Threads

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral
496

Playingdevilsadvocate · 27/01/2022 06:35

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

user68396930 · 27/01/2022 06:37

I think that regardless of the situation in the last few years, that is her dad and she is entitled to be at the funeral, and it's no one else's business

Please
or
to access all these features

FinestChicken · 27/01/2022 06:38

It was her father. I expect she had reasons for going NC which felt valid to her regardless of what other people thought. Of course she can go. Anyone can go to a funeral.

Please
or
to access all these features

Billybagpuss · 27/01/2022 06:40

I think everyone processes grief differently and whatever happens it will be difficult. She may need to go quietly for her own peace of mind which will annoy other people.

It’s a raw time, try and handle it without drama or you will not get the peace you need either.

My dgf was nc with his db for 40 years when the db manoeuvred him out of his inheritance. The db turned up at the house after the funeral for a few minutes, didn’t come in, but my gran did appreciate it.

Please
or
to access all these features

Peas252 · 27/01/2022 06:40

I was nc with my dad. I went to the funeral just to make sure the fucker was cremated.

Please
or
to access all these features

Stonerosie67 · 27/01/2022 06:41

Well I don't think she should be there. If she wanted nothing to do with him when he was alive, then she shouldn't be at the funeral.

Please
or
to access all these features

LaBellina · 27/01/2022 06:41

No child should be stopped from attending their parents funeral. I would be very upset if someone tried to stop me from attending the funeral of one of my parent. A parent - child bond is the closest relationship there is and nobody has the right to get in between that.
I couldn’t even think of a situation where I would feel entitled enough to do so esspecially if I wasn’t a blood relative.

Please
or
to access all these features

PermanentTemporary · 27/01/2022 06:41

I would ignore this argument and not get involved. If people need to let off steam the response 'mmmm' is good. Try to reduce conflict where you get the chance.

Please
or
to access all these features

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 27/01/2022 06:42

Anyone can go to a funeral, they often provide closure on bad feeling and difficult circumstances and “let bygones be bygones”. They are as much for the living as the dead.

Please
or
to access all these features

coldfeetmama · 27/01/2022 06:43

Perhaps you should consider why she went NC
Perhaps she has no intention of weeping and wailing at his graveside
Perhaps she wants to put an end to her personal turmoil and close this by silently saying her peice and then leaving without a fuss

Please
or
to access all these features

Jennifer2r · 27/01/2022 06:44

You are not the gatekeeper for your father in laws funeral.

Please
or
to access all these features

LethargicActress · 27/01/2022 06:46

It’s her Dad, and funerals are for the living so if she wants to go, she should go.

She probably had a reason for feeling the way she did, people don’t tend to cut their parents out just for fun.

Please
or
to access all these features

CovidCorvid · 27/01/2022 06:47

I do think people shouldn’t attend funerals where they’re not welcome, ie it would upset the main mourners. However you can’t prevent them. My mum was NC and divorced from my dad and insisted on coming to his funeral. Which upset me and my step mother. She dressed up full black, big hat, veil, sniffing away. Total hypocrisy.

I then went NC with her and did not go to her funeral. I nearly did, it wouldn’t have upset anyone as she had no relatives who went. Her neighbour invited me to the funeral but I decided against it at the time.

Your SIL might really feel she needs to go but I sympathise with the rest of the family as well. I agree you should keep out of it.

Please
or
to access all these features

SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder · 27/01/2022 06:48

YABU. I highly doubt that anyone would make the difficult choice to go no contact with a parent unless they had good reason for it and there was no way for them to repair their relationship. The funeral of your SILs dad will likely give her a lot of closure and the ability to grieve the relationship that she wasn't able to have with him. She has as much of a right to be there as any of his other family members

Please
or
to access all these features

ViceLikeBlip · 27/01/2022 06:50

Most people end up going NC to protect themselves, not just because they're in some massive huff or something.

There is obviously a traumatic backstory to this. Of course she's allowed to attend her own father's funeral. And she's allowed to behave however she wants, and if that irritates some people then they should just bitch about it behind her back after she's gone. That's the British way.

Please
or
to access all these features

sanityisamyth · 27/01/2022 06:50

@Peas252

I was nc with my dad. I went to the funeral just to make sure the fucker was cremated.


I will do the same with my sister when she goes!
Please
or
to access all these features

LaBellina · 27/01/2022 06:51

She probably had a reason for feeling the way she did, people don’t tend to cut their parents out just for fun.

^^ this. I am NC with my parents, if they died, I’m not sure if I would attend their funeral but I think that should ultimately be my decision regardless of how our relationship was during life and esspecially because you probably never heard her side of the story. So far all stories I have heard about children going NC with parents always came after years of abuse and arguments and the decision to go NC wasn’t made lightly. Ofcourse parents aren’t going to admit they were abusers and will talk about ungrateful children that cut them off out of the blue.

Please
or
to access all these features

Persephonegoddess · 27/01/2022 06:51

If my NC sister turns up at my mums funeral I will ignore her and exclude her, she has no right..... if you can't be there for someone when they are alive don't come out the woodwork when they die!

Please
or
to access all these features

RantyAunty · 27/01/2022 06:52

Not your problem.

Please
or
to access all these features

T00Ts · 27/01/2022 06:53

Clear to see your feelings on the matter, OP. Why so much scorn towards your SIL? Why did she go NC?

Please
or
to access all these features

crochetmylifeaway · 27/01/2022 06:55

My brother has gone NC with the rest of the family. My father told him he doesn't want him to be at his funeral. My brother doesn't care and says no one will stop him coming so when my dad booked his funeral he made it clear to the funeral director my brother is not allowed to be there and they will handle it. It's more common than you think.

If she didn't want to know him in life she doesn't get to say goodbye now.

Please
or
to access all these features

sillysmiles · 27/01/2022 06:59

In a situation where it's a small funeral and people are invited as such- no she shouldn't go. Especially if she's going to make it about her.
If she wants closure, she can go to the grave when everyone else has left.
She's not mourning him.
However i do think grief and anger are closely linked and by turning up she is making herself a lightening rod for the rest of the family's anger. As a SIL I'd say nothing and just make sure i was supporting my DH.

Please
or
to access all these features

AlternativePerspective · 27/01/2022 06:59

I agree.

When you make the choice to go NC the person is essentially dead to you.And no, I don’t believe that just because it’s a child who goes NC with a parent the parent must have been the one to blame. There are always vile adults out there, they can be someone’s child as much as someone’s parent.

Please
or
to access all these features

Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 07:00

I’m N/C with my dad and his money grabbing, nasty, vicious cunt of a wife

I will be at his funeral. Because I was a part of his life for 55 years and my mum for 77 before he married that woman and that part of his life deserves to be remembered.

I also need to make sure that she doesn’t forget that I exist and that she needn’t be getting too comfortable in my house and will need to be making plans to get out. (It is my house. He has a life interest only)

Please
or
to access all these features

Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 07:01

And a funeral is a public event and you can’t be excluded.

I’d like to see the funeral director try and exclude me.

Please
or
to access all these features

RobotValkyrie · 27/01/2022 07:02

Sounds like the perfect opportunity for them to finally make peace.
Why are YOU trying to interfere?

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.