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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

496 replies

Playingdevilsadvocate · 27/01/2022 06:35

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

OP posts:
Warblerinwinter · 27/01/2022 08:46

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Why would she want to go to the funeral if she was NC with him?
Maybe think about it. 🤦‍♀️🙄
saraclara · 27/01/2022 08:46

@Inspectorslack

So even in death, his abuser gets to carry on.

Well. Fuck.

How do you know she's abused him?
Warblerinwinter · 27/01/2022 08:46

@CaptainMyCaptain

Sometimes when a parent dies you grieve the relationship you should have had. She has her own reasons for wanting to be there and, I believe, the funeral service itself is an event open to anyone.
Absolutely this.
ImaginaryCat · 27/01/2022 08:47

I was NC with my dad for the last 4 years of his life. I'd left the door open for him, if he wanted a relationship with me and his grandchildren I wanted him to acknowledge some appalling behaviour. He never did.
Not only did I go to the funeral, I organised and paid for the bloody thing (being an only child).
I did object to my mother being there, because she made it all about herself (which I predicted and his friends were horrified by her behaviour). They'd spoken once in 16 years, and that meeting was a part of my NC.
These situations are complicated and unless you know absolutely everything about their relationship, probably best to just let it go.

GreenClock · 27/01/2022 08:47

Keep out of it OP. I’m certainly not saying that it’s “none of your business” - he’s your FiL and presumably your grieving husband has been discussing it with you - what I am saying, is that if you get involved, the others could end up taking out their frustrations on you. Protect yourself, be neutral, support your husband.

Original poster
Playingdevilsadvocate · 27/01/2022 08:49

I’ve not managed to read all comments just yet but the first page is interesting. It’s not my business to say anything of course! I just wanted to see how the opinions fell. Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out. Just my opinion which of course my SIL will never have to hear.

OP posts:
Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 08:49

She’s emotionally abusive. I’ve seen it.

She has carefully cut him off from every single one of his friends. He sees no one now but her family. @saraclara. I’ve already explained this in a previous post. His brother (who he was very close to) and his sister and her husband. His cousin. Long standing friends he’s had since school.

Mellowyellow222 · 27/01/2022 08:49

This is none of your business.

Latteandcappuccino · 27/01/2022 08:51

Yabu. It's her dad, not yours. You don't have the rights to decide who is in or out of the funeral.

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/01/2022 08:51

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I’ve not managed to read all comments just yet but the first page is interesting. It’s not my business to say anything of course! I just wanted to see how the opinions fell. Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out. Just my opinion which of course my SIL will never have to hear.
@Playingdevilsadvocate You are victim-blaming. HE was clearly awful to her, or else she wouldn't have cut him out. You are attacking the wrong person. He did wrong, not her.
draramallama · 27/01/2022 08:52

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I’ve not managed to read all comments just yet but the first page is interesting. It’s not my business to say anything of course! I just wanted to see how the opinions fell. Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out. Just my opinion which of course my SIL will never have to hear.
You're not NC with a parent so you don't know how you'd feel or behave, because you've never been in that position.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Lilifer · 27/01/2022 08:52

@SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder

YABU. I highly doubt that anyone would make the difficult choice to go no contact with a parent unless they had good reason for it and there was no way for them to repair their relationship. The funeral of your SILs dad will likely give her a lot of closure and the ability to grieve the relationship that she wasn't able to have with him. She has as much of a right to be there as any of his other family members
Precisely this ⬆️

I am NC with my df and I shall attend his funeral when the time comes to grieve the relationship that we were not able to have for extremely good reasons.

Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 08:53

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I’ve not managed to read all comments just yet but the first page is interesting. It’s not my business to say anything of course! I just wanted to see how the opinions fell. Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out. Just my opinion which of course my SIL will never have to hear.
Are you NC with a parent? Unless you are you have no idea how it feels and how complicated it is.
WhatDidISayAlan · 27/01/2022 08:54

I was NC with my dad for the last ten years of his life. He was argumentative and I wasn’t going to be party to his constant stonewalling whenever he disagreed with one of my life choices (or mistakes). I went to his funeral - I didn’t always like him, but I always loved him.

LittleDiaries · 27/01/2022 08:55

@Peas252

I was nc with my dad. I went to the funeral just to make sure the fucker was cremated.
Some might see that as a harsh response, but I completely understand. My late dad made my life very unhappy for long stretches. He was a manipulative alcoholic, and a compulsive liar who managed to twist the truth and turn my whole family against me. I have no-one left who will speak to me, even years after he died. They all took his side. And so did his friends. But the telling thing was that hardly anyone came to his funeral. Two relatives and a few of his friends. No need for a wake after - everyone couldn't leave fast enough.
edwinbear · 27/01/2022 08:57

I was NC with my DF when he died after he walked out on my mum, 6 months before he died, for OW. They were still married when he died. It was an incredibly difficult situation for DM, my sister and I. We all went to his funeral, in fact we were chief mourners and organised and paid for it. OW discretely sat at the back. These situations are rarely black and white.

saraclara · 27/01/2022 08:57

@Inspectorslack

She’s emotionally abusive. I’ve seen it.

She has carefully cut him off from every single one of his friends. He sees no one now but her family. @saraclara. I’ve already explained this in a previous post. His brother (who he was very close to) and his sister and her husband. His cousin. Long standing friends he’s had since school.

Sorry. I thought your post that I quoted was regarding the SIL in the OP.
Lilifer · 27/01/2022 08:57

@hullaballoo19

I'm nc with my dad and would still want to go to his funeral. I'm nc because my dad is quite a toxic person and he started to exhibit his toxic behaviours around and to my dd and I didn't want her to be affected the way I have been. I don't want to be nc, I want him to control his shitty behaviours around us and he's unwilling to. Doesn't mean I won't grieve for him and I will (and already do) grieve for the lack of relationship between us.
Me too @hullaballoo19 It's so very hard isn't it.😢
TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 27/01/2022 08:59

Seems like she wants to be one of those hypercritics who CBA to bother with someone when they are alive, but wants everyone to see them at the funeral yes, my sibling is one of these

All for show. She should keep away if her principles meant she went NC. We dont know the whole story and never will, but I have more respect for someone who keeps their stance rather than is all "snots and tears" at the funeral

W00B00 · 27/01/2022 09:00

Going NC is not for fun - in my case it was to prevent continuous abusive comments and behaviour. I still loved my mum but she was so awful towards me I would have panic attacks. In the end she tried to accuse my DH of sexuality abusing my DC on the basis of nothing other than spite, so I had no choice.

Your SIL might have been forced into it like I was. She probably needs closure, she probably loved her dad but had no option to go no contact to save her own mental health or well being.

You very likely only heard one side of the story. I am sure my mum told everyone I went no contact for no reason and I was ungrateful, nasty etc.

Lilifer · 27/01/2022 09:01

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I’ve not managed to read all comments just yet but the first page is interesting. It’s not my business to say anything of course! I just wanted to see how the opinions fell. Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out. Just my opinion which of course my SIL will never have to hear.

Spoken like someone who has never experience the pain of a toxic parent 😐

NameChange2PostThis · 27/01/2022 09:02

Just looking at your user name @Playingdevilsadvocate Is this a reverse? Hmm

Assuming it’s not, you need to butt out. You are zero right to stop a daughter from attending her father’s funeral. I advise you to keep your opinions to yourself. No one cuts off a parent for no reason. No one.

And if you choose to get involved, she may tell you why she went NC. And you will wish you’d never asked. Don’t get involved unless you are looking to destabilise your family at an already difficult time.

You might think you want to know her reasons. Be careful what you wish for; the fallout from these types of revelations can damage everyone.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 27/01/2022 09:02

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I’ve not managed to read all comments just yet but the first page is interesting. It’s not my business to say anything of course! I just wanted to see how the opinions fell. Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out. Just my opinion which of course my SIL will never have to hear.
Going NC with a parent isn't as black and white as you being awful to them - that's woefully naive. You should RTFT, there's lots of reasons why it happens.
Lilifer · 27/01/2022 09:04

@TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes

Seems like she wants to be one of those hypercritics who CBA to bother with someone when they are alive, but wants everyone to see them at the funeral yes, my sibling is one of these

All for show. She should keep away if her principles meant she went NC. We dont know the whole story and never will, but I have more respect for someone who keeps their stance rather than is all "snots and tears" at the funeral

I can see maybe why your sibling is NC with your parents if they sound anything like you.
Parky04 · 27/01/2022 09:05

I had no contact with my father for over 35 years. He died last year and I went to his funeral. No tears, but I was sad that we didn't have a relationship, but I beared him no ill will. His family were actually pleased to see me.

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