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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's not ok for DH to 'wreck' everything? Why does he do this?

118 replies

iwanttobeonleave · 23/01/2022 12:40

My DH wrecks everything. He just doesn't seem capable of looking after anything. For example cars, he has a new (2nd hand) one but 3 weeks later it's trashed, full of rubbish, dirty, lights cracked. He has the previous 5, yes 5! Parked up as scrap, but apparently not bad enough to scrap.
He breaks everything, including computers he buys for work (he's SE), equipment, his clothes are trashed, I buy new cups for the kitchen (because he's 'lost them' ) and then I find them outside and broken. I buy all his clothes.

I buy bikes for the children but soon they are left out in the rain and rusting.

He just leaves a trail of destruction in his wake. What can I do about it? The trouble is i think is that his parents place is just the same, and it's all he's known. The money he's wasted is sickening.

I am the opposite and like order and tidiness.

It's really getting me down.

AIBU to think people should look after their stuff?

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 23/01/2022 14:47

I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children much less my husband. I agree with you that people should look after their things. Perhaps it’s because we don’t have much money, but we value and take good care of everything we own. Usually when I’ve finished with something (prams, clothes etc) it’s in very good condition, enough to sell it on or give away. I just don’t think there’s any need to spoil and break your things, it’s wasteful.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/01/2022 14:48

@KO81

The totally inadequate men on this site are really getting me down.

None of you have to put up with it. It’s not fucking normal.

Tell me about it.

Why do so many people put up with such shit, useless partners?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/01/2022 14:49

@justasking111

We know a well known sculptor like this. His work is incredible, everything else in his life gets broken, he is dyslexic and dyspraxic to a severe extent. He lives alone much of the time women tire of it. Get him tested read up on it if you love him

Why is it OP's job to "get him tested" and "read up on it"?

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 23/01/2022 14:56

'What about his responsibility to look after his own shit' my post should have said.

Merryoldgoat · 23/01/2022 15:04

@KO81

The totally inadequate men on this site are really getting me down.

None of you have to put up with it. It’s not fucking normal.

Yes but we get told we’re victim blaming when we ask why they put up with it.

Threeboysandadog · 23/01/2022 15:04

This sounds exactly like ds1 (26) who has ADHD and still lives at home. I spent 8 hours sorting out his bedroom on Friday. It was a fire risk! He just doesn’t have the ability to do it himself. I’m not sure how he will ever live independently. He’s medicated (has been since age 7) which helps but certainly doesn’t solve his problems. He actually gets really upset with himself but can’t seem to do anything about it.

My youngest son and I also have ADHD but are more able to put strategies in place to manage.

Can you help him to get rid of the cars and prompt him re the other stuff. I would imagine it really gets you down. I know ds wears me down at times.

grapewine · 23/01/2022 15:05

Jesus. Why is it up to the OP to fix and diagnose her h - 'if she loved him'? Nice bit of PA blackmail.

Yes, this. Utter bullshit. I'm not on this earth to fix or micromanage men. He's a grown adult.

NowEvenBetter · 23/01/2022 15:06

‘Get him tested, read up on it’ ‘get him to-‘
Why? 😄
It’s not like there’s a shortage of males, no need to do anything for the type of pointless slobs, of which there’s at least 10 new threads a day by women who chose to inflict these slovenly, inept misogynists as a parent to their kid. And then chose to have another kid, and another and act shocked that their lives are shit and their kids don’t respect them either. Ffs.

starfishmummy · 23/01/2022 15:11

Why is it OP's job to "get him tested" and "read up on it"?

No it's not anyone's job.

But if there is an underlying condition, just getting annoyed with the person and leaving them to their own devices is not going to help much. Its not like they are doing it deliberately and surely a loving partner would want to help.

Meowwwwwww · 23/01/2022 15:12

@KO81

The totally inadequate men on this site are really getting me down.

None of you have to put up with it. It’s not fucking normal.

I have to agree with this. Being on MN has given me a totally different perspective on men, in so many ways. In real life most men I know are reasonable functioning members of society who hold down jobs and don’t cheat, abuse or take advantage of women. I would say I know an equal number of female and male arseholes but on MN there are so many men who are useless and worse.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/01/2022 15:17

My DH has a bit of this. I think it's that he doesn't really put much value on 'stuff'. If it breaks, who cares? Either buy another one or shrug your shoulders 'cuz it's 'just stuff'. Caveat: he does take VERY good care of expensive stuff like cars, computers, TVs, etc.

What infuriates me is that he thinks of other people's stuff as 'just stuff' too, but he at least has gotten better 'judgement' in what constitutes 'stuff' through the 35+ years we've been together. But once I found my late mother's cut crystal bowl out in the workshop being used to hold random nuts and bolts because it was the first thing he saw when looking for something to hold nuts and bolts. He'll use my measuring cups measure weed killer because he knew where they were and needed to measure. He'll take a dinner knife and heat it to cut rope or as a screwdriver. Cuz, you know, 'just stuff'.

He knows now not to touch anything deemed 'pretty' or 'mine' without asking, so there hasn't been a repeat of the 'Incident of the Cut Crystal Bowl' in years. His ears are probably still ringing. But kitchen-ware is still in grave danger and I actually keep a 'pre-burnt' dinner knife it the knife drawer for him to use.

NowEvenBetter · 23/01/2022 15:17

If he was fucking useless due to a ‘medical’ condition surely he would have already taken himself off for tests years ago, because he would have seen how much of an impact his actions have on his wife’s daily life and wanted to resolve it. It sure sounds like he doesn’t give a fuck.

Mirrormirrorontheball · 23/01/2022 15:21

Sometimes, you have to model the behaviour. This is how you put it in a box in the cupboard when you have finished using it. This is how you hang up your clothes. For your husband I would suggest cheap t shirt and joggers for inside and nicer clothes for outside that he takes off and hangs up the moment he gets home. This is how you take your shoes off as soon as you get inside. Etc. If he won’t listen, model it for the kids and praise them when they do it (in his earshot). My cousin has boys and they seem a little bit this way as well. It took stuff breaking and not being replaced for them to change.

worriedatthemoment · 23/01/2022 15:21

I agree its not Up tonOP to get him tested but with kids bikes its not just up to OP dh to being them in either is it, if old enough kids can do it or the OP rather than them be ruined , but most kids who can ride a bike can put it away as well

Kanaloa · 23/01/2022 15:22

@Threeboysandadog

My youngest son and I also have ADHD but are more able to put strategies in place to manage.

Can you help him to get rid of the cars and prompt him re the other stuff. I would imagine it really gets you down. I know ds wears me down at times.

Are you able to put into place a routine whereby your son sorts his bedroom once per week with your supervision?

The fact is he may not be able to organise himself but he certainly isn’t going to learn the appropriate skills by trashing his room then swanning off while his mum sorts it.

My son can’t do many things that require organisation so we organise him, but he needs to do it himself, even if it’s done much slower than I would do it.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/01/2022 15:23

@starfishmummy

Why is it OP's job to "get him tested" and "read up on it"?

No it's not anyone's job.

A grown adult can go and get themselves tested. He doesn't need to rely on his wife to do it for him

Helenahandkart · 23/01/2022 15:31

My husband has similar tendencies. He is also late for everything, never closes a drawer, never puts the lid back on anything, forgets to turn the cooker off, leaves the fridge open.
I’ve spent the last 20 years arguing with him over it, and getting nowhere. This year he’s been diagnosed with ADHD, and so both of us finally understand why he is as he is.
Knowing the reason why has removed a lot of my frustration with him. I wonder if your partner has some similar condition.

thickthighs73 · 23/01/2022 15:55

@Youdoyoutoday

Out of interest though, surely he was like this before you married, had kids. Did you not live together for a while before hand, surely you noticed this crap before. Surely, your orderly ways and his messy ways clashed before now?

I was just thinking the same

FanciedChange · 23/01/2022 16:06

I was going to write a very similar (but less extreme) post myself yesterday. No advice, just commiserations...

Bananalanacake · 23/01/2022 16:08

How do cups end up outside and broken, does he drink tea outside, why can't he just put them in the sink when he's finished.

Octomore · 23/01/2022 16:09

@NowEvenBetter

‘Get him tested, read up on it’ ‘get him to-‘ Why? 😄 It’s not like there’s a shortage of males, no need to do anything for the type of pointless slobs, of which there’s at least 10 new threads a day by women who chose to inflict these slovenly, inept misogynists as a parent to their kid. And then chose to have another kid, and another and act shocked that their lives are shit and their kids don’t respect them either. Ffs.

100% agree.

Leaving him will sort the problem. Because it will mean the OP doesn't haven't to deal with his bullshit. If he wants to live along in a shithole full of broken stuff, fine, let him. If he wants to live in a nice house with nice things HE will have to get himself help and sort himself out. It's not the OP's job to fix him.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 23/01/2022 16:23

My daughter is like this, breaks or loses everything. She is currently being tested for ADHD.

HeidiHaus · 23/01/2022 16:32

No It's not ok to wreck things but IF he does have ADHD he really can't help it and will need support to put strategies in place. It's not really just a case of trying harder; medication might help.

Octomore · 23/01/2022 16:53

@HeidiHaus

No It's not ok to wreck things but IF he does have ADHD he really can't help it and will need support to put strategies in place. It's not really just a case of trying harder; medication might help.

If he does have ADHD, it's his responsibility to recognise that he has a problem, eek help, and work out strategies to manage it. He's a grown ass adult FFS.

The fact that he hasn't done any of this makes it a LTB situation in my book.

SocialConnection · 23/01/2022 16:58

Stop treating him like an extra child.
Stop buying him clothes.
Have an adult conversation.

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