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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH work from home announcement

477 replies

fizzypop100 · 26/01/2022 14:56

I have told DH my feelings on him WFH. He's been at home last 2 years and I can't stand it any more. Said there needs to be some compromise, just one or two days a week in the office.
He's just been speaking to his team leader and asked to WFH for the foreseeable future. I have just told him he's being selfish. His answer was "my mental health". I told him it's affecting MY mental health.
This house is totally dominated by his work. He will not move his computer and desk out of the living room. School holidays are miserable as our teenage son can't do anything as dad is working in the living room.
I'm being an adult right now but can feel anger and tears building up.

OP posts:

onlychildhamster · 26/01/2022 17:19

@G5000 Screens aren't so easily portable or I would agree with you. You could have 2 desks ( one in living room, and one in bedroom) and hot desk in that way, but seems a bit wasteful. still, if it benefits family life and the bedroom is big enough, why not... I know a colleague of mine who did that (alternate between dining room and loft) as he had secondary aged children...He did go back to the office eventually cos he hated being in the loft!

RampantIvy · 26/01/2022 17:20

Yet another suggestion that he gets a Powerline adapter. it plugs into the mains and you run an ethernet cable from it into your laptop. I have to transfer a lot of large files and getting a Powerline adapter was a game changer. He has absolutely no excuse now not to move into the spare room.

I suggest that you carry on life as normal in the communal living space so that he has to move.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 26/01/2022 17:21

@XmasElf10

YANBU and I say that as a long term full time wfh person. You CANNOT wfh from a shared space. You need a spare room or even to use a corner of the master bedroom. It’s totally unfair to disrupt other home users. He needs to clear the spare room and put his desk in there.

I completely agree that OP's DH needs to clear the spare room and I can't understand why he wouldn't.

However, you can't say that people cannot WFH in a shared space! I either work in the living room or leave my job as I have no option! If someone finds their situation has changed and they have gone from being in the office to having to WFH then what are they supposed to do? In that case there has to be give and take from all parties.

katepilar · 26/01/2022 17:21

@fizzypop100

The spare room is packed full of his clutter

He can declutter it and use it for the office. I find it very inconsiderate that he takes up family's living room and is planning to do so indefinitely after two years.

CovidForChristmas · 26/01/2022 17:26

YANBU. My DH is still WFH and it feels unbearable after 2 years.
And he’s upstairs!
I honestly don’t think being at home full time is good for the mental health of most people. Is he afraid to go back to a work environment? It’s much easier to hide behind a screen at home.

Gardensparrows · 26/01/2022 17:30

As per, everyone’s missed the point.

Of course he or she could

clear the spare room
get a wifi extension
move
have friends round (although how many people would be willing to have coffee with a spouse working there … try asking your friends)
learn the trumpet

He. Won’t.

WonderfulYou · 26/01/2022 17:31

YANBU and if he doesn't move back to the office I'd call it a day.

I think ending your marriage as a few PP have suggested is way OTT.

It’s a good thing that DH will be WFH permanently.

He’s being a selfish arse not using the spare room and having it full of his clutter and wanting silence however this is only during the school holidays not every day and he’ll just have to put up with it.

OP leaving him will mean getting a job and living in a different house which won’t help her predicament- unless there are bigger issues where they’d be better off apart.

yellowbananasw · 26/01/2022 17:31

Can you tell us a bit more about what happens when he's at home in the living room - are you noisy? Do you put the TV on? Does he get annoyed or not bothered? Do you hide away seething quietly? What does he say about the impact of this on family life - I feel like there's a lot of missing info here.

mandajmo · 26/01/2022 17:32

Start moving his stuff upstairs to the spare room. It's incomprehensible that he can impinge on family life by monopolising the lounge.

Or give him a choice of moving to the spare room or buying another house with office space.

Inertia · 26/01/2022 17:33

It takes a particularly spiteful mindset to deliberately exclude a teenager with SEN from the only sitting room in the house, just so clutter can keep its own bedroom.

It sounds like he is deliberately trying to punish you- is he like this all the time? Does he think that you are some kind of slacker as your job is an unpaid, 24/7 caring role, therefore he is trying to make your life as hard as possible?

There is a solution- he works in the spare bedroom. Internet issues can be resolved. If he has so much contempt for you and your son that he won't allow you use of your home, then it's hard to see how the marriage is salvageable.

rwalker · 26/01/2022 17:34

@RampantIvy

I suggest that you carry on life as normal in the communal living space so that he has to move.

These rely on the earth wire and depending on the wiring in your house they are hit and miss.

The top and bottom of it you need an office . Don't just dismiss his stuff as clutter looks like it's going to be long term so invest in some storage.
Options for the internet
1)powerline adapter but can be unstable
2)long cat 5cable run it round your house
2) get main socket moved to spare room

Some hills aren't worth dying on to prove a point joint effort and crack on with rearranging your home .

TillyTopper · 26/01/2022 17:34

OP I feel really sorry for you! When I read your first paragraph I thought you were being unreasonable but he really needs to extend the hub to the spare room, clear it out and work from there. He absolutely shouldn't take over the living area with his work. We both WFH but in separate areas away from the main area of the house so anyone else can use communal spaces like kitchen and living area. If he's that unreasonable I don't know how you get him to change though - he sounds awful!

Kelly7889 · 26/01/2022 17:35

Do you have a garden? I've made a very nice shed office workspace for my DH - my neighbours have just done the same. It keeps his work space separate from our home space. Home is my sanctuary - I couldn't take it either.

RampantIvy · 26/01/2022 17:36

These rely on the earth wire and depending on the wiring in your house they are hit and miss.

I'm not an electrician, but would it depend on how recently the house was wired/rewired?

SickAndTiredAgain · 26/01/2022 17:39

Given that you have a spare room, I think it’s totally reasonable for him to choose to wfh full time.

It is not reasonable at all for him to refuse to use the spare room, insist on the living room, and therefore interfere with everyone else’s day. If he won’t move to the spare room, I’d at least be continuing to use the living room as a living room - if he doesn’t like your son watching tv while he works, he can move to the spare room. Or back to the office.

Cece92 · 26/01/2022 17:39

Tell him to declutter the spare room and then move into there. That way your son and yourself can use it as an actual livingroom. Im WFH I have a desk upstairs in my room - i know a couple people in my team have computers in their livingroom set up but this is them living alone

Nos3y · 26/01/2022 17:42

You defo can't dismiss his mental health comment but for sure he shouldn't be working in livingroom. Most companies will give you an allowance to set up an office space at home. Agree with previous comment, just use livingroom as normal he'll soon move

MzHz · 26/01/2022 17:44

The TP link is the absolute answer to the issue, so go into the spare room, clear out the stuff, stuck in loft or garage if poss, and get it set up and just as he has unanimously decided to work from home when you have clearly communicated the issues with this, then you too can arbitrarily decide that your home will be your home and you won’t be tip toeing around him, neither will your son or anyone else. If he doesn’t agree to move, then he’s going to be disturbed all day, every day.

Stand your ground. He has choices, you don’t.

rwalker · 26/01/2022 17:44

@RampantIvy

These rely on the earth wire and depending on the wiring in your house they are hit and miss.

I'm not an electrician, but would it depend on how recently the house was wired/rewired?

some circuits can have separate earths so there no link between the sockets that the power lines need to work DIY extra sockets not always as they should be if been. If all up to recent spec should be fine

sanbeiji · 26/01/2022 17:44

No point in pages and pages of suggestions.
He sees himself as main owner and so superior to you. Therefore he will do as he damn well pleases.

I suggest you take over the living room, get your son doing whatever he wants there and screw him.

What’s he going to do about it, hmmm?

sofakingcool · 26/01/2022 17:44

If he wants to WFH home long term then he needs to sort himself out a proper place to work from - not in the middle of the family home. You all have a right to access to the lounge IMO.

DH was a bit of a dick at the beginning of the lockdowns, expected perfect peace in the house etc, it just wasn't realistic. We all had to live here, and whilst I expect our teens to not be bellowing at the top of their lungs down the console to their mates, I can't expect them not to play at all. DH had to adjust his expectations or find somewhere else to work from..

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 26/01/2022 17:47

I bloody well would be dismissing his mental health comment until he acknowledges the impact on OP’s mental health.

She has told him that her health is being affected. Why should he be the only one that gets to have his mental health acknowledged?

G5000 · 26/01/2022 17:48

Do you have a garden? I've made a very nice shed office workspace for my DH

If the DH won't work in their perfectly good spare room, I doubt he will go to work in a shed.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 26/01/2022 17:49

OP, tell him his mental health will take a battering when you file for divorce, go after a mega financial settlement and have the entire house whilst he has to find somewhere new.

Alternatively he can sort his shit out of the spare room and move in there or fuck off back to the office.

I’d use that language too to ensure the selfish prick knew you were being serious.

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/01/2022 17:50

He needs to clear out the spare room and move his work in there giving you the rest of the house.

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