To be irritated by this wedding invite?

[JukEki]

We have been invited to two child free weddings, both in June. We are going to attend both and are pulling in favours for childcare. However I can’t pretend that I’m not mildly irritated by the wording in one of the invites!

One invite said “Unfortunately bearing in mind we have limited guest numbers we cannot accommodate everyone’s children however this is a golden opportunity for parents to enjoy a night of relaxation and uninhibited revelry!”

The second simply said ‘ Whilst we love your children please note this is an adult only occasion’

The first annoyed me as actually it’s not going to be relaxing for me in the slightest, it’s quite inconvenient and expensive to not be able to bring the children and I’m more likely to be hand expressing in the toilets than dancing on a table.
It is absolutely the couple’s prerogative to have the wedding they want including making a decision to have no children- just own it and say so instead of dancing around it and pretending it’s a night off for me.

Happy to be told I’m unreasonable- first also contained a money poem which may be biasing me 😂

'Certain type'. So who would that be then? Everyone has a right to have a wedding (that is costing them far more than you) of their choosing. No one has to accept an invite. Most people find other people's children irritating. I know I do and love and prefer child free weddings

Errrr...... I think it's quite clear from your post that you are the certain type pp was referring to

Kids at a wedding are a pain in the backside. People with kids at a wedding are a massive bore. Weddings with people with kids at them are dire as 80% of the attendees sod off at 7.30 to put shouty Tristan and sulking Tabitha to bed. Kids cost a fucking fortune to feed and rarely eat it, they are bored and annoyed and take up the space an actual friend might have taken.

I don't know why people have weddings with kids. I haven't been to one with kids in years.

Agree the twee statements are crap though. Just say 'invitees only' and don't include the kids. They'll get the message

YABU to be annoyed by the wording

I've not been to many weddings where parents choose to bring their kids, with all saying it's a nice change to have some drinks and enjoy their evening.

Just because you don't fit this bill doesn't mean other parents don't.

We married 20 years ago and had a child free wedding.
Graphista's examples remind me why. The DC being the centre of attention. A few people left early due to childcare issues. No problem with that at all.
No regrets.

YANBU. It's like when the council reduce the bin collections and make the letter they send you sound like they are helping you.

YANBU

We had one of these. The invitation also instructed us to ‘splash out’ and stay the night at the venue.

Everyone knows that first invitation is just trying to avoid saying one or more of…
A) we can’t afford to pay for loads of children
B) we don’t have space for loads of children
C) we just don’t want children there

None of those are wrong. I agree the wording of the second invitation is better but really, it’s not exactly a big problem.

I had a child free wedding because I don't like children apart from my sisters kids.

It's an invitation not a summons.

If I ever get married it'll 100% be a child-free party and would probably word the invite like the second example. The first is too twee and doing too much (and the money poem is unspeakable).

Having said that I've seen threads where invites like the second are criticised for being too terse and stern. But you can't please everyone; and I doubt I'm friends with anyone who'd throw a hissy fit over a child-free wedding or the wording of an invite, anyway. Anyone I'd invite to my hypothetical wedding already knows with 100% certainty it would be child-free.

@aristotlesdeathray

YABU to be annoyed by the wording

I've not been to many weddings where parents choose to bring their kids, with all saying it's a nice change to have some drinks and enjoy their evening.

Just because you don't fit this bill doesn't mean other parents don't.

Some people not wanting to take their children doesn't mean you're doing anyone a massive favour by telling them their kids aren't invited.

If you don't want children there/can't afford it, whatever, that's fine. But if you're not inviting children it's for your own benefit, not the benefit of your guests who are capable of making their own decision.

Some people not wanting to take their children doesn't mean you're doing anyone a massive favour by telling them their kids aren't invited.

Nobody actually thinks that. They’re just trying not to say “please don’t bring your kids because we really don’t want them there”. It’s clumsy. It’s also a pretty well established thing to put on a wedding invitation.

@PurpleDaisies

Some people not wanting to take their children doesn't mean you're doing anyone a massive favour by telling them their kids aren't invited.

Nobody actually thinks that. They’re just trying not to say “please don’t bring your kids because we really don’t want them there”. It’s clumsy. It’s also a pretty well established thing to put on a wedding invitation.

The PP I was quoting who's telling the OP they're unreasonable was suggesting that.

@About10thusername

Mumsnet is so odd sometimes! It's obviously written to be funny. Your friends just want you to enjoy a night away from your kids. And guess what, most parents would love an opportunity to let their hair down and party with old friends as they would pre-kids. It's it's too much hassle or if you want to be miserable about it, don't go.

@About10thusername

I think most parents would prefer to make that choice for themselves

[quote JukEki]@BadLad

Our life together has already begun,
We have almost everything under the sun.
If you should wish to buy us a gift,
A little extra money would give us a lift.
But most importantly, we request,
You share our day as our wedding guest.
Now that we’ve saved you any fuss,
We can’t wait for you to celebrate with us![/quote]
I think that is rather nicely put.

We spoke about this with our wedding planner and she said 50% of people will be over the moon at a child free night and the other half will grumble about it.

Our venue only holds 100 people so we have family children only. Otherwise we would have had to only invite half of our friends to accommodate children.

I think nowadays kids are not always invited as there could be loads and weddings are expensive

This was it for me - well, not even so much the expense aspect, just the numbers. I planned a ‘child free’ wedding (although had a tiny family-only Covid wedding in the end so it never actually played out in reality) and it wasn’t because I actively didn’t want kids there. It was because our venue had an absolute maximum capacity of 100 seated for dinner and if we’d invited all the kids they would have taken up a quarter of that. Much as I love them all, I had adult friends I wanted there more.

When I went to weddings in my mid-twenties there would often be a few kids there and it was lovely. But if you get married in your late 30s and half of your friends have got multiple kids then it’s a whole different story.

I did try really really hard not to offend people. I didn’t just rely on a note in the invite, I spoke to every parent individually and explained the situation and asked whether they would be ok with it. I also made exceptions for ‘babes in arms’. I am genuinely horrified at the stories of women being expected to leave weeks-old babies at home and express in the toilets mid-wedding!

For the one or two people travelling from out of town (almost everyone was local) who had kids I made it clear that we could make an exception for them if childcare was a problem. I don’t think anyone had any issues but I can’t remember now.

I did have a few friends say how much they love child-free weddings and couldn’t wait to leave the kids at home. I also had a few who were clearly disappointed but understood the situation. I would have never presumed to tell them how to feel either way and I cringe at those invites which say ‘we want you to have a chance to enjoy yourselves!’ because that’s really not your place to decide!

I just hate the assumption that people having child-free weddings must hate children and/or be really self absorbed. Sometimes it really is a logistical thing and people try their very best to do it in a sensitive way!

I can honestly say hand on heart I've never heard of people expecting to bring children to weddings until I came onto MN. It's just not a thing here unless it's immediate family or the bridal party or the child is specifically invited but no one I know would get a wedding invitation and even think that their children are invited or even wonder about it. It just isn't a thing. I had a big wedding and not one person asked could their children come nor did I need to specify that they couldn't come. It actually wouldn't have bothered me at all if people wanted to bring a child due to lack of childcare. I'm in Ireland and would have a large family and the children thing never comes up. In saying that I can't attend a lot of things due to lack of childcare and I'd much rather see children included a bit more ,

I entirely get why you are bridling at the wording in the first one. And the poem is pretty cringey. However, taken together, it sounds like you and the first couple probably are on different wavelengths re sense of humour, outlook on life, maybe even educational level, and as a result you probably aren’t that close to them? Maybe someone who is a relative rather than a friend? That may be at the root of it. If I am very close to someone and really want to be there to celebrate their happiness then I can easily overlook any nonsense like that (and I agree fully it is ill thought-through and patronising).

I always wonder when these threads start because for me my children have never been invited to a wedding unless it was a close family relative. They’ve never been to a friends wedding ever. Suits me fine! Taking kids to a wedding is hard work. It’s a long day, lots of prep, lots of waiting around and a late night filled with drunk adults. They’d rather be at home!

I got married in England but I grew up in Spain. A child free wedding would have been unthinkable. I find it very rude, just like inviting the wife but excluding the husband. You can either afford to invite them all, or you don't invite any

I dislike twee poems and childfree notes on invites but I can understand why some people put them on - if the bride and groom don't want children at their wedding (as is their right on their special day that they will be paying a lot of money for) then it's really difficult to find a polite but explicit way of saying "Don't bring your kids" - if you are too direct then people get offended but if you're too waffle-y then you risk people not getting the message that children are not invited - so I'll forgive a twee comment for the sake of clarity and presentation.

Additionally, the day is not about the guests, it's about the bride and groom. Yes they should take into account their guests and accommodate them as much as possible but at the end of the day a wedding is intended to be about the happy couple and they should be allowed to decide who they have in attendance at their own party and if that means they want no children then they can make that request and guests can accept or decline the invite based on whether or not they are willing to accept those terms.

I have been invited to a fair few weddings where DD was not invited and I have just accepted or declined based on the logistics of getting someone to look after her - if I was a local wedding of a friend, where I could ask a family member to look after DD then I would accept immediately; if it was a destination wedding of an extended family member where my regular childcare would all be in attendance and it would cost me a lot of money to make it work, I would politely decline and I'd the bride and groom had an issue with that then that is their problem to deal with - an invitation is a request not a summons.

Particularly as a couple of guests did bring their toddlers along on the day in the end.

I think that's the height of rudeness to bring a child that has explicitly not been invited to a wedding - if you can't get childcare, you say "Sorry, we can't come" you don't just rock up with your child!

@JustLyra
That's really sad and also idiotic of your cousin. She caused the trouble. What a shame.

I'm currently trying to word invites and it's hard! We are having all the kids at ours though and it's an overnight job due to location (which will on the most part be fine for all our friends/ family). I couldn't imagine having a child free wedding, doesn't seem right. I'm having a large kids area with activity packs and space hoppers or something like that to keep them entertained until dinner.
However I have put I one of them poems and now given these comments it's getting deleted! What should I put instead? we really don't want gifts other than money towards the honeymoon tbh. Last couple of weddings I've been to did this and noone thought it was rude or anything.

I don’t like the wording of the first one but we too will be having a child free wedding. Mainly because it’s too expensive and all of the weddings I’ve been to where they’ve been taken over by kids have been awful and I don’t want my day based around other peoples children.

We’ve spoken in detail about this and realise some people won’t come and that’s fine. It’s the way it is. As they say it’s an invite not a summons and there’s nobody we would expect to come and nobody who would refuse to come on the kids basis that could make us change our mind.

An adults only invite to a family occasions is a token invite, they want to invite but to not have you there. Everyone has to cut their cloth. Why go if it's going to be stressful for you? Just decline.