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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH dogwalks with another woman

612 replies

DMOB3 · 23/01/2022 11:29

AIBU to not want my DH to disappear on a sunday moring with a female colleague, who is also married. This happens intermittently. He never says in advance that he's going but always admits where he's been. Plus his phone always tells me where he is. Am I being paranoid? Last week he said he wanted to give me a lie in. Late evening (11.30 pm) she WhatsApp him to thank him for the walk.

OP posts:
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 23/01/2022 13:16

Why is everyone minimising the secrecy and late night messages??

Tullig · 23/01/2022 13:18

@gannett

I sent off a round of Whatsapp messages at 11pm last night, hadn't got round to replying for a few days and just wanted to clear the backlog. Didn't know that would be deemed inappropriate by the territorial pissers of MN.

Dog owners go walking with other dog owners literally all the time.

Late night tends to be when I catch up on a backlog of WhatsApps, so it would be an entirely natural thing for me to do, rather than anything inviting intimacy. Neither would I consider dog walking with an opposite-sex friend anything at all unusual. Certainly nothing indicates I would shag said friend behind a hedge.
SueSaid · 23/01/2022 13:18

'For all we know they're paramedics and she'd just finished a night shift when they went for a walk then she was going home and straight to bed, and by 11:30pm she was back on shift.'

Omg I mean, seriously.

You don't message married men 'thanking them' for dog walks. I mean yes there's some desperate folk out there but even so.

DiddyHeck · 23/01/2022 13:18

Sorry, I should clarify.

When I said the 'jury's out for me', I meant I'm not sure if the OP added that for frothing purposes because without that, it's just two mates walking their dogs and not something many posters would bother replying about.

Isthisprivate · 23/01/2022 13:18

It's seems weird to me. Yes men can have female friends but you don't go dog walking with them.

I hope my friends wife doesn’t say the same about me. We walk most weeks, he doesn’t even have a dog! It started when he text me something random while I was out and I mentioned I had taken a wrong turn and he told me to be careful because it would be dark soon. A couple of weeks later I bumped into it and were chatting about it and he said the walk sounded lovely would I show him the route, we now go most weeks and I like it because I have company so feel safer and he’s learnt loads of new walks that he didn’t know existed.

My partner can also track me by my phone, it’s useful for when I run because he has me a bath ready when I get home, also for directions if I get lost- and also if I was longer than planned he can find where I am in an emergency. I can track him so that I can get tea ready for roughly the time he gets in. I don’t see the issue with it if both agree?

thatsnotabadger · 23/01/2022 13:19

Anyone else thinking back over times you have messaged male friends and colleagues completely innocently in the evenings?

RaisinforBeing · 23/01/2022 13:20

A man I know whose affair was based on ‘walking the dog with a neighbour’ was only discovered when the dog died. The man and his actual wife had long planned to go off travelling when the dog had passed but when it happened, the man went straight to a dog shelter to get another one. This alerted his wife who then turned detective and found out what he was doing on these ‘walks’. They are now divorced.

Cakeandcardio · 23/01/2022 13:20

I would say it's weird. Men and women don't walk dogs together just because. He's also making out like he's doing you a favour which is weird. Don't be put off by people saying it's strange that you track his phone - a lot of married people on here lead bizarrely separate lives. My husband and I can track each other (openly, not secretly). There might not be anything happening with this woman but he could want there to be.

Isthisprivate · 23/01/2022 13:20

You don't message married men 'thanking them' for dog walks. I mean yes there's some desperate folk out there but even so.

Well this in addition to my post above makes me worry I must have a horrific reputation as the desperate village whore!

WonderfulYou · 23/01/2022 13:20

Plus his phone always tells me where he is.

FFS what is wrong with some people.
Why do so many MNers think it’s acceptable to be in controlling relationships.

They’re walking the dogs during the day.
You should not be checking where he’s going or where he’s been.
It’s perfectly reasonable for him (and you) to walk his dog/have a friend who is the opposite sex.
If you don’t trust him then end the relationship.

I always met up with a man on my dog walks. Our dogs got on great and we always had good chats - there was absolutely nothing else going on at all.

DiddyHeck · 23/01/2022 13:21

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Why is everyone minimising the secrecy and late night messages??
What 'secrecy' and what late night 'messages'?

The OP has mentioned one message and how can there be secrecy when she's tracking him on the phone anyway?

That's the bit I'm wondering why no-one's picking up on,

HaggisBurger · 23/01/2022 13:21

@Crazykatie

Dogging, possibly, I would be very suspicious, walk the dog some other time seems a good idea
You do know that people don’t bring their dogs out, when they are a dogging 😂😂
SkidmarkOnTheHeadboard · 23/01/2022 13:21

Probably getting frisky whilst one of them are picking up the dog poo
Yep, bending down, scooping that poop and uh oh, in slips the penis

SueSaid · 23/01/2022 13:22

'Well this in addition to my post above makes me worry I must have a horrific reputation as the desperate village whore!'

Why, do you message married men at11.30pm thanking them for a dog walk?! Even so I wouldn't call you a village 'whore' that is a bit ott. Just desperate.

DiddyHeck · 23/01/2022 13:22

@thatsnotabadger

Anyone else thinking back over times you have messaged male friends and colleagues completely innocently in the evenings?
I'm too busy thinking back on all the thread where women have complained their controlling husbands have been tracking their phones, and getting jealous of their friendships.

The screams of LEAVE THE BASTARD are still ringing in my ears.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 23/01/2022 13:23

The thing about this that rang alarm bells for me is that he never tells OP in advance where he is going. If it were all innocent that would be the natural thing to do, at least some of the time. As it is, if she doesn't know she can't object, or suggest she goes along too. It smacks of him not wanting to miss out on these walks, and that together with the late night text would bother me.

Momijin · 23/01/2022 13:23

Depends. Would you normally go with him? I would rather walk my dog with a friend than on my own. But when I'm with my boyfriend we always walk our dogs together and it would be weird to exclude him. However, if he didn't walk the dog with me then I would be happy to walk with a friend or a colleague.

I know he sometimes meets a beighboyr whilst out walking his dog and if he told me that he was arranging to walk with her whilst I wasn't with me it wouldn't bother me at all. Because i understand that walking with someone is more fun and also because i trust him.

RaisinforBeing · 23/01/2022 13:23

The poor dog actually never even got walked. It just went for a play date in a house 2 streets away whilst the man was upstairs :-o!

girlmom21 · 23/01/2022 13:23

@JaniieJones

'For all we know they're paramedics and she'd just finished a night shift when they went for a walk then she was going home and straight to bed, and by 11:30pm she was back on shift.'

Omg I mean, seriously.

You don't message married men 'thanking them' for dog walks. I mean yes there's some desperate folk out there but even so.

How about single men? Are we allowed to messaged engaged men? When do we have to stop messaging?
WonderfulYou · 23/01/2022 13:24

My partner can also track me by my phone, it’s useful for when I run because he has me a bath ready when I get home

Can you not just send a text saying you’ll be home in 10 mins - surely it’s easier than him having to constantly check where you are all of the time.

HelloFrostyMorning · 23/01/2022 13:24

@JaniieJones

'For all we know they're paramedics and she'd just finished a night shift when they went for a walk then she was going home and straight to bed, and by 11:30pm she was back on shift.'

Omg I mean, seriously.

You don't message married men 'thanking them' for dog walks. I mean yes there's some desperate folk out there but even so.

Exactly. Making up shit about how they probably work as paramedics and THAT is why they message late at night. PMSL! What a load of rot.
NeverChange · 23/01/2022 13:24

If someone is going to cheatthry are doing to cheat. It doesn't matter if you watch them like a halk or they live in total freedom. If they want to they will and if they don't want to they won't.

So there's zero point is guessing, stressing etc. You either trust him or you don't and either will it makes no difference.

Planesmistakenforstars · 23/01/2022 13:24

Of course dog walking with a female friend/colleague who also has a dog and lives nearby is not anything remotely unreasonable.

It's the little bits of context that might make it suspicious:
Do you ever walk the dog on a Sunday, but the only times she goes too is when he makes sure you're not there?
What is his response to the late night message or the other messages?
Does he always pre arrange these walks with her and never tell you?

rwalker · 23/01/2022 13:25

You've already spied on him be tracking him and story checks out.
Get a grip and rein your behaviour in .

DiddyHeck · 23/01/2022 13:25

@Hopeisnotastrategy

The thing about this that rang alarm bells for me is that he never tells OP in advance where he is going. If it were all innocent that would be the natural thing to do, at least some of the time. As it is, if she doesn't know she can't object, or suggest she goes along too. It smacks of him not wanting to miss out on these walks, and that together with the late night text would bother me.
Why should she object or go along too? Do you insist on muscling in your DH's friendships?

And lets not forget she's tracking him by phone...