What does MN have against money poems?

[ThanksIGotItInMorrisons]

Reading another post this morning where OP mentioned a wedding invite had a money poem in it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable, given that now days many couples live together and have kids before they wed. I totally get that they maybe don’t want to make a wedding list at a store , and don’t want to end up with 5 toasters and 6 kettles etc. It’s hard to think of a gift for a couple who already have a home and everything in it... it’s much easier to give them £10, £20, whatever you can afford surely than buy something they probably already have? Personally I think it’s a nice polite way of saying this, IF you want to get them a gift. So what’s the reason that a lot of us on here think it’s the worst thing you can do? I honestly don’t understand ...
YABU it’s rude and cheeky
YANBU it makes perfect sense to me

I think they are no better than begging letters.
As for a poster saying guests get free drink and food, well quote right, it's a wedding reception.

They are crass. Thankfully I have never received a money poem.

We were too embarrassed to ask for anything. Parents and FIL wanted to get us something specific which we gratefully accepted.
We had all sorts of surprises on our wedding day, hand made things, things that were specially made, and money.
We didn't ask for anything because we live quite far away and people travelled. Fuel, accommodation and an outfit comes to a lot. Its enough time, money and effort for people to go to a wedding as it is.
We received a money poem for an evening do. The venue was 4 hours away. That amused me.

In fact, I don't really understand why getting married means you get gifts?

On the off chance that this is a serious question, it stems from the time when couples traditionally didn't live together before marrying and would therefore need things to fill and furnish their new marital home. Those days are obviously long behind us now for the majority of people, but it's still supposed to be a happy event and if you like someone, you might not mind spending a few bob on something nice for them on a special occasion. Well, I don't anyway, but I can't relate at all to the offence and horror expressed on MN about slightly crappy poems. I've never felt them to be a personal affront or anything important enough to change how I feel about someone dear to me.

MN is weird about weddings. I can’t think of another celebration that I could be invited to where I wouldn’t take a gift. I appreciate weddings have turned into major productions over the past couple of decades but it’s still essentially a party/celebration. If you spend a lot attending you don’t have to spend a lot on a gift, I doubt many would say anything to your face if they didn’t think it was enough and if they did they’re opening themselves up to looking like an arse.

Those days are obviously long behind us now for the majority of people, but it's still supposed to be a happy event and if you like someone, you might not mind spending a few bob on something nice for them on a special occasion.

I get the impression on here that the norm is barely tolerating the people who's wedding you're invited to and regarding it as an enormous imposition having to go. It certainly explains a lot.

The best request for a cash gift I had came from a couple who sent all the wedding invitees a photo of a grandfather clock they wanted - and asked guests if they wanted to give a present to add to the fund to buy the clock. Felt like i'd given them ( a small part of )what they really wanted, but it was also a 'thing' and not just frittered away

@bcc89

What it looks like people forget on these threads is that IT IS CUSTOM FOR WEDDING GUESTS TO GET YOU A PRESENT/GIVE YOU MONEY ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.

So obviously I knew my friends and family would want to get me something. For this reason, I let them know I'd prefer honeymoon spending money (without a weird poem though).

It's not grabby to tell someone what gift you'd prefer if they're going to be buying you a gift. It's pretty stupid to just hope you don't end up with a load of stuff you don't want.

Do you never tell your husband what you'd like for Christmas?

it used to be the custom only to wear white if the bride was a virgin and before that, the custom was to wear a best dress and not white at all, maybe not even bought for the occasion.....newsflash: customs change...PS yelling is rude.

I get the impression on here that the norm is barely tolerating the people who's wedding you're invited to and regarding it as an enormous imposition having to go. It certainly explains a lot.

If I didn’t like them, I wouldn’t attend the wedding. So no.

I love my family and friends that I’ve attended the weddings of, I just don’t think I should pay for it or for them to have a holiday afterwards. They’ve chosen to get married. Thankfully we all feel the same and pay for our own things that we’ve chosen to do.

We wrote 'We are fortunate enough to have all we need so a gift is not necessary. Your presence is our present' That was 12 years ago and I still laugh as it sounds almost as cringey as the please give up money poems.

I love my family and friends that I’ve attended the weddings of, I just don’t think I should pay for it or for them to have a holiday afterwards.

But if you love them, why wouldn't you want to give them something that they want and would bring them joy? Rather than a gift they probably neither want nor need?

I bet the first person to write the presence/present thing on their wedding invites was really pleased with themselves

But if you love them, why wouldn't you want to give them something that they want and would bring them joy? Rather than a gift they probably neither want nor need?

They didn’t expect anything. Not cash or present. They chose the wedding and honeymoon they wanted and could afford themselves. They had all lived together for years so had a house and everything that a home requires. Why would they expect their friend and family to pay for something they’ve chosen to do?

@DrSbaitso

In fact, I don't really understand why getting married means you get gifts?

On the off chance that this is a serious question, it stems from the time when couples traditionally didn't live together before marrying and would therefore need things to fill and furnish their new marital home. Those days are obviously long behind us now for the majority of people, but it's still supposed to be a happy event and if you like someone, you might not mind spending a few bob on something nice for them on a special occasion. Well, I don't anyway, but I can't relate at all to the offence and horror expressed on MN about slightly crappy poems. I've never felt them to be a personal affront or anything important enough to change how I feel about someone dear to me.

It was a serious question, like I said I've not been to many weddings and I was a child at most of the ones I have been to! I did think that it used to be for the reason you stated, I was just wondering why people still give gifts now, like you said those days are long behind us! Interesting to see which traditions people stick to when it comes to weddings!

I have to admit to being pretty cynical about weddings, I've been to I think 5 weddings and 3 of those couples are now divorced. The 4th wedding of those the couple are still together but I know that the wife cheated on the husband within the first year of their marriage. The 5th couple are still together but they hated each other before their ridiculous wedding and they still hate each other now, they go weeks without speaking to each other and "joke" about how they'd like to murder each other!

Other weddings I've not been to haven't ended well for the most part either. My parents divorced, maternal grandparents divorced, various aunts/uncles/cousins divorced, many of my friends growing up had divorced parents. My experience of marriage has been that the divorces outnumber the lasting, happy marriages by far.

I guess I just can't see weddings as being quite so special as people make them out to be. What's the point in celebrating and shelling out on gifts for something that will probably end in tears.

@HomeIsDogs

But if you love them, why wouldn't you want to give them something that they want and would bring them joy? Rather than a gift they probably neither want nor need?

They didn’t expect anything. Not cash or present. They chose the wedding and honeymoon they wanted and could afford themselves. They had all lived together for years so had a house and everything that a home requires. Why would they expect their friend and family to pay for something they’ve chosen to do?

Because it's a happy occasion and most of us get pressure from buying a gift for someone we like on a happy day for them?

I can't relate to this "why should I" mentality at all.

We said “no gifts expected” or something along those lines, there were no bad puns or anything. We were both in our late thirties and had high-earning jobs, and people were travelling a bit to the wedding, though it was in the UK, we acknowledged the cost involved for them in attending.

I was a bit surprised though that nobody overruled us and got a present anyway! I think we got one bottle of champagne. (This is lighthearted, if we had really wanted presents we would not have said we didn’t).

They didn’t expect anything. Not cash or present.

Sorry I thought we were talking about a couple who asked for honeymoon donations

Why would they expect their friend and family to pay for something they’ve chosen to do?

It's not that they expect it, but believe it not, some people actually want to mark the happy occasion of their friends getting married, with a gift that they know they'll enjoy and get something out of.

Putting it in a poem is a bit less grabby, it’s fun and friendly and no pressure. Ours said:

We thank you all family and friends for attending our wedding,
But we don’t need any bedding.
DH is over the moon to be a groom,
But we don’t need a broom!
DW is delighted on this day to be bride,
But we don’t need pans for food that is boiled or fried.
So here’s what we’re asking from you,
Some pennies but only a few.
For our honeymoon beckons
And here’s what we reckon,
Your dosh will help make it posh so thank you.

We did still get one toaster and a loo brush.

Until this thread and the other one about wedding invites including a money poem I’d never heard of it!
Tbh if someone made me feel like I HAD to give them money as a wedding gift I’d probably give them a tenner 😅

In certain cultures, money is expected at the wedding. In these cases I followed suit.
As a general rule, I don't go to weddings, always decline the invite - unless very close family or friends. The cost of attending is prohibitive in most cases, and money gifts I find offensive. If I give what I can afford and say that's £20 that might not cover the cost of the reception meal so in itself that's offensive.
You would have thought people would have stopped inviting me. Seems not.

The poems are naff and cringeworthy. I still think asking for money is tacky, so wouldn’t do it, but I don’t mind if people are honest and ask for honeymoon contributions etc.

Just don’t make it rhyme - it’s so twee!

@ImInStealthMode

We have a home already, and we're comfortable so don't want money. Instead we've asked guests that if they'd like to get us a gift we'd like a 'date night' for our first year of marriage. Could be a new board game & a bottle of wine, a restaurant or bar voucher, a bowling voucher etc.

All of our guests know us well so shouldn't be too tricky, and those we've mentioned it too already have been enthusiastic about it.

@ImInStealthMode best idea ever 👏👏👏

I hate the poems and was uncomfortable putting one in our invitations, even though it was suggested.

We had a small gift list that we gave specifically to family, as they wanted it. The rest we just didn't include anything - most of our gifts were cash, but a lot of people were travelling/staying overnight and I didn't want the expectation of having to give a gift.

Most people have been to weddings before. We always give cash gifts, usually £50-100 depending on how much spare money we have after the cost of attending a wedding (accommodation, travel etc). But the poems make me want to give a fiver.

It's not that they expect it, but believe it not, some people actually want to mark the happy occasion of their friends getting married, with a gift that they know they'll enjoy and get something out of.

If their wedding to the person they want to spend the rest of their life with isn’t enough for the couple, there’s a problem. They’ve chose to do it so they pay. I think gifts and cash are weird for a couple that have most likely in today’s world been together for ages, have everything for their house and have been on holidays together before. It’s hardly like the honeymoon is needed to get to know each other. Thankfully my family and friends all think the same. They would hate if I gave them money for their wedding.

I’m not at all mean, I give generously for children and have helped out a young family member with money towards getting their first home when circumstances meant they had to move out from their parents house. But a couple choosing to get married, no.

Ah...just remembered the money poem in the invitation to my brothers wedding. Destination wedding, 3 months notice.
Piss take. I got them a card, which was more than they got us! It was a push for most people to afford to go, so I thought asking for any sort of gift was ridiculous.