To feel sad my daughter has no friends.

[NewMum152]

My child is in year 2 and I feel really sad as she has no friends outside of school. I was under the impression that due to covid people haven’t been socialising but today I found out there have been lots of parties and my daughter has never been invited.

The thing is she’s very sociable and at drop offs and pick ups she’s surrounded by kids but at this age it’s the PARENTS that are in charge of who socialises with who. I’ve very introverted and totally opposite my daughter whose outgoing and lively. Why are the parents so cruel?

I have over the year reached out abs arranged play dates but everyone is always busy or do they tell me. It’s really upset me knowing they all meet up and I’m never invited. They all have my number as there’s a class WhatsApp group but parties are never posted there.

My child is in year 1. Very much the same. Never been invited to a play date. Admittedly there aren't many all class parties, so I'm not concerned about him missing out on parties as they will be for little groups of friends. His teacher says he's really popular in class. It's just my face/ accent doesnt fit or such.

I had the same OP. Hopefully you live in an area where the parents won't control their kids' social lives for much longer. Sadly where I live it went way on into secondary school!

Oh that's painfully sad. I was that child. Don't have them myself so no advice, just wanted to say I'm sorry it still goes on OP.

As the parent of a kid that age it's your responsibility to make sure you/they socialise outside of school I am afraid. It's a struggle - particularly if you are a working mum - but it is what it is. You need to set up some play dates and start chatting at the gates

My daughters in year 6 and has no friends, she never has and has never been invited to a birthday party, she didn’t even get one single card at Xmas 😣

Try clubs and stuff where she can make friends instead of just school?

Sadly at this age it doesn't matter if your dc is sociable and popular, it's all about the parents. It's sucks. I'm also a bit of an introvert and hate the school gate small talk...My dd had very few party invites as I'm not part of the clique!

However, as the kids get older, the parents find it harder and harder to control their children's friendships.

You have my sympathy

I’m sure there’s other parents who feel as you do, can’t you look out for lonely looking parents are the school gates and make a beeline for them, then suggest a walk to the park etc. Or ask your child to point out her friends, identity the mum and start building a friendship?

I know it’s hard when you’re introverted but you have to put yourself out there for your DD!

Have you done a party for her at all OP? Might be a way to start building some stronger relationships/friendships?

It sounds like the other children do like her and she does actually have friends. Does she talk about who she plays with at school?

You say you're very introverted. It might be that other parents (wrongly) interpret that as stand off-ish or unapproachable and that's why they aren't sure about arranging play dates with you? Unfortunately school parents can quickly decide who is and isn't ok based on very little actual information and a lot of assumption.

I'm not sure what the answer for that is but could you steal yourself to come out of your shell a bit more. I know it's really hard when you feel like everyone knows everyone - and I totally get that feeling there is a 'popular mum' group too. Sometimes it's about finding your tribe in the playground.

Also, I'd say speak to the teacher to check if your daughter does have friends in school, and check if there are any issues you're not aware of - fallings out etc that could be influencing the current situation.

Have you had a birthday party for her? If she invites children to her birthday she will hopefully get invites to parties in return.

Can she join rainbows/brownies or beavers? When my dc were younger they made lots of friends there (despite me being introverted).

I was the opposite as a child, my mother was very sociable so I got included in things when I was young, but as I got older and children started to make their own decisions I was excluded because they didn’t want me. So I’m now in the same position as OP, I can’t give my child any friends. It’s awful.

Be a helper. Help out at the school summer fairs, cake sales etc. This is how you 'make friends' with other mums I think, more than chatting at the school gate. Appreciate there haven't been many opportunities over the last two years, but as things start up again, volunteer where you can.

You are right, for children this age social lives are very dependent on the parents. It wasn't like that when I was a child, but then we all played out and were less dependent on school friendships.

However I disagree that the other parents are being cruel. They are getting on with their lives, socialising with their friends, and supporting their children's friendships. Unless they are holding whole class parties and not inviting your daughter (which I doubt) then they are not excluding her or you.

The truth is if you are very introverted and have basically been happy to lie low for the last few years, you have some ground to make up. There are parents in my DS's class who plainly don't want to chat, make friends or do anything more than collect their kids and go home. Nobody dislikes them, but they are not around when someone says "let's go bowling on Friday" etc. If you want to know what's going on, you need to mix a bit more with the other parents.

It’ll change soon enough when the children control who they’re friends with. DD was quiet and did get invited to a reasonable amount of parties - probably because I was friends with quite a few of the parents (but not the few yummy mummy ones as I’m not that person!) - when the kids started to ‘control’ invites it wasn’t so many (and parties get smaller as kids get older).

I feel so sorry for the children of this generation having to have their parents organise 'playdates'. It seems like the parents pick the friends.
When we were kids we just went out and called for each other.
Not a useful answer op, just nostalgia.

In our school year 1 parties are drop and go so parents don't stay. Other events are parent depended so organise a meet up at the park or something. I have 3 kids and find after school play dates a nightmare but we often invite someone over in holidays. Maybe ask her to pick one friend and get your daughter to write a note inviting the friend over in Feb half term with your number included and see how you get on

That's rubbish. I'm an introvert and made it my mission to make friends with as many parents as I possibly could when my son started school, but then we had to move so I'm having to start again. It is difficult, especially as everyone already knows each other and I'm the new person at the school gates and WhatsApp group. I've been trying to get more active in the WhatsApp group and I'm planning to send a group message about playdates and see if anyone fancies going to the park or something when the weather is a bit warmer. I think the WhatsApp group might be the key in my case as I can think about what I want to say, and I feel that I could even ask for advice about how my child could make friends etc. Anything really to get the conversation going. Would the WhatsApp group be an option for you OP? If you post about your concerns and see if any nice parents would be happy to have a playdate?

Or could you have a party and invite everyone?

Nobody dislikes them, but they are not around when someone says "let's go bowling on Friday" etc. If you want to know what's going on, you need to mix a bit more with the other parents.

This is so true - with adult friendships as well as child friendships. Often if you are part of event X (which could even just be a chat in the playground) it will lead to an invitation or inclusion in event Y and Z. If you weren’t at X because you went off home or looked st your phone instead of chatting, then you (and your child) also miss out on Y and Z.

I have to say though, when I am inviting kids for a playdate or party for my Y2 child, I ask her who she wants me to invite - it isn’t based on who I am friends with. It was at nursery age but not by y2. Clearly I am unusual based on this thread!

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin

I feel so sorry for the children of this generation having to have their parents organise 'playdates'. It seems like the parents pick the friends. When we were kids we just went out and called for each other. Not a useful answer op, just nostalgia.

Not everyone lives somewhere like that though, I live on a main road in London no kids Play out here

I think no matter how introverted you are, you owe it to your child to make friends with other parents, eg chat at the school gates (just strike up random conversation until you click with people, it’s surprising how many mums are keen to chat but too shy to approach!) Or go to the park/playground with other mums if there’s one nearby after school. I used to tag along and just sit on the grass with the mums while the kids played, we all got chatting that way. Very few people will leave you out on purpose if you seem friendly and open.

Play dates are often viewed as a hassle as it involves having someone’s kid in your home, feeding them, being responsible for them and reciprocating. I often turn down play dates as I’m too tired after school/at weekends.

Why not have a whole class party for her birthday and get to know other parents that way?

You have to be proactive. I messaged the mum of the daughter my daughter talked about a lot and set up a play date. Offered to split lifts for hobbies, made both our lives easier. I found out when the rest of the classes birthdays where and messaged the mum of the girls with the closest birthday asking if she wanted to do a joint party. I didn’t know her either. Make the effort. People won’t go chasing you.

The parents arent being cruel, at least not necessarily. What they are doing is prioritising their friendships and practicing reciprocity.

You may be introverted but you still need to make an effort to set up playdates and het your dd on their radar. She may be popular with her classmates but 6 year olds can be very random when it comes to drawing up party invitations so it may be as simple as they havent played with her that week, or that they "owe" invitations to x, y and z because they went to their parties.

I agree with @trunktoes and @TheYearofSmallThings. They're unlikely to be being deliberately cruel but it's about visibility. You're not particularly visible to them so they don't invite you and your DD to stuff.

There's a couple of things I would do in your situation:

• Ask your DD for the names of 3-4 children she is playing with at school at the moment and invite them all for a weekend playdate/small party. Likelihood is at least a couple will accept and that puts you in touch with their parents so you can arrange future playdates. Repeat every couple of months and invite different children as your DD's friends may change.
• Organise an out-of-school activity for your DD so she makes a separate group of friends to her school friends. See if there's any forest school sessions or stuff like that going on locally that parents can attend as well.
• If your DD hits it off with another child at the playground and the parent seems friendly, ask if they'd like to meet up at the playground again and get their number.

The good news if your DD is super-sociable is that she will do most of the leg work in actually making new friends. But you need to put on your big girl pants and back up her friendships by getting contact details for any friends she makes so they can stay in touch and arrange future meet-ups. Yes, some people will snub you and some won't be bothered, but that's just a risk you've got to deal with.

Parents are bitches- honestly OP, my advice fake it, fake chatty, fake like u give a damn, keep trying with play dates!