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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not ok for DH to 'wreck' everything? Why does he do this?

118 replies

iwanttobeonleave · 23/01/2022 12:40

My DH wrecks everything. He just doesn't seem capable of looking after anything. For example cars, he has a new (2nd hand) one but 3 weeks later it's trashed, full of rubbish, dirty, lights cracked. He has the previous 5, yes 5! Parked up as scrap, but apparently not bad enough to scrap.
He breaks everything, including computers he buys for work (he's SE), equipment, his clothes are trashed, I buy new cups for the kitchen (because he's 'lost them' ) and then I find them outside and broken. I buy all his clothes.

I buy bikes for the children but soon they are left out in the rain and rusting.

He just leaves a trail of destruction in his wake. What can I do about it? The trouble is i think is that his parents place is just the same, and it's all he's known. The money he's wasted is sickening.

I am the opposite and like order and tidiness.

It's really getting me down.

AIBU to think people should look after their stuff?

OP posts:
whiteworldgettingwhiter · 23/01/2022 13:35

TALK TO HIM! He's wasting your money, the kids' things - it's family money.

Why do you buy his clothes??

I can't believe you haven't talked to him about this before. List all the things he has bought and the money he has wasted. Tell him how it makes you feel, and how awful it makes the house look.

Tell him what you want to happen in future. Give him a deadline, then stick to it.

FawnFrenchieMum · 23/01/2022 13:36

@Ponoka7 I wasn’t going to suggest it be allowed to be an excuse but COULD be a reason and dealing with it might need different intervention then someone who just can’t be arsed. Teen DS is diagnosed and hates himself when he breaks stuff probably because I used to be quite upset with him before diagnosis and now he gets upset with himself instead. DH who isn’t diagnosed and won’t consider he has ADHD (although I’d bet my house on it) also has these traits with cups and plates and clothes but wouldn’t dream of having the cars on the drive or leaving the bikes out etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2022 13:37

@Snoopsnoggysnog

The five scrap cars are a total deal breaker on their own tbh.
Absolutely. Your poor neighbours.
TheOccupier · 23/01/2022 13:37

Agreed, @KO81 - this sort of posts just boggles me and it's really depressing. So many OPs on here complaining about huge, unmissable, awful issues with their partners: this is a new one but others are binge drinking, terrible hygiene, being either mean or irresponsible with money, bad manners, etc etc and I always wonder the same thing:

How on earth do you get through meeting, dating, moving in together, engagement, marriage and having children before you noticed/were bothered by the terrible behaviour? And if you did notice it before, why stay in the relationship?

Is this why I'm not married? Are women really prepared to tolerate this level of bullshit for the sake of having a ring on their finger?

MrsPsmalls · 23/01/2022 13:43

Adult DS does this. And has adhd.

TracyMosby · 23/01/2022 13:43

Are women really prepared to tolerate this level of bullshit for the sake of having a ring on their finger?
There are many who put up with it without even that.

CharityDingle · 23/01/2022 13:46

@KO81

The totally inadequate men on this site are really getting me down.

None of you have to put up with it. It’s not fucking normal.

It's depressing how many posters apparently accept and live with intolerable behaviour.

See also threads about men unable to wipe their own arses, literally. One poster said it was because her husband was taught to ration toilet paper, when he was growing up. Hmm Disgusting, but she apparently happily picks up his dirty underwear.

Anyway, OP, no, YANBU. He does it because he can, and because you pick up the slack.

MrsPsmalls · 23/01/2022 13:48

@TracyMosby

Are women really prepared to tolerate this level of bullshit for the sake of having a ring on their finger? There are many who put up with it without even that.
And the reason women are still happy to date him and eventually to marry him is because he is incredibly attractive, earns a shed load of money , is reasonably kind and very entertaining. He also comes complete with nice family and friends that they can tap into. Swings. Roundabouts.
Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2022 13:54

Has he always been like this?

Surely you realised.

Or gas something changed

Cherrysoup · 23/01/2022 13:55

5 scrap cars? Your poor neighbours. If the dc aren’t old enough to put their bikes away, why don’t you check? Stop picking up after him. As pp said, once he hasn’t got anyone doing it for him, will he improve? Why do you buy his clothes? He isn’t your child.

grapewine · 23/01/2022 13:57

@KO81

The totally inadequate men on this site are really getting me down.

None of you have to put up with it. It’s not fucking normal.

I could not agree more with this.
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 23/01/2022 14:00

I couldn't put up with that. The dirty car I wouldn't have an issue with as I rarely clean mine but I'd be giving him an ultimatum about the 5 scrap cars - gone by the end of the week or I'd be getting rid.

Pumpkinstace · 23/01/2022 14:05

[quote Ponoka7]@FawnFrenchieMum

"Is there any possibility of undiagnosed ADHD? People with ADHD really struggle to keep on top of stuff like this?"

Most people by the time they have children, have strategies in place. It's whether they can be arsed, which most of the men on here, can't.

OP, he has no respect for your family home. If he cared that his children's bikes were kept well, he'd change. He doesn't care enough. It isn't nice realising this, but that's the truth. I have only been diagnosed as dyspraxic in my 50's. I've been frustrated with breaking some stuff, but when it came to other people's stuff and our living space, I got it right. So does my adult DD, who has ADHD. Don't take that as the excuse that's going to be made on here.[/quote]
This is quite an ableist post.

I have adhd and children. I really struggle with stuff like this and and would be lost without my partner helping me.

The anxiety I feel about it is immense, I try and change and fail and the anxiety gets worse. It's quite debilitating to live with.

justasking111 · 23/01/2022 14:08

We know a well known sculptor like this. His work is incredible, everything else in his life gets broken, he is dyslexic and dyspraxic to a severe extent. He lives alone much of the time women tire of it. Get him tested read up on it if you love him

ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 14:08

I buy all his clothes.

Er ... why?

I'm not diminishing your woes OP - it must be enraging to have to deal with his (expensive) trail of destruction - but this bit strikes me as martyr-ish.
Why does he not buy his own damn clothes?

ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 14:13

I feel like I can't criticise or have an issue with it as it's his prerogative and his money.

It's not his prerogative to leave 5 rustbucket cars rotting on the street/your property, no matter who paid for them.

It's not his prerogative to wreck the kids' bikes. Or break cups, & computers.

It's also - & OP I really want you to get your head round this - not his money. It's family money, & he's pissing it away.

The disrespect to me, neighbours, & most of all the DC would finish me OP. They must feel so hurt when daddy breaks their stuff for them, & doesn't do anything to fix or replace it.

If you seriously think that's ok because it "his money", you have bigger issues than wrecked stuff.

BoredZelda · 23/01/2022 14:17

feel like I can't criticise or have an issue with it as it's his prerogative and his money

What is the issue if he is wasting his own money?

girlmom21 · 23/01/2022 14:18

@BoredZelda

feel like I can't criticise or have an issue with it as it's his prerogative and his money

What is the issue if he is wasting his own money?

The wreckage he leaves in his wake. If he replaced and disposed of, it'd be fine. But imagine having 5 cars sat outside your house because they're not safe to drive but he won't get rid.
LaurenKelsey · 23/01/2022 14:19

I have a young adult DD like this. Breaks things, ruins the finish on furniture, tosses out forks with take away, never returns borrowed stuff, wears a new outfit once and it’s on the floor forever more. It wasn’t her upbringing, and her brother and sister aren’t like this.

rainbowstardrops · 23/01/2022 14:20

Get cross with him and tell him it's got to change!!!!
Honestly, why wouldn't you?!!!

justasking111 · 23/01/2022 14:27

@LaurenKelsey

I have a young adult DD like this. Breaks things, ruins the finish on furniture, tosses out forks with take away, never returns borrowed stuff, wears a new outfit once and it’s on the floor forever more. It wasn’t her upbringing, and her brother and sister aren’t like this.
This is our friend it's not deliberate, all the lick him into shape or LTB won't work. It's the way they're wired
Longcovid21 · 23/01/2022 14:36

Sounds a bit like my ex who regularly broke cups and leaves bikes to rust. Is he a bit of a hoarder? Does he have clutter everywhere? I belive it may be part of a hoarding pattern of behaviour. With a distorted relationship to things.

GatoradeMeBitch · 23/01/2022 14:36

Stop buying his clothes. Firstly because you're not his mother. Secondly because he may appreciate his things more if he has to go out and buy them.

Focus on getting your children to adopt good habits. If they're old enough to ride bikes, they're old enough to know how to put them away.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 23/01/2022 14:42

@justasking111

We know a well known sculptor like this. His work is incredible, everything else in his life gets broken, he is dyslexic and dyspraxic to a severe extent. He lives alone much of the time women tire of it. Get him tested read up on it if you love him
Jesus. Why is it up to the OP to fix and diagnose her h - 'if she loved him'? Nice bit of PA blackmail. What about good responsibility to look after his own shit??
billybear · 23/01/2022 14:43

been there got the tshirt,my hubby breaks everything,loses stuff, went up road to local shop yesterday with 2 carrier bags lost 1 on the way,he loses his phone in the house, but its never turned on,i get angry, but no longer help him look for stuff,we go through tea spoons like crazy,dont know where they go, he orders alsorts from amazon its usually the wrong size/fitting part etc then makes a real meal of returning the item ,its draining i feel your pain

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