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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH work from home announcement

477 replies

fizzypop100 · 26/01/2022 14:56

I have told DH my feelings on him WFH. He's been at home last 2 years and I can't stand it any more. Said there needs to be some compromise, just one or two days a week in the office.
He's just been speaking to his team leader and asked to WFH for the foreseeable future. I have just told him he's being selfish. His answer was "my mental health". I told him it's affecting MY mental health.
This house is totally dominated by his work. He will not move his computer and desk out of the living room. School holidays are miserable as our teenage son can't do anything as dad is working in the living room.
I'm being an adult right now but can feel anger and tears building up.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 26/01/2022 16:18

@MananaTomorrow

Start to load it in the car and say its going to the tip and that you and your son will be spending time in there to ensure you are out of his way.

Why should the OP and dc be restricted to one small room out if the way and the DH has the use of the whole downstairs that he doesn’t need - because he only needs a desk??
Doing that would still be playing to his tune with no respect for the fcat the house is the OP’s and dc’s too.

I don't believe for one second that the husband would go along with it. I think the OP making a point about chucking his crap out might actually force him to have a shit fit and sort it out himself. I'd expect him to move pretty fast the second she attempted it. My point being its a gesture that would force him to actually give a shit.

If he didn't move as fast a lightning as she loaded the car, quite frankly, she should be chucking the rest of his stuff and him out too!

I don't seriously expect her or her son to use the spare room at all.

mug2018 · 26/01/2022 16:18

Clear all his stuff out of the spare room into the living room where he's working and turn the spare room into a little living room for you and your son - granted it's not a perfect solution but it'll make you some space and he'll soon sort it when he's surrounded by his clutter and can't effectively concentrate

AcrossthePond55 · 26/01/2022 16:19

I agree with getting an extender-thingy. Our DS2 got a wifi extender to improve his connectivity upstairs. Works a treat. Is there a reason he's insisting on a wired connection?

Frankly, I'd carry on as usual since he does have an option to use another room. If he doesn't like the disruption, he can move. I wouldn't go about making extra noise or tap-dancing behind him on a zoom call, but I certainly wouldn't tiptoe around either. And I'd start clearing out that spare room of all his junk. Or at least a large corner of it for his set-up. OP are you afraid to challenge him in these ways? What do you think his reaction would be?

WFH is here to stay and everyone is going to have to just live with it according to the available spaces in their homes. But one person's right to WFH doesn't trump another person's right to peaceful enjoyment of that same home.

On a different subject; once again, another good reason to have one's own income and not financially dependent on one's partner if at all possible. It's very hard to insist on things when one has no leverage.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/01/2022 16:20

I've just forced mine back to the office two days a week. If I hadn't I'd have had a massive mental health relapse. I'd have been OK in a nice big house like his directors have. In my little terraced house, bloody awful.

Take back your living room. Your home is not an office, if he needs quiet that were he needs to go.

Lsquiggles · 26/01/2022 16:20

You asked him to consider one or two days in the office and his reaction was to request wfh forever to spite you? Wtf Shock

PupInAPram · 26/01/2022 16:21

@hulahooper2 what are you on about!

Soubriquet · 26/01/2022 16:21

@hulahooper2

You are being incredibly selfish , it’s his home too . Doesn’t sound like you work if you spend your time at home , is he the main earner. If he’s happier wfh then let him and make adjustments to suit all
I think that’s the dh….

Why should op have to make allowances for a man who has another room to work in.

Would you be happy sat there in silence for hours on end, so not to disturb him?

Now add a 14 year old SEN child and trying to keep him silent too

FreedomFaith · 26/01/2022 16:21

Chances are too he doesn't need a wired connection. I work in IT and manage to use WiFi in the room furthest from the router in the house. Unless you live in a mansion, chances are WiFi will be fine.

RedToothBrush · 26/01/2022 16:22

OK easily fixed

1. Rent a skip
2. Throw his shite in said skip
3. Move his work shit to spare room
4. Tell him if he won't work there, his days are going to become very irritating

Sorted. Don't take no for an answer.

and

Stop being quiet in communal spaces. Just stop.

These. Stop enabling him to do this. Don't do as he tells you. Give him the alternative and then say, like it or lump it because enough is enough.

You really need to stand up to him and refuse to be a doormat and second class citizen in your own home.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/01/2022 16:23

Fuck that.
Tell him he has two options…
Back to work or move his office to the spare room.

You will no longer have your life taken over and pushed down to the not important status and your mental health is as important as his. If he won’t move then just go about your daily business and be as noisy as you like. If he complains then point him back to his options.

RedToothBrush · 26/01/2022 16:24

@AcrossthePond55

I agree with getting an extender-thingy. Our DS2 got a wifi extender to improve his connectivity upstairs. Works a treat. Is there a reason he's insisting on a wired connection?

Frankly, I'd carry on as usual since he does have an option to use another room. If he doesn't like the disruption, he can move. I wouldn't go about making extra noise or tap-dancing behind him on a zoom call, but I certainly wouldn't tiptoe around either. And I'd start clearing out that spare room of all his junk. Or at least a large corner of it for his set-up. OP are you afraid to challenge him in these ways? What do you think his reaction would be?

WFH is here to stay and everyone is going to have to just live with it according to the available spaces in their homes. But one person's right to WFH doesn't trump another person's right to peaceful enjoyment of that same home.

On a different subject; once again, another good reason to have one's own income and not financially dependent on one's partner if at all possible. It's very hard to insist on things when one has no leverage.

But he DOES have an option to use another room. He just is refusing to do so and is making up shit excuses not to.
Tigerstigers · 26/01/2022 16:24

Op I totally get it. Also had dh working from home throughout (actually in the spare room) and I've had enough now. It's not even about the fact your DH is in the living space (although that takes the piss even more) it's about never having the house to yourself, never getting that time to do whatever the hell you want at home, and effectively having another person stuck in the same for walls as you 24/7. I feel awkward having friends over for coffee with him there, and it's started to feel like it's not a home anymore. I actively avoid going home during the days I'm not at work. It feels claustrophobic, and isolating. I've really started to resent him being home all the time, just coming home to an empty house and being able to kick my shoes off and relax for five mins... Rather than constantly feeling guilty if I take 2 mins out, because I'm so aware that he's working, I feel like I need to constantly be doing the same. It's exhausting and has really negatively impacted my mental health, and our relationship. He has gone back to the office this week (part time) and my god, I already feel like a weight has been lifted. Asking him to go to the office once or twice a week is completely reasonable, it's your house too, and actually will probably improve his mental health as well as yours. The fact he knows this is causing you stress, and has actively sought out to extend it permanently is very selfish.

Blossom64265 · 26/01/2022 16:24

He can run a wire to the spare room. He can even find a way to hide the wire. Your available options depend on if you are renting or own, the exact layout, what type of walls you have, and how much money you are willing to spend.

We had our house networked when it was built. Totally cheap to do if it’s done when it’s just a frame.

We had an old house where the landlord simply drilled a hole in the ceiling/floor and ran the wire into the next room. It was surprisingly discrete, but you could add some of those cable channels to make it look a bit nicer. We have those to protect some wires in our DD’s room because she has a cat that likes to chew on electrical wires.

NewPapaGuinea · 26/01/2022 16:24

Dick

Roselilly36 · 26/01/2022 16:28

@fizzypop100

The spare room is packed full of his clutter
How about he sorts the spare room this weekend and works in there from Monday, in the meantime don’t tiptoe around, the lounge is a family space, I can complete understand why you are fed up OP, good luck
2DogsOnMySofa · 26/01/2022 16:30

How big is the spare room? Can you move all his clutter from the spare room into the lounge and then move the sofa, tv et into the spare room so you and your son has someone to go if he won't move out of the lounge.

Or can you and your son move in with your mum?

LuckyAmy1986 · 26/01/2022 16:30

Is the spare room big enough to make into a living room? Would he be willing to clear it out?

2DogsOnMySofa · 26/01/2022 16:31

Actually scrap my last post, I'd stop tip toeing around him. Have your lunch with the telly on, encourage yourself dc to sit in the lounge after school and relax. He has a perfectly good spare room to work from.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 26/01/2022 16:33

Make the spare room into a living room.

Bananalanacake · 26/01/2022 16:34

Try Freecycle if a skip is too expensive, no need to arrange collection times with people, just say household stuff outside X address.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/01/2022 16:36

@hulahooper2

You are being incredibly selfish , it’s his home too . Doesn’t sound like you work if you spend your time at home , is he the main earner. If he’s happier wfh then let him and make adjustments to suit all
Yes OP, if the person in the household who has a penis prefers things their way then who are we as women to stand in their way?!

Would he think it was reasonable to have a home with no living room, a spare room too full of his stuff to use plus an office for himself? Of course he wouldn't. But that's what he's created by making the living room his office.

He's being a dick. All he has to do is clear the spare room and everyone is happy so why on earth hasn't he just done that?!

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 26/01/2022 16:36

They have a living room. It just happens to have a selfish stubborn arse in it.

A family should not have to alter their lives when the sensible solution is to move the selfish stubborn arse up with the rest of the shite in the spare room.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/01/2022 16:36

@fizzypop100

The spare room is packed full of his clutter
Got as far as this post you made @fizzypop100 and could feel my blood pressure rising on your behalf.

TELL him, not even that politely, that he has 7 days to clear his clutter out of the spare room or you'll do it. Don't tell him how you'll do it but my suggestion would be to get a skip or skip bag and feck everything into it. He can have a chair and a desk and a potted plant (along with his work IT equipment) and anything else he thinks he needs but none of the clutter and that becomes his location to WFH.

Otherwise I'd do as others have suggested and just make noise, normal levels around the house but don't be quiet on his behalf. Family life must carry on.

JelloFish · 26/01/2022 16:36

Yeah fuck him off to the spare room if he wants quiet. If it's full of his shit that's his problem. He's had 2 years to sort it out.

The communal areas are for every one. I'd start using the space again. If he complains send him to the spare room. There's no reason he cannot get an extender or run a cable. He is choosing to work there.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 26/01/2022 16:38

YANBU and if he doesn't move back to the office I'd call it a day.