To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

[Playingdevilsadvocate]

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

If you have never had to go NC with a family member then it’s very likely you can’t put yourself in the position of somebody who has. It’s one of those things you can’t imagine until you are in that position.
A person can still love someone they are NC with but for whatever reason it is not viable to maintain a relationship (usually to preserve mental health). They may still need to grieve for the loved one and the role they played in their life before going NC.

@Handsoffreturns

inspectorslack could I ask that you attend the funeral exactly as Jill Tyrell did in Nighty Night. Just to make sure your Dads wife definitely sees you. I have the top hat, black veil and can lend you the horse if needed.

I’ll be there with my brother and his siblings and I intend to look fucking good

Joking aside - this sort of thing is very common when a stepmother comes on the scene - especially quickly after death of the former wife.

The op has no idea what went on between her SIL and her dad. She doesn’t get to judge.

Plus she doesn’t even know what’s going to happen at the funeral yet

What on earth has it got to do with you?

I expect you'll be worrying about what's in the will next and saying she is not allowed anything..... all the more for you ??

@ChargingBuck

'Although you've reminded me of a relative, who regularly goes what she calls NC with her closest relatives when she's in a huff, only to Hoover them back when she needs more Supply ... something tells me you will be familiar with the capitalised terms wink

She cheerfully admits that she has a "totally good relationship with my family, I'm just friends with them when they behave & NC when they don't". (Hint - they aren't misbehavers ... )
Great way to ramp up the melodrama & keep everything All About Her, innit!

Anyway, slight derail, thanks for making me laugh.'

Ah do we share the same relative?

@TrickyD

As Fluenty says, legally funerals are a public event and anyone can attend.This may be affected by, for example, special Covid rules. These no longer apply, so the best anyone can do is ask an unwelcome guest not to come.

Surely this cannot always be true? Otherwise everyone and his dog could turn up at celebrity funerals?

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]@User1isnotavailable It's almost always exclusively the victim that goes NC. They go NC to protect themselves. Please stop victim-blaming. Your ignorance is frightening.[/quote]
It absolutely isn't. Sometimes it's the victim, sometimes it's the perpetrator. It's frankly dangerous to state "it's almost always the victim who goes NC". Dangerous and false.

I cannot believe you have the audacity to claim people are victim blaming when that is exactly what you are doing.

It's astounding that you are claiming others are ignorant. Hopefully posters will read on and not take your post as even vaguely factual.

Not right to ban anyone from a funeral service.
You could ask her to steer clear of the wake as that's more of a social thing where mourners mingle.

If it was me (and we are nc with much of dh's family) I'd go in quietly, sit at the back,pay my respects and leave.

Pity no-one told dh his dad had died until 4 months later of he might have done the same.

@HunterHearstHelmsley It is absolutely true that it's almost always (I said almost) the victim that goes NC, it is true! Because a person that goes NC doesn't do it out of spite, they do it to protect themselves from further harm. You should be as ashamed of your ignorance and dangerous and harmful posts as the others.

Fudgeoff, yes I always wonder how the legal entitlement works with celebrity funerals.

[quote User1isnotavailable]@HunterHearstHelmsley

I agree with you, sometimes the NC isn't the victim. Too many assumptions made that they always are the victim. There are a multitude of reasons why someone goes NC. If your case because the person didn't get the money they wanted - that's not a victim. Sometimes the NC person is a victim. Different scenarios.[/quote]
Judging by these comments, my older sister went NC with 12 year old me because I was controlling.

It's really sad that some people can't see that the person going NC is always in the right.

I know someone who regularly cuts people off, she's in an echo chamber of people telling her she is always right. I suspect the same of some PPs.

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]**@HunterHearstHelmsley* It is absolutely true that it's almost always (I said almost) the victim that goes NC, it is true! Because a person that goes NC doesn't do it out of spite, they do it to protect* themselves from further harm. You should be as ashamed of your ignorance and dangerous and harmful posts as the others. [/quote]
It absolutely isn't true. You are peddling absolute lies. Maybe in your experience but your experience isn't everybody's.

I'm not saying it's never the victim, or it almost never is. The opposite is coming from you. A lot of people use it as a weapon.

It's not black and white, as you appear to think it is.

SIL may want "closure" and there's no second chance with a funeral.

If she doesn't go, she may regret it in the future and it may have an impact on her mental health.

You seem convinced that SIL is 100% to blame for the estrangement but there's always 2 sides to everything.

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I’ve not managed to read all comments just yet but the first page is interesting. It’s not my business to say anything of course! I just wanted to see how the opinions fell. Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out. Just my opinion which of course my SIL will never have to hear.

Going NC doesn’t always mean you have been horrible to someone in life. It can be both sides at fault, or that the deceased’s behaviour was the reason behind the NC. Sometimes people who go NC put up with other family members spinning a very different narrative because it’s easier than the constant battle of setting the record straight. You’re keeping that info to yourself and just telling us the SIL was “horrible”.

I really hope you can contain your judgement at what is a very sensitive and sad time for all involved.

She’s one of his closest relatives, of course she will be grieving and should go to the funeral if she wants to. If there is animosity then she should stay away from the wake.

I think it’s odd that the OP hasn’t revealed why her SIL went NC with her father. It’s not a decision taken lightly and often there’s an abusive situation behind it.

If that’s the case, the OP’s negative language about the SIL ‘wailing’ and how her family ‘cannot stand a bar of her’ is quite awful. The OP obviously sides with the SIL’s family based on that early post and she obviously cannot stand her herself.

Grim. I think it’s a shitty thread.

It is hard when a parent dies and you had a complicated / poor / non existent relationship with them. She is entitled to grieve and process his death. Their relationship (or lack of it) is between them (your SIL and her dad), nobody else in the family. If she feels strong enough to come when she knows the rest of the family don’t understand her reasons and feel angry towards her, then she is brave and has every right to do that.

It’s her father. Others’ relationship with him doesn’t trump hers. She can come if she wants to.

I'd keep out-of it it's nothing to do with you, and you won't know all the ins and outs of why she went nc with her df.
I see you're assuming it's sil being awful to df, but there's 2 sides to every story.

Going no contact is never a jump up out of bed, this is what I’m going to do today decision.

It is a final resort surrounded by years worth of pain and trauma, regardless of the instigator. The only individuals who will really understand are the directly affected ones, in this instance SIL and her father.

The situation with no contact often appears very black and white to outsiders - he was abusive, she was spoilt, he acted like a dick when xyz. It’s rarely so cut and dry. As the adage goes - there’s three sides to all stories - this side, that side and the truth.

SIL has felt so pained that it’s a necessity to cut contact with half of her DNA. That’s a very traumatic decision to make with lifelong impacts. Her father died without her saying goodbye. Whilst, yes, that was the intent whilst being no contact it’s still a terrible burden she will have to live with and you can guarantee not the outcome she ever wanted or envisioned for her life.

She may want to go to the funeral to solidify the fact he is dead, she may want to go for closure and to say a silent fuck you, she may want to go to apologise that they never had an opportunity to reconcile, she may want to grieve for the man he used to be. You don’t know. What you do know is that it is none of your business or concern whether she decides to attend.

@User1isnotavailable

If you cannot be bothered to stay in touch with the person in real life then why would you want to go to a funeral. To show others you actually do care? No idea really but why would you. A last finger up to the NC person and their loved ones that bothered with them? It seems quite petty to go when the most important thing is actions in real life.

Similar to some posting on social media about how wonderful someone is but barely bothering in real life. Odd.

Gordon Bennett.

NC is nothing like posting on SM.
It has nothing to do with not being bothered. Quite the reverse, usually. People don't go NC out of laziness, @User1isnotavailable.

And the feelings of a bereaved NC relative are going to be anything but petty. Their choice of whether to attend a funeral is theirs to make, not yours to express gleeful contempt for.

@itispersonal

I disagree with a lot of the posters.

Why does the ds deserve to get closure? If you can't be there for someone in life, you don't get to go to the funeral, it's hypocrisy.

Has it occurred to you that the father might not have been there for his daughter?

I have great distaste for the idea that only the dutiful and engaged have a right to be at a funeral. A person’s life takes many along for the ride. We have no idea what others’ experiences of an individual meant, could have meant, or means to either party. It’s crass to pronounce what is right and wrong in these circumstances.

“Be curious, not judgmental”
Walt Whitman (probably misattributed)
via Ted Lasso

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads

Anyone can go to a funeral, they often provide closure on bad feeling and difficult circumstances and “let bygones be bygones”. They are as much for the living as the dead.

Exactly. If she attends greet her politely and move on. If she doesn't that's fine. You will be busy with stuff and will need to speak to lots of different people so you will probably barely notice that she is even there.