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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who would you invite to this christening?

103 replies

Baldric · 23/01/2022 17:52

NC because this is really outing. I’ll try and be brief, but there’s a long backstory!

Been best friends with A since primary school, did everything together and 30 years later she’s still my closest friend. When we were in college, she and my brother started dating. Originally I wasn’t thrilled, but it actually worked out great since she was already part of my family. They got married ten years ago and although she wanted kids, he didn’t so they decided not to have them.
During lockdown, she discovered that my brother had a 2 year old. He’d cheated on her, got the woman pregnant and they were seeing each other regularly so he could spend time with the child. When we locked down, he had to make a choice and decided to confess to her, and maintain contact with his child (the only thing he’s done in all of this that could be considered even slightly redeemable). I think A would have considered a reconciliation but when he moved out, my brother moved in with the other woman (B). So that was the end of their marriage.

A and I have managed to stay friends by agreeing to never discuss him with her, or her with him. While they were breaking up, they obviously discussed each other with me, but I never share the details of their lives with the other one.

So now (thank you if you’ve read this far!) is my dilemma! I had a child just before covid hit. He was due to be Christened and I’d asked my brother and A to be the Godparents. After the breakup, A said she couldn’t possibly be in the same room as him. Luckily covid came along and everything got put on the back burner. Except its been two years nearly and I want to get my child christened. A won’t come if B and my nephew are there. I don’t want to have the christening without my nephew. I don’t think my brother would come without B, but I hate the idea of rubbing A’s face in their happy little family. I’ve told my brother what a dick he is for causing all this, but it doesn’t change the difficult position I’m in? I feel like if i invite them all, then friend won’t come and I’ll have basically fired her as Godmother. But I need to invite my brother and family, so I have to invite B which feels like a betrayal?

OP posts:

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 23/01/2022 17:56

You don't need to invite your brother. This is a mess of his making. Invite your friend and have her as godmother. Your brother can suck up the consequences of his actions.

Idontevenknow · 23/01/2022 17:58

I'd invite your brother, nephew, but not his partner

Blinkingheckythump · 23/01/2022 17:59

Invite both, make them aware the others invited. Let them make their own choice

yourestandingonmyneck · 23/01/2022 18:02

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

You don't need to invite your brother. This is a mess of his making. Invite your friend and have her as godmother. Your brother can suck up the consequences of his actions.

It's a tough one but I would be inclined to agree with this.

Mumdiva99 · 23/01/2022 18:09

Invite them all. Tell them the others are invited. Then it's down to them. If they can't suck it up for your child then they shouldn't be the god parents. I do sympathise with your friend - so don't hold it against her if she won't come.

GrapefruitPink · 23/01/2022 18:11

@Blinkingheckythump

Invite both, make them aware the others invited. Let them make their own choice

I would do this. Let them make the decision for you.

domesticslattern · 23/01/2022 18:13

Erm, isn't a godparent meant to be a good role model, providing moral and spiritual guidance as a child grows up in the church community? I think that might give you your answer.

LocalHobo · 23/01/2022 18:15

Not only would I not invite my brother I think I would rarely see him again. I hope your friend, A, has not lost all chance of becoming a Mum.

Sally872 · 23/01/2022 18:16

Speak to your brother and hopefully he will volunteer not to come.

TruffleShuffles · 23/01/2022 18:16

I wouldn’t invite your brother, but then after the mess he caused I wouldn’t have asked him to be the godfather to my child either.

AmyandPhilipfan · 23/01/2022 18:17

Best friends for 30 years? She’s practically your sister - invite her and tell your brother he’s a dick and not welcome.

CraftyGin · 23/01/2022 18:18

Are they Christian?

Thinkbiglittleone · 23/01/2022 18:21

The main person to me in this situation would be my best friend so firstly she's coming no matter what so brother, if you also want to attend with my nephew you can, but not with your bit on the side, so if you can't leave her at home, you are opting out of being godparent to your niece/nephew.

Any decent man, after everything would just leave the other woman at home for this one occasion, if he can't do that, I really wouldn't want him as god parent to my child anyway, family or not.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 23/01/2022 18:21

I’d also invite them all and tell them that.

IncompleteSenten · 23/01/2022 18:27

I'd pick her.

I know he's your brother but fucking hell!

The child she wanted but he didn't, he had with a woman he was fucking behind her back and she didn't get to have the child she would have loved. He's a twat. I'd choose her every day of the week.

QuestionsorComments · 23/01/2022 18:31

I don't think you can invite your brother and not his current partner, that will be the worst of all worlds you'll end up upsetting everyone.

Have A as Godmother and don't invite your brother. He has to know there would be consequences of his actions.

Honeyroar · 23/01/2022 18:44

I’d have A as godmother and not invite him if you genuinely want A as godmother. If you really believe in god parents then she’d be morally better, surely? If your brother grumbles say his actions have caused this ravine in the family. He has already hurt A once and you’re not going to push A away because of his shitty behaviour. Tell him you love him but are pretty ashamed of him and that’s going to take a while to fade.

Original poster

Baldric · 23/01/2022 18:52

Thanks everyone for the advice so far. I know he’s a dick, but he’s my brother and we are really close. I don’t see how I can have the christening and not invite him? I like the idea of inviting them both and telling them both, and letting them decide, but I’m worried A won’t come if she’s put in that position?

OP posts:

GrapefruitPink · 23/01/2022 18:54

Then sadly you'd have to respect her decision.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/01/2022 18:55

He's your baby's uncle already; why does he need to be made a godfather too? Especially when he's treated his own wife like such a shit.

Be prepared for neither of them to want to come. Ii think it's a really bad decision on your part when you know the situation and shit he's caused A.

Strictly1 · 23/01/2022 18:56

Actions have consequences- if he's got anything about him he will graciously decline the invitation.

OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 18:56

I think you're going to have to invite your brother and his family. Christenings are usually family gatherings. Then ask for a private ceremony for friend A if the godparenting is important to you.

Hopefully they won't both be required to provide spiritual guidance in the same room.

BABAHOTEL · 23/01/2022 18:57

@Blinkingheckythump

Invite both, make them aware the others invited. Let them make their own choice

I agree with this, if you start choosing you'll do it for evermore.

Your brothers behaviour was awful, but relationships do break up.

BABAHOTEL · 23/01/2022 18:57

@Baldric

Which is her decision. I don't blame her but it is her decision not yours.

Rightshoardingsaurus · 23/01/2022 19:00

I would invite A and not your brother. You would be a very disloyal friend otherwise. Your brother did an incredibly shitty thing, so why should A suffer!

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