To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

[Playingdevilsadvocate]

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

I’m LC with a cousin and aunt after they severely bullied me and have turned other members of the family against me. I had some unexpected good fortune which triggered it all. I won’t go to either of their funerals, and if I die first I don’t want them at mine. I’ve lost all respect for them and it will never come back.

YANBU

I think for people who have had a bad relationship with a relative, their death can actually be a huge blow. You'd think they'd be happy the bastard's dead or something, but often the death of a relative you don't like (or even actively hate) brings up all sorts of difficult memories. There's also the fact that while you are NC in life, their death means there is definitely no possible way that the situation can ever be resolved. The hope of one day maybe it could be improved has gone. That can be just as devastating as the loss of a much-loved relative, just in a different way.

This is a blanket statement you cannot make. Each NC situation is different. My DDs went NC with their father because he was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. When he died, 8 months after being removed from the family home by police, it was incredibly tough. Should they not have attended his funeral? How much additional damage would that have done?

Each situation has to be assessed on its individual merits.

In the broadest terms I agree with you. If you take the extreme step of going no contact with a parent then don't go to their funeral. It is hypocritical and makes things awkward for the genuine mourners.

I'm NC with DM. Will I go to her funeral? On balance, no. She made her choices in life which caused the NC so why am I going to go and pretend to care about someone who hasn't cared about me, DW or even my DC.

I'm not going to show up to pretend and go through the motions.

@FudgeOff, @TrickyD - you'll probably find Victoria Coren Mitchell's article interesting ...
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/dec/21/celebrity-victoria-coren

My auntie had been NC with her dad for around 25yrs. She did go to his funeral as she wanted to have closure. It also allowed a few of us to catch up who hadnt seen each other for a long time and it ended up being a good day for all. We laughed and she did share stories about her dad too.

Your SIL may be NC but she can go to the funeral and its not your place to judge

Her father, her choice.

Why are you assuming your sil has been ‘awful to them and cut them out’ in life? You don’t know what awful things her father did that caused her to have to take the serious decision of nc. You clearly know nothing but are taking sides- I would suggest that perhaps she has a very good reason and at the end of the day, her dad has died. Perhaps best not to overthink it and form (possibly) incorrect or negative opinions that will form the relationship you have with your sil. Leave well alone!

I am NC with my family of origin. I never want to see any of them again. I won't be attending any funerals. Couldn't be doing with the inevitable drama.

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I’ve not managed to read all comments just yet but the first page is interesting. It’s not my business to say anything of course! I just wanted to see how the opinions fell. Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out. Just my opinion which of course my SIL will never have to hear.

NC is usually to protect yourself from a toxic individual.

Why are you assuming the parent didn't deserve it?

No matter how or why she went NC she is still part of his grieving family.

I have no idea how my DFs other family will see DSis and I at his funeral, but we will make up our own minds as to wther we attend or not. They can deal with their emotions just as we have had to for all of our lives. That is what adults do!

None your business, this is her father regardless she allowed to say goodbye.

And I agree with previous posters who say that no-one goes NC with their family for no reason. There's always a reason.

I’ve come back to this thread as I’ve been mulling this over for the morning. I’m
NC with my ‘D’F. Have been since I was 14, and I’m now 28. He’s only 58 so I don’t expect he’ll die soon altho his blood pressure must be sky high from the simmering rage he carries around with him all day every day.
Would I go to his funeral? Probably not, I’m not sentimental about funerals and I feel I’ve probably reconciled the feelings I have towards him, but I sure as hell would not accept anyone telling me I had no place being there because we were NC. To a lot of people, I expect I’m the bad guy, he’s ever so charming when you meet him and he talks a very good talk about being estranged by his cruel ex wife and heartless children. All lies of course, had he not been quite so handy with his fists, and sometimes his feet (nothing like kicking a child in the face when they annoy you!) I expect we’d be on better terms.
My point is really that you never know the full story. Try not to judge.

Firstly this is not your business so stay out of it as much as possible.

Secondly (I work in the funeral industry) while a funeral is a public event which people can attend if they wish (sort of - over the past couple of years, obviously, there have been more restrictions on attendance, a friend's widower had the horrible task of having to tell several other friends that they couldn't come because there were too many people wanting to attend; more than the crematorium was allowed to admit) - mourners can ask that a particular person be denied entry, and it's certainly the case that we can refuse to tell specified people when and where a funeral is taking place if the NOK have asked is to do so.

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I’ve not managed to read all comments just yet but the first page is interesting. It’s not my business to say anything of course! I just wanted to see how the opinions fell. Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out. Just my opinion which of course my SIL will never have to hear.

You say that but you don't know how you would actually feel because you haven't experienced it.

Sometimes it's better to listen than judge. Try to be supportive of your sil who is obviously going through a difficult time.

And don't be so sure that she has "been awful" to her parents, you cannot know what has gone on between them. Just be glad you haven't suffered estrangement or bereavement of your parents.

I am no-contact with my siblings - I will not go to my mother's funeral - my Dad's dead (and that funeral was bad enough). I think your SIL should feel able to attend her father's funeral regardless of what's happened.

I think it's none of your business

@Playingdevilsadvocate
It’s none of your business.

There’s a lot of pain on this thread. I hope it gives you pause for thought OP.

She should do whatever she needs to not your concern. He was her dad.

I havent RTFT, however I've been NC with my mum for 10 years. I Will, however, go to her funeral when the time comes. This is mainly to support my siblings, who acknowledge why I went NC, understand it, and have feelings of anger and frustration towards her for the same reasons I went NC. They just don't want to go NC or can't due to being quite dependent on her. I would want to support them in a time that will be really difficult for them.

I also think I will want to go to the funeral as it will allow me to grieve for the mother I never had, and maybe allow me to process my emotions towards her. I imagine it will be a difficult time for me also. And I really can't stand the woman.

If all she's done is go NC then YABU. If there's a lot more to the "how she treated him" thing then perhaps not.