To be irritated by this wedding invite?

[JukEki]

We have been invited to two child free weddings, both in June. We are going to attend both and are pulling in favours for childcare. However I can’t pretend that I’m not mildly irritated by the wording in one of the invites!

One invite said “Unfortunately bearing in mind we have limited guest numbers we cannot accommodate everyone’s children however this is a golden opportunity for parents to enjoy a night of relaxation and uninhibited revelry!”

The second simply said ‘ Whilst we love your children please note this is an adult only occasion’

The first annoyed me as actually it’s not going to be relaxing for me in the slightest, it’s quite inconvenient and expensive to not be able to bring the children and I’m more likely to be hand expressing in the toilets than dancing on a table.
It is absolutely the couple’s prerogative to have the wedding they want including making a decision to have no children- just own it and say so instead of dancing around it and pretending it’s a night off for me.

Happy to be told I’m unreasonable- first also contained a money poem which may be biasing me 😂

@RobotValkyrie

Sending someone an invite while implicitly insulting their kids isn't exactly the height of politeness, yeah.

It's already bad enough saying your kids (= for most parents, the most important person in their life) aren't welcome. But assuming that you can't wait to get away from them is just crass and tone-deaf.

Best wedding I've been too included a couple of child entertainers, and an entire room dedicated to keeping the kid's occupied (TV, board games, comfy sofas, etc.) while the adults had the bar/dance floor to themselves. Win-win all-round.

Not extending an invite to a couple's children is a 'personal insult' to them now. MN is the best. It was probably a great wedding for you as the children were kept well out of your way!

Weddings are such a pain. Half the reason I didn't have one was because I couldn't afford to entertain and feed the increasing number of children on my side of the family. My family don't live near me so suggesting they leave kids with a babysitter for a few hours wasn't an option.

@RobotValkyrie

Sending someone an invite while implicitly insulting their kids isn't exactly the height of politeness, yeah.

It's already bad enough saying your kids (= for most parents, the most important person in their life) aren't welcome. But assuming that you can't wait to get away from them is just crass and tone-deaf.

Best wedding I've been too included a couple of child entertainers, and an entire room dedicated to keeping the kid's occupied (TV, board games, comfy sofas, etc.) while the adults had the bar/dance floor to themselves. Win-win all-round.

But the kids aren't welcome. How else do you want them to say it? They can be blunt or twee. Or would you rather the couple don't get to invite their friends to make space for your child?

Say they only have the funds or capacity for 50 guests. Once you add up 2 people's close friends and family you'll have a couple spaces left at best. So how do they decide which of their friends can bring kids? If everyone can bring kids then suddenly you don't have space for those closest to you. Each child invited is an adult uninvited, and as wonderful as your kids are, they aren't friends of the bride and groom.

Their wedding day is not about you, nor is it about your kids.

The question of having children at weddings/having a child free wedding is really broad. Weddings vary so wildly that the level of compromise involved is different in each case.

For example, I have recently posted on MN asking for advice on how to write my guest list for my small, weekday evening wedding in my garden. Several people have suggested I don't invite children of my friends. That could work for my particular friends - I live in London and all friends are local enough to get the tube here quickly from work. My friends with children are also people who often get babysitters for events and parties, so this would likely be no different. In my case I'm trying to figure out who to invite with limited space, and only one toilet! So no children could be practical, and shouldn't hugely inconvenience my specific friends. However, if I were having a ceremony on a desert island and said no children to friends with tiny children who would have no choice but to spend loads, leave half the family at home or some other nonsense, that would be different. I'd be making it difficult for many people to attend

But to respond to the OP, I agree that wording is annoying the second is better.

I have been to a wedding at which children had their own entertainment separately after the food.

It isn't problem to not invite children and people don't have to accept the invitation, especially if the wedding is far away. Or they can make an excuse, they will be away at that time or something like.

We are just sorting the invite list for our wedding and originally I was pretty happy to have kids there. However we are in our late 30s and some of the last of our friends to get married. When we added up the kids there would have been 47 for 100 adults, basically adding 50% to the guest list. Not only was it not feasible space wise
But having so many under 5s would just totally change the feeling of the day so sadly we have had to restrict it to our nieces and nephews and babes in arms only.

We have however asked people to reach out to us if it's an issue so we can see what we can do. It's a compromise that I hope works for most people but I understand that it might make things tricky.

When my sister got married 10+ years ago at a younger age she only had 8 kids to invite. It's just difficult getting married later in life but most of our friends whose kids we are excluding have already had their days and not had to deal with this problem. The alternative would have been to cut some friends entirely because we don't have space for their kids which seems harsh as we want them there and have enjoyed their weddings in the past.

We had a child free wedding because we couldn't afford (number or money wise) to have everyone's children there. I regretted this after having my own children and next time will invite all ppls kids
Wouldn't have dreamed of trying to convince guests it was for their own good

@Babdoc

I wonder if the problem these days is that couples marry much later than they used to. In the old days, when late teens/early twenties got married, v few of their friends would already have children, so it was just the relatives’ kids who had to be invited. Nowadays, perhaps the majority of their friends would have multiple offspring. Secondly, weddings now seem to be much more “performative” - there is pressure for that perfect video, pics on social media, everything is about creating an impression, rather than a chaotic happy celebration with unscripted wailing kids and drunken old uncles etc! I think perhaps Hello mag has a lot to answer for in taking the fun out and substituting one upmanship in cost and presentation.

This Exactly this

@cupofdecaf

I'm with you OP. I've a family wedding coming up. They wanted one of our DC but not the other. All our babysitters will be at the wedding. What do they think I'm going to do with the breastfeeding baby for 24 hours whilst I stay away over night for their wedding? When I raised it I was told they wanted to give me a bit of time off? But not only would I be stressing about the baby that was elsewhere I'd still have the other DC with me because they are invited. That's not a rest.

Don't go. Say thanks but no, have and baby. Good luck on your wedding xx Save yourself the effort on the people that don't really understand you can't leave bc baby behind.

I wouldn't be upset by it. It's more than likely a numbers thing than a genuine dislike of children or trying to enforce you leaving kids with a babysitter.

I could only have 120 guests at mine and children were included in the headcount. It would have ended up with us having more kids than adults at mine if I invited guests plus all their children and they would have all have left by 8pm too and that's not what I wanted!

I can't get worked about it. I would just assume that as they are having a kid free wedding, they don't have any themselves , and therefore know what a pain it is to try and arrange childcare or manage BF when at this type of event.

They just know they don't want kids there as they cost alot of £££ and may ruin their day by screaming. Just decide if you want to go or not.

@RobotValkyrie

Sending someone an invite while implicitly insulting their kids isn't exactly the height of politeness, yeah.

It's already bad enough saying your kids (= for most parents, the most important person in their life) aren't welcome. But assuming that you can't wait to get away from them is just crass and tone-deaf.

Best wedding I've been too included a couple of child entertainers, and an entire room dedicated to keeping the kid's occupied (TV, board games, comfy sofas, etc.) while the adults had the bar/dance floor to themselves. Win-win all-round.

You’re just a guest and it’s just an invite. Try to pull your head out of your own backside on this one. It’s not an insult unless you’re determined to make it one. You can go or not.

We didn’t have kids at our small wedding…couldn’t afford to pay for them and have friends as well. Your kids aren’t the most important people in the couple’s life and it’s kind of their wedding….

I think anyone getting annoyed by the first is way too sensitive. I’d take it in the spirit it’s intended.

So would I. Wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest.

Yes, it's taken from the "wedding playback" website (copy and paste into Google).

This has gone into every trash paper 😳 I hope you're friend doesn't see it as it will be quite putting as you pump in the toilet

I think they’re just trying to make it less awkward. I am sure if you spoke to them you could bring a child that needs breast feeding. Personally I wouldn’t enjoy a wedding as much if I brought my young child and he wouldn’t either!

Guestvillas are so funny.
An invite is not an order.
Yes, I want to go. No the kids are not invited, can I get childcare to cover this event. NO.
WOW SHOCK HORROR . YOU REGRETFULLY DECLINE THE INVITE.
When you gave birth the cord was cut, so IT IS POSSIBLE to not take a child somewhere.

@venusmay

About 20 years ago child free weddings were unheard of. I find the idea annoying, it's really hard finding childcare for most people. It would really annoy me if the wording of the invitation gave the impression they were doing me a favour by making it adults only.

I got married in 2001 - it was a child free wedding.

And those saying, wait until they have their own, I still don't have any because I don't enjoy their company.

What are they supposed to say, though? I do get why you find it irritating, but there's no nice way to tell people they don't want their kids there!

If it's such an inconvenience, politely decline and say you can't get childcare on that date.

I had a child free wedding 14 years ago - and a money poem too!

If people could attend, lovely. If they couldn’t, no big deal. It was DH’s and my day, we wanted to celebrate with what made us happy.

I also don’t particularly enjoy being around young children. I’m a teacher - secondary! - and love teens. Younger children, nope.

@Cam2020

What are they supposed to say, though? I do get why you find it irritating, but there's no nice way to tell people they don't want their kids there!

If it's such an inconvenience, politely decline and say you can't get childcare on that date.

The OP gave an example - the second one - of a non-annoying way to say it, it's right there!

Well, if this thread has cleared up anything, it’s that no one can ever call childfree people the selfish one’s ever again!

I feel like about half the people responding didn't actually read the OP! She didn't ask whether they were unreasonable to have a child-free wedding, she very clearly said they aren't:
It is absolutely the couple’s prerogative to have the wedding they want including making a decision to have no children- just own it and say so instead of dancing around it and pretending it’s a night off for me.

@HardbackWriter

I feel like about half the people responding didn't actually read the OP! She didn't ask whether they were unreasonable to have a child-free wedding, she very clearly said they aren't: It is absolutely the couple’s prerogative to have the wedding they want including making a decision to have no children- just own it and say so instead of dancing around it and pretending it’s a night off for me.

On long, emotive threads like this people end up responding to other previous posters