To be irritated by this wedding invite?

[JukEki]

We have been invited to two child free weddings, both in June. We are going to attend both and are pulling in favours for childcare. However I can’t pretend that I’m not mildly irritated by the wording in one of the invites!

One invite said “Unfortunately bearing in mind we have limited guest numbers we cannot accommodate everyone’s children however this is a golden opportunity for parents to enjoy a night of relaxation and uninhibited revelry!”

The second simply said ‘ Whilst we love your children please note this is an adult only occasion’

The first annoyed me as actually it’s not going to be relaxing for me in the slightest, it’s quite inconvenient and expensive to not be able to bring the children and I’m more likely to be hand expressing in the toilets than dancing on a table.
It is absolutely the couple’s prerogative to have the wedding they want including making a decision to have no children- just own it and say so instead of dancing around it and pretending it’s a night off for me.

Happy to be told I’m unreasonable- first also contained a money poem which may be biasing me 😂

@BlondeDogLady not really less stressful if you're having to fork out £100 plus for an all day babysitter or rush back early morning to relieve tired DGPs.
The couple to be can and should only invite who they want, but dressing up their choices as a favour to attendees is a bit off.

I married 23 years ago, second time for both of us, had originally booked Gretna Green, quiet Wedding, just us and the DKs. I wouldnt' be offended/upset by the invites, have seen children running up Church isles, screaming etc. I don't like people requesting money, no matter how it is dressed up. I don't like the fact that people put a present list in with the invite, think it's damn rude, although it appears to be the norm. I put sorry in view of space, we were unable to invite children,. They came they ruined the Wedding. I even ende up arranging my best friend's adult son to baby sit them and a bouncy Castle at my house, which was only 12 miles away. No-one used him. I didn't even get to sit next to my DH at the reception meal, hisDB sat one side, their kids the other, they refused to move, I ended up sitting on the last table at the end. My DGS ruined the photos, by jumping in on them and messing about on the steps

I don't like wording like this because it makes it sound like they don't appreciate the extra effort it takes to organise a kid free trip and that if you decline you are the awkward ones. I was invited once to such a wedding. It was abroad and would have cost us over £3000 to attend and involved a three hour drive on top of the travel to the location to drop our kids (one of whom was still breastfeeding) with grandparents. The couple were lovely but just didn't understand the amount of extra work and cost of would have been foe us toc or being the kids, and a bit offended when we declined. But what can you do.

There's no need for the pretentious wording, all any of these types of invitations need to say is

"Unfortunately we are unable to extend this invitation to children, we hope you can make arrangements to be able attend but we do understand if it won't be possible"

It makes it clear for everyone and there shouldn't be any awkward questions about adding kids on.

If the couple really desperately wants someone to attend they will allow their kids to if they can't make arrangements. If their desire for no kids or their financial situation means absolutely no kids under any circumstances then they have to accept that will make it impossible for some people.

I read the options and I didn’t know which one you were upset about.

Unfortunately bearing in mind we have limited guest numbers we cannot accommodate everyone’s children

That sound better than anything. Politer than option 2 but it didn’t need the next part to it about the uninhibited revelry.

Those things are automatic declines for me. I get not wanting 50 kids of your mates and having to consider costs just don't pretend it's because you want me to let my hair down. If you really cared about me having an opportunity to let my hair down you'd offer to babysit at a time when it suits me

I hate the concept of a child-free wedding. To me weddings should be a joyous occasion enjoyed by young and old, not exclusive and stiff. The wording is awful and patronising. And the poem is dreadful. Terribly vulgar to ask for money imo!

Yanbu.

It is absolutely the couple’s prerogative to have the wedding they want including making a decision to have no children- just own it and say so instead of dancing around it and pretending it’s a night off for me.

I agree with you on this.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing how many is ‘loads’ of children? We were the last of our friends to get married and I’m one of the youngest cousins. My cousins alone have 28 children. Our friends have circa 30 between them. So if we had invited children it would’ve been 60 children at the wedding which to me would be insane. I don’t think we were unreasonable to say no children and to not want 60 children at our wedding and our guests to spend the whole time running round trying to discipline their kids and stop them from causing havoc.

I disagree about all parents preferring to bring their children too. That seems to be a very ‘mumsnet’ thing. I had two friends with babies under one and I said to them separately if it was too difficult for childcare their children were welcome as they were essentially babies and both said no they’d prefer to get childcare and have a night out. When I called hotel after the invites went out to check if any rooms had been book there first couple to book in literally the day the invites went out were friends of ours with 4 children. Clearly they were looking forward to a night out with all their friends.

I hate the concept of a child-free wedding. To me weddings should be a joyous occasion enjoyed by young and old, not exclusive and stiff.

Child free weddings do not have to be exclusive and stiff.

I was married over 20 years ago. We didn't care what other people thought weddings should be (family occasions flowing with ankle biters). We had organised a nice day in a local stately home, followed by an upmarket evening meal. Wording invitations was a nightmare to be honest, I can't remember exactly what they said but it worked. Nephews and nieces - two of them - came for the afternoon but not the evening. This means that SIL and BIL said they couldn't come in the evening and were in a bit of a huff but it was their choice.
We didn't need anything as presents, we'd been living together and already combined two households. So we said something along the lines of - please don't worry about presents, just come along and enjoy the day. People brought us presents and it was a real shame. Sitting opening a pile of stuff we didn't want or need and composing thank you cards. We were wishing that they'd just sent the money instead, it was such a waste. So although those poems are clunky I completely sympathise.

The only reason child free weddings are a thing in this country, is because of babies/children ruining the wedding vows and speeches.

I genuinely don't think it is anything to do with the cost per head of having them at the wedding breakfast ( but I'm happy to be proved wrong on that )

Take that away, and I am sure kids would be more than welcome.

If a parent could be guaranteed to do the right thing and take their child out if they become disruptive, then all is good. Sadly too many parents enjoy their little prince or princess being centre of attention and upstaging the bride and groom.

Two weddings spring to mind with this, one a little boy in a kilt running up and down the aisle and trying to get the brides attention during the ceremony ( Oh how cute..not ). The second a 4/5 year old talking loudly and arguing with siblings during emotional speeches , meaning several tables never heard a word of them.

We got a load of crystal vases and bowls from older relatives and friends, such a shame that people had spent money and effort picking them as they went straight to the charity shop.
I'm more than happy to be given a list of asked to give money, I'd rather give something the couple wants. I hate naff poems though.

To the people that are saying - cost of childcare - surely there must be options:

• family - can they help?
• just one of you attends? If they're old / good friends you will know other people there and the bride and groom should be empathetic.
• I personally wouldn't spend over and above normal baby sitting to go to a wedding

I remember going to a wedding 12 weeks after my DC was born (old school friend). My DH stayed at home. I went and had a whale of a time - just pumped and dumped.

But weddings are boring for children.

I did have children at my wedding, I provided colouring packs, puzzles and games.
But it was still long and boring for them, and that is why I think child free weddings are better - nothing to do with the bride and groom or parents - everything to do with the children’s pov.

I genuinely don't think it is anything to do with the cost per head of having them at the wedding breakfast ( but I'm happy to be proved wrong on that )

Did you miss I would have needed to invite fifty kids? That would have been a much bigger venue without even thinking about the cost of the meal. You’re mad if you think it’s not a factor.

@Flickflak

Maybe in the UK weddings are during the day?

I’m also a parent that would leave my children at home for a wedding, unless it genuinely was child friendly

Yes UK weddings are typically daytime kicking off after 11.00 -2.00pm for the ceremony although they tend to go on until midnight or later. You may well leave your children at home but that assumes you have someone to take care of them and you’re not breastfeeding? I don’t have relatives nearby that could babysit for me.

I think the rise of child free weddings is a generational thing. I’m in my 50’s and have never been to one or invited to one. I never heard of destination weddings either or stag & hen events that went abroad and cost ££££ until recently. ( last 10 years) I think couples have an over inflated sense of how much of a priority their wedding is to everyone else.

While i do agree with you that the wording on the invite is a bit smarmy. However on the concept of childfree weddings being terrible,
was actually discussed this last night with a few friends and my sister, about 10 women and i was the only one with no children out of them all. Here in Ireland restrictions have been completely lifted and we were all talking about weddings coming up, all of them had weddings, not one of them had their children invited to them and no it didn't cause outrage. They all agreed weddings are not a place for children. Here in Ireland weddings are huge events, before Covid wouldn't be uncommon for me to be invited to 5 or 10 a year . I can count on one hand how many weddings that i have been to, that children were at and if they were at them, more than likely were the bride and grooms children. Just decline the invite if you cant go

@WhatNoRaisins

Those things are automatic declines for me. I get not wanting 50 kids of your mates and having to consider costs just don't pretend it's because you want me to let my hair down. If you really cared about me having an opportunity to let my hair down you'd offer to babysit at a time when it suits me

I, I, I, me, me, me….thing about weddings is it’s not about you! It’s about the bride and groom and what they want.

@PurpleDaisies

I genuinely don't think it is anything to do with the cost per head of having them at the wedding breakfast ( but I'm happy to be proved wrong on that )

Did you miss I would have needed to invite fifty kids? That would have been a much bigger venue without even thinking about the cost of the meal. You’re mad if you think it’s not a factor.

We're wedding planning and did all our numbers and assumed costs based on the families we wanted there.

We were chuffed when we realised kids are half price at most venues.

I'd rather exclude more distant relatives than not invite my best friends children.

@Bitzandbobsbitzandbobs

The only reason child free weddings are a thing in this country, is because of babies/children ruining the wedding vows and speeches.

I genuinely don't think it is anything to do with the cost per head of having them at the wedding breakfast ( but I'm happy to be proved wrong on that )

Take that away, and I am sure kids would be more than welcome.

If a parent could be guaranteed to do the right thing and take their child out if they become disruptive, then all is good. Sadly too many parents enjoy their little prince or princess being centre of attention and upstaging the bride and groom.

Two weddings spring to mind with this, one a little boy in a kilt running up and down the aisle and trying to get the brides attention during the ceremony ( Oh how cute..not ). The second a 4/5 year old talking loudly and arguing with siblings during emotional speeches , meaning several tables never heard a word of them.

It really isn't. I don't care about a baby crying. Siblings squabbling. Most parents are pretty good at removing them.

It''s about headcount and how many people you can fit in your venue and/or what you can afford.

A highchair is the same footprint of an adult chair. If you have a vast space - no issues. At my wedding we could only invite 60 people due to space. If we'd invited everyone's child, there would have been 15 children. A quarter of our guests would have been children! Yet people who we had known all our lives and are really important to us wouldn't have been invited

When we sent our wedding invitations we wanted to put something like 'bring your children or not, we don't mind either way,' but there was no way to word it without it sounding like we would prefer one way or the other, so we just named the children on the invites and left it. In total we now have two babies and eight children out of the sixteen we invited. Of the declines, only one of them messaged me to say, 'do you really want the children there? Because we'd rather not bring them...'

I was very conscious of this because my mum had received a wedding invite worded as in the OP and taken offence when her children are 32 and 34!!

I'm running into this issue now. A cousin is getting married (they're in another country so abroad to us). No kids allowed BUT there is a family BBQ the next day where they can come to. The Elder members of the family all want the kids there and are putting pressure to get the kids to attend but then have absolutely no solutions when it comes to where to put the kids on the one day they're not invited.

I don't like the wording either

Starting to think it’s a mumsnet thing where parents are outraged at the idea their little darlings are the bride and grooms most favourite and revered guests at the wedding plus the inability to be apart from their children at all and zero desire to inconvenience themselves in any way for their friends to have the wedding they want on their special day.

I’m like @Wexone also Irish and children are just not invited. Everyone manages to attend anyway instead of sulking and refusing to go like posters here. The sky hasn’t fallen in yet from parents going to a child free weddings.

I don't mind child free, that's up to them and I can decide if it works for me.

I do mind being told it's for my own convenience and benefit

I do mind those toe curling money poems.

Are you sure you actually want to be friends with these people?