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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

496 replies

Playingdevilsadvocate · 27/01/2022 06:35

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 27/01/2022 07:23

Not unreasonable to come to the funeral but she should probably swerve the after function

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 27/01/2022 07:24

I don't think you can tell anyone they can't go to a funeral the same as you can't tell anyone they should go either.
It's entirely down to them to decide, it's going to be a difficult day for everyone your SIL included.

Ohmybod · 27/01/2022 07:25

There’s obviously a big backstory here, but regardless, no one has any right to tell her not to go to the funeral. And she should go iMO. It’s an important part of the grieving process.

Maybe she had a bloody good reason for going NC but maybe it’s no one else’s business but hers and her fathers. The widow doesn’t own all the grief and has to acknowledge the whole life he lived and all the people who were part of that.

Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 07:25

@forlornlorna that’s a good point. She might not tell us.

But the solicitor will because the house is owned by me (my brother owns another property that belonged to my parents) and my dad only has a life interest.

And she better be out within 24 hours.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 27/01/2022 07:32

I’m nc with my dad, honestly I wouldn’t want to go to his funeral. I’ll only go if my dm wants me there maybe I’ll feel differently then who knows .
Don’t be that person op , people are entitled to grieve and don’t fall out over a sibling without knowing the full nc details they have their reasons .

Chocolateis1ofyour5aday · 27/01/2022 07:34

If she does go she might well just sit at the back as she needs closure as she may have regrets she needs to come to terms with. As long as she's not going to pretend to be the chief mourner!
Older members of my family fall out regularly and have form for "banning" other family members from funerals which creates another whole level of shitshow. One NC family member actually entered MILs house whilst we were at the funeral and took a few items!

Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 07:35

I most certainly will not be sitting at the back.

Seemssounfair · 27/01/2022 07:40

Dh and bil hadn't seen their dad for 3 years when he died after their relationships became untenable.

You need to either try to understand your SIL has lost a parent and will be grieving along with a lot of other complicated emotions, or fuck off with playing "devils advocate" and mind your own business.

Funerals like these need someone who is going to difuse any conflict not stir them up. If you are involved with any of these people try to be the person who helps everyone get through it the best they can.

ShinyMe · 27/01/2022 07:41

@LubaLuca

The man has just died, there are no funeral arrangements made yet, and you have absolutely no idea if your SIL would want to go to his funeral anyway (let alone wail at it) Confused

Don't get worked up about a 'what if'.

This. Is there any reason for you to think she actually wants to go to the funeral?
MizzFizz · 27/01/2022 07:41

MYOB, if you're writing this I presume you have absolutely no idea what it's like to have a complicated and difficult relationship with your parent. Let the woman grieve.

Bobbins36 · 27/01/2022 07:42

Literally none of your business. Back right off.

ApathyMartha · 27/01/2022 07:43

The funeral yes, the wake no.

Clymene · 27/01/2022 07:44

It's absolutely none of your business

Nillynally · 27/01/2022 07:44

It's actually nothing to do with you. You don't even know if she's going- you're hypothesising. Mind your own.

londonrach · 27/01/2022 07:44

Yabu. He still her father and you no idea why she NC. Of course she goes to her father's funeral if she wants too.

SockFluffInTheBath · 27/01/2022 07:48

It’s honestly none of your business. Being NC is complicated and if she feels the need to quietly slip in at the back then that’s up to her.

galacticpixels · 27/01/2022 07:49

I was NC with my father before he died for lots of painful reasons that some family members refused to listen to.

I went to his funeral. Because life isn't black and white, and he was still my father, and emotions are confusing and messy.

SniffMyFeet · 27/01/2022 07:50

You will never know the whole story , it’s a very hard decision to make
Let her be and allow her to find some peace

ImInStealthMode · 27/01/2022 07:51

It would depend entirely on the individual circumstances.

Some people are NC because they clash and it's easier, some because of serious abuse issues, some because of a specific catastrophic event, some due to addiction, and so on.

I think someone who is NC to protect them-self from further emotional or physical harm may want to go to a funeral to mourn the loving relative they should have had. Those who are NC through hatred or clashing personalities or a betrayal may feel differently.

I'm NC with my Dad. He walked out, I never knew him, came crawling back when I was an adult but I'm not interested. The only reason I'd go to his funeral would be if my half-brother wanted me there to support him.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 27/01/2022 07:53

It’s her dad. It’s her decision. It’s her choice how she grieves their relationship.

It’s none of your business.

AlDanvers · 27/01/2022 07:55

Yabu. Because its non of your business.

And no, I don't believe if you are no contact you should stay away from the funeral. My mum died 8 weeks ago. She wasn't talking 2 of her sisters. Dad, me and dbro made it clear they were welcome.

My life has been blown apart. It makes you realise the little things dont matter. My mum was still their sister. One sister is full of guilt and regret. One sister still thinks she was right but wanted to say goodbye to her sister. None of us would deny them that chance.

I was there for my mums funeral, who was there and who wasn't really didn't come into it. I didn't care.

My sil didn't speak to her dad and eas devastated when he died. Even though he was a shit. He was still her dad. Regardless of the past, he was still her parent and she wanted to say goodbye.

Hmmmm2018 · 27/01/2022 08:01

As always we don't really have enough information, but as someone who has intermittently been NC with my parent if they had died whilst I was NC I would want to go to the funeral to help the grieving process, I may not like my parent but at the end of the day they are my parent and it would be a complicated time for me to process complicated emotions. I'm sure if it had happened my stepmother would have told everyone I was evil and horrid for going but I would have known the truth. Luckily that hasn't happened yet and fingers crossed it doesn't happen for awhile.

EdithStourton · 27/01/2022 08:02

@Peas252

I was nc with my dad. I went to the funeral just to make sure the fucker was cremated.
I had very little contact with mine for the last few years of his life, but went to the funeral to make sure the bugger was actually dead. He'd pulled a few stunts in his time so... Also I felt sorry for the woman he'd been living with and she needed the support.

Interesting, one of his DC who was NC turned up to confirm his demise as well.

2DogsOnMySofa · 27/01/2022 08:04

It's none of your business to start with

No one really knows why she's gone nc. Maybe the funeral will give her closure of something that's been distressing her enough to go nc with her df.

VitalsStable · 27/01/2022 08:04

Absolutely none of your business. I'm going to make sure my pathetic excuse for a father is definitely reduced to ashes and if stepmonster goes first I'm going to try to find a moment to dance on her coffin.