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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who would you invite to this christening?

103 replies

Baldric · 23/01/2022 17:52

NC because this is really outing. I’ll try and be brief, but there’s a long backstory!

Been best friends with A since primary school, did everything together and 30 years later she’s still my closest friend. When we were in college, she and my brother started dating. Originally I wasn’t thrilled, but it actually worked out great since she was already part of my family. They got married ten years ago and although she wanted kids, he didn’t so they decided not to have them.
During lockdown, she discovered that my brother had a 2 year old. He’d cheated on her, got the woman pregnant and they were seeing each other regularly so he could spend time with the child. When we locked down, he had to make a choice and decided to confess to her, and maintain contact with his child (the only thing he’s done in all of this that could be considered even slightly redeemable). I think A would have considered a reconciliation but when he moved out, my brother moved in with the other woman (B). So that was the end of their marriage.

A and I have managed to stay friends by agreeing to never discuss him with her, or her with him. While they were breaking up, they obviously discussed each other with me, but I never share the details of their lives with the other one.

So now (thank you if you’ve read this far!) is my dilemma! I had a child just before covid hit. He was due to be Christened and I’d asked my brother and A to be the Godparents. After the breakup, A said she couldn’t possibly be in the same room as him. Luckily covid came along and everything got put on the back burner. Except its been two years nearly and I want to get my child christened. A won’t come if B and my nephew are there. I don’t want to have the christening without my nephew. I don’t think my brother would come without B, but I hate the idea of rubbing A’s face in their happy little family. I’ve told my brother what a dick he is for causing all this, but it doesn’t change the difficult position I’m in? I feel like if i invite them all, then friend won’t come and I’ll have basically fired her as Godmother. But I need to invite my brother and family, so I have to invite B which feels like a betrayal?

OP posts:

monotonousmum · 23/01/2022 21:23

In situations where I know certain people won't get along/won't attend if the other is going, I invite all. Tell them you've invited everyone, you'd like them to be there but understand if they can't be. It's up to them - don't be the one taking sides. No one will thank you for it.

Isahlo · 23/01/2022 21:24

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

You don't need to invite your brother. This is a mess of his making. Invite your friend and have her as godmother. Your brother can suck up the consequences of his actions.

This. You really don’t need to invite your brother. This is all his fault, and he has had his cake and eaten it thus far.

Isahlo · 23/01/2022 21:26

@Baldric

Thanks everyone for the advice so far. I know he’s a dick, but he’s my brother and we are really close. I don’t see how I can have the christening and not invite him? I like the idea of inviting them both and telling them both, and letting them decide, but I’m worried A won’t come if she’s put in that position?

Your brother is coming out on top, he’s got a perfect family, and he’s the mess maker. I honestly wouldn’t invite my brother in this situ

ruabon23 · 23/01/2022 21:35

I wouldn't invite the brother either. Someone with such morals is not someone I'd choose to be a godparent.

Thirtytimesround · 23/01/2022 21:37

I would invite A, and not your brother. But I know that’s hard.

I definitely would not sack A as Godmother. She wanted children, wasn’t permitted tk have them by your dick of a brother, and now he gets to take away being godmother to her best friends child? No way. Think for a minute about how she would feel. If you uninvite her to the Christening you risk killing the friendship.

No chance I would ever invite B. She nicked your best friend’s husband.

VerveClique · 23/01/2022 21:46

What @IncompleteSenten suggested is what I would do. Explain to them both that since everything that has gone this is the best way that you can manage for them to be both involved on the day and that you hope they will individually respect that. Bonus being your B doesn’t get to be godfather.

theonlygirl · 23/01/2022 22:00

Please don't take away the opportunity to be a godparent from your friend. Your brother already denied her the chance to have a child (assuming she is now too old). And don't make her choose by inviting everyone, that would be cowardly.

Your brother made some choices that even he must understand might result in him and his new family unit missing out. If he has any decency he will understand. He's an uncle, he will always have a place in your child's life.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/01/2022 22:08

If you want your friend to be godmother it makes sense to ask her, to solidify their bond.

Your brother is your baby’s uncle anyways, so under the circs just explain to him you’ll need him to bow out this time, but you’d love him to be godfather to your next one, when hopefully it’s all a bit more settled.

Your mum or dad or another rellie could bring your nephew? But anyway he’s a toddler, so I’d say a lower priority than your friend.

perimenofertility · 23/01/2022 22:16

I would invite A and invite your brother, and ask B and their child not to come. I understand they are a family unit now but the christening is your celebration for your child and it's important to you to have both your brother and your best friend there. You can always hold a family gathering later including brother and B and their child. If A and brother say they cannot attend if the other is there, decide which you would prefer to be godparent.

Skeumorph · 23/01/2022 22:25

How can you be really close with a scumbag like that!?

I hope your friend has t lost her chance of becoming a Mum.

Wonder what the so-code scumbag would think of a man who did the same to you.

He shouldn’t be there because common decency. A godfather?! You’ve got to be joking surely.

Livpool · 23/01/2022 22:26

Well your dick of a brother isn't a suitable godfather. What kind of morals will he demonstrate to your child?!

Livpool · 23/01/2022 22:30

And I agree with PPs that it is cop out from you to invite both and leave the decision to them. That means you are choosing your horrible brother

RampantIvy · 23/01/2022 22:36

Who do you think would make a better godparent? Who will be there more for your son and be his spiritual guide?

Fifthtimelucky · 23/01/2022 23:11

Godparents don't have to present at the baptism. One of my children's Godmothers couldn't attend their baptism because she was having a difficult pregnancy and couldn't cope with the journey (about three hours each way).

I think it would be difficult to exclude your brother, despite his appalling behaviour, so I would tell A you still want her to be a Godmother, but that you would understood if she didn't feel that she could attend.

MonicaGellerCleans · 23/01/2022 23:29

Your brother sounds like a shower of shit!

I'd invite A and not your brother. Why should A be excluded from things because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants?

Holskey · 23/01/2022 23:58

Actually, I understand you choosing your brother (even though what he did to A is diabolical).

Though I think you have to accept that you're not capable of being a good friend to A. And she really deserves a good friend! I'm sure she'll come to that conclusion eventually too. Very sad but it won't work when you pick someone who treated her so cruelly. You'll be responsible for causing her further hurt.

PinkPomeranian · 24/01/2022 01:26

@Totalwasteofpaper

Look there is no way to navigate this. The reality is you cannot have your brother and A as godparents.

He totally fucked her over it will never be okay.

Ultimately, you do need to pick one for the purposes of the christening.

Personally...
I'd keep her and get another male godparent.
I would invite him as a guest but be clear it's him and nephew only to the christening and tell him to hang out at the back, stay away from her and piss off early doors.

The alternate is you pick him and cut her loose.

That poor, poor woman... your DB is a prize arsehole

This is everything I wanted to say.

2pinkginsplease · 24/01/2022 02:07

My brother hasnt been invited to any of my family things for the last 2 years. He has caused me problems with his attitude and manner and family events are easier without him being there.

Unfortunately that's the consequences of being an arse. You dont get invited places!

chesterelly1 · 24/01/2022 07:33

Well your brother is uncle to your DC and has that as a basis for future relationship. Invite your friend, let her be godmother and make the vows to God to protect their faith etc. if your brother's not happy I'd be pointing out his record for breaking vows and say that on that front you felt your friend would be more reliable. If I was your friend and you did it the other way round the message I'd be getting would be blood is thicker than water and it would be my cue to start pulling away.

JustLyra · 24/01/2022 07:43

Does A still want to be the godmother?
She’s going to realise that over time family events for you will start to include your nephew more and more, especially as there is only a couple of years between the children. Being realistic is she actually going to be able to attend any of your DC’s events over the coming years?

Is your brother contrite enough that he’ll not cause a drama if you ask him not to bring his new partner?

It wasn’t just his partner he hid his child from - was he just planning that the kid never had contact with you, your parents etc before lockdown hit?

christmaskittenincoming · 24/01/2022 07:57

I think the following option...

Keep friend as godmother
Find new godfather
Invite brother on his OWN

girlmom21 · 24/01/2022 08:01

Invite them all.

It's shit for her but she can't avoid your brother forever if you're that close. There are going to be other celebrations etc.

This day is about your son. Nobody else. They're adults.

x2boys · 24/01/2022 08:10

I would invite your brother ,people on Mumsnet go no contact at the drop of a hat ,but family matters ,having been to a family christening yesterday I can see that the older I get .

mumofone234 · 24/01/2022 08:15

Another vote here for inviting them all, telling them you've done it, and letting them work it out amongst themselves. At least then you'll have done the right thing by not excluding anyone or judging who has more or less right to be there.

QuestionsorComments · 24/01/2022 08:25

To me excluding brother's new partner, the mother of his child is the same as going NC with him. Would you all be advising his partner to accept that so his ex could attend a family event? It's got to be both of them or neither.

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