To feel sad my daughter has no friends.

[NewMum152]

My child is in year 2 and I feel really sad as she has no friends outside of school. I was under the impression that due to covid people haven’t been socialising but today I found out there have been lots of parties and my daughter has never been invited.

The thing is she’s very sociable and at drop offs and pick ups she’s surrounded by kids but at this age it’s the PARENTS that are in charge of who socialises with who. I’ve very introverted and totally opposite my daughter whose outgoing and lively. Why are the parents so cruel?

I have over the year reached out abs arranged play dates but everyone is always busy or do they tell me. It’s really upset me knowing they all meet up and I’m never invited. They all have my number as there’s a class WhatsApp group but parties are never posted there.

I just had this recently with my DS5. I texted the mum of a boy he's been talking a lot about and said "DS has mentioned your DS a few times, would you be free on X date next mont?" Got a "sorry we can't" back and no suggestion of a different date back so I've left it but I feel sad for DS.

Google the mum and she's an influencer. Clearly I'm not cool enough for our children to hang out. We're in our thirties/forties, why are people still this pathetic??

*next month

I hope you get some replies.

I agree about trying her with some clubs.

Any children around your estate etc?

Hi OP, I’m sorry you feel this way, if you were on your own at the school gates with your child I would come over and chat with you. I think you have to be really careful not to project your anxieties onto your child if she seems perfectly happy. Are you sure you aren’t making a mountain out of a molehill? I would just make yourself happy and do things that make you feel great about yourself, not look for validation in other people.

We have just arranged a night out for mums on our wats app group

Can you do that ? Say be nice to meet up one weekend - what date suits most and see if people reply

Once you get chatting to mums and relax a bit they may be more forth coming

Me. I talk to anyone

I understand what it's like - I have PTSD-induced anxiety and have found it very hard with the parents-controlling-friendships, as my DC are outgoing as well and always asking about having their friends over, going to theirs, and having parties - and it's not up to them, it's up to the parents inviting their own friends' children.

I found a few things helpful. Hiring a childminder who looks after multiple children - a few of these parents worked long hours but were keen to do after school or weekend social things with the kids.

Signing them up for sports and clubs.

Doing more things with kids in the family - cousins etc. This really helped as there wasn't the cliquishness (obviously) when it came to family and it was just as exciting for DC to have their cousins come over.

And ultimately just trying not to make a fuss about it or act like anything is wrong. It is what it is, and sounds like your DD is confident and well-adjusted, so the having-friends-over/birthday party stuff might take a little longer, but it doesn't sound like she's upset about it, which is the most important thing.

I have to say though, when I am inviting kids for a playdate or party for my Y2 child, I ask her who she wants me to invite - it isn’t based on who I am friends with. It was at nursery age but not by y2. Clearly I am unusual based on this thread!

Even in Reception I asked my DC who they wanted to invite and never invited my friends' children. Maybe because I didn't know all of the parents, it's a big school with an intake over quite a big area so no one knows everyone if you know what I mean.

I'm outgoing but my children are not and all I can say is that you can throw many playdates but it doesn't mean your child will have meaningful friendships out of them.

I hate play dates, always have - Iv 3 close together and not many kids can cope with chaos. I was called mean on mumsnet for not organising playdates for dc - tried 2 went horribly and gave up. Instead went and did group stuff with mine very night, when I wasn't working - swimming, rugby, football, gymnastics, art/craft classes, scouting - this one was really good for making friends.

When they were old enough they played in the street and made friends.

Actually not being super tight with kids at school has worked in their favour. They are friends with everyone in their class, invited to a few parties and managed to dodge the drama that seems to pop up in the last two years of primary when they all take to social media or fall out with each other

Do most parents work full time? Are you working or SAHP?

A mum of a child in our class got nowhere organising playdates for about a year until she finally accepted that we all work full time so after school isnt an option - we can only do weekends. She was told this repeatedly but kept suggesting after school times.

Have you tried different options op? Weekends vs afterschool?

Well done OP. The responses do sound like they think you are inviting them too though so don't be put off by negative responses and maybe next time say I can bring her home after school and then drop her off about x. You will soon start chatting with the Mums

shes so young dont worry about this

Yep didn't do after school due to work and kids activities. Just occasional weekend ones. Not often though as after a busy week I wasn't that up for looking after someone else's child

Ok this is going to sound stupid… but are you only giving 1 date when you try to arrange?

Hey, was thinking it might be nice for the kids to get together. Nothing big, just an afternoon with lego or whatever and snacks. Do any of these dates work for you to drop little Jane off for a couple of hours? Date1, date2, date3, date4. You are of course welcome to hang out as well but I totally understand if you could use a couple of hours while Jane and Jill are playing.

If that doesn’t work find out from your kid who the other lonely kids are and invite them… by this thread alone there are more of you in this situation than you think!

Yes just say, “ah never mind, what date would suit? We can do Tuesdays or Fridays”

Don’t read too much into people saying they have plans and not suggesting an alternative… people are busy.

Hi op. My daughter really struggled up to year 2 with making friends. I practically broke down at parents evening one year and told the teacher I really didn't care about how she could improve her reading or maths I needed help trying to improve her ability to make friends! Thankfully the teacher was lovely and she named another girl who I had only heard of by name who apparently was also a bit on the outside of the main groups. I got in touch with the mum and told her and asked for a play date. The rest is history. Maybe try and speak to the teacher?

@RedCandyApple

My daughters in year 6 and has no friends, she never has and has never been invited to a birthday party, she didn’t even get one single card at Xmas 😣

That is sad but also happened to my DD. She made friends in secondary school and is very happy now.

I’m sorry op.

Time to start organising the play dates yourself :)

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin

I feel so sorry for the children of this generation having to have their parents organise 'playdates'. It seems like the parents pick the friends. When we were kids we just went out and called for each other. Not a useful answer op, just nostalgia.

I have to admit that this is what my kids do now. Just before lockdown we moved house into a nice quiet cul de sac full of young families. My kids knew some from school and going out and playing together in the street helped the rest to join in.

They do also have some hobbies outside of school they have friends at.

Does DD care? My DM used to get very upset when she would see I wasn't the most social person in primary school, I then became one of the most sociable in my teenage years and now I prefer to keep my circle tight.

I am an introvert and hate talking to people but I do, for my child so that I can have play dates for her. I know some parents are much more closer to each other but they come to our house, and we meet them out. We are invited to birthday parties, because I make an effort to speak to the parents. And as for setting playdates with other kids, ask the parents infront of the kids. Not by messaging them privately. Once the kids know that they are invited they then force/convince their parents for a playdate. Thats how I got roped into a sleep over by my kid and their friend. Not that I mind that as it was a good experience. Funny kids.

My daughter's best friends are from her horse riding club. She has school friends, but her best friends are outside of school. Could your daughter do an activity outside of school where she could meet other like-minded girls? I barely know any of the parents at my daughter's riding club, but she's still friends with all the kids there

Same with my daughter year 5, she has ASD and really really struggles badly with friendships. She made a lovely friend and another girl came along and they went off and now exclude her. She gets so upset, never any play dates, FaceTimes, WhatsApp anything. It totally breaks my heart.

I'm clearly going against the grain here, but I think you're taking this "no friends outside of school" thing too seriously. You say your DD is very sociable and is always surrounded by other kids at pick up/drop off, so she must have friends at school. Does she want/need anything else right now? Is your DD upset that she doesn't see her school friends outside of school? If so, what do her friends do immediately after school? Do they all go straight home, or do they go to the park or somewhere like that, where you could go too? Does your DD have a best friend? Usually parents will make an effort to invite their child's best friend over, or do something like go to the park after school together sometimes, as the kids will be blunt about asking for it.

Unfortunately some parents are cruel or st best thoughtless!
My child is similar to yours. I did a whole class party in September (and one in sept 19) so 60 children.
How many parties has she been invited to? 7. I see the parties on Facebook (shouldn’t look I know) and it breaks my heart. It’s cruel and planned.
Love her and support her. Look for others who are being purposefully left out and make connections x