To think it's not ok for DH to 'wreck' everything? Why does he do this?

[iwanttobeonleave]

My DH wrecks everything. He just doesn't seem capable of looking after anything. For example cars, he has a new (2nd hand) one but 3 weeks later it's trashed, full of rubbish, dirty, lights cracked. He has the previous 5, yes 5! Parked up as scrap, but apparently not bad enough to scrap.
He breaks everything, including computers he buys for work (he's SE), equipment, his clothes are trashed, I buy new cups for the kitchen (because he's 'lost them' ) and then I find them outside and broken. I buy all his clothes.

I buy bikes for the children but soon they are left out in the rain and rusting.

He just leaves a trail of destruction in his wake. What can I do about it? The trouble is i think is that his parents place is just the same, and it's all he's known. The money he's wasted is sickening.

I am the opposite and like order and tidiness.

It's really getting me down.

AIBU to think people should look after their stuff?

Has he got ADHD? My h does and he is prone to breaking things and spending money like it's nothing. He's forgetful and doesn't understand why I get upset at things being lost or broken as he thinks you just buy new ones. He got a diagnosis at 32. He is just so much better now than he was before. It's incredible how much him knowing he has it has made him understand what he's doing and now he works to NOT break things or lose things etc.

@FawnFrenchieMum

Is there any possibility of undiagnosed ADHD? People with ADHD really struggle to keep on top of stuff like this? Also possible he just doesn’t care!

I agree with this as a possibility as I think I have undiagnosed Autism. My dad was very similar and my mum used to get very annoyed and angry but they never seemed to tackle the situation together.

In my relationship, I’m a bit like the OP’s DH and my DH is more like the OP.

However, my DH talks to me about it and I understand how my untidy ways can cause him stress so I make an effort to be much tidier than I would be if left to my own devices. I do take extremely good care of my car and my sewing machines for instance, but I find my sewing room can get very untidy after a bout of sewing and then it suddenly seems to feel overwhelming so at that point, I ask for DH’s help to get it tidied.

DH understands that I struggle with orderliness so we work as a team.

On the other hand, I have skills that he doesn’t and we’re able to be very effective when we work together.

@HeidiHaus

No It's not ok to wreck things but IF he does have ADHD he really can't help it and will need support to put strategies in place. It's not really just a case of trying harder; medication might help.

But he can help it by getting that support in the first place which he's chosen not to do his whole adult life.

He won't change this is who he is. If you 'make' him he might be able to do it for a few days or even a couple of weeks. Although you should probably give him the chance to make an improvement, if you haven't already done this several hundred times already...

If you can't put up with it you need to move on. Life is too short

@girafferafferaffe - He got a diagnosis at 32. He is just so much better now than he was before. It's incredible how much him knowing he has it has made him understand what he's doing and now he works to NOT break things or lose things etc.

I don't understand how this works. So before he just broke stuff and lost stuff and didn't care. How has his diagnosis changed how he acts? It can't have changed his brain chemistry, can it?

@whiteworldgettingwhiter he has changed his mindset that no, he cannot just buy everything new and therefore is more careful with things (ie doesn't just Chuck things in rooms anymore and tries to remember he's left things outside etc), and is a lot less wasteful (chucking away food we'd bought because he wants a takeaway instead). He sets up reminders on his phone so he doesn't forget appointments or birthdays. He puts trackers on his stuff so he doesn't lose the important thjngs. He cleans and tidies up more, and uses filing for things so he keeps stuff organised instead of stuffing papers in a drawer. He has cut up all credit cards, and blocked himself from adding overdrafts to his accounts.

Before he was very 'this is how I am and I can't change' but now he recognises which things are symptoms of his adhd and which ones he was just being an arse. He gets frustrated with himself a lot for having to have all these extra things whereas I can just have a mental list of things to do and a good idea of where things are and remember what jobs need doing.

Forgot to add, his parents brought him up saying how stupid and forgetful and hard work he was and made him feel useless and he just thought 'this is me' and yes, adhd is part of him but it doesn't make him stupid or useless.

Thank you, @girafferafferaffe, that makes a lot of sense. I'm glad his diagnosis has helped.

I don't know why an adult would need to wait until they get an official label of ADHD before recognising their behaviour is problematic and seeking strategies to address it. mirrormirroronthewall said the op should 'model' behaviour like putting things in cupboards and taking off shoes. Sorry, no. Presumably the OPs DH can see she does these things as part of normal life. I could not possibly live with or be attracted to a life partner so utterly unaware of the impact their behaviour has and so unwilling to attempt to address it. I think that last part is the key. Posters saying they are simar have all said they are aware and try v hard and know when to ask for help. This is not what's happening here.

He’ll never change. You sound more like his carer than his partner.

Speaking just for my ADHD husband - he put a lot of strategies in place to try and address the behaviour I found so difficult to live with. Unfortunately, because he didn’t know he had ADHD, they were not always the right strategies and so he then failed, which made him feel worse.
I wonder if everyone advocating LTB would be as quick to leave their husband if he was, for instance, in a wheelchair and for some reason was not willing to go up and down stairs unaided, or join them in a morning run.
It is asking a lot of someone with ADHD to just sort themselves out. Even just organising a diagnosis can be incredibly challenging.

What happens when he breaks other people's stuff?

@Helenahandkart

Speaking just for my ADHD husband - he put a lot of strategies in place to try and address the behaviour I found so difficult to live with. Unfortunately, because he didn’t know he had ADHD, they were not always the right strategies and so he then failed, which made him feel worse. I wonder if everyone advocating LTB would be as quick to leave their husband if he was, for instance, in a wheelchair and for some reason was not willing to go up and down stairs unaided, or join them in a morning run. It is asking a lot of someone with ADHD to just sort themselves out. Even just organising a diagnosis can be incredibly challenging.

Amen :)

How did you end up married to someone if this was such a issue? I think the idea that he''ll change now seems a bit unrealistic. You need to work with each others' strengths and weaknesses

He won't change and neither will you. Personally I think it's not worth giving up a good relationship over this, and that there will be some other issue in whichever relationship you have. So I would learn to accept it and accept him for who he is, and focus on his positive qualities.

@BellatricksStrange

He won't change and neither will you. Personally I think it's not worth giving up a good relationship over this, and that there will be some other issue in whichever relationship you have. So I would learn to accept it and accept him for who he is, and focus on his positive qualities.

I couldn’t disagree with this more and don’t think this advice would be given to a man whose wife had five scrap cars piled up and regularly broke items he then had to replace.

And not every relationship will have issues like this. I would absolutely leave DH over this. Living in a messy and chaotic environment isn’t good for anyone, especially the kids. And it’s not really a good relationship otherwise because she’s made it clear this bothers her and he’s made no efforts to change the situation.

I couldn’t disagree with this more and don’t think this advice would be given to a man whose wife had five scrap cars piled up and regularly broke items he then had to replace.

I've given myself this advice. My wife has various characteristics that bother me immensely, but this is how she is, and she is not going to fundamentally change anytime soon. But her positives outweigh the negatives, so I have learnt to accept and love her. As she has done for me and my negatives.

We bot make an effort to please each other, but we know the issues will always be there. But we're each worth more to the other than these niggles, however infuriating they may be.

@FawnFrenchieMum

Is there any possibility of undiagnosed ADHD? People with ADHD really struggle to keep on top of stuff like this? Also possible he just doesn’t care!

Yeah I was going to say this as well. My DH has complained that I "wreck" things but I am clumsy and disorganised, it's not a choice, and I am doing the best I can.