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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who would you invite to this christening?

103 replies

Baldric · 23/01/2022 17:52

NC because this is really outing. I’ll try and be brief, but there’s a long backstory!

Been best friends with A since primary school, did everything together and 30 years later she’s still my closest friend. When we were in college, she and my brother started dating. Originally I wasn’t thrilled, but it actually worked out great since she was already part of my family. They got married ten years ago and although she wanted kids, he didn’t so they decided not to have them.
During lockdown, she discovered that my brother had a 2 year old. He’d cheated on her, got the woman pregnant and they were seeing each other regularly so he could spend time with the child. When we locked down, he had to make a choice and decided to confess to her, and maintain contact with his child (the only thing he’s done in all of this that could be considered even slightly redeemable). I think A would have considered a reconciliation but when he moved out, my brother moved in with the other woman (B). So that was the end of their marriage.

A and I have managed to stay friends by agreeing to never discuss him with her, or her with him. While they were breaking up, they obviously discussed each other with me, but I never share the details of their lives with the other one.

So now (thank you if you’ve read this far!) is my dilemma! I had a child just before covid hit. He was due to be Christened and I’d asked my brother and A to be the Godparents. After the breakup, A said she couldn’t possibly be in the same room as him. Luckily covid came along and everything got put on the back burner. Except its been two years nearly and I want to get my child christened. A won’t come if B and my nephew are there. I don’t want to have the christening without my nephew. I don’t think my brother would come without B, but I hate the idea of rubbing A’s face in their happy little family. I’ve told my brother what a dick he is for causing all this, but it doesn’t change the difficult position I’m in? I feel like if i invite them all, then friend won’t come and I’ll have basically fired her as Godmother. But I need to invite my brother and family, so I have to invite B which feels like a betrayal?

OP posts:

TheNoodlesIncident · 26/01/2022 10:14

I would have a small gathering, with parents, grandparents and godparents only, so that your friend can attend without the concern that your brother, who has treated her so badly, will be there. Naturally because of the family connections there will be times when they might be expected to be at the same event, but this is one where that need not happen. If you invite your brother as well as A, you are telling her that his presence trumps hers, which is not the message you want to give if you want her to be a godparent and remain your friend. I understand you are close to your brother but he has chosen to behave very very badly and deliberately cause a lot of pain to people. Because of that, his choices will continue to have an effect on your family.

Have you asked yourself that if lockdown hadn't happened, would he still be concealing the existence of his child from everyone and continuing his affair with B whilst telling A he doesn't want children? His behaviour is despicable.

You should be sparing more concern about A's feelings, she does not merit being left out in the cold so that the person who has made her unhappy is honoured with an invitation. It's not right.

appleturnovers · 26/01/2022 10:26

We Christened our baby during lockdown, so we were only able to have our own mothers there, not even my dad or our siblings could come. Even one of the godparents ended up not being able to come and had to have a proxy at the ceremony! But we'd already put it off for so long, thinking "oh, in a few months this will all be over" only to find ourselves in a new lockdown, and my DH is very religious so it was important to him to just get it done.

So, all of that is just to say that, IMO, it's not a massive deal if some close family can't come.

In your shoes, I'd invite A to the christening and have her as godmother, then if you have a second child it'll be brother's turn to come to the Christening, since the situation is your brother's doing.

Personally, in your shoes, I would:

greenlynx · 26/01/2022 10:37

I think there are 2 questions: being a godparent and being invited. I think you need choose godparents for your child whom you trust and it’s not your brother for sure. I would tell him that you are not comfortable with him being a godparent anymore as your friend will be another one ( no need to tell him that he’s a dick if you don’t want to) However you have to invite your brother and your nephew for christening. They are close family and it will be wrong not to invite them.

How big will be the christening and how much B is involved in family gatherings at this stage?

TimsTelephoneManners · 26/01/2022 10:49

@IncompleteSenten

How about godparents and grandparents (and you and your husband obviously) only at the christening itself then a gathering afterwards.

Your friend could attend the ceremony and be godmothers and your brother could attend the gathering and you could arrange something celebratory for you and your friend at a later date if she didn't want to go back for the gathering after the service?

I don't think your brother has shown himself to have the moral character needed for an actual godparent but like you say, he's your brother and I'm sure your friend understands that it is hard for you.

You've nailed it.

Throckmorton · 26/01/2022 10:51

Of course you can exclude him! She's like sister to you, and a decent person - you should prioritise her over a brother who has behaved appallingly. I'm pretty sure the bible has stuff to say on the importance of morals!

LaBellina · 26/01/2022 10:57

Your brother is the one who has caused all this mess so I think in your case, I would invite my friend but not him.
Let her be the godmother. I wouldn’t ask him as a godfather after he has proven himself to have very questionable morals.

MrsTimRiggins · 26/01/2022 11:01

I’d invite both, and let them decide what to do. Realistically it’s all you can do.
You could go down the route of having friend there for the ceremony to ensure she still gets to be godmother and demoting your brother to guest only at the after do. I can’t say I’d want someone of such questionable moral judgement as godfather anyway (not to mention, personally I always think it’s utterly pointless having family members as godparents seeing as they are already family etc, but to each their own)

Cofifeefee · 26/01/2022 11:23

I don't think you can invite both because then you're forcing your friend to back out of being a godmother and she will feel like she has been made to be the baddie.

However if she is godmother, won't this be a problem for every birthday party and religious celebration for your child because you'll be stuck between inviting his godmother or his uncle and cousin. Presumably your child will be close to his cousin if you are close to your brother and they are close in age.

For that reason (maintaining your child's relationship with his cousin) I would tell your friend that you are sorry but your brother will be at the Christening and you understand if she can't attend.

St0rmTr00per · 26/01/2022 11:25

I feel your brother should be the one not to come. However none of this is your nephews fault so he should come. But obviously due to his age this would be hard. Could you sit down with brother and partner and explain the situation? He created this and, as a woman, she should understand (this is assuming she did not know he had a wife when she slept with him). Maybe your parents could bring DNephew?

However how will you move forward with your DCs birthday parties and large life events for yourself? Maybe others are right and its time to just invite everyone and whoever comes, comes. If they dont then clearly their (justified) hatred for the other person is stronger than their love for you and your son.

LindaEllen · 26/01/2022 11:28

You invite everyone who you want to invite. If they don't want to come because of who else is going to be there, that's their shout. It's sad if they can't tolerate being in the same room for long enough to be at a Christening.

The situation between them is not your concern, it's up to them how they handle their invites. You shouldn't have to leave your close friend out, or your brother - and it would certainly cause problems not to invite his partner.

Trisolaris · 26/01/2022 11:34

In this case I would invite A and not your brother. If it was a case of them just not getting along or a normal breakup or if you were a child of divorced parents who didn’t get on I would say differently and invite them both.

But in this case your friend is clearly the wronged party and you can invite them both, knowing she won’t attend if you do but you are sending a clear statement to her that it doesn’t matter if people hurt her, you won’t stand by her and prioritise her when it matters.

inappropriateraspberry · 26/01/2022 11:51

I'd invite them both, but have neither as godparents. Make sure they know of the possibility of the other person coming. It's up to them if they come or not. Don't be upset if they don't come, it's not to do with you and you just have to respect their decisions.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 26/01/2022 11:54

I've been in a scarily similar situation quite recently (could you be me in the past? Am I a future you?)

I ended up inviting both parties. I explained the situation that everyone was invited as the celebration was about our family unit and despite what's happened, they are both important to our family unit.

It did work out for us, everyone came, friend had a plus one so they had someone to vent to and distract them after a few drinks.

I'd hope for your sake they can agree to be civil if they do have to interact otherwise avoid each other. If they genuinely don't feel like they can do this, then they can choose to not come. You clearly understand why either party may decline so as long as you don't hold it against them they both relationships can continue

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2022 12:26

I would invite whichever one you still plan on using as godparent. Neither of them are stupid, they know you still have a relationship with both so shouldn't be upset if you say "sorry but A/B is coming, I understand if you don't want to come."

Don't be that person and invite your brother and nephew but not his partner though (if you are inviting other people's partners), that would make you a right twat.

Gardengates · 26/01/2022 12:34

I'm not a Christian, but surely a godparent is supposed to offer Christian moral and spiritual guidance to your child?

I wouldn't choose your brother to provide that for my kid considering how badly he has behaved and is continuing to behave.

A can still be a godparent even if she doesn't attend. She can have a proxy to stand for her.

Just remember though, that this isn't just the Christening. You are going to have to manage this issue permanently and your child will inherit this situation where his godparent and uncle can't stand each other.

mugoftea456 · 26/01/2022 13:50

I would invite the friend. Your brother is a knob. But I do respect his marginally for being stepping up and being a father

CurzonDax · 26/01/2022 14:10

Poor A - why should she be punished for your brother's actions? It's punishment enough for her knowing that he now has everything that he denied her. She already knows and feels this, so why should she have to see it too?

welshdaisy · 26/01/2022 14:21

So basically it's how your brother feels? You said if you don't invite his side piece then he won't come... I feel so sorry for your friend. I get the situation you're in is difficult and he's your brother but you're being unfair really. I personally couldn't invite the other woman. Your friend is practically your sister.. If you invite them all then you have to respect her decision if she chooses not to attend. Poor lady and she deserves so much better.

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2022 14:25

@welshdaisy

It's really unhealthy to feel you couldn't invite the harlot OW, but still be fine inviting the brother.

DearFrutti · 26/01/2022 14:31

I can’t believe that after how your brother treated your friend you are also ready to shit on her.
Maybe it’ll be good for her to get away from your toxic family.

OnlyAFleshWound · 26/01/2022 14:34

@Baldric

Thanks everyone for the advice so far. I know he’s a dick, but he’s my brother and we are really close. I don’t see how I can have the christening and not invite him? I like the idea of inviting them both and telling them both, and letting them decide, but I’m worried A won’t come if she’s put in that position?

Effectively then you are choosing him.

He doesn't sound fit to be a godparent, not remotely.

MaggieFS · 26/01/2022 14:35

Of course you can exclude him and it wouldn't take a genius to understand why given his ex wife is a godparent.

This is a special day for your child. Turning it into a family social occasion isn't the priority. Your brother should be able to understand this.

I think it's a huge credit to your friend that she's been able to maintain the friendship with you despite your brother's behaviour. He isn't suitable as a godparent so doesn't need to be at the christening. It doesn't mean he can't play a role in your DC's life, but just not this one.

Wnkingawalrus · 26/01/2022 14:38

I’ve never understood having family as godparents. Family will always be there, having people outside the family is a lovely way to foster close relationships between your child and close friends and help ensure they last.

On that basis I would ditch your brother.

HomeIsDogs · 26/01/2022 14:50

I would invite my friend and not my brother and his other woman.

Your friend is completely innocent in this and it sounds like she’s been a good friend to you for many, many years. Your brother on the other hand had been a cunt to you, as he knew what shagging around behind his wife's back would do to her and you, as her best friend. Your brother didn’t care less about you, only thinking of his own selfish wants.

To be honest, I would very much distance myself from a brother who was so selfish and thoughtless. I hope your friend is doing ok.

ChampagneLassie · 26/01/2022 14:59

Why don't you discuss with your brother? He's the one who has created this problem and you say you're "close" as your religious I presume you have some moral view on his actions. I'd hope he'd do the honourable thing and suggest you invite A have her as godmother and that as he is uncle and family him and his family will be involved in your childs' life in any case?

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