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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who would you invite to this christening?

103 replies

Baldric · 23/01/2022 17:52

NC because this is really outing. I’ll try and be brief, but there’s a long backstory!

Been best friends with A since primary school, did everything together and 30 years later she’s still my closest friend. When we were in college, she and my brother started dating. Originally I wasn’t thrilled, but it actually worked out great since she was already part of my family. They got married ten years ago and although she wanted kids, he didn’t so they decided not to have them.
During lockdown, she discovered that my brother had a 2 year old. He’d cheated on her, got the woman pregnant and they were seeing each other regularly so he could spend time with the child. When we locked down, he had to make a choice and decided to confess to her, and maintain contact with his child (the only thing he’s done in all of this that could be considered even slightly redeemable). I think A would have considered a reconciliation but when he moved out, my brother moved in with the other woman (B). So that was the end of their marriage.

A and I have managed to stay friends by agreeing to never discuss him with her, or her with him. While they were breaking up, they obviously discussed each other with me, but I never share the details of their lives with the other one.

So now (thank you if you’ve read this far!) is my dilemma! I had a child just before covid hit. He was due to be Christened and I’d asked my brother and A to be the Godparents. After the breakup, A said she couldn’t possibly be in the same room as him. Luckily covid came along and everything got put on the back burner. Except its been two years nearly and I want to get my child christened. A won’t come if B and my nephew are there. I don’t want to have the christening without my nephew. I don’t think my brother would come without B, but I hate the idea of rubbing A’s face in their happy little family. I’ve told my brother what a dick he is for causing all this, but it doesn’t change the difficult position I’m in? I feel like if i invite them all, then friend won’t come and I’ll have basically fired her as Godmother. But I need to invite my brother and family, so I have to invite B which feels like a betrayal?

OP posts:

Bobbins36 · 23/01/2022 19:01

@Idontevenknow

I'd invite your brother, nephew, but not his partner

This 100%

Frazzled2207 · 23/01/2022 19:05

I think they both should be grown up enough to be civil so I’d invite both of them and let them make their own decisions

That said after what happened I don’t think your brother is really godfather material. Uncle will be enough.

AmyandPhilipfan · 23/01/2022 19:16

I don’t know how you can stay close to your brother after this. I would absolutely pick my friend. I would stay civil with my brother and see him at family events that naturally didn’t include her but for events where I would want her present I would always invite her and I would tell my brother this is how life will be from now on. He made his decisions - now he has to live with the consequences.

OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 19:31

Actually is your brother eligible to be a godparent? His own morals seem a little lacking

user1493494961 · 23/01/2022 19:41

I would invite your friend to be Godmother, I agree with a pp that your brother isn't a suitable role model to be a Godparent and wouldn't invite him.

Gonnagetgoing · 23/01/2022 19:45

Sorry but in this case I’d invite your friend not brother as he’s behaved diabolically. No matter how close you are to him he’s behaved so badly to your best friend.

Elbie79 · 23/01/2022 19:46

Choosing to invite both means choosing to exclude A because you know she won't come.

Don't be that person that lets a bloke get away with being so terrible and the woman suffer the consequences.

2pinkginsplease · 23/01/2022 19:47

I'm this case I'd be inviting my friend and my brother wouldnt be getting an invite. He isnt exactly the best role model for a Godfather and I would explain this to him.

Gonnagetgoing · 23/01/2022 19:47

And no way make your brother godfather uncle is fine. If you choose to have more kids and he behaves much better (with a huge sincere apology to his ex wife) then I’d maybe consider making him a godfather in future.

Thinkbiglittleone · 23/01/2022 19:48

I can't help but think it's a complete cop out saying if you invited them both then it's her decision not to come. She is protecting herself from the pain your brother caused, so no choice at all really, just giving yourself an easy way out.

If I were your friend and you didn't stand in my corner on this one, not against your brother as I would understand he was family so of course he would be invited, but to invite the other woman, I would be heartbroken and question our friendship.

BornIn78 · 23/01/2022 19:52

Your brother is quite possibly the least suitable godparent you could choose.

As a PP said, inviting your brother is basically excluding A and you know this.

So please don’t put it on her that it’s her decision not to come.

It’s your decision and you know it, so at least have the decency to own it and acknowledge it to A.

Looneytune253 · 23/01/2022 19:55

Sorry but I think she needs to suck it up for this day. This is not about her. Invite the people that you want to invite, if she doesn't show she's not a good friend. You can't not invite your brother and nephew. I wouldn't invite the other woman tho.

BringYourOwnBoris · 23/01/2022 19:56

Sorry but I'd invite my friend, who after 30years is as close to being a sister as you can have.
Your brother is an arse and she has suffered enough because of him. To have him as a Godparent makes a mockery of the whole baptism. Make a stand and stick up for your "sister".

Coconutmeg · 23/01/2022 20:11

What DomesticSlattern said

3scape · 23/01/2022 20:30

I'd not have a baptism, so my heathen opinion might not appeak. But your brother burned all the bridges, didn't he?!

I wouldn't invite the cause of the storm along. I'd invite the dependable, loyal, friend and not the Jeremy Kyle cast. Good luck!

IncompleteSenten · 23/01/2022 20:36

@Baldric

Thanks everyone for the advice so far. I know he’s a dick, but he’s my brother and we are really close. I don’t see how I can have the christening and not invite him? I like the idea of inviting them both and telling them both, and letting them decide, but I’m worried A won’t come if she’s put in that position?

Of course she won't come. Would you? To see your ex with the woman he cheated on you with and the child he didn't want to have with you?

Are you religious? Is this an actual faith christening with godparents who will fulfil this duty or is it just a 'this is what you do' thing? Because unless I was actually doing it for my faith I'd seriously consider giving the whole thing a miss rather than have to put people in that situation.

GreetingsAndSalutations · 23/01/2022 20:37

Your poor friend! I get that you and your cunt of a brother are close and he will always be your brother, but fuck me that’s a fucking massive betrayal! I agree with others btw, why the hell would you want such a cheating, lying callous bastard as a godfather for your child?!

Thinkbiglittleone · 23/01/2022 20:40

If this is a religious ceremony and you are in a moral dilemma, seek advice from your priest, I'm sure they will very quickly and clearly educate you on the right choice for a godparent.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/01/2022 20:44

Look there is no way to navigate this.
The reality is you cannot have your brother and A as godparents.

He totally fucked her over it will never be okay.

Ultimately, you do need to pick one for the purposes of the christening.

Personally...
I'd keep her and get another male godparent.
I would invite him as a guest but be clear it's him and nephew only to the christening and tell him to hang out at the back, stay away from her and piss off early doors.

The alternate is you pick him and cut her loose.

That poor, poor woman... your DB is a prize arsehole

Frazzled2207 · 23/01/2022 20:45

I actually agree with @IncompleteSenten perhaps consider cancelling the whole thing unless it’s very important to you.

I have been to an awful lot of Christenings lately where neither parent was religious but Christenings are the “done thing” round here so most people have one.
I actually am religious but my dh is not so we just didn’t have one.

Kite22 · 23/01/2022 21:02

Sorry but I think she needs to suck it up for this day.

It won't just be this day though, will it. If they are both Godparents, then EVERY important day in OP's dc's life will mean they would be invited.

I am inclined to agree with everyone with the principle of inviting your friend and not your brother BUT that means you are causing ructions in your own family forevermore.
Would you friend agree to be Godmother if your brother wasn't, and your brother just came and sat in the Congregation ? That in itself would be sending a pretty clear message to others about you supporting your friend, but wouldn't be quite as alienating as banning him from the service altogether, and she needn't speak to him or have any contact with him ?

Original poster

Baldric · 23/01/2022 21:03

For those asking, I am religious so yeah it’s important. I don’t necessarily want him as a Godfather anymore, but I can’t exclude him from the event?

OP posts:

BABAHOTEL · 23/01/2022 21:07

@Baldric

For those asking, I am religious so yeah it’s important. I don’t necessarily want him as a Godfather anymore, but I can’t exclude him from the event?

If you exclude him, you'll also be excluding your nephew and your child's cousin and uncle.

I think no to godfather, but still invite.

IncompleteSenten · 23/01/2022 21:11

How about godparents and grandparents (and you and your husband obviously) only at the christening itself then a gathering afterwards.

Your friend could attend the ceremony and be godmothers and your brother could attend the gathering and you could arrange something celebratory for you and your friend at a later date if she didn't want to go back for the gathering after the service?

I don't think your brother has shown himself to have the moral character needed for an actual godparent but like you say, he's your brother and I'm sure your friend understands that it is hard for you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/01/2022 21:20

I don’t necessarily want him as a Godfather anymore, but I can’t exclude him from the event?

Just ask him to respect A and your wishes and stay in the background. But you need to warn her that he'll be attending. Then she can make her own mind up.

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