To feel sad my daughter has no friends.

[NewMum152]

My child is in year 2 and I feel really sad as she has no friends outside of school. I was under the impression that due to covid people haven’t been socialising but today I found out there have been lots of parties and my daughter has never been invited.

The thing is she’s very sociable and at drop offs and pick ups she’s surrounded by kids but at this age it’s the PARENTS that are in charge of who socialises with who. I’ve very introverted and totally opposite my daughter whose outgoing and lively. Why are the parents so cruel?

I have over the year reached out abs arranged play dates but everyone is always busy or do they tell me. It’s really upset me knowing they all meet up and I’m never invited. They all have my number as there’s a class WhatsApp group but parties are never posted there.

Op, don’t take any notice of your dd. It can be really upsetting for parents when they feel that their dcs are being left out. We all want our kids to be content at school as they spend a lot of time there.

Dh not dd

I left it open to the parents and said it would be lovely to see them but equally I understand if they just want to you drop dc off

I don’t think you realise many parents won’t drop their child at the house of someone they don’t know, or go in for coffee unless you’re already friends.

Try suggesting meet ups on neutral ground. Eg park, swimming pool, softplay, trampoline park, adventure playground. Then the kids play while the mums chat and supervise. If you’re still getting turned down every time it’s likely their kids don’t get on with your DD for some reason you’re unaware of.

Is she good at sharing? Turn taking? Respectful of other kids boundaries? Not excessively loud and chatty or quiet and silent? Watch her with her classmates to see how they interact.

It’s possible the mums are in a clique but highly unlikely the entire class is in that clique! My DS is in year 1 and there are about 10 mums in a clique, who live near each other and grew up together. The rest are friendly and many moved to the area not long ago. But we still don’t do play dates. One mum (who I like very much, and my son has been to her house party and her son to mine) has suggested play dates but right now I’m too tired, pregnant and suffering HG to get into a playdate cycle.

Do you work? A lot of the mums at DS’ school work full time and have multiple kids, or don’t drive or live the other side of town. I’m on Mat leave but before that I worked FT and didn’t home until 7pm. Weekends I was too shattered to ferry DS to play dates or supervise other people’s kids.

As for parties, it’s mean to leave one child out. Are you sure the whole class was invited?

In Reception a lot of parties were garden parties where mums were welcome to stay, it was a sort of way to vet each other’s houses and get to know each other. Parties after that were more drop and go, but if you’ve spent a few hours in someone’s garden and met both parents (and made sure it’s clean, safe and no dogs about) you feel better dropping off. And the child is familiar with the environment so happier to be left.

If you missed out on that I’d organise a whole class party at your home (or a hall) with ‘parents welcome to stay’ and serve food and drink to the parents too.

If DD is still being left out of invites I’d be wondering if she gets on with her classmates as well as you think; maybe ask the teacher?

My ds who's autistic doesn't get invited to many parties either. It was better when they were younger as I had a group of friends from play group so they went to each other's. I had a party for him last year and he got 3 invites off the back of that. We don't tend to do play dates but I have friends with kids so tend to socialise with them. Are you sure people are meeting regularly/lots of parties. It may be less common than you think.

He’s kicking off calling me a “fucking weirdo” and no wonder no parents want play dates! He’s saying I’m the only fucking crazy *** who cares about such insignificant things! I feel so alone. It’s not just DD friend group if I had other mum friends it would be so lonely for me.

Sorry everyone, I’m gonna pull myself together and get ready for the day.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

As for parties, it’s mean to leave one child out. Are you sure the whole class was invited?

In Reception a lot of parties were garden parties where mums were welcome to stay, it was a sort of way to vet each other’s houses and get to know each other. Parties after that were more drop and go, but if you’ve spent a few hours in someone’s garden and met both parents (and made sure it’s clean, safe and no dogs about) you feel better dropping off. And the child is familiar with the environment so happier to be left.

If you missed out on that I’d organise a whole class party at your home (or a hall) with ‘parents welcome to stay’ and serve food and drink to the parents too.

If DD is still being left out of invites I’d be wondering if she gets on with her classmates as well as you think; maybe ask the teacher?

I was told all the girls were invited except my DD. The person that told me has boys only. She also told me there’s been lots of boy only parties which she’s attended.

I'm at a loss as why anyone would turn down a playdate unless genuinely busy. After 2 years isolation my year 1 DD favourite activity is visiting people's houses. Also I can't imagine a parent inviting all girls to a party bar one, so I would definitely raise with school if any issues.

Talk to teacher. Keep pushing/asking re playdates or ring and speak to the Mum directly. is your daughter really friends with these girls? how many people are you trying? are you trying too many - she can't be good friends with more than say three or four.

Why haven't you held a birthday party since nursery? What about reception and year 1. I know it was tricky with covid and many people didn't bother, but because this was such a problem for your dd You could've gone the extra mile and sent in some presents for a small group of six on the day, to school, and then they could've taken them home and had a zoom party where you did activities - some of my friends have done similar.
When is her birthday this year?what month? are you having a party soon? I suggest you do - it might make a difference.

@trunktoes

As the parent of a kid that age it's your responsibility to make sure you/they socialise outside of school I am afraid. It's a struggle - particularly if you are a working mum - but it is what it is. You need to set up some play dates and start chatting at the gates

This

trunktoes
As the parent of a kid that age it's your responsibility to make sure you/they socialise outside of school I am afraid. It's a struggle - particularly if you are a working mum - but it is what it is. You need to set up some play dates and start chatting at the gates

Not always that easy though is it?? If you have read the post correctly you'll see that the op has desperately tried to set up play dates to no avail.

I see the parties on Facebook (shouldn’t look I know) and it breaks my heart. It’s cruel and planned.

No, it is not cruel or planned, and you need to calm down and stop attributing malice where none exists. Many people don't do whole class parties, especially after reception and Y1 and during a pandemic. Children invite their favourite friends, and your DD has been to 7 parties, which is fine (btw it is not normal for you to keep an exact tally).

I really hope you aren't teaching your daughter to take umbrage, or going around muttering resentfully and stirring up trouble for her.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I see the parties on Facebook (shouldn’t look I know) and it breaks my heart. It’s cruel and planned.

No, it is not cruel or planned, and you need to calm down and stop attributing malice where none exists. Many people don't do whole class parties, especially after reception and Y1 and during a pandemic. Children invite their favourite friends, and your DD has been to 7 parties, which is fine (btw it is not normal for you to keep an exact tally).

I really hope you aren't teaching your daughter to take umbrage, or going around muttering resentfully and stirring up trouble for her.

This!!!

OP I really feel for you and your DD. Your 'DH' sounds like an arsehole, I wouldn't talk to him about this anymore. Can you afford the independent school? If so, I would probably look to moving your DD.

Talk to her teacher and see if things get better, but if there's no improvement over the next couple of months, I'd move her, life's too short.

Chin up, things will work out. I'd seriously reconsider your marriage though if this is how your DH regularly speaks to you, arsehole.

@trunktoes

As the parent of a kid that age it's your responsibility to make sure you/they socialise outside of school I am afraid. It's a struggle - particularly if you are a working mum - but it is what it is. You need to set up some play dates and start chatting at the gates

If your face doesn't fit as a parent there's nothing you can do. If it's just about visibility then it's not as difficult but it can still be difficult breaking into cliques even if you don't work.

Best solution OP is to find activities outside school where you might find less snobby and cliquey mothers (and fathers - they are just as bad in my experience - especially if you don't drive the right sort of car).

Those talking blithely about "messaging" the mum - you need their number first, right? How do you get that if you don't know them? It was easier in the days before GDPR when you could have a class list of contact details. But you can't just go round the playground asking people for their mobile numbers.

(I think 7 parties is fine though and you are worrying over nothing)

Those talking blithely about "messaging" the mum - you need their number first, right? How do you get that if you don't know them?

It's all on the WhatsApp group. The OP has their numbers, and they have hers.

However I think they are more likely to respond positively to a message if they also have a friendly familiarity with the parent sending it.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

I think no matter how introverted you are, you owe it to your child to make friends with other parents, eg chat at the school gates (just strike up random conversation until you click with people, it’s surprising how many mums are keen to chat but too shy to approach!) Or go to the park/playground with other mums if there’s one nearby after school. I used to tag along and just sit on the grass with the mums while the kids played, we all got chatting that way. Very few people will leave you out on purpose if you seem friendly and open.

Play dates are often viewed as a hassle as it involves having someone’s kid in your home, feeding them, being responsible for them and reciprocating. I often turn down play dates as I’m too tired after school/at weekends.

Why not have a whole class party for her birthday and get to know other parents that way?

Also could depend on older siblings We have a busy week, with activities every day (not for every child, but we are busy) with only one day "free" For play dates And weekends do tend to get busier

I have a yr2 DD and in your position I would throw a whole class party in the spring, regardless of when bday was, use the party as a chance to speak to the other parents, be charming, and they'll hopefully remember your DD when planning their own parties. And for play dates you'll be more likely to be thought of because your more familiar to them now.

Personally I only invite kids round to play if I know their parents. It's just easier.

@NewMum152

He’s kicking off calling me a “fucking weirdo” and no wonder no parents want play dates! He’s saying I’m the only fucking crazy *** who cares about such insignificant things! I feel so alone. It’s not just DD friend group if I had other mum friends it would be so lonely for me.

The playdates thing may sort itself out but this is actually worrying. Does your husband make a habit of being abusive towards you and undermining your confidence?

If you're anywhere near North London, I can recommend a riding school where she can make loads of friends. It's where my daughter spends all her time after school/on weekends. PM me

And your husband sounds horrible.

@JuergenSchwarzwald

(I think 7 parties is fine though and you are worrying over nothing)

Not sure where you got this from. It’s not my post it was snothers

@scaredsadandstuck

Have you done a party for her at all OP? Might be a way to start building some stronger relationships/friendships?

It sounds like the other children do like her and she does actually have friends. Does she talk about who she plays with at school?

You say you're very introverted. It might be that other parents (wrongly) interpret that as stand off-ish or unapproachable and that's why they aren't sure about arranging play dates with you? Unfortunately school parents can quickly decide who is and isn't ok based on very little actual information and a lot of assumption.

I'm not sure what the answer for that is but could you steal yourself to come out of your shell a bit more. I know it's really hard when you feel like everyone knows everyone - and I totally get that feeling there is a 'popular mum' group too. Sometimes it's about finding your tribe in the playground.

Also, I'd say speak to the teacher to check if your daughter does have friends in school, and check if there are any issues you're not aware of - fallings out etc that could be influencing the current situation.

This is such good advice.

I’d make sure dd does range if activities out of school. Then she has friends there. Does she go to brownies?