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To think it's not ok for DH to 'wreck' everything? Why does he do this?
118

iwanttobeonleave · 23/01/2022 12:40

My DH wrecks everything. He just doesn't seem capable of looking after anything. For example cars, he has a new (2nd hand) one but 3 weeks later it's trashed, full of rubbish, dirty, lights cracked. He has the previous 5, yes 5! Parked up as scrap, but apparently not bad enough to scrap.
He breaks everything, including computers he buys for work (he's SE), equipment, his clothes are trashed, I buy new cups for the kitchen (because he's 'lost them' ) and then I find them outside and broken. I buy all his clothes.

I buy bikes for the children but soon they are left out in the rain and rusting.

He just leaves a trail of destruction in his wake. What can I do about it? The trouble is i think is that his parents place is just the same, and it's all he's known. The money he's wasted is sickening.

I am the opposite and like order and tidiness.

It's really getting me down.

AIBU to think people should look after their stuff?

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grapewine · 23/01/2022 12:42

No way in hell I'd put up with that. What's his explanation?

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girlmom21 · 23/01/2022 12:43

Don't use the excuse that it's all he's known. If it's his own stuff that's his problem but the kids and family are losing out.

What does he say when you confront him with it all?

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Cstring · 23/01/2022 12:44

It sounds like he has no respect for possessions. Why does he not care? I’m afraid it all sounds a bit like my teen DS’s who I absolutely Bollock for bring careless with stuff.

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Cstring · 23/01/2022 12:44

Bring = being

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iwanttobeonleave · 23/01/2022 12:44

@grapewine

No way in hell I'd put up with that. What's his explanation?

We'll no explanation really, I feel like I can't criticise or have an issue with it as it's his prerogative and his money. It really gets me down though.
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worriedatthemoment · 23/01/2022 12:44

Why don't you bring the kids bikes on from rain ?
Other stuff like cars not much you can do although if there were 5 scrap cars sat on my drive ( bet the neighbours love you) i would call the scrapyard and get collected or insist he sells on if useable so my place doesn't look like steptoe and son
Cups maybe he has his own cups and can't use certain ones
Unfortunately he prob not going to change, my dh is a little like this ( nit so bad ) with breaking cups and plates etc and that drives me mad in itself
All you can do is explain its really getting to you and he needs to address it
Maybe add up the value and show him what you could of done with that money ( nice holiday etc) so he sees it in monetary value

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girlmom21 · 23/01/2022 12:47

it's his prerogative and his money.

But it's the kids bikes.
It's money that could be used to enhance everyone else's lives.

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TracyMosby · 23/01/2022 12:48

I buy all his clothes
Stop doing that for a start.

If he breaks it, he replaces it.

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Saysama · 23/01/2022 12:49

Talk to him about it. It’s clearly unacceptable behaviour, so have a conversation with your husband.

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grapewine · 23/01/2022 12:50

@girlmom21

Don't use the excuse that it's all he's known. If it's his own stuff that's his problem but the kids and family are losing out.

What does he say when you confront him with it all?

Agree with this. I'd add it up for him, moneywise. It's just unacceptable.
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grapewine · 23/01/2022 12:50

And yes, I wouldn't be buying him any more clothes.

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BrickingIt44 · 23/01/2022 12:52

What's SE?

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KatharinaRosalie · 23/01/2022 12:52

it's his prerogative and his money

You buy his clothes and children's bikes, how is it 'his' money? Sounds like yours or family money if you're a SAHM. Of course this affects you all if you keeps ruining things that need to be replaced again.

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Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2022 12:52

You're deluding yourself if you think he's ever going to change. What a horrible example for your children. I couldn't tolerate this.

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Sciurus83 · 23/01/2022 12:54

You live in the same house of course you can criticise it's you running round tidying up after him living in the mess and it is your family money being wasted.

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VioletOcean · 23/01/2022 12:54

He’s taking the piss because it’s tolerated in the home. Get the cars scrapped. Get him doing stuff m then he’ll grow up and be an adult

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KO81 · 23/01/2022 12:56

The totally inadequate men on this site are really getting me down.

None of you have to put up with it. It’s not fucking normal.

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worriedatthemoment · 23/01/2022 12:56

@BrickingIt44 i would assume self employed

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Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2022 12:57

@KO81

The totally inadequate men on this site are really getting me down.

None of you have to put up with it. It’s not fucking normal.

This x1,000. It's so fucking depressing how so many women choose to live with absolutely worthless men.
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TyrannosaurusRegina · 23/01/2022 12:57

He knows you'll run around fixing it all so doesn't give a shit.

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Atlanticli · 23/01/2022 12:58

My ex husband was the same (except the part about his cars). His parents' house is still a health and safety hazard.

Unsurprisingly, his house looks normal and more than decent enough for any regular human being to live in. And his clothes (all of which he buys himself now) are regularly replaced and decent looking.

Long story short, he's always been perfectly capable and just knew some mug would pick up the slack for him.

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D0lphine · 23/01/2022 12:58

We'll no explanation really, I feel like I can't criticise or have an issue with it as it's his prerogative and his money. It really gets me down though.

No it's not his money.

You're married. So all your money is family money.

The money you're wasting could go towards making your lives better now or saving for retirement.

You're not being unreasonable I would find this really upsetting too. It's one thing being messy and having a bit of clutter but breaking things Willy nilly and not maintaining large items like bikes and cars is not on.

Have you explained to him how his behaviour is making you feel?

For example: "when you make a mess of the car when it's brand new it makes me feel like you don't appreciate the things we have and its upsetting because feels like a waste of money because we have to replace things more often. I feel upset because I have to pick up the pieces and make things ok again for the family." Something like that?

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timeisnotaline · 23/01/2022 13:00

I don’t understand why you buy his clothes. I’d have a very clear discussion on being married does NOT MEAN I CANT HAVE NICE THINGS, and anyone who loves their children wants them to have good things too. My dh broke a lot of stuff when we first moved in- stuff like nice wine glasses, took my umbrellas and lost them, took my duffel bags, washed my silk dresses and I had a very serious discussion that I never agreed to not having nice things and he needed to pick up his game. In your situation I’d be at the end of the road. Task 1: all excess cars sold or gone to scrap if he wants to stay married, timeline 1 month. Buy a metal plate cup set and he can use that and only that. I’d put the kids bikes away myself, institute looking after our things hour every week where we tidy away, buy him no clothes ever again, and in a month revisit and consider asking him to move out. It is really not an ok way to live.
Next actions take current car to get cleaned, timeline 2 weeks. Do his own washing, same timeline:

It sounds pretty pathetic putting it like that but you have to say this changes now and if you want him to change I think you might have to do this.

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FawnFrenchieMum · 23/01/2022 13:01

Is there any possibility of undiagnosed ADHD? People with ADHD really struggle to keep on top of stuff like this? Also possible he just doesn’t care!

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StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 23/01/2022 13:01

SE self employed.

It suddenly occured to me one day that dh has no respect for things and it used to drive me potty. Ive got quite strict with the kids so trying to break the cycle. I just sit back and watch his stuff now.

Something that has made him slightly better is me reading Kondo and TOMM. Regularly clearing out. He is quicker to decide that something is no longer of use to him and to get rid of it.

With the cars I would find the papers and give him a deadline to either repair or remove them. Then sell them for scrap or whatever.

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