cannot attend the funeral and why he has been disinherited.

For my part, I don't agree. I think it's an awful final message to send (even though B is an asshole) and at the end of the day, they are still his parents.

Everyone has the right to grieve people who were significant in their lives, regardless of how long they were part of it and if the memories were mainly good. Grief is a very personal process. If attending a funeral (for whatever reason) helps you navigate complicated emotions, then do it.

Partyowl · 27/01/2022 12:19

My father came to my mum's funeral. They had been divorced for over 20 years and had not had contact at all during that time except to attend DB wedding.
I can't tell you how much I appreciated it, it still makes me emotional now even though it was years ago. Everyone was welcoming and nice even though it had been DF who had left the marriage.
Obviously circumstances not the same OP but I wouldn't make it difficult for your SIL to attend.

mindutopia · 27/01/2022 12:19

I think it entirely depends on the context of the situation with the parent. I am NC with my mum. I would go to her funeral if someone told me about it (I have no other family and the other person who would is her abusive partner so I suspect that's highly unlikely). I don't not have a relationship with her because I want to be mean or because I'm a jerk. It's because she married a man who is convicted of sexually abusing his daughters and admitted that he did, and she thinks it's okay. I do love my mum and I have tried over the years to find some way to maintain even the teeniest bit of a relationship with her - even though it's not safe to have her in my children's lives. But she refuses because I won't welcome her partner into our family. I suppose you might say in a way that she is NC with me. I do occasionally contact her, a couple times a year, but she doesn't respond. I no longer even know where she lives or have a contact number for her.

If someone told me she had died and when the funeral was, I would certainly want to attend. Because she is my mum. And for 30 years of my life, before she got into an abusive relationship, she was a wonderful parent and was very involved with my dc. I'd want to honour that part of my life with her, even if she has become a twisted, toxic person later in life.

TedMullins · 27/01/2022 12:20

You seem to have no idea why she went NC. How do you know he wasn’t abusive or toxic or otherwise a negative presence in her life? If she wants to go to the funeral just to spit on his grave then she should.

Jasmine11 · 27/01/2022 12:24

In my wider family someone cut off their parents, siblings and the rest of the family with no explanation in a quite cruel way. Although as they were quite a toxic person I understand that in some way it was a relief not having that person in their day to day lives. That person was not informed of the death of their parent, and I have no idea if they even know now. They were written out of the will after some years, so no need for them to be informed from a legal perspective.

I agree with you OP, no contact is no contact, choices have consequences - although as people have said if the funeral is in a church they won't be able to stop whoever coming as it is a public place.

Gnomechomsky · 27/01/2022 12:30

When my DF goes I will struggle with what to do.
NC now for about 8 years, between my SM and SIL gatekeeping and his spinelessness they have made it impossible to have any relationship.
He is an amazing father to DB but unfortunately I am not a product of that family, I had 30+ years of being excluded and pain, so if I want to go to his funeral I will, and keep your judgment and nose to yourself OP as you really only have 1 side of the story!

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 27/01/2022 12:31

You go no contact with a parent as a last resort to protect yourself from their toxicity. It doesn't mean you don't love them, it doesn't mean you don't feel that loss every single day and it doesn't mean you aren't hoping that one day they'll change and be the parent you need them to be. People grieve the loss of their parent no matter how good or bad or non existent their relationship was. So show some sympathy as SIL also has to deal with knowing her relationship with her father can now never be repaired.

username1293948 · 27/01/2022 12:34

It’s absolutely none of your business! I know a woman who was no contact with her mom and her mom took her own life. She was in absolute pieces and chose to go to the funeral and nobody thought otherwise. Stop being so judgemental.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2022 12:35

Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it

That’s exactly it. You do not have a clue because you aren’t nc from your parents or anyone close. I am in contact with my mother but not my brother. Things are very complex and I’m the scapegoat. I love my brother so much. I wish I didn’t. All I ever wanted was for him to truly love me back. Perhaps part of him does. But instead he choses to verbally and physically abuse me. I definitely have signs of CPTSD although I’m not diagnosed. I think the feelings that I have toward him would be described as trauma bonding.

I cannot describe how distasteful I find this thread. You don’t actually know what truly happened between your sil. Anyone, who knows my brother on a superficial will probably think he’s a great bloke, successful and good provider. He can be kind and caring, good company with the lads etc. Being the golden child, my mother thinks the sun shines out of his arse. Behind closed doors, he’s violent and abusive with me. Nasty asides and threats directed at me when no one else is listening and I’ve had to go nc for my own protection. And potentially that of dd as the nastiness started on her.

MeridasMum · 27/01/2022 12:37

No child/adult offspring goes NC with a parent without very good reason. You clearly don't think she had good reason which means you have no idea what went on in their relationship.

I was NC with my emotionally abusive, narcissistic, gaslighting father but still went to his funeral. In fact I arranged the bloody thing as there was no one else to do it.

The grief that comes with these circumstances is incredibly complex and if you haven't been through it, you have no idea.

Yes you are unreasonable and your views are also offensive and triggering to those of us living with this every single day.