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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

496 replies

Playingdevilsadvocate · 27/01/2022 06:35

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

OP posts:
ChateauxNeufDePoop · 27/01/2022 10:53

@A580Hojas

In the broadest terms I agree with you. If you take the extreme step of going no contact with a parent then don't go to their funeral. It is hypocritical and makes things awkward for the genuine mourners.
And as outlined numerous times on this thread, the person who has gone NC could still be a genuine mourner...
KeepYaHeadUp · 27/01/2022 10:54

@Stonerosie67

Well I don't think she should be there. If she wanted nothing to do with him when he was alive, then she shouldn't be at the funeral.
I wish it was this simple. You have absolutely no way of knowing the details which might mean OP's SIL had a perfectly good reason for cutting contact but may still want to attend the funeral.
whatmagicword · 27/01/2022 10:55

Sorry but it is really non of your business!

TrickyD · 27/01/2022 10:57

[quote ChargingBuck]**@FudgeOff, @TrickyD - you'll probably find Victoria Coren Mitchell's article interesting ...
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/dec/21/celebrity-victoria-coren[/quote]
Yes, I had read that previously, very amusing in a dark way.
It was a memorial service though, which can easily be private, Victoria mentions the actual funeral as happening earlier.

ClumsyClaret · 27/01/2022 10:59

Isn't weird how this feels like the OP thinks the SIL will be attention-seeking at the funeral, she doesn't deserve that sympathy does she OP? She needs to be punished a bit more, she needs to be properly banished!
I think from the OP's post - we're starting to see why the SIL went NC - your family sound a bit toxic - at a sad moment like this, they are still hating.

blacknotblue · 27/01/2022 11:01

I don't think this is any of your business

iamnlhfss · 27/01/2022 11:05

None of your business at all.
And as you say, you don't know what her plans are so you don't even know whether she will be there or not.
If you wants to go she should go.
Why did she go NC? People don't go NC for a laugh.

vesperlindor · 27/01/2022 11:07

So did your SIL just decide merrily, one afternoon, to cut her dear darling, doting father out of her life, for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Of course she didn't, there will be a reason, even if you don't know what it is (and you shouldn't, it's none of your business). Reasons for NC are often deeply complex and personal, and it's generally a last resort. She can attend the funeral if she likes, she may need to to get some closure. It's no-one else's business.

A580Hojas · 27/01/2022 11:08

I think if you've gone NC with someone you've already done the grieving for the relationship you'd wished you'd had. I stand by my view that going to their funeral is an illogical thing to do and disrespectful to other family.

Hmmmm2018 · 27/01/2022 11:10

@A580Hojas

In the broadest terms I agree with you. If you take the extreme step of going no contact with a parent then don't go to their funeral. It is hypocritical and makes things awkward for the genuine mourners.
I hope you never have the misfortune to have to break off contact with someone to save your own sanity. Had my parent died whilst I was NC, I would certainly have been a "genuine" mourner. I would be mourning for the parent who has never actually bothered to parent, the parent who has been incapable of showing love and care to his children, I would be mourning the fact that there is never any chance of this now miraculously being rectified. I can assure you my grief would be just as genuine as the step mother who would no doubt cast me as ungrateful uncaring child. Who knows how I am going to deal with it when the time comes, being currently LC I may be judged as a non genuine mourner by some but as his child I will have every right to be there and mourn for so many things, things which to be honest I have been mourning for the past 30 years.
StoatMilk · 27/01/2022 11:11

May I suggest you keep your judgemental nose out OP.

ThirdElephant · 27/01/2022 11:12

Nasty thread, OP.

Dottychickens · 27/01/2022 11:13

Interestingly I’m noticing more and more younger people going NC with parents (my teen tells me its cancel culture).

It doesn’t hurt the one who chose to go NC to realise that the consequence of that action may be that the rest of family don’t want them at the funeral/in their life.

LindaEllen · 27/01/2022 11:13

No matter what has happened, or why she went NC, your father dying is a huge moment in your life, will bring up a range of feelings.

A funeral is a great place to get closure. Maybe she won't sit 'wailing' with the rest of the family, however she can attend if she wants to.

ViaRia · 27/01/2022 11:15

YABU, being NC doesn’t mean that you don’t love that person and they may still go through grief just like the rest of the family.

@AlternativePerspective NC doesn’t always need to be permanent. Things change, circumstances change, people can move on.

I don’t see anything wrong with being NC in life but still wanting to grieve, say goodbye and get closure when they pass. As long as you don’t turn up to make a scene, or do anything disrespectful.

ClumsyClaret · 27/01/2022 11:18

@A580Hojas

I think if you've gone NC with someone you've already done the grieving for the relationship you'd wished you'd had. I stand by my view that going to their funeral is an illogical thing to do and disrespectful to other family.
Have you much experience with this situation. Have you gone NC with your father and then not needed to go to the funeral - you seem like you know a lot. Hmm
ThirdElephant · 27/01/2022 11:21

@Dottychickens

Interestingly I’m noticing more and more younger people going NC with parents (my teen tells me its cancel culture).

It doesn’t hurt the one who chose to go NC to realise that the consequence of that action may be that the rest of family don’t want them at the funeral/in their life.

It doesn't matter what the rest of the family want. It's up to the individual mourners to decide if they're going or not; they can't decide if someone else can or can't. Because there are two sides to every story.

I think young people going NC with parents is a sign that we as a society are getting better at recognising and responding to what is and isn't acceptable in relationships. Whereas before, breaking contact was unthinkable because children had a duty to their parents, we now recognise that if someone is bad for your mental health or treating you poorly you don't need to continue to put up with them just because you share DNA.

A580Hojas · 27/01/2022 11:22

You've just confirmed exactly what I said Hmmmm. You've already mourned the relationship you didn't have.

Best for you not to make assumptions about my own experience of estrangement within the family.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 27/01/2022 11:22

How do we know she cut him of because SHE was the emotionally abusive one, and not because she was - I dunno - sexually abused by him at one point?

How do we know she’ll be ‘waiting’ Hmm at the funeral, and isn’t just going to make sure he’s really fucking dead?

YABU. And even if your interpretation is entirely correct, she should still be able to go to the funeral.

ClumsyClaret · 27/01/2022 11:24

I've gone NC with my siblings - it doesn't mean I don't long for a positive relationship with them, I tried, I really did - but they are abusive and every encounter with them left me feeling bruised, it is better for my emotional well-being to stay away, I wish I'd done it years ago. I suspect they think I am doing this to punish them and I'm huffing but I wish them no harm, I am doing it to save myself, I wish I didn't have to.

SpaceshiptoMars · 27/01/2022 11:24

@Wreath21

Firstly this is not your business so stay out of it as much as possible.

Secondly (I work in the funeral industry) while a funeral is a public event which people can attend if they wish (sort of - over the past couple of years, obviously, there have been more restrictions on attendance, a friend's widower had the horrible task of having to tell several other friends that they couldn't come because there were too many people wanting to attend; more than the crematorium was allowed to admit) - mourners can ask that a particular person be denied entry, and it's certainly the case that we can refuse to tell specified people when and where a funeral is taking place if the NOK have asked is to do so.

There may not be a funeral. Some people opt for direct cremation and private mourning. I was stunned when this happened with a close family friend.

Also, I did used to wonder why there were 6 strong men to carry the coffins of the old and frail. Now I realise it's to prevent people from dancing on that self same wooden box! The coffin bearers also take up position just outside the church doors.....

Cherrybomb197 · 27/01/2022 11:25

MYOFB

ToJabOrNotToJab · 27/01/2022 11:25

Not RTFT but one of the hardest things to come to terms with re death is the finality of it all. It is human nature to think we have time. Your SIL and FIL might have expected to reconcile at some point . This can no longer happen and is a lot to come to terms with, regardless of the reasons for NC. Have some compassion and dignity. Irrespective of how the rest of the family treat her, she has lost her father. There is no need to make a distressing situation even more unpleasant.

Wendybyrdesmissingconscience · 27/01/2022 11:27

I’d keep in mind you may not know the full circumstances of why she went no contact.

I’m no contact with my father (I use the term loosely). When he dies I’ll go to the funeral just to make sure the bastard is actually dead. Then I’ll be able to exhale. I won’t go in, I’ll just want to see the coffin.

For context I had a physically and emotionally abusive childhood which has scarred me. I’ll be glad when he’s no longer on this earth.

blyn72 · 27/01/2022 11:30

@FinestChicken

It was her father. I expect she had reasons for going NC which felt valid to her regardless of what other people thought. Of course she can go. Anyone can go to a funeral.
I agree, there must have been a reason why sister-in-law went no contact for two years, does anyone know what? Also we have had the covid epidemic, lockdowns, restrictions etc, for long periods during that time which would have added to the problem.

It is sad when there is conflict within a family but going to the funeral may be cathartic for her and is an opportunity for other family members to put the past behind them (unless they don't want to).

It's nobody else's business, frankly.