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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH work from home announcement

477 replies

fizzypop100 · 26/01/2022 14:56

I have told DH my feelings on him WFH. He's been at home last 2 years and I can't stand it any more. Said there needs to be some compromise, just one or two days a week in the office.
He's just been speaking to his team leader and asked to WFH for the foreseeable future. I have just told him he's being selfish. His answer was "my mental health". I told him it's affecting MY mental health.
This house is totally dominated by his work. He will not move his computer and desk out of the living room. School holidays are miserable as our teenage son can't do anything as dad is working in the living room.
I'm being an adult right now but can feel anger and tears building up.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/01/2022 18:21

He is being a selfish dick. I wfh and I am lucky enough to have a study to work in. If I didn't then I would set up a desk in our bedroom. He can't expect life to stop because he is working.

Stop tiptoeing around him when he works. If he doesn't like it then he can sort his shit out and clear the spare room.

Nena1 · 27/01/2022 18:24

@Yourcatisnotsorry. OP told us earlier in thread she cares for her Mum daily who lives other side of town and they have a SEN child.

Pipsquiggle · 27/01/2022 18:27

He is being a dick head.

As others have suggested, tell him you are going to start using the room as it should. Put Loose Women on in the middle of one of his meetings.

He obviously should be using the spare room

Lisalisaandcultjam · 27/01/2022 18:28

My DH has mainly worked from home the past 2 years too and whilst he IS considerate and moves around to whichever room isn't being used, we do live in quite a small house and it does encroach on my space which affects me from time to time.
He has lots of phonecalls which means nobody can make any noise and it almost feels like there are other people in the house at times.
During the times when there have been less cases, he has had permission to go in to his office a few days a week. There are hardly any others in his office so we felt it was safe and justified. It really does make a difference and he will probably go back to doing that again quite soon. Whilst it isn't ideal feeling like treading on eggshells when he is working from home, the compromise definitely does help.
He also says that his days are more productive when he's not at home working as there are often disturbances when the kids come home from school or are on holiday.

UtterSocks · 27/01/2022 18:31

He should be allowed to work from home if he likes as it is his home. But in the living room and expecting everyone to tiptoe around him and be quiet? Absolutely not! It is also you and DS’s home and you should be allowed to exist comfortably in it. Can’t he work upstairs somewhere or in a back room?

HelloFrostyMorning · 27/01/2022 18:33

@fizzypop100 How's it going? Have you spoke to your DH? Smile

ginforever · 27/01/2022 18:33

YANBU absolutely not !
At first in the beginning of lock down I loved having my DH at home. It was all ok until he decided to move from the kitchen table with a laptop to his office table - he dismantled and brought it in!- with 3 huge monitors.
Suddenly it was all taken, Infinite calls ALL -DAY-LONG in a very high volume with customers and work colleagues, drove me up the walls. The excitement didn’t last long. Bloody lockdown !
Luckily I chucked him in the kitchen and had the living room for myself, otherwise it would never have happened.
I can easily say that I love the house all for myself all the time, even when he is in on holidays is a nightmare, there’s plates and cups everywhere and I don’t feel free lol
I hated him WFH and I guarantee that it won’t ever happen again lol
I hope you manage to kick him back to his office soon OP.
Otherwise you go off to work and leave kids, school run, etc for him. Fine d a job far away lol
I bet he will change his mind and run back to office work :)
Good luck !

Cherryberrybonbon · 27/01/2022 18:36

WFH I feel has ruined our relationship!

It started here just before the pandemic, he treated the house likes his office walking around talking to clients and colleagues and I noticed how arrogant he could be as a person. Asking me what is for lunch every day like I’m his mother, leaving behind a trail of mess every where and not tidying up as he’s on work time, finishing work and lying in the settee not helping with the kids because it’s before half 5, I work nights and when I’m bed he still walks around been as loud as he likes like he’s the only one in the house. The more I write the more I don’t like him anymore 🙈😂 luckily there’s an end in sight he has a new job and he will have to go to work now, let’s see if our relationship gets back to where it once was, I’m not holding my breath!

So OP YANBU these work from homer’s need to get back to reality

mia778 · 27/01/2022 18:36

Does he have genuine mental health problems ? Can’t stand it when people throw this comment around as an excuse unless it’s genuine

Yourcatisnotsorry · 27/01/2022 18:36

[quote Nena1]@Yourcatisnotsorry. OP told us earlier in thread she cares for her Mum daily who lives other side of town and they have a SEN child.[/quote]
Then if she’s out of the house all day caring for the sick relative why so much concern about her husband using the house? Since she’s not home to see it?
It sounds like being more productive rather than watching telly in the lounge all day would be the solution here.
If the husband is working all evening/weekend etc. I can see the issue but most people without small children don’t need to be in their lounges 9-5.

Cotton55 · 27/01/2022 18:38

YADNBU

He's not living alone so therefore can't take over one of the main living spaces in the house. He needs to clear his crap out of the box room and convert that into an office. I'd make that a condition of wfh. Even having him in the main bedroom would drive me crazy. I often sort out the clean clothes by laying them on our bed and making piles to put away. Even simple stuff like that can't be done if he's in there 5 days a week.

But what is his 'mental health' issue exactly? Mental health issues is a term so over used imo. So much so that it can belittle the sufferings of people who genuinely have MH issues. (Not me -just talking in general terms) And employers are terrified of it because they can't be seen not to be taking it seriously. So does he actually have MH issues or is he just not bothered with the whole office/ suit and tie scene now that he's been out of it for so long?

Nixster87 · 27/01/2022 18:38

How does he think it impacts yourself and your sons MH constantly having to avoid the living room so he can work. WFH doesn’t mean he should take over the whole home and stop you both being able to have a life you may as well be on the clock and doing admin work for his company it’s impacting your home and your health. He needs to clear the spare room or invest in a small table and chair and have it in the bedroom so he can close the door and concentrate. Most people who had the space made use of it during lockdown and I’m failing to see why you and your son should hold off having friends round. Enjoying school / work breaks etc to accommodate him. He’s putting your life on hold to suit his needs and being uncompromising means he’s making it out to be you that’s the problem not him and his unwillingness to utilise the space available to him. I would kill for a spare room having two little boys one who has autism I could make a bedroom for one of them and the other bigger bedroom could be made into a bedroom and also a play / homework space when they get older. For now our dining table is in the lounge and we have to make it work for us as a family with compromise from all of us. I’d empty the box room myself and insist he works in there but it would also make a great space for any of you to study or read too when he’s not on the “clock”

Touchwood2654 · 27/01/2022 18:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/01/2022 18:42

@fizzypop100

The spare room is packed full of his clutter
Skip the lot of it and tell him he's moving his desk in there?
ChargingBuck · 27/01/2022 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Cotton55 · 27/01/2022 18:45

Why did you wait 2 years to remind him you have a perfectly good room upstairs??! Not that he should need reminding -it's not like he didnt know it was there!

Starryeyes65 · 27/01/2022 18:46

I think you need to ask him to move out to his own home. He shows no respect for you or your son. His actions appear to be controlling and amounts to domestic abuse. Do you really want to stay living with someone so selfish and unreasonable? Unless he has real mental health problems and is willing to address this and work towards helping himself then I am not sure what options you have. Using the living room as if he wasn’t there would be a childish escalation and would make your behaviour unreasonable

hangrylady · 27/01/2022 18:48

YANBU and even reading this makes me angry! He sounds like an absolute selfish wanker OP. My DH works from home, has done since before the pandemic, which is lucky as we were already adjusted to it, and I think people underestimate how difficult it is having someone there 24/7. Luckily I work outside of the house and DH has a small office but if he was there in the living room all day I think I'd have divorced him by now. He absolutely needs to sort out the spare room and get internet connection in there. Offer to help if you must but you can't live like this. What a shit.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 27/01/2022 18:52

No idea who Lydia is but you seem close with her. You also seem to have issues to turn this into something about gender when it’s nothing of the sort. Why are you assuming OP is a woman or that I am a woman? How is it misogynistic in any way to think someone is entitled to use their house to wfh and someone wanting to sit in the lounge all day doesn’t trump the other persons mental health.

Bleachmycloths · 27/01/2022 18:58

Sorry but he sounds a bit of a tw*t. Grounds for divorce. I’m not kidding. You can’t carry on like this.

NotMeNoNo · 27/01/2022 18:59

That's awful you've had that for 2 years. If he's going to work from home permanently then he needs a dedicated workspace. For the sake of cable-clipping a long ethernet cable up the stairs to your spare room and a bit of tidying, the rest of the family are turned out of the house?
Can you take the rubbish out of the spare room and put it in the lounge, it might not be pretty but at least it doesn't make a noise.

Can you start a stealth campaign of "accidental" embarrassing interruptions during his meetings?

LaughingCat · 27/01/2022 18:59

Which location he chooses to work in has to be his decision - whether from the office or from home.

But yeah, like everyone else, he needs to compromise with you guys as well. Bedroom or box room, out of the way, so you guys can also carry on with your lives. Anything else is just selfish.

Btw, I feel you. My other half and I work for the same organisation. While WFH has been amazing for us as a couple, I am a tad annoyed by the fact he set himself up in the kitchen. I take the bedroom most days, interspersed with walking calls outside. I’ve not seen the dining table for years now and he gets really grouchy if I come in while he’s on calls and try to make dinner, wash up, prep lunch, make brews, hang up washing…everything that happens in a normal family kitchen. And he’s on calls a lot.

I wouldn’t mind if we didn’t have any other space but we have a fully functional office set up in the spare bedroom that he uses for gaming. It’s beyond irritating.

So yeah, I completely understand what you’re going through. Sounds like you two need a good conversation about healthy boundaries and compromise to make this arrangement work for both of you. (And I should do the same :D)

ChargingBuck · 27/01/2022 18:59

I think you need to ask him to move out to his own home ... Using the living room as if he wasn’t there would be a childish escalation and would make your behaviour unreasonable

Whereas point-blank asking a man to move out of the home he legally owns, who nobody has a right to remove him from unless he is violent to his family, is a reasonable alternative, @Starryeyes65? Grin

FFS talk about jumping the gun.

A taste of his own medicine in regards to lounge usage might just wake him up to his selfishness, OR convince him that the spare room is best after all.

Besides, if OP has been unable to get him to leave a living room, how do you reckon she's going to be able to make him leave an entire house? Best to start small. & see if she can make headway.

That applies whether he is being temporarily unreasonable, or if he is actually the abusive bastard you reckon he is. My gut feel is actually kinda with you on that reckoning, but until OP wants to give more info, it's a big leap ...

Until then, if she needs to be a tad unreasonable to get her point across to a man who is acting entirely unreasonably & selfishly, so be it.

Cotton55 · 27/01/2022 19:00

@Cotton55

Why did you wait 2 years to remind him you have a perfectly good room upstairs??! Not that he should need reminding -it's not like he didnt know it was there!
Sorry this was meant for Anjo2011. Not the op
Insanelysilver · 27/01/2022 19:01

He isn’t being reasonable as he isn’t prepared to make any compromises.
It’s bad enough when family members WFH and expect you to constantly tip toe around the house but setting up his work space in the family sitting room isn’t acceptable. Not when there is another room he can use but doesn’t want to make the effort to make it use able.
Like other people have said, I’d tell him that he needs to sort out an upstairs office as you won’t be staying out of the family room any more and will be putting the TV on etc.