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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH work issue

302 replies

MaybeIABU · 24/01/2022 12:49

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I'd like a straw poll to check if I need to give my head a wobble. I don't want to go into the details of what DH does work-wise, it would be too outing.

DH has a piece of work that he has to do for a couple of months on a Sunday. He says that do to this he has to have complete silence, as he is on and off calls to important people. He needs us all off the broadband so that he has the full bandwidth for his work use. So me and the DC (aged 12 & 14) have to disconnect from WiFi, any devices that use the WiFi around the house are disconnected (Alexas, TV etc) Our house is quite small, so basically this means that he is downstairs for the 3 hours this takes and we have to stay upstairs with no WiFi and aren't allowed downstairs and need to keep really quiet.

He could go to his office which is half an hour away. There, he would be completely alone with no threat of interruption or noise etc full use of the internet and phones and general peace & quiet. He insists that I'm being very unfair asking him to go to the office when he could easily do it from home, if we adhere to his conditions, saying "it's just 3 hours on a Sunday evening". My argument is that it's THREE HOURS ON A SUNDAY EVENING!! For 8 weeks in a row. It's such a complete pain the arse and I'm sick of it. Yes, I could take the kids out for the few hours but where to on a Sunday evening? I suppose I just don't think it's fair that 3 of us are completely inconvenienced for 3 hours every Sunday when it could just be one person slightly inconvenienced (by having to travel, everything else he'd still have to do anyway)

So, AIBU to ask/expect him to go and do this work in his office every Sunday?

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 24/01/2022 14:52

@MananaTomorrow

If it was just the Wifi it would be fine, surely people can manage without internet access for a few hours once a week.

Have you tried to ask a 14yo to be wo Internet for 3 hours whilst being stick in the house with nothing else to do? Not even going downstairs and have dinner whilst ‘daddy is working hard not you know’?

No internet is one thing @MaybeIABU, but it’s the not going downstairs at all that is a huge issue

Exactly. If our internet was off limits for 3 hours on a Sunday ds would maybe do something like play the piano or watch TV (we only have a TV downstairs) or play some music
IntermittentParps · 24/01/2022 14:52

@MaybeIABU

He doesn't cycle or have any hobbies that impede our family life thankfully, but he is very obsessive about his work and this particular issue caused us to have a proper row last night when we never really row about anything (we were shouting at each other, we never do that) and it wasn't resolved, then I got up this morning and left for work. So it really needs to be discussed properly later this evening and I'm glad to see that IANBU in this instance.
I can't imagine what's going on in his head that means it's got to the point where he's shouting rather than agreeing to go to his office. Has he said why he doesn't want to do that? and has he actually understood the ramifications of what he's asking for?
JollyHolly30 · 24/01/2022 14:53

Tell him you refuse to be banished to the upstairs. That if you want a cup of tea you'll be boiling the kettle. Why is he not happy for you to be downstairs as long as you're quiet?

2DogsOnMySofa · 24/01/2022 14:53

Once in a blue moon, fine, every Sunday evening between 5.30 and 8.30 is ridiculous, it's your and your dc Sunday evening too. I like to prep some meals for the week ahead and then sit infront of the tv with the dc's, on a Sunday evening. The dc get their things ready for school. He's simply not being fair, expecting radio silence, especially if he can go into the office. He is definitely being unreasonable.

RobinPenguins · 24/01/2022 14:54

This isn’t compatible with family life. He has a perfect alternative - the office. He should use it.

Original poster
MaybeIABU · 24/01/2022 14:54

I maybe need to start a whole other thread about this, but my kids would absolutely not want to spend their sunday evening with their mum and sibling watching a DVD on a laptop!

OP posts:
ElectraBlue · 24/01/2022 14:57

He has an alternative (office nearby) and he should use it.

It would be fine if it was just a one-off event but he should not expect this every weekend...

It your home (and your kids') too, not a work space, so he should not expect everyone to have to alter their behaviour for his benefit like this.

ChimChimeny · 24/01/2022 14:57

Why don't you just watch a film on DVD together?

The one tv is in a room they aren't allowed to use Hmm

IntermittentParps · 24/01/2022 14:57

@Storminamu

I have some sympathy for him - driving to and spending 3 hours in the office on a Sunday evening really fucks up the weekend. It's grim, unless you love your workplace. Plus he'd presumably have to open up and lock up, and in the dark, which he may find slightly stressful. Plus driving when you don't need to isn't a great idea, and costs money too. I'd query why the rest of you are so dependent on the internet, having already had full use of it almost all weekend? Why don't you just watch a film on DVD together?
spending 3 hours in the office on a Sunday evening… it's grim, unless you love your workplace. He's a professional adult, he can suck it up.

Plus he'd presumably have to open up and lock up, and in the dark, which he may find slightly stressful. Hmm I'd be embarrassed if someone suggested I'd be 'stressed' about opening up and locking up at work.

I'd query why the rest of you are so dependent on the internet, having already had full use of it almost all weekend? Why don't you just watch a film on DVD together?
I'd query why people are so keen to put the boot in about the OP and kids needing/wanting the internet. Do you all think you're superior because you'd just love being without it?
What if it's needed for homework? Or watching telly/films? And just as to the point, why on earth should three people not have the option of using THEIR internet in THEIR home for three hours on an important evening for family time/downtime, for EIGHT weeks, because one professional adult might be going to shrivel and die in distress about going into an office (if he doesn't die of the horrors of opening the office door, that is).

Stokey · 24/01/2022 14:58

Why can't he work upstairs and the rest of you have downstairs to eat dinner and watch TV? Your husband is being very precious. Everyone is used to working from home and having family life going on in the background. We both work on quite high level stuff from home and people accept it.

Lipsandlashes · 24/01/2022 14:59

He is being selfish and unreasonable. Sometimes my DH has to work unsociable hours when he is particularly busy or it's month end. He just shuts himself away upstairs and gets on with it. We all do what we like downstairs - no bother. Is your internet really so slow that only one person can use it at a time? That is very unusual, or is it just another way for your husband to be an arse?

IntermittentParps · 24/01/2022 15:01

is it just another way for your husband to be an arse?
I think you just got to the heart of the issue Grin

Theworldisfullofgs · 24/01/2022 15:05

In reality what's happening is he's making it so you are all working on Sunday and he's not doing it alone.
A: he could move his set up upstairs for one session and you could get on with your lives
Or
B: he could go to the office.

Does he just not want to suffer alone?

GreenClock · 24/01/2022 15:07

I’d allow it a couple of times if he asked nicely. But eight times and with THAT attitude? Nope.

Shellingbynight · 24/01/2022 15:09

@MaybeIABU

He claims that if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't even think of asking me to do it, let alone actually ask me to (I have asked him to).
But you'd never ask him to sit in silent isolation not using the wifi, TV or kitchen - so the issue would never arise, and I suspect he knows that.

He's being unreasonable, he should drive to the office and work there.

Pipsquiggle · 24/01/2022 15:14

He's being a CF. He definitely should go to the office.

Why the hell should this project impinge on the whole household when there are better alternatives available i.e. going to his office.

I would actually think it would benefit him - not only better facilities & wifi - but also if he has to do video conferencing it will show he is a committed employee and an empathetic husband / father.

'Oh Dave, I see you're in the office......'
'Well it's just easier, the wifis better here and I am not impacting on my family's weekend down time on a Sunday evening'

cookiemonster2468 · 24/01/2022 15:15

For me it would be about his attitude more than anything.

I wouldn't actually mind doing it as I could read a book, watch a movie or use my phone hotspot to connect if I were desperate.

But if he'd assumed that I'd be OK with it without asking, that would annoy me, particuarly as he has the option of going into the office.

Your home is your home first and your office second - especially if a separate office space is available.

bevelino · 24/01/2022 15:17

How much wifi bandwidth does one person need. I would log on upstairs and see what happens. I imagine nothing and am sure the dh would not notice.

Aprilx · 24/01/2022 15:18

I would laugh at my husband if he told me to do that.

BlancheB · 24/01/2022 15:21

YANBU and you're not over reacting. He is being selfish and is a self important arse.

Tell him to get into the office to do it fgs. It's hardly a long commute.

diddl · 24/01/2022 15:23

Tell the selfish fucker to take himself upstairs so that you have the rest of the house.

If not, he needs to go to the office.

MrsTophamHat · 24/01/2022 15:24

Yanbu

Dacquoise · 24/01/2022 15:24

So three people's rest and relaxation on a Sunday is curtailed so that one person doesn't have to travel to his office? It's a no brainer isn't it?

JuergenSchwarzwald · 24/01/2022 15:26

If it was a one-off fine.

8 weeks on the trot? Not fine.

He can go to the office.

RantyAunty · 24/01/2022 15:29

He's being ridiculous.

He needs to go to the office.
Shouting and arguing until he gets his way is not on.