To feel sad my daughter has no friends.

[NewMum152]

My child is in year 2 and I feel really sad as she has no friends outside of school. I was under the impression that due to covid people haven’t been socialising but today I found out there have been lots of parties and my daughter has never been invited.

The thing is she’s very sociable and at drop offs and pick ups she’s surrounded by kids but at this age it’s the PARENTS that are in charge of who socialises with who. I’ve very introverted and totally opposite my daughter whose outgoing and lively. Why are the parents so cruel?

I have over the year reached out abs arranged play dates but everyone is always busy or do they tell me. It’s really upset me knowing they all meet up and I’m never invited. They all have my number as there’s a class WhatsApp group but parties are never posted there.

Your DH’s reaction isn’t normal. I wonder if that’s the issue? I wouldn’t sent a young dd to play at a house where the dad was volatile.
Could there be some misunderstanding eg your dd doesn’t celebrate birthdays (Jehovahs witness etc) as she’s never had a party so people have put 2 and 2 together and come up with 5.

I'm at a loss as why anyone would turn down a playdate unless genuinely busy. After 2 years isolation my year 1 DD favourite activity is visiting people's houses

So many reasons:

Kid doesn’t want to go (not all kids like visiting others houses)

Parents are tired from work and don’t want the faff of picking up, dropping off. Maybe they’re not walking distance and don’t drive, getting a bus is a pain.

Dogs (my DS is scared of them and tbh I wouldn’t want him playing in a house with a loose dog)

Other plans for the weekend eg seeing family, day trips

Siblings

The expectation that play date will be reciprocated, parents may dislike supervising other kids at weekends/evenings or find their own get loud and silly with peers in the house.

Clubs, sports, activities.

Established friendship groups of play dates.
Kid not wanting to go to a playdate with someone they’re not close to.

Parents coming across as pushy trying to insist on play dates.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

I'm at a loss as why anyone would turn down a playdate unless genuinely busy. After 2 years isolation my year 1 DD favourite activity is visiting people's houses

So many reasons:

Kid doesn’t want to go (not all kids like visiting others houses)

Parents are tired from work and don’t want the faff of picking up, dropping off. Maybe they’re not walking distance and don’t drive, getting a bus is a pain.

Dogs (my DS is scared of them and tbh I wouldn’t want him playing in a house with a loose dog)

Other plans for the weekend eg seeing family, day trips

Siblings

The expectation that play date will be reciprocated, parents may dislike supervising other kids at weekends/evenings or find their own get loud and silly with peers in the house.

Clubs, sports, activities.

Established friendship groups of play dates.
Kid not wanting to go to a playdate with someone they’re not close to.

Parents coming across as pushy trying to insist on play dates.

All of these!

Op it does sound like you’ve tried hard. If the teacher isn’t interested when you speak to her about this, then in your shoes I would think seriously about moving her to the independent school. The primary my dc go to takes friendship issues very seriously, they talk about kindness and inclusion a lot, and the whole culture of the place including amongst the parents at the school gates is of making sure newcomers are involved and kids (and their mums!) don’t get left out. Not all schools are cliquey or have a culture like the one you’re experiencing.

As for your Dh - sounds like you’ve got major problems there. That’s not a normal reaction.

It sounds like you have a serious DH problem.

Even if he doesn't understand how you feel , he should still be supportive. That's his job as your life partner. And is he normally that rude to you? Not ok.

I feel for you.

My DD made friends with a group of girls in reception & year 1. She even went to the childminders with two of them. But she was never included out of school because I wasn’t friends with the mums. It was so difficult, the other girls would talk about going to the park or playdates in their garden (post lockdown) and my DD would tell me about it sadly saying she guessed that they didn’t have my number to invite her (definitely not true). Once the other two girls got picked up early from the childminders so they could all go trick or treating together, leaving my DD there with the little ones. My heart broke for her.

Fortunately we moved house last year (unrelated to that) and her new school is much better. She’s in year 3 now, I don’t really know any parents but she’s still been invited on play dates. Children have dragged their parents over to me in the playground to say they’d like to have DD over, I don’t think the parents have had a choice!

Ultimately some people just don’t want to make an effort outside of their friendship group, it may be through malice, or just because that’s what’s convenient for them. It does happen and no matter how much you put yourself out there it might not work out. But not everyone is the same, and as they get older you might find that parents have no choice but to expand the play date invites as the children demand it!

Also, all you people saying, ‘join the brownies’ is that possible where you live?! In both places we’ve lived my poor DD has been sat on a waiting list (first for rainbows from age 3, and now for brownies) and never had a place and still no sign of one!

But no mention of your daughter in this? I don’t get it? You say she comes out of school smiling and happy surrounded by friends- but you’re going to the teacher to complain that she hasn’t been invited to play dates ?! You’re considering moving her and you’re not sleeping- it’s even negatively affecting your relationship with your husband because you’re so obsessed? But nowhere have you said your daughter is unhappy… and …she’s only year 2 for heavens sake! We just came out of a series of lockdowns and we are all finding our way socially. Relax! Find other things for YOU to do, not your daughter- who you haven’t said once is unhappy!

It sounds like OP is in a bit of a shit relationship and is hoping to make friends through her DD. I would suggest joining adult classes, a gym etc and trying to make friends that way. Just because your child has a play date it doesn’t mean you’ll become friends with the parents, the only thing you may have in common is a child the same age.

I’ve only read your updates, so this may have been said, but your DH sounds deeply unpleasant in the way that he speaks to you. Perhaps you’re uncomfortable to be more ‘extroverted’ because you get slapped down by him all the time.
FWIW, I knows it’s hard to see your dd apparently excluded. She will find her tribe in the end but it feels awful in the meantime.

I don't want to read too much between the lines but I wonder whether your relationship with your DH is sapping your confidence - if so, besides the obvious implications for you and your wellbeing, you should consider whether this will have an effect on your DD long-term. If she is in a house where her father is regularly demeaning or aggressive towards her mother, that's probably going to have a greater impact than not having playdates. And eventually she may worry about inviting other children home.

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin I know this is a lte reply! But you're reply really resonated with me! I am so concerned for our dd in the future due to how things have changed, I naively never exp that I'd have to be so so involved in helping her have a social life! I was born in 84, lived close to a big town, lived in a normal area not wealthy, not poor had 1-2 kids nearby even though it was busy, made 1 friend around age 7 and was out most half terms as my mum didn't work as was the same for many other nearby mums. I as a mother now work albeit 3 FT days but live in what's regards as wealthier area not close to. Busy town with very few kids close by and most parents both work FT not many are PT, it's worrying me that I should perhaps move closer to where I was raised, not too far away but it's not a great area, the schools aren't great, they're better here but I hear from friends who live there thst kids don't go out as much as they did due to being glued to their phones. They shop online now, they don't depend on busy towns and socialise online. Just such a different era, worries the crap out of me esp as she's currently an only as we went to hell n bk with her waking a lot from birth to now, im considering another due to such little family also but to pot go through that again worries me too for my Mhealth sake. It used to be so much easier in a sense mums were home, all kids played out and knocked for eachother throughout the HTerms and as they got older continues after school meet ups etc, to me it was a huge part of becoming independent! It made me partially who I am today, I cannot imagine being a child, living wheee I do and not having that freedom like I did as a kid, albeit I did spend a lot of days outside wirh friends not at any clubs but I had a lot of fun & look bk as my happiest yrs!

More shit for women to sort out. Mums can be so cliquey, we are still finding it now in Y7. I work a big job and I’ve never been liked much but the cliques are alive and kicking and it’s Alpha mums in control. You have to schmooze to make it work but who has time or energy for that. Not me!

Parenting now is a lot harder hard work along with having to work too, years ago we didn't depend on shcool friendship meet ups, we played with kids locally and knocked on for eachother but that wasn't until we were 7-8 so prior to then I only had kid contact at school and tbh i don't feel affected by that at all, it was great when I got to 7-8 to start going out and making my own friendships and my parents left me totaly to it it and didn't have much involvement and I'm glad i would have hated that, my mum was also totaly intorverted so it was a good job it was that way around then and I'm more sociable to help my child with this now, but it helped foster a huge amount of Independence and as I got older I made friendships from school work more for me as I could venture further from home, but I didn't have friends until I was about 7-8. I think based on this I aren't going to worry to much on it until she's 5/6 and start really putting in some work trying to do play dates etc then or from parties but not before age 5-6 they're still so young. X x

This also must be hard for full time working parents if they're having to drop their kids off early at breakfast club and collect at after school clubs how other than parties will they be there to make friendships with other parents; that's going to limit things more surely. It was so much simpler for parents to kids before the last 20 yrs as more mums were around in half terms etc to let their kids out and didn't depend on the school gate and parties to try and make friendships for their kids, they let their kids out and they made friendships for themselves.

i’m sorry but your post is ridiculous. Do you think anyone wants to socialise with school parents? We do this to help our kids make friends. You need to start making an effort - start by asking if anyone wants to meet up with you and DD on the whatsapp group.

she has a whatsapp group. I work from 8-6pm. Never do the nursery pick ups and drop offs but have still arranged meet ups and playdates and parties via whatsapp.

@RunLolaRun102 easier said than done when you are introverted as the OP stated in her original post.

And as for setting playdates with other kids, ask the parents infront of the kids. Not by messaging them privately. Once the kids know that they are invited they then force/convince their parents for a playdate.

Do not do this. I am very easygoing and can occasionally be wheedled into an unwanted playdate by a sad little 7 year old face. But any such shenanigans by a pushy parent and we would be busy for all eternity.

Message the parent privately or ask them when the children are not around.

Honestly you need to relax. She's only 6 ffs this literally isn't going to impact her at all. And you say she has plenty of friends at school so she's hardly a loner.

When she gets a bit older she'll be able to play with her friends without the parents permission. Stop stressing.

That's not nice, for you or your dd. It occurs to me, given the nasty school atmosphere, that maybe the problem isn't your personality but ironically the fact that you do volunteer at the school, and perhaps some other parents see you as next thing to being one of the teachers, and/or as linked to some generally unpopular clique.

I think the best is to move schools, if you possibly can. If the atmosphere is so unpleasant, and teachers are constantly leaving, this is likely to be bad for your child's education and school experience, both academically and socially.

💔

OLD THREAD

Oh yeah, any luck with making friends then op 😁