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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

That DP wakes me up when he comes to bed?

153 replies

Spreadingtheword · 22/01/2022 23:50

Lighthearted - causes me no harm.

To cut a long story short sometimes I tend to go up to bed much Walker than DP, usually just to watch some tv or get away from watching the back of him play the PlayStation Grin

But sometimes I will have been doing something like folding some washing, pairing socks ect in the afternoon then got distracted or we’ve popped out and came home and there will still be a pile of washing or the ‘sock box’ out in the bed from where I’ve been doing it.

Then I fall asleep. But when DP comes up to bed late when he’s finished playing his game, he’ll wake me up to ask me to move the washing/sock box or anything else off of the bed. It wasn’t until now I’m pregnant, lacking sleep and grouchy that it’s started to bug me that instead of just washing it himself, he wakes me from my much wanted sleep to do it 😂 - this doesn’t happen often as I’ll usually tidy away before hopping into bed anyway, but on the odd occasion there will be something left on the end of the bed that he wants me to move.

Other times it can be something like “can I plug my phone in your side?” “I think we should get a new stair gate, ours squeaks” “I’m just going to jump in the shower”

Come to think of it.. he just wakes me up to tell me anything 😂 Why does he do this? Is he lonely, bored.. malicious?!

Does anyone else’s DP/DH do this? Would I BU to start waking him up to a random animal fact every time I get up to pee for the remainder of my pregnancy as revenge? Grin

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 23/01/2022 08:19

This is why we have separate rooms 😉

billy1966 · 23/01/2022 08:19

Absolutely nothing lighhearted by his extremely nasty behaviour towards you.

It's not surprising to read that you have been in awful relationships previously because this is the type of behaviour associated with abusive men in a domestic abuse situation.

Yes, domestic abuse.

Repeatedly waking you from sleep is abusive nasty behaviour.

Try telling your mid wife about it and it would be a known red flag.

Stop treating it as light hearted and sit down and tell him NEVER EVER do it again, under any circumstances.

If he does then you have confirmation you are not with a good man.

Be wary of having such low standards that you cannot see that someone waking you up unnecessarily is not kind and caring.

The fact that he does it to a pregnant woman is a huge red flag.

NO ONE is THAT stupid.

DrSbaitso · 23/01/2022 08:20

I don’t know where I’ve said it’s funny or cute?

Not you, the one who likes waking up her husband because she just luuuuurvez him so much and then has a tantrum.

Spreadingtheword · 23/01/2022 08:22

@ASkyPaintedGold oh that actually sounds blissful. I have to admit I’m one for scrunching up the corner of the duvet and holding it high up my chest so DP is left without much duvet 🤣 two separate duvets would definitely stop the sleepy tug of wars!

OP posts:
choosername1234 · 23/01/2022 08:22

@billy1966

Absolutely nothing lighhearted by his extremely nasty behaviour towards you.

It's not surprising to read that you have been in awful relationships previously because this is the type of behaviour associated with abusive men in a domestic abuse situation.

Yes, domestic abuse.

Repeatedly waking you from sleep is abusive nasty behaviour.

Try telling your mid wife about it and it would be a known red flag.

Stop treating it as light hearted and sit down and tell him NEVER EVER do it again, under any circumstances.

If he does then you have confirmation you are not with a good man.

Be wary of having such low standards that you cannot see that someone waking you up unnecessarily is not kind and caring.

The fact that he does it to a pregnant woman is a huge red flag.

NO ONE is THAT stupid.

I was going to say exactly this. He is choosing to wake you up at a time when your sleep should be prioritised.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/01/2022 08:24

This post has made me a bit mad. I think you are massively under reacting.

A grown man wakes his pregnant wife up to make her move socks off the bed, and she blames herself for being lazy and not putting them away. When asked why he says he 'doesn't know where to put them'. He also wakes her up to tell her any old irrelevant non urgent shit.

This is massively inconsiderate and lazy at best and nasty at worst. I'd be really pissed off and I dont really understand why you don't seem to be

Nillynally · 23/01/2022 08:24

Mine comes to bed hours after me and creeps in like the SAS because he knows his life isn't worth living if I get woken. Try being a bit of a bitch 🤣

nopenottodaysatan · 23/01/2022 08:24

Apologies if i have misquoted you.
My point still stands tho. Its abusive behaviour.
The fact you think its lighthearted and use laughing emojis is odd, but maybe its because you dont want to admit how much this is affecting you, i understand how difficult it is to realise that the person you love is doing something horrible deliberately, its even more horrible knowing that you are pregnant and dealing with a night waking toddler.
I personally would issue an ultimatum, he either stops or leaves.....his behaviour after this will tell you what he really thinks of you.

DrSbaitso · 23/01/2022 08:26

However, it might be a good thing that we got that tantrumming poster on here, as she's actually quite a good indication of how these people work. She ruins her husband's sleep because she just luuuuurves him so much. And when she's told to stop, she gets shitty about it.

There's a reason she tried to frame this horrible behaviour as a sign of love, and a reason she lost her rag over it when she was pulled up, once, mildly. And it's the same reason as many other people who claim to ruin their partner's rest out of their overpowering twoo wuv.

You shouldn't treat this as a joke because it isn't funny at all. Your sleep matters.

ashorterday · 23/01/2022 08:27

For me at this point it would be a straightforward "If you dare to wake me up one more time, and there is no emergency, I will be divorcing you. Is that clear?"

RainbowZebraWarrior · 23/01/2022 08:28

@billy1966

Absolutely nothing lighhearted by his extremely nasty behaviour towards you.

It's not surprising to read that you have been in awful relationships previously because this is the type of behaviour associated with abusive men in a domestic abuse situation.

Yes, domestic abuse.

Repeatedly waking you from sleep is abusive nasty behaviour.

Try telling your mid wife about it and it would be a known red flag.

Stop treating it as light hearted and sit down and tell him NEVER EVER do it again, under any circumstances.

If he does then you have confirmation you are not with a good man.

Be wary of having such low standards that you cannot see that someone waking you up unnecessarily is not kind and caring.

The fact that he does it to a pregnant woman is a huge red flag.

NO ONE is THAT stupid.

Absolutely this.

Horrible, horrible man

JustLyra · 23/01/2022 08:29

@Spreadingtheword

Ok perhaps I do need to be more firm. I guess I’ve just seen it as an annoying habit or trait (hence trying to keep it lighthearted as where it is irritating I didn’t think it was this big of an issue) rather than him actually being nasty but gathering from the responses to this post I need to let him know it’s really not normal and not to do it. I’ll be more stubborn from now on!
You won’t be being stubborn to object to this.

Be careful how you badge your language about this - it’s not stubborn or any other word often tagged to female behaviour when men don’t like our actions (hysterical, picky, over the top, “just had to say” etc etc) to object to someone repeatedly waking you.

Sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture…

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/01/2022 08:30

This is awful Sad

Wallywobbles · 23/01/2022 08:30

Id give him this thread to read. It'll help him see the light like a flash of lightening.

DrSbaitso · 23/01/2022 08:33

@Wallywobbles

Id give him this thread to read. It'll help him see the light like a flash of lightening.
No, it'll make him defensive and angry and determined to be right. Don't do this, OP. But don't let him get away with framing it as in any way not serious. It really really is.
whiteworldgettingwhiter · 23/01/2022 08:34

If your h really can't think what to do with a box of socks on the bed, then he probably needs to be in some sort of supervised care home.

He sounds like an absolute pain in the arse. As others have said, this behaviour is abusive.

Tell him never to wake you again. See what his response is.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/01/2022 08:34

He's doing it as a way to punish you for not finishing your "jobs" and clearing his side of the bed for him so he can just get straight in. It's a way of keeping you in your place.

I often leave DH's laundry on his side of the bed for him to put away - if he doesn't do it before I'm asleep he just moves it and deals with it in the morning.

What he doesn't do is wake me up and expect me to put it away for him.

nopenottodaysatan · 23/01/2022 08:37

@Wallywobbles

Id give him this thread to read. It'll help him see the light like a flash of lightening.
Dont do this. Op's partner is abusive, he'l use it against her, gaslight and make her feel guilty. This is a safe space op, use it to figure out what is happening and what to do about it.
Exhausteddog · 23/01/2022 08:37

YANBU
I am a really light sleeper so my DH coming into the room wakes me anyway and he wakes up early even at weekends. I was super pissed off when he woke at 7am on New Years Day. He had gone to bed at midnight. I had stayed up with DD (we were all isolating with covid but she wanted to stay up late) he woke up at 7, then opened the curtains and the window when it was light....and then naffed off downstairs!

bitemyarsenic · 23/01/2022 08:38

Just to add a different perspective my DP has ADHD and this is one of the issues we had.
Impulsitivity can be physical,dropping onto the bed, turning on lights or verbal - asking me questions at 2am.
Also extreme restlessness.
We have separate rooms now.

bcc89 · 23/01/2022 08:39

I must be in the minority of people who don't think it's acceptable to leave my own crap all over the bed for the other person to face when they come to bed Confused I'd probably wake my husband and tell him to move his shit!

Quantity5 · 23/01/2022 08:40

What I wonder is why you haven’t, when so tired and treated so badly, just roared at him. My dh would get me an extra pillow, tuck me back in if I looked cold and if he did shit like this I would be livid. That would actually be reasonable. So I am worried that you have accepted it and have so little voice and even here are minimising it. You matter and I am not sure you know this as much as you should.

scaredsadandstuck · 23/01/2022 08:41

I know I'm just adding to the chorus of WTF but... He wakes you up because there are socks on the bed and he doesn't know what to do with them??!!!

billy1966 · 23/01/2022 08:46

And OP, I suspect that your gut is screaming at you that something isn't right with this behaviour.

That is why you have started this thread.

To check out is your gut correct.

This is NOT a good man.

It takes a specific type of nasty abusive man to keep waking a pregnant woman up.

He may act a bit thick but he's not.

There is something in his personality that is really UGLY and you seem to have missed it.

But it IS there.

No good man would dream of doing this to their partner, not to mind a pregnant partner.

He is covertly abusing you.

I highly recommend you ring Women's aid and ask them.

I highly recommend you tell your mid wife what he is doing and listen to what they say and watch them make notes about it.

He is not who you think he is.

Are there other examples of seemingly innocent annoying behaviour being upsetting you?

I really, really hope that this thread which you so cleverly started, starts you thinking about exactly what he is like.

His behaviour is very devious because he is pretending not to understand what he's doing when HE KNOWS WELL.

Flowers
SarahBop · 23/01/2022 08:46

So, you climb into bed whilst there is still stuff on the bed? [Baskets and socks??] ...In which case, I am with him here...I think that's really lazy and unreasonable of you.

If my husband was sorting anything on the bed, and then I found him snuggled up asleep and my side full of clutter...I'd be pissed too. A one-off, maybe not so much, but you make it sound like this is a regular occurrence....?

Just make sure the bed is clear so you can both get in it to sleep...Oh and buy an extra couple of pillows to resolve the issue with your DD and H stealing pillows.