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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

That DP wakes me up when he comes to bed?

153 replies

Spreadingtheword · 22/01/2022 23:50

Lighthearted - causes me no harm.

To cut a long story short sometimes I tend to go up to bed much Walker than DP, usually just to watch some tv or get away from watching the back of him play the PlayStation Grin

But sometimes I will have been doing something like folding some washing, pairing socks ect in the afternoon then got distracted or we’ve popped out and came home and there will still be a pile of washing or the ‘sock box’ out in the bed from where I’ve been doing it.

Then I fall asleep. But when DP comes up to bed late when he’s finished playing his game, he’ll wake me up to ask me to move the washing/sock box or anything else off of the bed. It wasn’t until now I’m pregnant, lacking sleep and grouchy that it’s started to bug me that instead of just washing it himself, he wakes me from my much wanted sleep to do it 😂 - this doesn’t happen often as I’ll usually tidy away before hopping into bed anyway, but on the odd occasion there will be something left on the end of the bed that he wants me to move.

Other times it can be something like “can I plug my phone in your side?” “I think we should get a new stair gate, ours squeaks” “I’m just going to jump in the shower”

Come to think of it.. he just wakes me up to tell me anything 😂 Why does he do this? Is he lonely, bored.. malicious?!

Does anyone else’s DP/DH do this? Would I BU to start waking him up to a random animal fact every time I get up to pee for the remainder of my pregnancy as revenge? Grin

OP posts:
WetLookKnitwear · 23/01/2022 08:46

I told my DH early on in our relationship that when I go to sleep at night, that’s me done. Don’t wake me up. Thankfully he respects that. But if he didn’t he’d get such an earful he wouldn’t do it again!

I really struggle to get back to sleep if I get woken up just an hour or two in. Fair enough if our child needs us but I would not take kindly to being woken up for some trivial rubbish.

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 23/01/2022 08:46

He would be dead if he was mine.

SarahBop · 23/01/2022 08:47

@bcc89

I must be in the minority of people who don't think it's acceptable to leave my own crap all over the bed for the other person to face when they come to bed Confused I'd probably wake my husband and tell him to move his shit!
I'm with you here.
godmum56 · 23/01/2022 08:47

Yanbu with everything except leaving stuff on the bed when you go to sleep.....if you don't care about it being on the floor then dump it on the floor before you go to sleep

CottonSock · 23/01/2022 08:49

You definitely play your part by leaving stuff on the bed.

PuntasticUsername · 23/01/2022 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

felulageller · 23/01/2022 08:56

This is abusive behaviour.

What has happened to you that you think so little of yourself that you accept this?

It's not your fault. He's the arse. But I continue to be perplexed at how there are so many threads where women accept abusive behaviour/ are blind to it.

billy1966 · 23/01/2022 08:58

@PuntasticUsername

Not the actions of a good man.

But I think you have an idea of the type of prick you married.

He deliberately did that.

These are not men to feel safe with.

Because you are not.

They are not good men.

Flowers
Sparkletastic · 23/01/2022 09:03

Either he has a low IQ / cognitive processing disorder or he believes you shouldn't be allowed to sleep when he is awake.

PuntasticUsername · 23/01/2022 09:04

@billy1966 he's generally a very good man (I know they all say that...) but there are issues with this type of thing. I do end up trying to change my behaviour to avoid conflict or be more accommodating. I've only just come to realise that I need to take him at his word: say what I need from him, insist on those boundaries, and see if he's actually capable of respecting them.

He's snoring next to me atm. Quite tempted to wake him up to tell him I'll be meditating for the next fifteen minutes, and I'm not to be disturbed Grin

nopenottodaysatan · 23/01/2022 09:10

[quote PuntasticUsername]@billy1966 he's generally a very good man (I know they all say that...) but there are issues with this type of thing. I do end up trying to change my behaviour to avoid conflict or be more accommodating. I've only just come to realise that I need to take him at his word: say what I need from him, insist on those boundaries, and see if he's actually capable of respecting them.

He's snoring next to me atm. Quite tempted to wake him up to tell him I'll be meditating for the next fifteen minutes, and I'm not to be disturbed Grin[/quote]
I recommend you start your own thread.
Your partner is not a good man. He is abusing you. Changing your behaviour to make him happier is a massive red flag, you should never have to appease someone with good behaviour so they dont get mad with you.
You need to leave him, id do it now while hes asleep personally.

Didioverstep · 23/01/2022 09:12

Yes my dh does it. Either randomly starts talking. So I either don't respond so he thinks I'm in a deep sleep and he stops or he dramatically gets into bed. Over exaggerated stretch plus noise and loud yawn. A declaration of how tired he is. He then might try to have sex. If I'm passed off enough or tired enough I just pretend to be asleep and then he will just go to sleep.

When we go to bed together he has to watch some crap on his phone quite loudly after declaring how exhausted he is Hmm

Yet still watches it for at least half an hour. I heard his brother used to do this too from my SIL and also my fil Confused

Peeviltinch · 23/01/2022 09:16

He's sounds like a right bellend, glad he's your husband and not mine!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/01/2022 09:19

@bcc89

I must be in the minority of people who don't think it's acceptable to leave my own crap all over the bed for the other person to face when they come to bed Confused I'd probably wake my husband and tell him to move his shit!
OP is pregnant and exhausted - only a really shitty person would wake their pregnant wife and make them finish the housework they were doing instead of thinking "she must be shattered - I'll just move this out of the way and let her rest".

Honestly Hmm

ladygindiva · 23/01/2022 09:20

Christ, my dp would only do this once, if ever. Wtaf. Makes me homicidal just thinking about it. I'd have told him in in no uncertain terms the first time.

JustLyra · 23/01/2022 09:21

@bcc89

I must be in the minority of people who don't think it's acceptable to leave my own crap all over the bed for the other person to face when they come to bed Confused I'd probably wake my husband and tell him to move his shit!
The sock basket is hardly “her own crap” and if his pregnant wife crashes out whilst doing stuff it’s hardly a massive hardship to put it on the floor Hmm
KO81 · 23/01/2022 09:22

I read it as the pregnant OP goes to bed early because she’s bored titless watching the husband play PS all night long, and while she’s up there she sorts laundry and falls asleep doing it. Because she’s tired and pregnant.

Not sure I’d call that lazy.

RobotValkyrie · 23/01/2022 09:24

Your DP isn't properly house trained.

Rule 1: no Playstation till the laundry is done. You can help a bit, but from now on, it's his job.
Rule 2: bedtime at 10pm (or whatever suits you). If he's not in by the deadline, he can sleep on the sofa.

Signed contract. Take it or LTB.
Consider sensible counter offers, but do not budge from essential red lines:

  1. all play and no work makes him a dull boy
  2. no waking you up, EVER
billy1966 · 23/01/2022 09:25

@PuntasticUsername

What you have written is not good.

@nopenottodaysatan is correct.

Adjusting your behaviour is another red flag that you are with an abusive man.

He's deliberately nasty.

Start reading "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft.

So many people recommend it as truly awakening for them in their toxic relationships.

Knowledge is power.Flowers

oviraptor21 · 23/01/2022 09:27

@bcc89

I must be in the minority of people who don't think it's acceptable to leave my own crap all over the bed for the other person to face when they come to bed Confused I'd probably wake my husband and tell him to move his shit!
I think you are in a minority who think (a) it's OP's crap to clear and (b) if it is, why OP has to be woken to deal with it when it's a matter of 10 seconds to remove and place on the floor.
MrMrsJones · 23/01/2022 09:28

Sleep deprivation is the worse and if my husband ever work me up in the way your has I would be saying.

Wake me up again for no reason and we are done....

Ijustreallywantacat · 23/01/2022 09:30

Can't believe we've got the abuse card. It's annoying but if he's otherwise a great partner then there's no need for that. He just thinks you don't mind because he's been doing for so long. If you've never had a conversation about it then do that before yelling or plucking out armpit hairs.

PuntasticUsername · 23/01/2022 09:32

Thankyou @billy1966 and @nopenottodaysatan. I think like many people here, I've posted because I know this isn't right and I need to gather strength to change things. I really appreciate your posts.

Squirrelblanket · 23/01/2022 09:33

I had just fallen asleep last night when my husband woke me to tell me how many tractors John Deere have sold this year. 😐

AffableApple · 23/01/2022 09:36

@Spreadingtheword

I don’t know where I’ve said it’s funny or cute? I think other people have used those words and now people are RTFT and assume I’ve said that.

The laughing emojis are to keep the thread light, not because the actual situation is funny.

I’ve not even used the word ‘cute’ once in any of my posts Blush

I’ve consistently said that the behaviour is annoying or irritating. I just didn’t realise to what extent until you’ve all come along and enlightened me to how mad I should actually be about itSmile

The first sentence you used: "Lighthearted - causes me no harm". Then you put a grin or laughing emoji at the end of each line while describing intolerable behaviour. You minimised your own feelings and made it seem like you thought it was funny - or at least just a bit "Oh dear, what is he like? Silly hubby. Haha!"

Maybe that's the message he is getting from you too.

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