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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not ok for DH to 'wreck' everything? Why does he do this?

118 replies

iwanttobeonleave · 23/01/2022 12:40

My DH wrecks everything. He just doesn't seem capable of looking after anything. For example cars, he has a new (2nd hand) one but 3 weeks later it's trashed, full of rubbish, dirty, lights cracked. He has the previous 5, yes 5! Parked up as scrap, but apparently not bad enough to scrap.
He breaks everything, including computers he buys for work (he's SE), equipment, his clothes are trashed, I buy new cups for the kitchen (because he's 'lost them' ) and then I find them outside and broken. I buy all his clothes.

I buy bikes for the children but soon they are left out in the rain and rusting.

He just leaves a trail of destruction in his wake. What can I do about it? The trouble is i think is that his parents place is just the same, and it's all he's known. The money he's wasted is sickening.

I am the opposite and like order and tidiness.

It's really getting me down.

AIBU to think people should look after their stuff?

OP posts:
TheChip · 23/01/2022 13:01

Stop buying him shit.

Youdoyoutoday · 23/01/2022 13:01

Out of interest though, surely he was like this before you married, had kids. Did you not live together for a while before hand, surely you noticed this crap before. Surely, your orderly ways and his messy ways clashed before now?

QuestionsorComments · 23/01/2022 13:02

You have 5 scrap vehicles outside your house?! Can you report yourself to the council? I'm amazed the neighbours haven't already.

RJnomore1 · 23/01/2022 13:03

I’d go for “stop being a lazy prick” personally.

I came into sympathise as my dh can be a bit heavy handed with things eg when emptying the dishwasher but this is something else. Is he hoarding? The cars - that’s beyond lazy actually. Your neighbours must hate looking at that.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 23/01/2022 13:03

I feel your pain, I lived with some who genuinely didn’t give a fig for how much this used to upset me. It was soo disrespectful and completely unnecessary. Thank goodness we weren’t married, we went our separate ways - I just couldn’t deal with living in a pig sty and constantly cleaning up after him. And that was the choice - live with it or leave, because they refused to change.

QuestionsorComments · 23/01/2022 13:06

If the children are old enough to have bikes, shouldn't they be putting them away? At least you can try and break the cycle.

DinaDirvla · 23/01/2022 13:08

YANBU, I was also brought up to have respect for possessions - my own and other peoples. "Stuff" costs money and if you are lucky enough to have nice things, you should take care of them.

Trouble is, everything is bloody disposable these days isn't it. My stepchildren have no respect for anything, they leave a trail of broken down belongings (cars, bicycles, laptops, coffee machines) in their wake, yet their father (DH) is not like that at all.

I think it depends what they were brought up with - if the attitude when your DH was growing up was that nothing matters and everything is instantly replaceable, he'll find it hard to change I guess.

But I would also find that very hard to live with. The 5 vehicles would have to go, and everything else he's broken and abandoned should have its own place in a designated outdoor shed so he has to look at it regularly!

Does he value any objects at all?

southlondoner02 · 23/01/2022 13:10

Stop buying him things
If he breaks thing that are for joint use or the kids ask him to replace them every time
If things are needed for the kids he needs to contribute, whether that's through a joint account or buying it between you

MummyWoodentop · 23/01/2022 13:12

I think you can have a rule that your surroundings must be pleasant (or normal standard) the cars must go.
I would tell the kids that they must put their bikes away or they'll be sold - why haven't they been pinched?
For cups to get lost outside your garden must be a mess. A car on our drive or lawn would stand out.
You will have to keep lawn cut, outside clear. Just chuck stuff in the boot and go to the tip. Pay someone to mow the lawn.

MummyWoodentop · 23/01/2022 13:14

car cup

Horsemad · 23/01/2022 13:14

The reason this is happening is because it isn't impacting him. You need to get tough & make him deal with it. If that means telling him daily until he does it, then so be it.

How old are your DC? They should be putting their bikes away or they're going to grow up to be like Daddy...

Elieza · 23/01/2022 13:15

Why do you stay with such a wasteful and careless fool?

I couldn’t respect him. I sure as hell couldn’t have sex with him.

And he’s like this because his parents were like that and now you have kids who could also grow up to be like that because they will see his example. It doesn’t bode well.

Why do you stay? He sounds like steptoe and sons. Why is it ‘his’ money? What the financial situation?
Are you a SAHM and he feels you are basically the free slave and aren’t entitled to a say in family money and how it’s spent as it’s ‘his’ earnings?

You know it’s coming….I’d be leaving him.

PickAChew · 23/01/2022 13:18

his prerogative and his money.

And your home and your kids' home that he's destroying.

The neighbours must love him with a garden full of wrecked cars and broken stuff.

Ponoka7 · 23/01/2022 13:18

@FawnFrenchieMum

"Is there any possibility of undiagnosed ADHD? People with ADHD really struggle to keep on top of stuff like this?"

Most people by the time they have children, have strategies in place. It's whether they can be arsed, which most of the men on here, can't.

OP, he has no respect for your family home. If he cared that his children's bikes were kept well, he'd change. He doesn't care enough. It isn't nice realising this, but that's the truth. I have only been diagnosed as dyspraxic in my 50's. I've been frustrated with breaking some stuff, but when it came to other people's stuff and our living space, I got it right. So does my adult DD, who has ADHD. Don't take that as the excuse that's going to be made on here.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 23/01/2022 13:20

I feel sorry for your neighbours. Five rusting cars parked up. Anyone trying to sell their house on your street wont be thanking you.

olympicsrock · 23/01/2022 13:21

I think you need a serious chat and ultimatum. You deserve to have nice things and not have him destroy things/ waste family money. He either changes his ways or you split up.

It might may you saying this for him to realise what a game changer it is for you

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/01/2022 13:22

You're not married to my ex husband are you? It used to drive me insane. All his very expensive tools left to rust away in pools of water outside. Car left to rot. Rusted motorbikes. It did affect the whole family because of the cost of constantly replacing this stuff.

midlifecrash · 23/01/2022 13:22

As everyone says it’s shared space not his prerogative, don’t buy him anything else, sell the cars, put up a bike shed, don’t give him a key to it, when he asks why tell him. And keep a savings account in your own name.

torquewench · 23/01/2022 13:29

No advice about your DH, but why don't you encourage your DC to develop better habits than DH and tell them to look after their bicycles properly and put them away so they don't end up getting rusty?

rwalker · 23/01/2022 13:30

@KO81

The totally inadequate men on this site are really getting me down.

None of you have to put up with it. It’s not fucking normal.

Wouldn't write this off as it's because he a man .Probably they way he was brought my sister and BIl are the same look after nothing it's in the bin and a new one. There kids are exactly the same . sorry but I don't think there a silver bullet to solve this one
WonderfulYou · 23/01/2022 13:31

How long has he been like this?
I’m surprised you married him when you are completely opposite.

Most of it absolutely could be his upbringing. Some people have a very disorganised personality.
But he has to put in more effort to change his ways - if he breaks his car he’s going to have to go without a car. Have your own mugs, if he breaks his he’ll have to buy his own.
Being SE he needs to get his act together and you can’t bail him out all of the time.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 23/01/2022 13:32

Had he always been like this? Did you used to put up with it?

TurquoiseDragon · 23/01/2022 13:33

He has a lack of respect, OP.

For you, the DC and even himself.

I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out. But then, I learned from my last relationship and wouldn't let anyone get to this stage now. Especially now that I have my post menopausal DGAF about other people's opinions.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 23/01/2022 13:34

The five scrap cars are a total deal breaker on their own tbh.

WildRosie · 23/01/2022 13:35

Show him the door, provided he can be trusted not to break it on his way out. Otherwise, he needs to step up and take responsibility for his own behaviour. His upbringing is no excuse for acting like a slob as an adult and he is setting a lousy example to his children. Start by doing nothing for him, especially buying clothes!