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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad my daughter has no friends.

148 replies

NewMum152 · 25/01/2022 16:42

My child is in year 2 and I feel really sad as she has no friends outside of school. I was under the impression that due to covid people haven’t been socialising but today I found out there have been lots of parties and my daughter has never been invited.

The thing is she’s very sociable and at drop offs and pick ups she’s surrounded by kids but at this age it’s the PARENTS that are in charge of who socialises with who. I’ve very introverted and totally opposite my daughter whose outgoing and lively. Why are the parents so cruel?

I have over the year reached out abs arranged play dates but everyone is always busy or do they tell me. It’s really upset me knowing they all meet up and I’m never invited. They all have my number as there’s a class WhatsApp group but parties are never posted there.

OP posts:

ManicPixie · 25/01/2022 17:45

You say you’re really introverted then blame the other parents. Perhaps you could make more of an effort with them?

emilyintheSE · 25/01/2022 17:47

@ManicPixie

You say you’re really introverted then blame the other parents. Perhaps you could make more of an effort with them?

This.

Sorry OP, but you need to pull your finger out and step up for your daughter.

Have you thrown your daughter a birthday party? You say you've tried to arrange play dates, how many are we talking here?

Get active on the WhatsApp group too! If no one knows you, they're less likely to want to hang out with you/your daughter.

Go get 'em 💪🏼

Glowtastic · 25/01/2022 17:49

I would find out which child has a birthday near to hers and message the parent asking if they want to do a joint party. My experience of this was they would snap your hand off!
Im introverted and hated it but you do have to put yourself out there a bit. I am lucky that DH is extremely sociable though and will talk to anyone!

Goldbar · 25/01/2022 17:53

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Parents are bitches- honestly OP, my advice fake it, fake chatty, fake like u give a damn, keep trying with play dates!

. A few might be but most of them really aren't. They're just getting on with their lives and trying to do the best for their DC.

MojoMoon · 25/01/2022 17:55

She is in year 2 so surely past the point of having parents stay at parties and playdates anyway?

Just invite a child round for tea:

"Dear X, this is Your Name, DD"s mum. She has mentioned she enjoys playing with your child at school. Would your child like to come round for tea? I could collect them from school and you could pick up at 5pm."

Or
"I am planning to take take DD to the BigPark on Saturday. would your child like come? We can pick her up on the way and drop her back afterwards"

They aren't being cruel - they probably just have enough going on in the lives already to think "ooh, OP never comes to the park or talks to me, I better seek her out and befriend her in case she is secretly upset by never talking to us"

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/01/2022 17:57

That’s sad 😢

Did you have a party fir her in r&1.

Obv depending when birthday was. Screwed if March April

Message a few mums in a new group seeing if want to come fir a play at weekends

Often after school is rushed or too tired plus working parents and homework

Original poster

NewMum152 · 25/01/2022 18:00

I had a party for her in nursery and all kids came. We never had one invite back abs I just thought maybe the parents don’t do parties and DH convinced me I was the OTT weirdo who has parties snd others just have a cake at home with family only. I believed him till I found out there have been parties.

The nursery linked to school so not everyone in same class now but half are from nursery.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewMum152 · 25/01/2022 18:02

I have messaged many mums but they all reply along the lines of “would love to hun but very busy at work”. I wish I could post up the messages here so you could see but obviously too outing!

OP posts:

Glowtastic · 25/01/2022 18:06

@NewMum152

I have messaged many mums but they all reply along the lines of “would love to hun but very busy at work”. I wish I could post up the messages here so you could see but obviously too outing!

Maybe they are cliquey then. It wasn't like that too much when my DC were at primary and one or two mum's really made an effort to include everyone and make sure no one was left out.

I think join a club, dancing, swimming, gymnastics?

hopeishere · 25/01/2022 18:13

I think parties in the pandemic will have been hit or miss.

Are you inviting them after school? That is tricky for working parents. Can you face doing it at the weekend?

I absolutely loathed play dates. Luckily DS managed without them but there was definitely a group who did loads.

Ispini · 25/01/2022 18:14

Why don’t you try Beavers or Scouts? Both my girls got involved when we relocated to the UK after living abroad for years. My DH is a leader and they really enjoy the weekly meeting and the various camps throughout the year. Lots of like minded people and the kids are generally really enthusiastic and learn so many brilliant skills.

VenusClapTrap · 25/01/2022 18:17

I second the suggestion to get involved in volunteering. PTA events and cake sales are great occasions to get to know the other parents.

If you haven’t had a party since nursery and dd is now in year 2, that’s some time ago. Try again.

kavalkada · 25/01/2022 18:24

OP, I've been there and I know it is hard, but you have to keep on trying for your little girl.

I moved to another part of my country when I married and I had no friends. I was so happy when my son started daycare because I thought that was perfect way to meet friends.

I arranged playdates and they would come, but no one ever invited us back. I used to go with my boy to playground, and these mums would be nice, buit it was obvious they had friends and had no need for another one. I used to talk with them for a minute or two, but after that I was left alone. This lasted about two years.

One day there was a christmas party at daycare and we all came to see our kids. A man was there with his wife and he started talking to me. To say I was in shock is an understatment. He told me his son likes my son and invited us to a playdate at their home.

And we came, and I became a good friend with his wife and my son and her son are still friends to this day, 4 years later. We go to playground, cinema, theatre together. After that it became easier. I even became a friend with one of those former mums.

I just wanted to say that you never know when you'll click with a mum whose daughter is good friend of your daughter.

You sound lovely, and I know it is hard. But keep trying.

MojoMoon · 25/01/2022 18:25

It sounds like the mums think you are inviting them along too? If they are working then it is fair enough that they cannot drop that.

Ask again and specify you will pick up their kid from school/Drop them off etc

It's free childcare - would expect they'd be delighted you will take their kid for a few hours after school or on Saturday.

hettie · 25/01/2022 18:51

Ahh bloody hell the primary years (shudders). I defo didn't grasp that it was all about the parents. Baffled me why one particular mum was engineering so many social contacts for her ds ....turns he was the youngest of three and she knew the drill .. I was not that mum, not introverted but busy at work and not interested in PTA/clubs/reading levels/my kids popularity rating. Both DC now at secondary (thank fuckdid I mention I was also a bit too sweary) dc1 small grp of friends a 'nerd' not at all cool or popular very happy with this. DC2 a raving extrovert has ploughed their own path, slightly disappointed that we don't do camping/bbq's/family pub meals with 'the grp' (as it means DC misses out) but is accepting. We have an awesome relationship with them still hang out as a family (even teen dc1) and appear not to have suffered too badly from my social non compliance...

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/01/2022 18:53

Do people go to the park after school on Friday? It is the norm here and although I don't love it in Winter on my day off work, I nudge myself to bring DS at least for half an hour.

If they do this, go along this week. Chat to a few mums - it sounds like your daughter will make this easy by playing with their kids. Ask if they are going to Sing 2 this weekend, ask what they have planned for half term, ask if their girls are in the Brownies or Beavers, and which is better locally. General stuff, but it builds up relationships.

Original poster

NewMum152 · 25/01/2022 18:57

Thank you everyone. I think I just overdid it on the playdates invites! I just messaged all the friends DD says she’s plays with. Just awaiting responses now. I’ve had 2 back saying they have plans and that’s it no effort to say/suggest another day. I’m not gonna dwell just try to arrange some

OP posts:

NutCheeseBag · 25/01/2022 19:02

I worked full time when mine were in primary. My husband wfh (this was 20 years ago so very unusual). The only time my children were invited round the mum made a pass at my husband.

RedCandyApple · 25/01/2022 19:20

The only time my children were invited round the mum made a pass at my husband.

Runaway1 · 25/01/2022 19:27

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin

I feel so sorry for the children of this generation having to have their parents organise 'playdates'. It seems like the parents pick the friends. When we were kids we just went out and called for each other. Not a useful answer op, just nostalgia.

Completely agree. I really wish my dd had that freedom. The traffic here makes it impossible for her sadly.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 25/01/2022 19:54

She is in year 2 so surely past the point of having parents stay at parties and playdates anyway? Just invite a child round for tea:
"Dear X, this is Your Name, DD"s mum. She has mentioned she enjoys playing with your child at school. Would your child like to come round for tea? I could collect them from school and you could pick up at 5pm."

A lot of parents won’t let their child go for tea at a house where they don’t know the family, aren’t friends with the mum etc. I wouldn’t. I decline these sorts of invitations because I’m too tired to faff around with picking up from a stranger’s house, explaining DS is fussy with food, worrying if the family is nice, if they have a dog, if DS is ok, then having to have their child back.

"I am planning to take take DD to the BigPark on Saturday. would your child like come? We can pick her up on the way and drop her back afterwards"

Again I wouldn’t let a family I didn’t know we’ll take my child to the park without me. I don’t know they’d supervise her properly, or if she’d be ok with strangers.

An alternative might be to post on the WhatsApp group that you and DD are going to X park at X time on Saturday/a half term day if anyone fancies joining you there? Maybe nobody will come, but a few might. Then you can progress to coffee if there’s a cafe there, and get to know mums socially.

It’s true many mums are exhausted from work though, so I wouldn’t take it personally if they decline play dates or are busy with family at weekends.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/01/2022 19:58

@NewMum152

Then say what is a good date for you

I’m flexible as dd would really like your dd to come and play

I’m happy to collect from school and drop off or if a weekend date again happy to do the same from your home

winnieanddaisy · 25/01/2022 20:05

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin . I agree with you saying it was easier in the 60s and 70s my parents did not have to intervene with my friendship groups .
My best friend all through primary school lived a few doors away from me and we were even in the same class at school so played together in all the school holidays . Nobody had to arrange meetings between us . We ended up as a group of boys and girls that played hide and seek , go karts, ball games, skipping etc .
I do admit that parents of today feel that they can't give their children the freedom that we had in the 1950s . In some situations , thankfully , this type of life can still be done . When we moved into our present house my DGD was 5 and was enrolled into our local primary school . A month later it was her birthday and my DD sent invites to the whole class , DD entered our phone number on all the invites. One mum was surprised to see where we lived as she live about 200 yards away from us . I will admit we live in 2 joined cul de sacs with all the cars leaving early morning and not coming home till teatime . We also had minimal foot traffic because our close doesn't lead to anywhere. They mainly played in the street near our house and gradually were joined by four other girls . The mums all exchanged phone numbers so that they could keep track of which garden they were in. It worked fine . DGD is now 16 and goes to college but 2 of those girls still live in the same houses and are still best friends with her. I'm glad that she had so much freedom with her friends.

NotTheGrinchAgain · 25/01/2022 20:06

Are you sure your DD is as sociable as you think? Have you tried asking the class teacher if she has any special friends she likes to play with?

seekinglondonlife · 25/01/2022 20:06

Personally I wouldn't join the PTA etc for the sake of trying to get your dd friends. She sounds happy enough, you said she is popular at pick up time etc. Instead focus on outside of school activities - some schools are extremely cliquey- my youngests primary school had an impenetrable 'inner circle' of mums, and of course my ds was closest to these children. Try as I might we were never able to break in. It turned out the mums had all known each other from the same secondary school

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