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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To walk alone for 45mins at 8pm?

468 replies

imamumgetmeoutofhere · 24/01/2022 14:07

Just that really.

Told my DH I would be walking home from work tonight, finish 8pm.

It takes around 40-45mins. There are no busses at this time. He feels I should get a taxi, mainly due to the attacks on women that have been published in the media recently. I've said I can't justify the expense and am more than happy walking, usually do if it's daylight. We live in a holiday resort area but it's along 3 fairly busy main roads so won't be in any isolated areas.

He usually collects me but he has covid so can't collect me and I don't drive.

AIBU to think its fine to walk home at this time of the day in the dark or should I follow his advise and get a taxi and claw the cost back elsewhere?

OP posts:
ToykotoLosAngeles · 25/01/2022 16:25

Each to their own! I grew up on the Pennines on the edge of the moors and spent 20 years walking dogs up and down them. Seen one mountain, seen them all! I was responding to the strange question of how one "manages" to not walk alone in the woods.

sillysmiles · 25/01/2022 16:27

@Blossomtoes

So do you have to wait until you are with someone to go places like that?

Yes. There, that’s not difficult, is it?

It assumes you have a partner. If you live alone and own and a dog - then you get used to going places alone.
sillysmiles · 25/01/2022 16:30

I was responding to the strange question of how one "manages" to not walk alone in the woods.

It's a bit privileged to assume everyone woman has a partner to go to these paces with.

Blossomtoes · 25/01/2022 16:30

It assumes you have a partner

No it doesn’t. I have an adult son and a circle of friends.

HerculesMulligann · 25/01/2022 16:50

Maybe this doesn’t apply to you @Blossomtoes and some other posters, but I - and many other posters here - actively enjoy going for a walk or run alone. For me personally part of the pleasure of being outside is walking around with just my own thoughts for company. And doing this in both cities and more rural areas. And also doing this as and when it suits me - including after dark.

The idea that I’d need a (penis-owning!) chaperone in order to go for a walk is massively restricting and off putting. And also makes me concerned and furious that some women feel they need to live their lives in ways that - to me - feel more suited to Victorian times.

Blossomtoes · 25/01/2022 16:56

And also makes me concerned and furious that some women feel they need to live their lives in ways that - to me - feel more suited to Victorian times.

Why? It has absolutely no impact whatsoever on you. You can do whatever you like.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 25/01/2022 16:58

Did anyone specifically say they have to have a man with them?

BringMeTea · 25/01/2022 16:59

I would walk 100%. Can't believe how many people would restrict themselves like this. Mind you I suspect it is linked to most people driving and not really walking much at all.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 25/01/2022 16:59

I did a large area of quite rural Northern Ireland on foot with a friend, in all weathers/lighting. Not a penis in sight.

sillysmiles · 25/01/2022 17:07

@Blossomtoes you could suggest that from a societal point of view this attitude those have an impact

  1. there is that narrative that women should feel sacred to be out alone
  2. that women then to be accompanied
  3. that (like the OP's partner) men try to restrict when/where women can go - for well meaning reasons.
  4. less people out does make it more isolated for others.

On a personal level - you or anyone else not going out, has no impact on me - and I guess @HerculesMulligann too. But on a societal level it imposes soft restrictions on women's freedoms - where it stops becoming socially acceptable for women to do these things.
No one persons actions have these impacts, but it is at a societal level that these things impact - imo.

HerculesMulligann · 25/01/2022 17:15

@sillysmiles That’s exactly it. Personally it makes absolutely no difference to me if one random women never leaves her house alone, or after dark, or whatever. But it does make a difference to me, and to my teenage daughters for example, if there is a narrative as societal level that women cannot feel just as safe as men doing simple everyday activities.

theleafandnotthetree · 25/01/2022 18:12

[quote sillysmiles]@Blossomtoes you could suggest that from a societal point of view this attitude those have an impact

  1. there is that narrative that women should feel sacred to be out alone
  2. that women then to be accompanied
  3. that (like the OP's partner) men try to restrict when/where women can go - for well meaning reasons.
  4. less people out does make it more isolated for others.

On a personal level - you or anyone else not going out, has no impact on me - and I guess @HerculesMulligann too. But on a societal level it imposes soft restrictions on women's freedoms - where it stops becoming socially acceptable for women to do these things.
No one persons actions have these impacts, but it is at a societal level that these things impact - imo.[/quote]
Brilliantly put. We have to actively resist a narrative which then becomes culture/practice which then leads to worse outcomes for all.

theleafandnotthetree · 25/01/2022 18:20

@HerculesMulligann

Maybe this doesn’t apply to you *@Blossomtoes* and some other posters, but I - and many other posters here - actively enjoy going for a walk or run alone. For me personally part of the pleasure of being outside is walking around with just my own thoughts for company. And doing this in both cities and more rural areas. And also doing this as and when it suits me - including after dark.

The idea that I’d need a (penis-owning!) chaperone in order to go for a walk is massively restricting and off putting. And also makes me concerned and furious that some women feel they need to live their lives in ways that - to me - feel more suited to Victorian times.

This absolutely. I am seperared but in any case rarely walked with my then husband. I have plenty of friends who I can and do walk with and enjoy that. But some of the happiest times I have are walking in woods and up mountains on my own, it is 100% when I do my best thinking and planning. I have often gone up a mountain with a dilemma or problem and come down with it solved! I think some housework, gardening, repetitive jobs like painting can do similar but without the joys of nature, fresh air, new things to observe etc. You can go at your own pace, stop when and where you like, really notice the natural world and all sorts of things. I will always carve out that time to myself and nothing will get in the way of that.
ToykotoLosAngeles · 25/01/2022 18:22

Perhaps, rather than collect me from my friend's house when I was 18, and it was 3 miles in the dark, my mum should have told me to walk it in the name of women's freedoms and hung up.

Blossomtoes · 25/01/2022 18:28

@ToykotoLosAngeles

Perhaps, rather than collect me from my friend's house when I was 18, and it was 3 miles in the dark, my mum should have told me to walk it in the name of women's freedoms and hung up.
Exactly this. I’m not going to put myself in a position where I feel vulnerable to prove a point and it’s grossly unfair to ask me or any other woman to do it. We all pick our battles and this is one I’m not prepared to fight.
SGBK4682 · 25/01/2022 18:30

I would and often do, as long as it's well lit. The area we live in is fine but it is never 100% safe to be put anywhere, day or night. That's life!

When younger - 20s, 30s - I'd have been more worried late at night as it was drummed into me that wasn't safe as a woman alone, but that seems OTT to me now. Of course I am less visible to men but are there really weirdos looking to take advantage on every corner? My dds (late teens, early 20s) dont seem so bothered about it, though I prefer them not to be out alone.

BluebellsareBlue · 25/01/2022 18:33

I go for an hour to two hour walk at 730/8pm every night, down the beach path where there are no lights, however I do walk with a land shark aka a 45kg German shepherd. What no one knows is that he is an absolute scardy cat (dog) and would probably run off if someone came towards me.

I wouldn't be apprehensive if I was walking home alone without the dog at that time where there are street lights (not the non lit paths I go on with the dog) but It's a personal thing.

sillysmiles · 25/01/2022 18:36

Exactly this. I’m not going to put myself in a position where I feel vulnerable to prove a point and it’s grossly unfair to ask me or any other woman to do it. We all pick our battles and this is one I’m not prepared to fight.

Which is why I said No one persons actions have these impacts, but it is at a societal level that these things impact

DeeCeeCherry · 25/01/2022 19:01

Classica
What a thread. All these women quaking in their homes as soon as the sun sets

Horribly insensitive ridiculous comment. Its not a race to the bottom to prove you're harder than anyone else

Women aren't cowering away. But at this time if any woman is more wary then why take the piss?🙄

OP: its nice that your husband is looking out for you. Men know what other men can be like and they read the news too.

I dont cower away but if Im out late DP almost always picks me up. If not, I get a cab. I dont have any point whatsoever to prove re 'No thanks i'll go it alone'

I live in South London so obviously Im conscious 2 women have been tragically murdered during the evening + the 2 recent rapes at train stations. Its not as if any of these events occured late at night.

Id think the women felt perfectly safe. Sadly, they were not.

Aside from that, re this tracking service it wont be that long before some weirdo is drawn to it and that'll be another set of problems.

A similar service targeting men would be far more useful.

badlydrawncat · 25/01/2022 19:07

I was attacked and raped walking down a country lane to meet my boyfriend in 1972. I worked hard to get my courage back and have walked in the light or dark, country or town ever since. Obviously I do a small risk assessment first and there are places I wouldn't walk, but not many.
I routinely walk an hour's circular village to village walk anything up to 10:30pm and also say 'no' to going for a walk with my husband because I like walking in my own (I do love him and we do get on, promise!). There's only one place around here I wouldn't walk, that's an unlit narrow lane with no houses, and some woods at the end. And the only reason I won't walk there is that it's so dark I'm worried I'll fall in the ditch 😂

Member869894 · 25/01/2022 19:18

I would walk it. Chances of meeting a mad axeman are pretty remote

5128gap · 25/01/2022 19:19

@Classica

What a thread. All these women quaking in their homes as soon as the sun sets. I wouldn’t think twice about going out for a walk at 8pm in the winter. People saying ‘oh you mustn’t, because Sarah Everard’ what a dismal way to live your life.
Well going for a walk at 8pm in winter isn't everyone's idea of living the dream, so I'd hardly call women's lives dismal if they choose not to. I would choose not to, but resent the sneery dismissal of this choice and the implications I am weak, over dramatic, ignorant of risk and cowardly for it. I'm perfectly aware that my risk of rape and murder is low, but my risk of harassment and unwanted attention is high. It happens daily. It intimidates me, and its worse after dark. So, go ahead all the big brave girls, laugh at those of us who make different choices, rather than stopping to consider what experiences lead us to make them, and who is to blame for that. Perhaps some of the bravado could be replaced with empathy and a genuine desire to help women feel safe, rather than belittling those that don't.
Classica · 25/01/2022 19:23

Never considered that going for a walk at 8pm would be something that made me a 'big brave girl', but there ya go.

5128gap · 25/01/2022 19:33

@Classica

Never considered that going for a walk at 8pm would be something that made me a 'big brave girl', but there ya go.
The language in your post certainly suggests you see yourself as braver than the women who 'cower away'.
Classica · 25/01/2022 19:35

I don't feel brave, because it's something I've always done. But I do think there is a lot of unnecessary fear on this thread.